Christmas 2009

So one more Christmas has past. It is midnight and I am sitting here with a glass of wine in hand. I look around my living room and see a shambles. In fact, I look around my house and see a shambles. Yesterday up until 1 am when I went to bed, I had envisioned this year to be different. During prior times when I was married, I would have a spotless house, with wonderful decorations and the table set for Christmas morning. The last couple years things have been a bit different. Since becoming a single mom, working part time and going to full time university, a clean house was last on my list. Overwhelmed with my new responsibilities of raising my kidlets by myself, as well as the additional factors of going through a messy split and school and homework and......left the house a bit last on my priority list.

So tonight, I sit here and look around at the paper still strewn about, and dishes yet to be washed, knowing my upstairs bathroom still needs doing (it got partially done today) and I sigh. Maybe next year I will pull off the Martha Stewart house again.

But this year? I have my baby lying on the couch with me sound asleep and two passed out sleepyheads upstairs? How did their day go this year? Well thanks to the generosity and help of friends, this year my kids got everything they asked Santa for. And due to the overtired Christmased out children I now possess, I had a 90 minute opportunity to have a heart felt discussion with one of the kidlets. It was 90 minutes of time that changed some perspectives, if not in the long term, at least in the short term.

This Christmas has taught me some things. It has taught me that family is where you look. Family does not have to be blood related. In fact, I am finding that my truest family may not be blood related. I also learned that miracles do happen on a day to day occurrence, but if you don't recognize them for what they are, you miss out on them and the beauty and joy they bring. Miracles don't necessarily come with a trumpeting fanfare, more often than not, they are silent whispers in the night. I have been the recipient of many of these night time conversations turned miracles. I have also discovered its a lot about perspective. Many of my miracles this year, were nothing large for those who facilitated them, but to me? they were everything. These miracles that have been dismissed by the givers, meant my children got the things they asked Santa for, it meant that I was able to give them a wonderful Christmas spent with great people all of which edified my children and allowed them to more fully enjoy this day.

I know I'm not the only one who experienced these types of miracles. Two of my high school friends, although the circumstances are different, have also experienced Christmas time miracles that were not considered any great accomplishment by those who so freely gave to us. Yet to us....???? These are miracles.

As you close off you day, stop and think....what miracle did I experience today????

Miracles

Christmas is often the Season for miracles.  We hear about those miracles and yet they rarely touch our lives. We hear about them and we think that they are good things and we move on. And yet, these miracles mean far more than we even begin to be aware of. How do I know this? Well, this season, I have been a recipient of more miracles than I knew existed. I will admit, it's not an easy year for me. Why? Well, shortly after my x and I split, for reasons that I still remain confident were the right choices, my x traded me in. He found and pursued someone else and they have been together ever since. Now some may say that it's what I deserve, after all I chose to initiate the split. that may be as that may be, it doesn't really matter at this point...the thing is, what I have always wanted, he has attained. Reasons for that remain unknown to me.....again a moot point...however, the reality is, my current situation is one of being alone.

Were I to look upon my choices, I know that they were important and the correct choices for me and my children., However, as we all know there are repercussions for every one of our choices, I am currently living those repercussions. I don't regret my choices but I hate my circumstances.

However, this year, as a result of those choices, I have been left in a position where miracles (at least in my estimation) are far more a reality in my life than they have ever been before. I have witnessed the kindness of strangers that has left me in tears. I have sat in the presence of strangers and cried for the compassion that they have exhibited upon me. I have also been the recipient of fully realizing the depth of the care of friends of mine. Christmas is a tumultuous time when you are a single mom, and tonight, I had the privilege of feeling cared for by a friend, whom I consider dear. For him, I am sure it was nothing, for me his one small act of kindness touched my heart in a way I do not have the words to adequately express. Thank you, more than you can fathom.

I am not the only one this season to witness these miracles. There are a few of my close friends that I know are expreiencing miracles this year. Things they did not foresee as being possible. Christmas....the time of miracles........too bad they couldn't last the whole year through.......

sighs

counselling is a wierd thing

So I sat here today with many many things running through my mind that I try to make sense of. And here's what I have discovered.

NOTHING

That's not entirely true. But I did reflect upon some wierd things.  And here is something that struck me.  I am a counsellor. It's in me. I live it and I breathe it. Of course the running joke when someone hears what you do is "don't analyze me" or "wow ur in for it I am a head case." Two things you hear relatively frequently as a counsellor. And it's not that I do so intentionally, but when it is in your blood, when you live it and breathe it, it becomes a natural thing.

I love people to death. I truly am a social butterfly. I care deeply about people and that is my motivator for figuring people out. I love to figure out how people work. That betters my ability to be able to help others, adn perhaps themselves. But here's the thing. My job entails that I am around people who have chosen to bear their soul to me. They choose to be completely honest and trust me with their pain. I have spoken of trust among people a lot. I bear that responsibility very solemnly.

I also tend to trust people a lot. I am trusting by nature. I treat people with openness and integrity and readily assume that others will do likewise. That by its very nature entails that I run a great risk of getting hurt because I go into situations with an open heart expecting people to treat me well, with dignity, with honour, with respect. Something I don't think I can change. It seems to be partly a result of being a counselor. I trust people that they will be honorable and truthful.

So as I have people that are intensely trusting of me and bare their deepest pain to me, I too trust, which means I may hurt. I only hope that I find the ways that I need to heal my heart so that it doesn't shut down.....

Contemplative

I am not sure that I have much to write and yet I feel the need to write. I sit here in a comtemplative mood. Many things are coursing through my veins as I ponder the weeks, months and year ahead and at the same time, my thoughts shift back to what the last three years have been like.

I have a 14 year old son. When I started to finish my BA he was 11. We (he and I) have undergone many many horrid things and yet tonight my baby boy turning man came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and just held on. So many changes, rapid ones, are in store for him. Soon he will be eligible to drive a car. Then he will graduate. I am not ready for these things. I feel like I missed out on something in the past three years. I heard a response to amnesia today from a client who suffered from it. This client was asked "Do you lose time?" The reply came very forceful, "Never utter those words to me again, losing time indicates a loss of a part of my life, which is very hopeless. I have not "lost" time, I have simply misplaced it and through therapy I will find it." That was an amazing reframe. But sadly for me, it doenst hold. I have lost three years. And soon to be a fourth. Granted, good things were happening, yet I know I missed out on amazing things. Don't get me wrong, I have been a part of my children's lives to the best of my ability juggling all that I do and yet, I have missed out. There have been field trips that I have not been part of. and school plays that i have missed, parties that I could not bake for....so many many things. All in the hope of providing a better life for my kids than welfare would bring us. Thing is, they don't get it. But I do. I know their losses perhaps better than they do and I know my losses with the things I cannot be a part of.

My baby is 7, he was four when we split and I went to uni. Again, so much of his young life I have missed. Mother's guilt. I think thats why I do not push him to sleep in his own bed. For that is something I can give him, in my limited time. Whereas the other two got more waking hours from me, he gets more sleep time hours from me. Besides, he still carries within him much fear. I know cuz he tells me.

My baby girl. I miss her. She has always been one that I have not had a handle on in being able to read her. And it shows. And yet she cries out for girl time. So I try to find ways to give that to her and perhaps over the Christmas break, more opportunities will open up.

Being a single parent is hard. There are many many times, when I am so exhasuted I want to lie down to sleep. Unforutnately that is not for me, as there are little people that just need a little bit more of me. And I have missed so much and denied them so much, its the least I can do and sometimes appeasing mothers guilt is mroe important than sleep.

Authenticity

I am fairly certain that I have blogged on this before, however, I feel compelled to do so again. I have recently run into a situation where the offending party has decided to play nice. The problem with this concept is that it is fake, it is inauthentic and I know the rumours that said person has spread about me. This isn't a simple situation where they strive to put aside our differences in order to attempt to rebuild a relationship. That, if there is a mutual understanding that that is going on, I can get into. In that situation, if both parties are of the same mind, and the goal is to rebuild a relationship so they choose together to not discuss past concerns or sensitive topics, well they are being honest, they are working toward the common good goal of rebuilding a relationship. I can honor that.

However, this is not that scenario. This is a scenario in which the other party is putting on a nice face, and the moment that my back is turned the rumours fly. This I am not interested in. I have no desire to be in their company and this is why. To be in their company means I have to have my guard up constantly and I have to be inauthentic myself. Why? Because if I let my guard down, if I choose to be authentic then that means anything I may or may not say can and will be twisted and used against me. I simply am not interested in such nonsense. So I don't go there. However, I find myself put in a bind for an answer of getting together is waited for. I would love to tell the truth, however, that will cause hurt and then anything i may or may not say can and will be used against me. So for right now.....I find myself stalling.....

Racism- Jen S I am so so sorry.....

Ugly word, ugly state of society. I had a conversation with a buddy of mine just recently and he made the point that we are all racists. I sat about that and we continued in our discourse and as the conversation unfolded I was able to understand that his point was that anytime we speak a slanderous statement against another person based on their appearance this is a form of racism. His example "if I am driving down the road and get but off, and notice its a woman driver and curse her out for being a stupid driver because she was a woman, that is a form of racism."  I had to concede the point.

Today, I driving my kids to school. As I traveled down the road, I noticed a group of elderly people standing at the side of the road not really engaged in doing anything and I wondered aloud, "I wonder what they are doing there." Now I had expected my son to ask the follow up question (although he didn't) of "Who?' Based on my expectation I had already formulated my response "That group of elderly Aisian people."

