No words

So much is in my heart and yet the words escape me

for one who followed her mother around chatting up a storm to the point where my mother very absently started uttering "mmm-hmm" and "yes dear" this is not usual

and it hurts and its hard and its empty and it scars

for my heart is full

but im empty

hmmm

So today was highand games. Now if any of you are familiar with Scots, there is a traditional way that men wear their kilts and lets just say that its commando. This fact is pertinent. So the day started off decently, the x went ahead to set up the tent while i finished with the dancers. At about 11 ish a mutual friend came by wearing his kilt. I was there and so was the x, his gf and this mutual friend. This mutual friend, like me, is Scottish. Well the x proceeds to inform Jamie (who is 7) that boys and men wear their kilts traditionally, and he proceeds to explain to Jamie what exactly that entails. Keep in mind, that Jamie is 7 and therefore this information is completely inappropriate and not needed. So I asked the x to mind his conversation as this was inappropriate. Well, I got it. In the middle of thousands of people, with a friend and the gf their, the x decides to lay into me that I have no business telling him what he can say to his kids etc etc. Bearing in mind, his conversation is inappropriate and I asked not told. I was shaking out of reaction on the verge of tears, and of course the others were left in an awkward silence.

My response was that if he is going to carry on like this, I will take the kids and leave as it is my weekend with them not theirs. So trying to be the tough guy and god almight himself, x throws a patronizing wave at me. So I pulled Jamie over to me, took a step back and waited until the next call for the kids' dance came at which point, I gathered the kids to me and left. I then proceeded to sit in front of the stage and take my pics as usual all the while the x kept throwing glares my way and i refused to respond.

Stupid thing is I still react. I freak, I get scared and I fear he will hurt me.......and one level I wish to God he would so I could end his influence on my kids. I wish that he would lose it to the point where he doesn't think, and instead acts with the result that he seals his own coffin.

Stay my hand.......right?

It was just a week ago that I did this once with him, and now not one week later, it happens again. Looks like he may be escalating. Good thing and bad thing, if he escalated to the point of not thinking and acts out violently he loses the kids, however, they may end up being at risk. If it were me, I can deal. I'm used to it, I'm an adult, no big deal. It's nothing new for me whats one more.

I wish and pray to God that he is digging his own grave and that not far off he seals his own coffin, and how horrid is that that I wish for that.

And I pray to God that I can stop reacting.

I'm a mess, aren't I?

On another note, here's a response to my highland days today:

Scotland's Sons

In the highland hills of Scotland
The price for freedom paid
Took may lives, much bloodshed
Scotsmen died at England's blade

The cost was much to bear
For this nation under siege
Each scottish drop of blood
The English bribed its leige

Many battles fought and won
Many a tear was shed
The anguished Scottish cries rang out
As the fields were turned to red

But freedom was their war cry
They would not call retreat
Both their daughters and their sons
Would not admit deafeat

Ch
Freedom was their war cry
Each clan called to unite
Freedom was their war cry
The Scottish sons birthright

Three years ago today..........

I left my husband. I think to be honest, I may have "left" him earlier but three years ago today we separated. Its bittersweet today. I think back to my marraige and I think back to the hell we escaped....me and the kids....i see it being played out in his current relationship.....and im relieved we got out.

I think of hte hell we have lived, the not knowing how to feed my babies, the fear of not meeting bills, the overwhelming incapacity with not knowing how to make decisions and the fear of potential repercussions as their well being lies solely on my shoulders. I think of the pain they have suffered and not really knowing why. I immediately go to "it's my fault," " i did this to my children," "if only I had.......," and it takes a very strong force of my will to remember that maybe it wasn't me. I think of hte many times I have held them as they cry for the longing in their hearts that will never be realized. I think of the times still to this day, where I hear the blame in their words and its directed at me.

I hear the anger is Jeff's voice and beahviour and I think, would that have been? I see Jamie needing to sleep with me for safety cuz of teh abuse he has suffered and I wonder would that have been? I hold a little girl in my arms who doesnt know how to make sense of her world and her daddy right now.........would that have been? I see anxiety in my children.......would that have been?

and yet, I see the beginnings of freedom in Jeff, I see a boy come man, standing up to his father for the protection of his siblings, and I wonder would that have been? I see Jeff holding his little sister in her grief and comforting her and letting her cry and I wonder would that have been? i see a bouncy Jamie, who never ceases to have energy and a smile....would that have been? I see relaxation in Jeff.......would that have been? i see delight in missy in her femininity.......would that have been? i see jamie always ready to bring a smile to someone.........would that have been?

answers to these questions I may never know.....

what I do know.......I must be everything to my children that they need right now, I must be mother and father and I dont know how to do that. I must be protecter and nurturer and I dont know how to do that. I must be comfort and wisdom and I dont always know how to do that. i must be emotion and logic and i dont always know how to do that.