And my thought continued. Why did  feel it necessary to qualify that they were a group of Aisian elderly people. Was there any significant difference in them being Aisian, as if white elderly people would never do something like that? Why could I not just say that group of eldery people. And in qualifying that they were elderly as well.....why did I need to do that? Am I stating that I don't think younger adults would congregate like that? What in me created the need to qualify that they were elderly and Aisian? I don't believe that I am racist. I like to believe that I am accepting and non-judgemental of everyone. I can list the standard reasons that I am not racist...I school with other ethnicities and value them for the person they are etc etc.... But then why this inherent need to have qualified that this group of people today were Aisian.

I wondered further...is it then a sign of respect for their difference? Am I respecting that they are not entirely like me and recognizing that? Does this come from a political and societal outcry that we here in Canada, being a diverse country, recognize the inherent differences within our population and honor and respect their differences? Is taht where it stems from in my heart? If so, why did I feel the need to point out that this group of people standing outside in the cold this morning, were Aisian.

K, well huge epiphany here and one that I am ashamed of to say the least. I guess that to a degree I am somewhat racist. I have been guilty of the example that my friend portrayed above. Even against women. That is shameful to admit. I have found that I am a firm believer in "when in Rome do as the Romans do" I do tend to qaulify this with the caveat that it's not that I think that other cultures should give up their heritages, however, I do tend to get somewhat disgruntled when other ethnicities get tax breaks and financial returms in Canada because of their ethnicity. I do get frustrated when other ethnicities are amongst the general public and are discourteous to us English speaking people. It does make me suspicious that they are perhaps talking about us "whites." I have no issue with other ethinicities celebrating within their own home their cultural heritage. I have no issue with them gathering with other people and having festivities where they converse in their language and where they celebrate things taht are culturally important to their heritage but I do struggle with other ethnicities bypassing common courtesy and displaying rude mannerisms in public, or having side converstaions with others in their mother tongue. Those are some of the things that I do struggle with. I struggle with our government giving them monetary handouts that we as Canadians are exempt from.

I remember a sermon I was at, and this sermon gave me more grace and tolerance for other ethnicities, albeit, I still have work to do here. Canada has been prophesied over to a rather large extent. The gist of the prophecy was that Canada is in part a multi-cultural nation, for it is here that the last revival will occur and that is because we are multicultural. For it is our multiculturalness that enables us to be ripe for the last revival for within our own country, we have the ethnic ability to take Jesus out to all the other nations, for we are composed of the other nations. So when know Jesus, they will be more readily accepted back within thier own country and therefore have an ability to take Jesus there, that is not open to us whites. That started the shift ini this paradigm of mine.

I had hoped that blogging may have cleared my thoughts and allowed me to draw some conclusions and sort this out, but this looks like a journey I will continue on in. I could carry on but I would be asking the same questions another way. One thing I do know.....the fact that this stirs my heart is a good thing, for it allows me to examine myself, my motives and my hearts intent and that is a good thing and I would hope that that is somewhat indicative of not being or at the very minimumm wanting to be racist. Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.....

It ain't easy being green.

I mentioned this phrase once to a pastor of mine, it was in reference to myself. Throughout my life, I have often felt....different....out of sorts, out of place. Then as I got older, I started to draw parallels between my life and that of Job... in the Bible Job. I have often said, I did not ask to be a modern day Job for it has often felt like God abandoned me. I have faced the loss of many things, I have lost my family...perhaps not all at once...I don't think that I could have handled more than that. For a time, my father and I did not and my brother did no seem to care for me or acknowledge my existence. When we were little, he was given the chore of walking me and my sister to school and home. He made us walk several feet behind him so as to not be associated with him. Currently, I have my dad back in my life, and I semi have my brother back in my life, but I have lost my mom and my sis. I nearly lost my kids and my friends at the hands of evil. I nearly lost my job again at the hands of evil. I have lost many things and I wonder, how on earth I could keep going.

I can hear the conversation:

Satan: "I want the life of this one (referencing me), she's mine.  I will see her death and she will be mine."

God: "No, whatever you do will spare her life."

Satan: "No, I have fought the lineages for this one. I have had my eye cast on her. I will take and own her life."

God: "No! You may not have her life. Test her as you will. She will remain faithful. But DO NOT take her life."

That's something along the lines of how I imagine this conversation. And that's how it seems. Have I yelled and screamed at God? You bet, for I have often felt that the hand of cards I was dealt is beyond dealing with. I have often felt abandoned in times of need. I have felt that God should have been there but He was not, that He turned a blind eye and deaf ear toward me. I have had all manner of screaming matches and temper tantrums and taking self imposed time outs (read rebellion) from God. And yet, I have always turned back to Him, Why? For the simple fact, that I have stared at evil face on, I have looked deep into its eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that evil is a very real force to be recckoned with. I have also tried it of my own will power and its come to naught and its simply but God's grace that my feeble attempts at "fixing" things did not destroy things more.

However, I am getting tired of this. I long for freedom. I long for breakthrough and I long to live in the full comprehension of my inheritance. For that is my birthright. And so, although tired and battle worn, I will continue to press on. I was having a  conversation with God the other day. I asked for a release of my inheritance? I found my motive to be interesting. There are benefits to be sure. But the motive of my heart was so that I could bring glory to God, so that the glory would be fully His, for as I sit here and write to you, I know that I am only sitting here writing by the grace of God. So as my story unfolds......it is only by the grace of God and solely for his glory.


(But I still maintain.......it ain't easy being green)

Lots going on.....

So its been awhile since I updated last. There has been a lot going on, I had a health scare which we are currently working through, additionally I cannot seem to find a second internship, I got my son's psych-ed report back and of course the recession is hitting me here big time. And those are only the top things, there are also a lot of underlying things going on as well. So life has continued to be crazy and out of control and scary.

What does that mean? It means I react. I cry, I get mad, I get scared I panic and I generally live in a chaotic sense of being stressed out with dooms day images running through my mind.

Once I have my emotional release, I try to be logical and try and solve and then the reality hits me once again as to the hopelessness of it all and I start my panic/fear/anger/anxiety cycle all over again.

So I have tried to stop and do something different. "When you know better, you do better." Right? So I have tried to reset my focus back onto God everytime something happens. I have tried to delve into tons of praise and worship. What does that mean? I find one or two songs and in my  many hours in the car, I will only play those same three songs over and over, for they connect to me in a spiritual manner and bring rest to my spirit. Additionally I have found some podcasts from Bethel church which are really edifying to my spirit so I will soon be cuddling in with coffee and listening to one of those. And I choose to go back to connecting with  my church family although my tendency wants to isolate and shy away.

So I was at church this past Sunday and I asked for prayer and my pastor was praying and got this picture for me.

Whereas I feel like I am running a deadend on a treadmill and constatnly running and getting nowhere, unbeknownst to me, my treadmill is on wheels and God is pushing it along.

So what is the outpouring of this? Today I had a meeting wiht my son's school counsellor regarding his IEP or the potential of one. In discussing with my counsellor Jeff and the things he needs, this counsellor has a heart for my boy. He doesnt' want to simply ensure that Jeff's scholastic needs are met. Jeff wanted to join the fitness club so the counsellor is going to ensure that that happens and that Jeff gets paired with a senior student who will help look out for him and mentor him. Additionally, there is a boys posse that another  counsellor has started up and he is going to try and get Jeff hooked into that. Whether or not the school actually gets resource funding for Jeff, he will have an IEP. I have long since hoped for someone to come along and provide some mentorship for Jeff taht would help ensure Jeff's success.

This counsellor is going ot help me ensure that whatever we can find, we will get for Jeffrey.

And heres the kicker. This was not our school of choice. It wasn't Jeff's either. However, the school we had targeted wouldnt take out of  cachment kids, so here is where we ended up. Was it frustrating? To be sure, but God knew. He knew Jeff needed to be at this school with this counsellor to help ensure his success. So we have an IEP meeting coming up and Jeff is going to be connected and mentored. Just the things I have been searching for for my precious boy.

God was pushing my treadmill.......

Wooing

I looked up the term "to woo:. the online dictionary defines it as

1. to seek the favor, affection or love of....

there are other definitions but I think that this is the one that best fits.

I think I find myself being wooed. There is a gentleman that I know of that has readily admitted to me that he loves me. And I believe that as a result, he is wooing me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that this is something that he set out to do purposefully, I think that based out of his love for me, his actions are such that it entails that I am being wooed.

And I don't know what to do with this. When I was a little girl, as most little girls do, I dreamt of being a princess that would be pursued and courted by her prince. I dreamt of having a prince fall madly in love with me and then court me and woo me to win my love.

Such a little girl fairy tale I know. And then as I got older I got scoffed at and told I was no such thing as  a princess and to drop the princess complex and get such childish notions out of my head. In a manner of speaking, I was told to grow up and get real. Well, for me these were dangerous words, for I was in an abusive marriage. These words told me that that was the best I could hope for and I was to stay there. These words acted somewhat like the keys to a jail cell that turned the lock shut and kept me imprisoned.

So I stayed. And eventually some years later, my marriage did fall apart. Looking back, I see there were things that needed to occur before I could leave. Do I regret staying? at times but I also see what has come out of my staying.....and its ok.

But back to this being wooed and the words that I am NOT a princess to suck it up already (roughly paraphrased).

So this gentleman, unbeknownst to him, started calling me a princess. He didn't know the backstory here. That was quite a shock for I had done a lot of work retraining my thinking, for I was told after all, that I was not a princess and surely everyone else was right, right?

So now this gentleman who has come to love me is calling me a princess. And in fact, he would like to treat me as such. He would like to spoil me, protect me from the dragons of this world, and he would like to ensure my happiness. He would like to solve all my problems and make things easy for me. From the various things he has told me, I come to the conclusion, this man really does love me. And it doesn't appear to be out for selfish gain.

So back to my little girl dream of having someone adore her and love her and court her and woo her.

So part A seems to be here. And I am entirely confused. I find myself not knowing and sitting in this place of being adored by someone but not sure how I feel.

Then I go back ot my picture, I wanted someone to fight for and earn my love.

Back to this gentleman. His actions and his words are such that I find myself turning more and more to him. I find myself wanting to share more and more of my life with him. I find myself wanting to share my dreams and my failures and my fears with him. The best that I can make sense of it is that his actions based out of his love to me, his words, based out of his love to me, seem to be  fighting for and earning my love in return.

Is this then my fairy tale? Am I walking in the midst of my little girl dream of having someone adore her and fight to earn my favor? Am I being wooed?

Interesting......

Freedom Isn't Free

I sat today with my son. He and I both have insanely tender hearts. This year, Remembrance Day has become vitally important to him. He and I sat and watched the ceremonies and we held each other and we cried. Then we watched some videos and we cried some more.

I find that far too often we give Remembrance Day a cursory nod. We may or may not take the minutes of silence before we go about our day. When my x and I were together, there was most definitely not any remembering. In fact, it was simply another day off. Yay! for the day off.

This really bothers me. There should be far more honor given to this day and to those who fought and so humbly I offer this gift;

Our freedom isn’t free
There's a price that’s paid
For you and me
Our freedom isn’t free
A soldier’s lifeblood
Satisfies the currency

“Lest we forget!”
We hear the cry
In front of our tv
We sit in the warmth
Of hearth and home
And watch the ceremony

In Flanders Fields
Our children say
With poppies on their breast
Unbeknownst to them
The cost it takes
As men forever rest

Too often now
We rush the day
With but a cursory nod
Our lives move on
We‘ve things to do
so we wear a solemn facade

The time has come
To stop our lives
For a minute, maybe two
Let’s honor those
Who choose to give
Their lives and blood and souls

strength

So today I saw a client which is a bit abnormal for usually I see clients on Thursdays. Well today I was forutnate enough to witness inner strength. And some things finally came together for me.

Today I saw a client that has undergone untold amounts of trauma. In session I presented this client with a course of action that I thought would be most beneficial in aiding their healing. However, I asked a lot of this client as I laid out our therapeutic journey. I know I asked a lot.

 I am asking this client to step out of their current comfortable coping mechanisms and entertain a new therapeutic method that will not only ease the trauma but give them new coping mechanisms. However, this requires some vulnerability and this requires looking at and facing things that this client would prefer to never face again.

So today I saw this client gather their inner resources and go where no man has gone before.....back into their past to face their story.  I saw this client, inhale deeply, gather their resources and go there. And I was awed as time and time again in our sesssion despite the overwhelming intensity of emotions, despite the exhaustion that continued to mount. This client continually pulled out more and more and fought through deeper and deeper.

As I drove home, my thoughts turned to the inner strength of this client and how despite everything they have already suffered, they continued to pull out more and more, keep going and push through knowing their life and their freedom is at stake.

And I turned inward at this point and reflected on myself. Many many times, especially during this last bit of my scholastic journey, I have often been seen as being strong. That has never made sense to me, never resonated with me. For in my view I did what I had to do.

But perhaps, just maybe....what I saw in my client today, this fight to push through and garner thier freedom, this fight to keep going when pain is too intense, emotions are too overwhelming and exhaustion looms around the corner, perhaps that is what others see. And perhaps that is why they term me strong. Maybe what I saw in my client today, is seen in me. What I saw my client do today, left me in awe and inspired by her strength. Maybe thats what others see in me. This same thing.

Thank you my client of today, for letting me learn from you.

reflection

Some things occurred over the past week which has left me living the past week on tenterhooks. And today I got some news that drastically affects my life. As I sit here digesting the news, I stop and reflect. From receiving the news, I went to pick up Jamie. I held him tighter and hugged him closer today. Missy is still at school and then Jeff came home. And I too held the boy turning man a little tighter and whispered I love you. I sit here typing, reflecting and to be honest with tears threatening to fall. Oops one fell. So I sit and ponder. We often strive for so much in life. I strive to provide my kids with the "things" that other kids have so they won't feel left out for I know how devastating that feeling can be to a child. And yet, when it all boils down to it and I sit here and reflect on this news, material things have taken a backseat. I'm not thinking of those things as I sit here and type and hear my precious 7 year olds voice reading out loud. As I  glance over and see my 14 year old, having done his homework, playing on his computer. I stare out my back door and remember what is important. And it si:

a 7 year olds arms wrapped tight around my neck in a koala cuddle
a 14 year olds voice cracking as he enters manhood.
upturned faces looking for a kiss from mama.
the sparkle of pride in the young eyes of those reaching achievement on homework
the mischevous grin of a 14 year old coaching a 7 year old to do what he wont dare
the little girl voice raging at me for having to practice one more time
the golden hair that the sun trying to peek through glints off  of
the peaceful rhythmic breathing of a child asleep as long lashes brush rosy cheeks
boys giggling at farting
girls squealing at boys giggling at farting

these are just what im currently experiencing in these few moments that I type to you

so...

if you have been so lucky with being loaned the treasure of a little one

despite the frustration that occurs with raising them
despite how they seem to unknowingly know how to push your buttons

hug them a little tighter tonight
hold them closer
cuddle them longer

for you never know if and when you and they may be ripped apart.

It isnt easy parenting children. In fact it is an experience that comes with levels of angst and frustration and anger that is unparalleled. And yet it also comes with unconditional love where once upon a time, you get to feel like that superhero that you dreamed of being when you were a child. For to a child's eyes, you truly are their superhero.

love on them today and thank the Lord for you precious gifts.

ok so....

here's how it goes. today for whatever reason is an emotionally charged day. my lost blog post was written somewhat thoughtlessly and more based on an unjustified emotional response. it was a gut reaction kind of thing. but my gut reaction has hurt a dear close friend of mine with whom i have no desire to hurt. therefore after been contacted by said friend who i found i hurt i decided to delete my last blog and instead post this public apology.

you know who you are and i am going to publicly state here taht I am sorry my thoughtlessness and gut reaction caused you pain. i refuse to name your name for the sake of your privacy. nonetheless you know who you are.

so i want you to know. i offer no excuses or justifications for my actions because the bottom line of it all is that my thoughtlessnes hurt you and that is what matters.

so i am asking for your forgiveness and i deeply regret having hurt you.

Trust

 This is a tough one for me, for more times than I can count trust has been broken in my life. Far too many time with people who should not break it. Which leaves me in a position of trusting many people. And here's the kicker. For some reason, my head holds God responsible. My thinking goes something along the lines of this. Things were out of control. I was too young to stop them. God isnt. He is all  powerful and therefore had the ability to stop damage being inflicted upon me as a child when I could not stop it. And he didn't. It very much feels like He turned a blind eye and a deaf ear. And therefore, I have difficulty trusting him to continue to care for me as things are getting harder and harder without any answers on the horizon. So what does taht boil down to? Trust.

Ok, so I know my theology is wrong here. And I know that God allows all people free will and that leaves people to have the ability to harm others. I get that, on a head level. I struggle with it on a heart level. For the little girl inside me cries out at the unfairness of it all and cannot figure out why things had to happen this way.

So now I am faced with some hard hard things in front of me. And as far as I can see there is no way out. So what must I do? Trust.

And to tell you the truth that leaves me riding a roller coaster. There are times when I am stronger and I can sit and choose to trust. Then there are other times like today, when I feel like I have been blind sided and all I can do for the most part is sit in a depressed mood and cry and worry and fret.

So this journey into trust is certainly wracking its havoc on me. I go back to the promises God gave me and rail at Him to bring those to pass. The phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle" runs through my mind. And yet it feels like this is too much. So what does that come back to?

Trust.

Which is like asking me to move Mt Everest with nothing but my hands.  "But God....."

"Trust, my child"

"But..."

"But trust."

So here i go to figure out how to trust.

random thoughts

scrutiny

defeats

authenticity

jealousy

inhibits

potentiality

misery

curtails

destiny

agony

defeats

ecstasy

Therapeutic hangover

So, I am part of a life restoration group therapy. A couple of times a year we get together for a weekend and have an intense weekend of therapy. Well this weekend was it. In fact, we could only schedule a one day this time and yesterday was it. I am not going to go into the details about what I uncovered but suffice it to say it was a long term belief that is a core belief that I have carried all my life. This group therapy is very gestalt like and does a lot of rage work and practical work. What that means is that we get very demonstrative in our work. We get physical in our work and do hands on, re-enactments, role playing, and scene re-creation. Now in that it was deep seated root work, it was very intense. And to be honest, I don't yet believe that this subject is complete. In fact, I can see me visiting this theme for quite some time.

So today. I slept tons last night and yet today still did not feel rested. In fact, I was extremely tired and groggy.  I couldn't focus on things, I drove mechanically on a path that seemed vaguely familiar to me. And it was familiar, it just was not where I intended to go.The aftermath of my 8 hours of therapy felt similar to a hangover. The same things as you feel with a hangover is what I felt today. It was the oddest thing. To me, if it affected me to that degree, then it is some pretty intense deep stuff. I found that today for most of the day, I have been living in something akin to a bubble.

Lets hope that as I continue to work through this theme the effects become less and less.

Prodigal Son

So there have been a few things that have been going on but  some preview is needed to this. When my x and I were still together, I bought some books by Stormie Omartian. They were about praying for your children and yoru husband. For quite a long time I did it religiously and I expanded on the prayers that were in the book. I prayed fervently for my family until I gave up for I saw no change. And now?

Well a few things have changed and I am not sure  which to chalk it up to. Many things have chnaged since that time. First, my ex and I split and thus began the ndoctrination against the faith with which we chose to raise our children. Jeff lived through a very confusing time when we split and he was given two diametrically opposed messages. My message was that Dad and I couldnt be best friends and it was best for all of us to seaparte in order to stop the fighting. The x's message was that I was the one who made this happen and so the kids could thank me for ruining their life. In addition to that, they were told that our faith was a bunch of fairy tales.

And so after our split, I still prayed for Jeff, differently know though, not with the books. And I talked with him and argued with him. I was terrified for despite all my own fighting my faith, I know that bottom line, it is THE MOST IMPORTANT AND INTEGRAL thing to have. I worried. I sought  much counsel. I cried. I fretted, I panicked. You name it, I did it.

And I don't know what shifted.  Jeff underwent bullying and some abuse stuff. As a result he underwent OEI therapy. Additionally, he had a God experience that touched him in such a personal way that no one can take that away from him.

The result? I have a child who has moved into a non christian high school, who tells me he misses chapel. I have a son, who is eager to go to the youth group that the church that is attached to his school holds. I have a son, who more than willingly tithes of his own money. I have a son that for the first time, joins in when we worhsip. I have a son that engages in worship art. I have a son that chooses to hear God and listen in and dessemimate that to the congregation.

And to think, that for so long, I thought my prayers around Jeff went unheard. There has always been a struggle for that boy's life.

Special thanks go out to God, first and foremost for hearing a mother's cry. To Rick, for knowing what my experience is like and in knowing develop OEI therapy. To Steph, for so kindly giving up her time to honor my kids by giving them OEI.

From one grateful mom.

Mishmash

It's thursday a day to honor my clients, for today saw deep wounds and the courage it took to go there.
However, my thoughts run to a different vein today....two to be precise.

Modelling:

and I don't mean the fashion industry kind. I mean the kind we do as we parent, that our children watch and learn how to be and how to cope and how to live.

when I reflect back, I think on the things that were modelled to me. Unfortunately these havent been good things and so it is a fight to break free form. They become so ingrained in us that a lot of the time we dont' even realize what it is we are doing. The coping skills that were modelled to me were unhealthy at best and I find myself using them as my first method of coping until I catch myself.

Then my thoughts turned to my own children and the things that I have modelled to them and it became very clear to me that I need to apologize to them and to try to teach them better. Unforutnately that can be hard to do when you are in the midst of sorting your own stuff out. So that means I need to do double duty to ensure that my children are equipped with the tools that they need.

As per the other random things travelling through my  mind, I am not sure that they are worth mentioning....

Return to Pooh Corner

It's a Kenny Loggins song. I love it. As does Jeff. It makes me cry. Most things do, this should come as no surprise. And now it makes me  cry even more. .

You see, Jeff and I were driving the other day and he said to me, "Mom, is this song suppposed to remind you of your childhood?"

"Yes Jeff, why?"

"Oh good, cuz it males me think that."

Because you see my son is apparently grown now and has long since past childhood, being 14 and all.

And that is what made me sad. My son remembers his childhood, apparently with longing. I guess things are too difficult for him as he matures and that leaves him wishing for simpler days and simpler times. I wish I could ease things for him. I know this is difficult for him as he still has not come to terms with the split between his father and I. And I expect that he sits and longs for the time when in his mind, his world was right. This makes me sad, for now I cry for two reasons when I hear this song.

I know all too well hard times suck. And its hard thats why they are called hard times. And sometimes it feels like the difficulty is going to swallow you up and you can't breathe let alone see your way out.

I also know that when you get through it, it does make for a stronger individual and it does reflect on your self-confidence knowing that you got through it. I know this will shape him into becoming a man. I hope I have given him the proper tools to do so.

And so, as I listen to Return to Pooh Corner, I cry. I cry for my childhood, and I cry for my son's childhood and I cry for my son turning man.

tatoos

I have been thinking of tattoos and getting another one. I currently need to add onto the one that I have but I was contemplating getting something written this time. I was in the mall the other day, getting the kids dad his birthday and Christmas gifts and I happened upon a Latin phrase:

Suaviter in Modo, Fortite in Re

For those umfamiliar with Latin, this means, Gentle in manner, resolute in execution. 

To me that seemed to fit the walk that I have attempted to walk regarding breaking up with my ex. I have tried to be gentle in my manner with him, to not be vengeful, to refuse to strike back and play dirty and to walk the higher road. Have I succeeded? Yes! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have succeeded in some ways. Have I failed? Yes!  I know that there have been times that beyond a shadow of a doubt I have failed. However, I have tried to have a gentle manner in how I handle things but at the same time to do so with a resolution that would not be swayed. It's not easy, I will admit I have failed. But even back, in the very first moments of our separation as I sat and had the conversation with him that we were separating, there was no screaming match. I tired to be gentle but resolute. When I told my children, the same thing, I have tried to be gentle but resolute.

A friend of mine thought that this was appropriate 

Ordo Ab Chao

Order out of chaos.

Again something that I have strived to do, Take a very chaotic situation and bring some semblance of order to it for both my children and myself. Again, not an easy task when far too many times, I myself feel overwhelmed. 

So weigh in if you please.....any suggestions? 

My dad

So my dad is coming. In fact he should be here as I write this. Me and the kids will see him on Sunday. And to be honest I look to that with mixed emotions. For you see, my dad and I have had, at times, a tenuous relationship at best. Now don't get me wrong, I love my dad and over the past couple years he has shown to be a family member that I know has got my back. For that, no words are adequate. I cannot even begin to describe how much I appreciate that. Many times, I have phoned him in tears, begging for just one person in my family to support me, and my dad stepped up. His words, "I may not agree with what you do, but you are my daughter and that's what matters." Many of you, I am sure, have good relationships with your parents and so what I write is foreign to you. And it wouldn't surprise me in the least, if most of you do not even begin to have a clue as to what it is like, to have your family turn on you. And that's ok. You don't have to understand my experience. Just praise God that my experience is not yours.

So why then do I have mixed emotions? Well, the tenuous part. I am in the process of trying to re-build a good relationship with my dad. We have mutually agreed to not discuss certain things. Now the problem with that is that doesnt mean that hey are dealt with. No, not by any stretch. We have simply chosen to put them on the back burner and not deal with it. And trust me, I know that that is NOT a good way to deal with things. I'm a counselor in training....trust me....I know. And yet, for right now, it is what is working and I do not want to rock the boat. I would hope that one day, either or both of us, would be far enough along in our healing journey that we could discuss these things, for I know that there are wounds on both sides. But that is not for now.

For now, we don't talk of certain things, we try to maintain a good relationship by avoiding the things that we know will cause friction. For now, we talk of easy things and we don't go deep. I try to provide grace for my dad. I try to provide mercy for him, understanding that the behaviours and actions that caused me pain were a result of his wounds. Does that excuse them? No, but it allows for a greater understanding and it allows me to extend grace and mercy toward him instead of harboring anger, resentment, bitterness and hate.

I do hope that one day, we will be able to surpass this. And maybe that comes from simply time and our own healing journeys. At any rate, as I face this Sunday when we will spend the day with him and celebrate his birthday, I hope for an easy day that is not fraught with tension in which we can learn to rediscover and enjoy each other's company again......

and its Thursday

Seemingly whenever I come off a Thursday I become so infected by my experiences with my clients that I cannot help but blog. So today I saw 2 out of my 3 clients, one had to cancel. But I had one of the most powerful therapy sessions that I have had the privilege to witness thus far. I had a client today and we came across a situation in which anger work was called for. So we engaged. But let me back this up.

I belong to a life restoration therapy group. Now this group meets 3-4 x per year for a weekend. We have met once and are due for our second meeting this coming weekend. We are 8 girls with a male facilitator. Now, inevitably in that scenario, issues around me will manifest. So thats what occurred. Male issues manifesting with a righteous anger for those things that occurred. And this is where it becomes crucial.

What happens in this form of anger work, the abuser in question  gets visually put on some pillows in the middle and the "victim" (see my other blogs of victimology) determines based on the anger that she feels what happens. Most often, she will take a bat and beat the hell out of the pillows and metaphorically the person who hurt her.

That release is one of the most powerful therapeutic tools that I have ever given witness too. Its justice served for abusive treatment. The release of the "victim" is a powerful turning agent that brings in so much healing

So tonight, I had the privilege of facilitating this type of therapy with a client of mine. I saw her courageously go back and face some deep deep wounding, I held her heart for a bit as she faced and fought this demon. I had the rare privilege of seeing her walk into a pain filled place and face head on those demons, do her work as horrifically tortuous as it was and walk out a changed person.

And that is why I kick myself til Im blue to get this degree. For moments like that when I get to see strength, resiliancy and courage like I have not seen before. It is people like this that are the heroes. They exhibit a heroism that has yet to be matched.

And so again, to my clients, tho you will never read this.....I honor you.

Inspiration/attitude

So many people lack inspiration. They lack a positive mental attitude. And I think that there are many reasons why this occurs. I think that there are many contributing factors to this lack of life spark that is turning epidemic in our land.

First, there is rampant destruction going on in our world from families, to cities to nations. It truly is depressing. If we focus on on the worlds current events, then its no wonder that we are a depressed nation, its no wonder that we lack inspiration and have a negative attitude.

Secondly, media perpetuates this. Rarely do we see positive good things reported. Rather just the negative that can at times be perpetuated and then of course the fear mongering that the media does. And to be honest, our government is guilty of that as well.

Thirdly, most of us have had a rough time growing up. We get locked into a poor me mentality. And I deserved better (which is true) so the world owes me now (not true). Growing up in a rough in  environment does causes negative self concepts and does cause negative thought patterns, but the owness rests on you to change those. Growing up in a rough environment does make things difficult...absolutely it does.....

I write today because I have noticed a proliferation of inspiring video clips on facebook lately. With the commentary behind them being such to the effect of "wow I really needed to see that today!" or "it was like that spoke right to me!"  So now that we have discovered the why we need to be inspired what do we do?

Well I can think of a few things, first and foremost, look to yourself. What have you overcome? What struggles in your life have you conquered? Do you give of your time? Do you help others? Do you volunteer? Do you go in and read to the littles ones at your child's school? You get the picture. This are all things to be inspired by. If your friend were doing them, wouldn't you think that was great? So why sell yourself short?

What about your circumstances growing up? Did your parents divorce? Were you teased growing up? Were you bullied? Were your parents physically there but maybe not emotionally? Again you get the idea...if you encountered these kinds of things growing up and it didnt kill you then be inspired by yourself!!! It takes someone strong to not let their lives be dictated by the past. So rejoice and be inspired but the strength that you have. You would celebrate it if it were a friend of yours, so celebrate, rejoice and be inspired bu you. Only you know the depth of the dark roads you have walked so be proud of the fact that you didnt let it beat you. Don't underestimate the inspiration that that brings to someone.

I can attest to this personally. People seem to admire me. I have been told this and to be honest? it takes a lot out of me to not brush it off. For to me, I am currently doing what I have to do to ensure the best I can possibly give to my children. My life coach and I had quite a talk about this last night. His words? He sees me as amazing.  Me?? Are you kidding??? He must be mistaken!!! For all told I am quite a simple girl with simple longings and desires that is doing whatever I can for the sake of my kids. I don't think that makes me amazing. I've been called strong, again from my perspective, I'm doing what I have to do and its not really strength that is doing this. People don't see me in my lonely nights crying myself to sleep, at night or scared and panicky for the overwhelming task of being the sole provider for my kids. I know to what depths i have gone, I know how dark my times have been and the things that I have done. Many....far too many things that I am not proud of. And I know the battles I still fight. These things, in my head, do not mean I'm strong. They mean I have a responsibility to my kids, they mean I am accountable to them and i have to do right by them so I do what must be done.

 Yet some see this as inspriring. So you see, a large part of what you do and where you have come from, what you have already overcome and what you are overcoming, may mean nothing to you, but may be inspiring to someone else so dont sell yourself short. Think on your accomplishments and realize that they truly are inspiring. And if you cannot yet do it for yourself then try and borrow someone else's perspective and know that there is someone out there who thinks you are truly inspiring. So borrow that until you start to believe it yourself.

My heartsong

I was chatting with my life coach today. We were discussing some things that I am going through and as we did so, he came upon an epiphany. I am going to stop right here and quote him for his words do it justice where mine will fail

"it is a heart that has been broken in so many pieces but they come together to form a heart so full of elegance and beauty, and a passion that beats with such vigour that you can not help but hear it's beat...( the main problem is no-one has been listening to its beautiful song........

"Part of me feels a part of you I think.... like you gave me your heart and told me to hold it with care which i have done but then something happened I started to see and understand the beautiful of this precious thing in my hands.. I began to understand the music that was coming from the core of it......"

ME--> care to share this song cuz I dont know it

 "It is one of longing....longing mostly to be understood... longing to be loved just for you... longing to share your joys with someone that would treasure each part of it, longing to see that it has much to give but it needs gentle care as it has been hurt"


After this the conversation move on. But I think that it is pretty bang on. My heartsong is one of longing. And more longing than we identified in the above converstaion. I have a longing to see hearts changed, freedom won and lives restored. And that is what I want for my clients each time we meet.

So yes my heart song is one of longing...some longinig on my behalf.....which entails someone to curl up with, to share my wins and losses with, someone to share my joys and my trials my trials and my successes with. Much like my life coach identified, my heart is full of longing. That longing doesn't stop at my own wishes and desires though. My heart sings a song of longing for my own personal desires but it sings a song of longing for others as well. For the healing of others.

So it appears my heartsong is one of longing. And apart from when my own longings hurt, I don't mind that that is my heartsong.

So in true form instead of asking why because why is an inVALid question that makes you an INvalid, I  will now ask "so what does this mean and what must I do with this heartsong of mine.....?"

Do you have a heartsong? Something that your hearts beats for?

A rant about reading

So as most of you know, I am getting my MA in psychology. I have a few friends with whom when I get together our conversations always run to the deep side of things. These conversations have to be stopped after about 6 hours simply because it gets far to late (think 12, 1 am) and we need to get some sleep. The time spent typically goes something like this. We grab a bite and start talking and then finish up wherever we are, move on to getting a coffee or tea and sit there and chat for a couple of hours and then end up driving around or sitting in a park and continueing said conversation. We had one of these conversations recently and talked all manner of psychological things. And I found myself embroiled in a bit of an inner battle. This friend had mentioned that he reads a lot of self help books, and to be honest, a lot of them in my opinion are a bit of a fad, they come and make this supposedly profound insight , get a lot of media attention and then disapper....think The Secret. That book brought positive thinking to the forefront of the world claiming some magical power to attract good things to you. Bottom line of it is: if you have a positive outlook on life, positive people want to be in your life and you see life from a paradigm of being positivitiy as opposed to negativity. It really is nothing earth shattering.

This friend of mine brought up another book that had much the same impact titled "The power of now." This book had much the same impact as The Secret. Everyone is reading it and raving about it and how it has changed their life. What is the book about? Immediacey. Living in the present moment and not kiving in the past nor living in the what if's of the future. Nothing too earth shattering. And yet, with the press it gets it would seem to have rocked the world. My friend and I discussed this book. My take? Well I had a few reactions. First, I gave the book credit to the concept, albeit its nothing new. And I said that yes, its a good idea. And then I qualified my answer and said....."however, most people's behaviours stem from past areas in which they have been wounded. Therefore, their past impacts them in their daily life. To dismiss their past and to only an soley focus on the present is a form of deinal which perpetuates the areas of wounding that they suffer in. The author claims that past issues won't affect you if you remain living in the present and not worry about the future. Again, this is a bit of a fallacy. Let's face it: everyone has undergone pain in this life. If your actions stem out of that and you develop maladaptive ways of coping, that will carry on through your life and will impact you in this present moment. To simply live in this moment, right now, is a form of denial and will be used as such in order to not deal with those areas. However, that pain in the past will still impact you.

On a further note, if you live only for this moement right here and right now, what about dreams? and goals? and hopes? Those are life giving things. If we live in this moment and only this moment, then we deny ourselves the pleasure of those things. Those dreams and goals and hopes for the future are often what keep us going when we come up against it hard. If we live only for the moment that we are presently in, we give up a large source of pleasure in our lives for there is no point to dreaming.

The third portion of this is: i get very frustrated when i see a book like this written by someone, perhaps with good intentions, perhpas not, who makes a ton of money selling a fad like this without actually thinking through what he is saying. There are far too many hurting people these days who are looking for something to ease the pain. Books such as these, often times written by unqualified people are being entirely unethical. Many people don't take the time to think these things through and instead jump on the bandwagon for it seems an easy answer to their pain and the authors who perpetuate such books, as far as I am concerned behave in an unethical manner, for they are giving an supposed quick fix to someone's pain without giving full thought to the impact that it may have. Knowledge in the hands of the wrong people can be a dangerous thing. People are craving help and will get it in the form of self help books and it is books such as these that in my humble opinion have the potential to do much much damage to the hurting soul.

thanks for reading my rant

The question remains........

So today I sit. Me and my chidren have successfully navigated another Thanksgiving, somewhat family less. I am grateful for my brother and my lovely sister in law who welcomed us into their home to celebrate. It made it easier on my kids to have family around. More like a holiday. My brother and sister in law got a glimpse of what it is like to live my life with my children and I think that they got a good sense of it. They spent a good portion of our time giggling at my kids. It was a good bonding experience for the kids thats for sure!

And so now back to the grind. I am becoming adept at managing a professional life on the go as I go about holidays etc etc. It was an interesting experience and one that realy showed me that as I move more into the professional world my boundaries are going to need to be stricter about work time and off time. The amount of information that was poured into me this weekend simply via email is crazy.

However, there was an incident which sturck home deep in my heart this morning. Whilst allowing the  members to remian nameless, it once again became apparent that I am the black sheep. It was a hard pill to swallow for it became obvious that in the eyes of specific people I am the downfall of my family. I am the unloved one for lack of better terminology. For whatever, reason, my family has turned against me and chosen a position of not loving me. And if they claim to love me, their actions belie their words. I find it a bit of a conundrum for my position in my family was the helper. I could be counted on to do what was needed.  Maybe thats the key. I was loved on a performance basis. I was loved because of what I did in my family or origin, not for who I am. And as I reflect on my marriage, much was the same, as long as his needs and wants were met then all was good and I was accepted. If not, then I wasn't.

Then I reflect on some other relationships and some fell apart for reasons i simply cannot fathom. Lying and deception  were involved however. That seems to be par for the course. Most of these relationships involved lying, deceit and manipulation.

I mentioned to my life coach that it seems to be that my thorn in the flesh is to live a loveless life. Not sure how and/or if that is manageable. And the logical part of my mind sits here and says 'don't be ridiculous, you were made to love and be loved. God made you to be in relationship with others and Himself.' And the other part of me that feels gives up hope that having someone who will love me for me will ever happen.

And so I sit, and I ponder and I wonder. Not sure which way to go and how to facilitate movment, in this. What I do know is that I have acumulated many defense mechanisms that will enable me defend against this but as we all know, that is nto a healthy way to go. That is simply ensuring I have more of my own work to do. Not a smart option.

So the question remains how do I ensure that I heal form this without building up stronger defences?

Thanksgiving

To be honest, I have mixed emotions about this weekend. For a variety of reasons.

I have many things to be thankful for and yet I have many things for which I still grieve and for which I find difficult. I came through an extrememly difficult first year of my MA. Most people don't know the extend of the suffering that I endured last year. I overcame and I conquered and I did so with mostly A's in my courses. I have a huge house for my kids, they each have their own bedroom and we have a big back yard. My son has seen incredible strides in his recovery. Nothing can be more gratifying than seeing your child come to health. My thesis is exciting. I have met a wonderful life coach who has become a huge support for me. My church family is wonderful and a huge support. My kids are with me. I get to spend the weekend with my brother. I have a car of my dreams and I have interesting opportunities opening up to me. A new found relatonship from an unlikely source

However, i greive separation from my family. This shows no signs of improvement. I miss havign a partner. It's been thre years and it gets harder not easier. The holiday are the worst because that is when you would be close to a partner and I don't. It's hard on the kids not having the huge family thanksgiving dinner. That makes it hard to manage and to keep them from dwelling on their loss. Its increasingly difficult as well in that i struggle with not dwelling on it.

Now at first glance, my thankful list is longer. And yet I feel the grief list more. I was going to say that thats because the things on my grief list are closer to my heart but thats not entirely true. The angst that my son experienced for years as close to my heart and that has abated. So there are things that are close to my heart to be thankful for, but my heart still hurts

So this thanksgiving as you have your spouses around you, and as you have your families around you, don't forget to be thankful that you have those things around you for not all of us have the luxury that you do of being able to look in the eyes of someone who loves you and know that your world is safe.

An Unlikely Alliance

I have had some new encounters with people lately, and I must say, I am encountering a most unlikely alliance. I find myself pleasantly puzzled by the formation of friendship that has quite taken me by surprise and that I would not have fathomed. And I find that I am quite pleased with and enjoying the company and the conversations with a new found friend. This certain individual (she knows who she is) has been very helpful in a lot of ways and I am finding that we are forming a bond despite the odds. I find that I am very appreciative for this opportunity. It grants me some peace of mind and it is turning into a relationship that I value, but again, it is the most unlikey of alliances.

Although,, for privacy sake, I do not feel comfortable revealing the identity of this friend, I do want to as publicly as I can say, thank you. I want you to know, how much I appreciate you. I am glad that circumstances have opened doors for us to get to know each other and form a friendship. I also understand that it may have been a difficult thing to reach out a hand and to trust me. I understand the risk that that may have posed and I honour you for taking it, for trusting me despite the odds. You have a beautiful heart and I thank you for showing it to me.

Looks can be decieving

I must say it certainly is an interesting dilemna.  I guess on some level, I don't look like I am an intelligent person. And yes I know for a fact that I am. And even if I didn't know it, the evidence is overwhelming and really cannot be disputed. However, by all appearances, people treat me as if I am just your run of the mill person. I find that it certainly can be frustrating at times, for people underestimate me and do not take me seriously about things that I know both intellectually and intuitively. I am not the type of person to flaunt something like that but if you were to engage me in conversation of meaning, then you would find that I am a highly intelligent person.

I am puzzled by this. Is it that I look like I'm a bimbo? or is it because I refuse to flaunt my intelligence? It certainly creates some interesting interpersonal dynamics. And to be truthful, I am not entirely sure what to do with this except for what I am doing........which really is nothing. I have enough grace for others to allow them whatever it is that they need, be it dismissive of my intelligence, be it the need for them to be right...whatever it is, I have enough grace for others that I let it go and do not make an issue of it.

But lately it seems to be grating on me. And perhaps that i s because my own identity is undergoing and upheaval right now. I find that I am starting to step into and walk in who I am meant to be. The person that I see that to be is elegant, classy and a professional. One who leaves ripples of impact behind. One who has wisdom and intuition and uses that for the healing of others. Perhaps that is why this is an issue for me right now, because I see some of who I am becoming and yet I am still surrounded by people who do not seem to take me seriously. It's almost like, they want to keep me locked into this place where they are comfortable with me being. But I myself am longer comfortable in those positions as I see myself as moving and stepping into a portion of who i was created to be.

It was once said to me that relationships can only remain as they are for a period of about 2 to 3 years, for after that people evolve into something different. But not everyone can accepts that. And so what I am finding, is that some are getting left behind. As I move further up and further in to becoming me, i find that there are some people in my life that are getting left behind and some are going to be left behind. That sounds harsh, and it's not. It simply is a natural evolution to change. As I step more fully into who i am, my interests will change and my tastes will change. That will entail that there will be relationships that fall by the wayside. It's different, it's interesting, it's comfortable and yet it's uncomfortable and I am not yet convinced

With knowledge comes power.....

Today I am off to school for a meeting and to g et my DSM-IV. Some say just anoother book. Not for me. I feel a great weight of responsibility as I venture off to get what is known as the "bible" of psychology. For herein lies the descriptions of all mental illness.

This prompted a discusson amonsgt myself and a colleague. Ethics. counsellors/psychologists have huge ethical responsibilities. We hold the hearts of our clients and have ben granted the privilege of entering into places in their lives, where the typical individual does not get invited. The honour of that leaves me in awe, most days. Yet our ethical standard does not stop there. Doctors have the hippocratic oath. We have one phrase that encompasses so much of everything "Do No Harm." It is the mandate by which we practice.

This too encompasses what we do with the DSM-IV. Many think that is is simply a book. But used unethically the DSM-IV in the wrong hands, can destroy people. An interesting debate that occurred recently in class was the pros and cons of labelling. Should we diagnose our clients,thus labelling them and perhaps trapping them into assuming that the diagnosis becomes their identity? Or do we diganose our clients, label them in order to bring freedom. For with knowledge comes power and once we understand the specifics of the issues a client is struggling with, we can then be proactive about their healing.

It is a fine line to walk........

Another ethical concern is the undergrad student. Oftentimes, when an undergrad student enters the program, out of some waylaid desire to help they end up entering into a time of self-diagnosing and diagnosing others around them. This has been known to destroy relationships.

Earlier I stated with knowledge comes power. That statement is not a stand alone statement, However, many people dismiss the follow up portion: "With power comes great responsibility"  As undergrads grow and mature with their program, they begin to understand the dangers of the misuse of the DSM-IV. They understand the destructive power of the knowledge they hold and one would hope that they would understand the great responsibility that they carry.

Which brings me to ethics. In my second to last semester, I am required to take an ethics course. I wonder at that. Not at the value of that for when you are holding a heart, being ethical is integral. I choose the word being as opposed to operating for if it is something that I "operate" in as opposed to "be" I am being unethical in my ethics. Considering the power of teh DSM-IV and the tendency of psych students to start diagnosing everyone within their vicinity once they enter grad school and/or undergrad, I wonder if this course is something that should be required earlier on, in order to set the bar higher for students to ensure that as they enter this field, they start to live in a manner of ethical responsibility.

With knowledge comes power, for ill or good. With power comes great responsibility, use it wisely.

OEI

Recently, a situation came across my lap which triggered some trauma that although I had thought I had done my process work in this situation, it turns out that I had not. I have been exposed to a trauma therapy called Organized Experential Integration. A brief outline: when we undergo trauma, unless immediately processed, it gets stored and frozen in your brain. Post trauma when we undergo a similar experience, it reminds us of previous trauma and we react in a way that is far too "large" for the current situation. This is because the previous trauma had not been worked through and processed. Instead, we can think of it getting locked in a trauma  closet in our brain. When we encounter a similar situation, the doors of the closet get re-opened. However, these same doors are what keeps our brains from porcessing it as it normally would, say in a state of REM sleep.

OEI is a form of therapy for trauma in which the client focusses their mind on the traumatic event. The thearapist engages in a series of hand movements. With one eye covered, the client tracks the hand movements of the therapist with the remaining open eye. The therapist is able to discover, where the trauma is locked because your eye movement will not be smooth. It will stop and jump over the point of trauma. With the client still tracking the hand movements of the therapist, the therapist massages, in a manner of speaking, the point of trauma until the sweeping eye movments become smooth without stops of jumps.

An additional technique of OEI is switching which is covering one eye and guaging your emotional state and then uncovering it and covering the other eye and guaging your emotional state, By quickly covering and uncovering each eye alternately, one can equalize and negative emotions and increase the positive emotions, In a very minimal way starting the processing procedure.

So yesterday I felt the full assualt of grief that I had previously thought I dealt with. Today i was sitll feeling  some of that grief, so i engaged in the swtiching technique and managed to bring some peace in. Why do I tell you? Because for those who have undergone trauma and are afraid of reliving any of those experiences in thearpy, there is hope. You can do this in a safe way wihtout beinig retraumatized. There is hope and there is freedom. That is something that I learned from this expereince over the past day



CAUTION: PLEASE DO NOT ATTMEPT TO TRY THIS BY YOURSELF. CARE NEEDS TO BE ENGAGED IN AND SUPPORT SYSTEMS IN PLACE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PROCESS ANY TRAUMA. IF YOU FIND YOU ARE IN SUCH A POSITION WHERE YOU NEED TO SEEK HELP, CALL YOUR LOCAL MENTAL HELP LINE AND THEY CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH NUMBERS. ADDITIONALLY, CALL FRASER RIVER COUNSELLING AT 604-513-2113 FOR OEI THERAPY.

The birth of Koala Cuddles!

So on Friday, Jamie was in bed cuddling with me as he does every morning. He has taken to sleeping with me at night as a security measure. Many of you, I am sure, if you think back will know the reason for this. He is 7 and I have no issue with him doing so considering what he has undergone. So he falls asleep beside me on the couch and then I take him to bed with me when I go to bed with me. I will stand him up on the couch and say arms and he wraps his arms around my neck. Then I say legs and he wraps his legs around my waist. He then sleeps with me at night and before we get up in the morning we have a bit of a cuddle session. And let me tell you this mom loves it! So at various points and becoming more frequent, Jamie will climb on top of me and lie tummy to tummy with his head on my chest and my arms wrapped around me. As he was doing this Friday, a picure flashed through my mind. Koala hugs!

Now this is what we look like, if you can imagine Mama koala lying down on her back. If you notice they are tummy to tummy and babe has buried his head into Mama. Here`s an alternate view of what I am trying to get you to envision.

The really amusing part of this all is this: when Build-A-Bear opened, I got each of the kids a bear and recorded a special message in it to each of them. A personalized message specific to them. Lo and behold what did I get Jamie?  You guessed it: a Koala Bear. And so for him and me, we now have Koala cuddles!!!

the heart

The heart is foolish at best. It sees life through rose coloured glasses. Although wounded, it can have the capacity to still love, and that can cause one to forget the pain and walk blindly into something one knows it should stay away from. It's quite a dilemna to sit in. When you are weaves a spell over you that pulls you in a direction that your head knows it not to your good. So how do we balance this? How do we decipher which way to turn. For my head and all the heads around me are syaing one thing and they all make sense.......but my heart says another. It says everyone deserves another chance, it says everyone deserve to be granted mercy and grace, it believes in the ability of people to change and it believes the best in EVERYONE.

The heart, well my heart, also takes into account its own wants and desires, and those factors do come into play. And so I find myself gearing up to walk into a situation next week where my head knows that its perhaps not a smart move but my heart sings a different song.

The hears is foolish thing..........

wierdness

So to further my post from yesterday, I was chatting with a co-graduate student and my life coach as well as a dear friend. I seem to be doing some ruminating as of late. Overall there has been a weird sense of unsettled, scattered and an overall concept of being out of control. However, there doesnt seem to be the usual angst or panic around it. Instead there seems to be a sense of calm or peace. And currently its a bit of a love hate relationship that I have with this current state of being. And it does take some getting used to, to not live in a continual state of chaos. And to be honest, the adrenalin is part what used to get me through all the time. I could count on surviving, cuz I had to and I had the adrenalin rush to push me through. Now I don't have that, and I am not sure a) that I like it and b) how to deal with this. And I thoroughly understand the benefits of not living in the state of chaos, less toll on your body and your mental, physical and emotional well being. But here's the thing, my adrenalin rush from living in chaos and surviving has been like having a best friend that is always here. I could depend on this friend to never fail when i needed him. And now, he seems to have disappeared or is maybe simply taking a holiday. And there seems to be almost a bit of grieving that goes on with it. I mean I had a long term friend who was integral to my survival and he seems to be gone with not even a good bye. Not sure what to do, i want him back although I understand that perhaps he was simply here for a time, to save me. But even more I want to thank him then. That is something that we teach our clients. As a child you no doubt learned certain styles of coping and lets face it, they may no longer be appropriate but they were there for a time, and they had an integral purpose...........YOUR SURVIVAL!!!!!!!! However, they may now be doing you a disservice as they are no longer healthy or appropriate. As such, they need to be honoured and grieved, for they were a part of you that helped you overcome what you needed to overcome. So, if you find yourself in a similar position to me, do yourself a favour, honour that gift that you had, treasure it and grieve it as you let go and learn into healthier ways.

And so I sit, in this between the spaces place. I seem to be hovering in between the past and the not yet. Its a wierd floaty space....seems kind of void and empty, nothing to really hold onto and somewhat surreal. Its like there is this place where I sit and watch things go on around me and I remain untouched but it all..........

things that make you go hmmm

Blogging

I must say that i am in a bit of a conundrum. I am sitting feeling that so much has happened in the recent past and I feel as if I am on the verge of so much more happening and I don't even know where to begin, which is also weird cuz usuallyl i can write.

So....let's see I had my first intern client last thursday, taht seemed to go well. And I have a client that specifically requested me and I have managed to work our schedules so I can see her. That is good. I have some buisness things in the works in which some extremely exciting things are happening. I saw the wonderful reaches of humanity today as people stepped otuside of themselves to help out a friend's son. It was wonderful too see some good and it should be celebrated in this day and age when all we hear is economic crisis and all we read is one horror story after another.

I am in the midst of some self refleciton, two big ones for me in the past little bit, one to do wiht the handling of feedback and one to do with my sleep....

I was faced wiht the possibility of H1N1 in my house.......that wa a shock and it was overwheming to sort through all the things that I was going to have to do...but alas, God kept us safe from it.

I find that I am living in more peace, there seems to be a lighter air about me. My unfilled dreams don't seem to weigh so heavy and I am not sure why....perhpas its the same thing that makes me think I am on the verge of a breakthrough cuz although crisis still goes on, I seem to be sitting above it.

So that brings me once again to this not having something to blog about. there seems to be a sense of privacy that is exisitng in me right now and I don't rightfully understand it....so i apologize that I don't seem to have much to say. I did promise that I would be authentic though and I don't know that it gets much more authentic then this......

Life coaching

So, one of the current ongoing things to do as of late, is to get connected with a life coach.I have often thought of doing so but their going rate is pretty expensive. Nonetheless, I have always seen that as being an assest. Having someone by your side that is about your best in any given situation, having someone to bounce things off of, to check ur actions in with, to get an outside perspective on, it's a good thing. Now, I'm sure there are a lot of people that think that it would be a waste of money, but the productivity benefit outwieghs the cost.

Take for instance procrastination. now this is something that many people often struggle with. The benefit of having a life coach is that they have developed knowldge in these stupid quirky things and can provide you with strategies to overcome them. Not only that, but hte provide accountability as well as being someone who is rooting for yoru success which can be a handy thing on those days when life just did not go as planned.

take me for instance...I have grown up with a lot of habits that were working for me in the time that I needed to use them. however, i am grown now and these skills that were of benefit to me for a period of my life are no longer of successful service to me. however, I still operate in the same manners as they have become habit, they are comfortable and because they had worked for so long, my brain has a hard time understanding that they are no longer working.

along come my life coach...he provides me with strategies to ovcercome these quirks that are no longer successfully servicing my needs, and he is invested in my success. He is a great cheerleader and for the times that I find that I am having a hard time that day pushing through, he is there on the sidelines supporting me, encouraging me and believing in my success even when i cannot see it.

and yes for some it may sound cheesy to pay to have someone motivate you and believe in you but from where I sit and from where i have come from this is an amazingly powerful thing

9/11

Today is the 12th day of September 2009. Yesterday marked the eighth anniversary of the terrible events of 9/11. I wonder how many took a moment to stop and remember: where were you when you heard the news? what did you do? were you struck by the horror of the situation? did you sit, as I did, in front of your tv and watch in shock as the twin towers game down? It was a surreal moment for me, it felt like I watched a horror movie and yet some part of my brain insisted in telling me that this was really happening as I was watching. Did you sit in shock as I did, and watch people choose to jump and plummet to their deaths? Do you remember in gripping detail as I do or have you chosen to forget those images and remember in a general sense the events of 9/11.

we need to remember. we need to relive and remember to feel the horror of what we felt that day. We need to...for a number of reasons....we need to remember in order to honour all the innocent victims, the moms and dads, the children, the aunts, uncles and cousins, the husbands and wives, who through no choice of their own were innocent bystanders and had their lives taken from them in the most brutal of ways.

we need to remember in order to honor the ones left behind, the now childless parents, who will never understand the kind of brutality that took their mommy and daddy from them. we need to honor the parents who have now outlived their children-every parent's nightmare. we need to remember to honor the young lovers who had their fiancees and dreams taken from them in one fell swoop. we need to honor the grandparents whose grandchildren will never again sit at the knees of gramma and grampa and hear the stories of back in the day.

we need to remember to honor the emergency personnel-the paramedics, the firefighters, the police force who risked their lives. Some lost their lives that day in the line of duty as they did all they could to save those in the towers and fight against the unseen enemy for at that time, as well all watched the twin towers blow up and fall, we knew not whom we were fighting. many emergency personnel did not give a thought for their own lives that day but rather went into burning and falling buildings in order to save their fellow man.

for you can guarantee, every year on 9/11 the children remember, the parents remember, aunts, uncles, cousins friends grandparents remember. you can guarantee each of the emergency personnel who fought that day and lost their brothers and sisters in the battle DO remember. they remember the horror of those events and we too MUST remember.

history is doomed to repeat when we start to forget so as we pass another anniversary of 9/11 please instead of giving a passing thought to that day, instead of glossing over it with a casual "oh ya, its 9/11 today," force yourself to once again feel the horror that you felt that day and hold your loved ones close, thanking our Lord that it was not you!!!!!

Honour our brothers and sisters who lost their lives that day by remembering and thus not allowing this to occur in our world again. For that day, we no longer remained canadians and americans...on that day we became family...brothers and sisters who lost one of our own.

IT'S NOT OK!!!!!!!!!

I am sitting here after learning that once again i was played for a fool. my heart lay in pieces around me and I am running out of glue. never mind glue. I am running out of desire and strength to pick them up and put them back together. i will, rest assured, i always do. this is really getting old. and yet even if I wanted to, I seem to be incpable of hardening my heart. But I need you to know, THIS IS NOT OK! Guess what guys? I cry....and the tears are real....i bleed and its red like you and it is not okay to play me for a fool so that I do cry and I do hurt. pain and people in pain is not good and that includes me. at the bottom of this blog, I ask you to hold my heart gently, for it is here that you will see me vulnerable. So this is me in all my glorious vulnerablility. My heart got ripped out one more time, and now it lay in shattered pieces on the floor around me. And you need to know. IT IS NOT OK TO DISRESPECT PEOPLE AND PUT THEM IN THIS KIND OF PAIN. IT IS NOT OK. So would you please just stop it. before you act, stop and think of the consequences of your actions and the effect that they will have on another. stop and think would you appreciate being in their shoes? If you answered no to those questions, then STOP IT, cuz IT IS NOT OK. I'm real, my heart beats and hurts like yours so take not please and treat it and me accordingly. I am not here for your gain, and I am not here for you to toy with. I hurt too so stop hurting.

its the eve orf....

my baby's first day of high school. Now granted its not a real day, he goes for 30 minutes, but nonetheless, my beautiful baby boy is off to high school. I remember the day he was born, I remember how sick he was, I remember my paranoia about letting him out of my sight after he got sick. As a result I fight hardest for Jeffrey. Why not? He nearly died. I was going ot make sure that he had everything he needed to stay well. It was a bit of an obssession. through that I learned that you never know fear unti you have a child. then fear takes on a whole new dimension. jeffrey has been a light in my life. He was and is coming back to the child whom it is a joy to be around. My baby is 14 and once again randomly comes up to me to give me ahug and a kiss. he still wnats to cuddle up to me and cry if he's upset. I don't know what I did but I think that I can finally say that somehow in the midst of horrible things, I did something right.



My baby boy is becoming a man. there is a part of me that cannot help but cry and the innocent joyful loving charming charismatic baby I lost and yet I stand i awe of this boy turned man that he is becoming. He stands as tall as me now. I look him square in the eye. We have had some great talks lately, talks about God, talks of his dad, and behold the talks of sex are getting easier. Hold on!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to talk of sex with a boy??? my boy??? oh dear!!!!!!! yes I am talking about sex with my son. good grief I dont feel capable of that but perhaps that is a parent thing. I only knwo that as my son takes this first step into adulthood, i hope that I have taught him well despite MANY MANY messages to the contrary to the truth that I have raised him with.

i cannot believe that i have a 14 yr old son heading into high school soon to be a man. So Jeff, if you read this: I love you my darling boy. You have led a life of sorrow up til now but you have fought your way through to rise above the struggles that life has tossed you. You are growing in compassion and love, even for those who have hurt you. Your heart is a tender one, guard it my son, but never let it harden. choose caerfully and trust your wisdom. God has given you a great sense of discernment, rest in that for it shall not fail you. You are much loved Jeffrey, and I coudnt ask for nor hope for a better son than you. May God be with you as you develop into a warrior man for his kingdom. you are a precious treasure and it is an honour to be called your mom. I love you darling son, dear child. I love you.

pain

I hae decided that pain shoudl not exist. People are far too precious for pain. Their hearts are treasures that should not have to experience it. It is horrible and it should not be. Today I had a conversation with a long time friend that I had lost contact with and we have just recently reconnected. He struggles and to be honest I don't think he even knows what he struggles with. But he is of the mindset that he got in this himself so he will get himself out. So I need to respect that but it is terribly hard to sit back with my hands tied and watch him writhe in pain. Its a horrible feeling to sit back and watch as a friend. helpless to help. I know the value of lessons learned. I understand the wisdom that comes with learning from consequences and to sit back and watch my friend struggle, I know how it feels when a heart breaks. So much of me hurts, aches and wants to spare him. I want to take the consequences on myself so that he would not have to suffer. And yet I can do nothing but sit back and watch as he makes his choices and learns his lessons. And he does not even realize the depth of my care and figures that I am in this for something. That's how life has shaped him, so that he cannot trust someone's care without suspicion. He cannot trust that someone would care simply because they care. A little jaded? Yez! but that's what his life taught him, and I wish so much that the person I know lives deeper inside his heart would have the chance to shine, and that this friend could experience healing from pain his pain. Dont' we all deserve that? So the only thing that remains for me to do is to pray that someway he will experience his healing and freedom. And although I phrase it that way, I expect that that is the most powerful gift I could give to him anyway........

the prodigal son comes home

So I was sitting here thinking on some things as a result of a recent blog and I must say that I am truly thankful. My prodigal son came home. Let me tell you a few things Jeff. I was 20 when he was born and he was dedicated at my wedding. One of the verses that was imparted to him when he was a baby was Isaiah 58:12 "Those from among you shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to Dwell In." (NKJ) At that time of course I had no idea what that meant.



The day we were supposed to come home from the hospital, Jeffrey became really sick. Instead oif being warmly tucked up into our brand new baby carseat to appear before his adoring family, Jeffrey went into isolation to be poked and prodded and tested with seven different meds running through his wee little body, each one 4 times per day, he was attached to tubes and heart monitors and IV's and we didn't know why. I woke that morning with my baby in my bed and we were covered in mustard yellow puss. Jeff was, I was, the bedding was, our clothing was. It was pouring from the crown of his head. I called the nurse, she panicked and called other nurses. They panicked and called my GP. He panicked and called tow pediatricians. The verdict? We don't know waht he has or why he is so sick. So he was rushed away from me and I had the pleasant job of breaking this news to his dad. We weren't going home, in fact Jeffrey isnt here. They took him away. So we went down to special care nursery and into isolation after we robed up in plastic and gowns and washed a million times...all to see my son.



So that week went on, it nearly killed me, I didnt sleep and I cried...more tears than I knew how to handle. They took him from me that day and tested him for everything. They wouldnt let me be with him as they did spinal tap one. Finally they returned him to me...to take him away again. You see...spinal tap one didnt work so they had to do a second. Meningitis was the scare at that time and yet they figured what Jeffrey had was worse than that. So thats how I spent Jeffrey's first week. They wouldnt let me stay overnight with him, although they could not tell me if he would be alive the next morning when I arrived. I sat and nursed him and pumped so that he would have my milk when they sent me home. Cribbage was how we spent our time. Then they brought in a photographer with a ring flash. He had me hold Jeffrey's face against my chest. The photographer told me to look away for the flash would blind me. Jeffrey went into medical books that day. We went into isolation on a Thursday. On Tuesday, I found out. Jeffrey had strep/staff infection from sitting in my birth canal for so long. I made my baby sick. I made my baby sick and so began my life long fight for him. It was the least I could do. I made my baby sick! And now because of that every woman gets tested for strep/staff in their third trimester.



So we stayed til Thursday and then we could go home. One week later. Finally my living hell ended. And so began life with Jeff. He was a very charming and charismatic child. Strangers woudld buy him things when we went to the mall. And I wouldn't let Jeff out of my sight. He was adorable, charming and witty. Then he turned four and something changed. I have been fighting for him for that long. At seven he was baptized by his choice.



Years pass, I find out that he is gifted with a learning disability and so our bi-monthly visits to a psychologist begin in 2004 I believe it was. And try as we might, we cannot crack this boys shell. He is no longer my boy, he is lost. Then my split happened. Thank goodness he was already in care and had formulated a trust relationship with his therapist. The split occurred and so did the poisoning of my son. He was turned against church, Jesus and me. He was poisoned against God, because of the split. This was not something that he landed upon himself, it was something that was fed to him constantly..."If God loves you why did he let your parents split?" This came from sources he trusted so in his view it was true. And so began the erosion of his faith. In comes the bullying. I'm not talking of taunting and teasing. I'm speaking of physical bullying. Being encircled by boys who stand shoulder to shoulder and beat on him. Having his possessions stolen. Having his coats flushed and soaked. Having things thrown at him, not paper balls but erasers, rocks. And although my son had been wishing his death since he was 7, he is now much more forceful in his desire to die. And why not? According to what he had been recently taught, God either doesn't exist or hates him and his parents, his source of stability are no longer together. Why not die? And I cry and I fight for him and I beg and I plead as I see my prodigal son leave and turn his back on the one thing I know will bring him the freedom his heart longs and searches for.



This summer, my church had a training time for its members to tune in and hear from God in order to bring healing to people. This was held on a Saturday. On Friday, Jeff tells me he has a toothache. All three children went with me to church on Saturday, although they did not necessarily participate. More than just our congregation has tunred up. People we don't know are there as well. One of them gets a word that there are people present that have tooth pain. I run outside and get Jeff and invite him in. He went in!!!!!!! As he was being prayed for, another person (one that we did not know, a virtual stranger to Jeff) gets a word from God that Jeffrey has been bullied and has undergone a horrible time over the past two years at school. Furthermore, since he has undergone this and come through it, he now has a gift for those who are being bullied, Jeff can be an advocate for the victims and bring them compassion and restoration. Jeff's mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged. Jesus became real for there is no way this lady would have known that. Earlier that day another lady had said much the same thing to Jeff, again someone he did not know. JESUS BECAME REAL and my prodigal son came home!!!!!!!

Jeff now actively participates in worship (something he refused to do before), Jeff actively tunes in to hear what Jesus would like to say to him this day, Jeff tithes. And all of these things are done of his own accord. I have not asked him to do one of them.



Jeff has always been the one I fought for the hardest. Why you ask? Because I nearly lost him. He nearly died and I have been fighting for him since. And I will continue to fight for him. But there has been a definite change in my son as a result of that day at church. He matured a lot in those moments. He became open to me. He talks to me and listens to me and is willing to sit down and discuss things with me. He is far more tender to his siblings (although there is always further to go lol). Jeff (he is now 14) will randomly come over to me, wrap his arms around me and give me a hug and a kiss.



My baby has come home and I cannot thank and praise my God for his restoration. A side note, if you go back and read his prophecy from his birth, Jeff was given the word that he will be a repairer of the breach. now think on the prophecy that was given to him this summer. He will be one that adovcates and brings compassion to the victims of bullying. When bullying happens, there is a split of friendly relationships which is the very defintion of breach. And Jeff was called to be a repairer of that and then more recently given the word that he will advocate and bring compassion and restoration.



Don't tell me my God doesn't exist. I know it. I've seen it. I have witnessed my own son's life be turned around as a result of one touch from God.



My prodigal son came home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Jesus!