I was unpacking/cleaning today and I found something i wrote three years ago as I formulated my decision to leave.

and so with a confused and burdened heart, that is catching glimpses of the abundant life my children and I will have i share with you:

what i must do

ch
How can i do what i must do
coldly destroy your life
with the knowledte that i hold
plunge you into strife

v1
nightfall steals in silently
i watch you while you sleep
the moonlight bathes your tiny face
while angels round you keep

v2
sweet innocence surrounds you
protects you, keeps you warm,
you love without the knowlede of
the evil of life's storms

ch

v3
overwhelming pain will strike
heart, body, soul, and mind
hold fast to me, trust my love
we'll leave the past behind

v4
i pray you see the wisdom
know my motives and intent
were driven soley by my love
to bring you peace, not torment

bridge
freedom we will find, will find
the lies we leave behind, behind
our freedom we will find


Did i destroy their innocence? did I take from them? are we finding our freedom?

Graduation

I didnt write yesterday, it was the day Jeffrey graduated from middle school into high school, but you had already gotten that post. However, today is the last day of school for Jeffrey in the safe arms of Hope Lutheran Elementary School. I attended chapel this morning and to be truthful I havent stopped crying since last night at Jeff's ceremony. However, today my reflections turned to the school and staff and how they have been to my family. Many of you who know me, know a fair amount of my life and what that has entailed in the past four years or so. And you know that my life has not been easy to say the least. However, very few if any of you know what my early years were like. Well let me tell you the bit that you have glimpsed of my life would be easy to deal with but I have a past like we all have a past and it still has its moments of haunting me. Based on that and the events of the more recent years I can with all confidence say, I have walked into the pits of hell, I have seen it, I have lived it and I have walked out of it. My brother told me not that long ago that he was questionned about this faith by some who knew us as children. They were amazed that he (we) still had a faith basis. His response? "How can I not? We as children walked with and held hands with evil and we know what it is and we know its extent. We know there is a living breathing satan who is hell bent on our destruction. It's almost as if we have no other choice."

In reflecting on this, it stood out to me today, just how far our little school has gone for me and my children. We would not be where we are if it weren't for all those loving hearts that are turned toward us. So I scurried home and wrote this for the school, I am engraving it on a plaque that they will recieve in the next day or two;

So to all the dedicated teachers (those present and those no longer with the school), staff and principal of Hope Lutheran School, I honour you:

You Stand In

When life spins me on its tail
I know not where to turn
When I feel like I’m derailed
And my kids feel much concern
You Stand In

When I cannot lead them forward
And teach God’s love and truth
When they’re lost and ignored
You show them what they’re worth
You Stand In

When Godly wisdom can’t be found
And I cannot see His light
When I see the enemy abound
And his lies obscure my sight
You Stand In

When my children’s heart are heavy
With sorrow that’s not theirs
When no one hears their plea
You offer up your prayers
You stand in

As a family, when we’re lost
When we’ve stumbled, fallen down
No matter what your cost
Your love lies all around
You stand in

Thank you for standing in for my children and guarding their hearts, minds, lives and souls.

Fathers Day

I have been laying low today, giving myself a much needed rest. In doing so, though, my brain has space to go. (If someone knows of the off switch do let me know). So I have been thinking. Today I don't see my dad, he lives in Alberta. I will phone him later and talk with him. So I start to think on what I would have done in previous years. Well, inevitably I would have celebrated with the kids and their dad. They are with him now. So if I wasnt doing that, I would go to my extended family's and see my grampa. He passed away last fall. And so here I sit.

I got a text message today, wishing me a happy Father's Day. Then a g/f wished me the same. Yes my children have a relationship with their father but anyone who knows of my life, knows I am mom and dad to my kids. Here's the kicker, I don't know how to be dad. I don't know what a dad would want to instill in his children. My own relationship with my dad is NOT one to be emulated. My children's dad, well I don't think he should have the title. So the question remains, what do I, their mom, need to teach my children, in place of a dad?

I know two general things: for my boys, I aim to teach them to be gentlemen, hold doors open for women be chivalrous. This one I know is working. My little man Jamie always holds the doors open for me and for women and in fact the other day scooted out of the car and ran around to the drivers side door and opened it for me. I melted as do all women for whom jamie holds or opens the door (although he is very quick to remind me that I need to remember to thank him!). With Jeff this lesson is a little harder and neither of the boys do that for their sister. I know this lesson is more than holding a door open, it is about treating women with respect.

Missy: this one is harder I think to teach, I need to teach her to choose a man, but I need to show her not to find one that is like her father for that is what us girls do. We seek in a mate a relationship that emulates one with our dad. So for this one, I need to teach her against that, and teach her that she is a woman and she deserves to be treated iwth utmost respect and dignity and that her voice deserves to be heard and listened to.

Lastly: I need to teach my boys how to be a spiritual head of their household and I need to teach them that that does NOT mean that they demand control through God's word but rather that they lay themselves down for their spouses and families just as Christ did for his Bride. I need to teach these boys that it is not earthly wisdom spun through Christian verbiage that dictates how they lead their homes, but rather it is a living breathing intimate relationship with their Saviour and the wisdom that comes as a result that will be how they lead their homes.
For Missy: I need to teach her that a wife supports her husband and encourages him and is his strength. However, in this manner I also need to teach her that that does NOT mean that she becomes a door mat but rather that if she is opposed to the thoughts of her spouse that she too gently seeks wisdom for her intimate relationship with her Saviour and gently challenges her husband on his thoughts.

I'm stuck.....first off, is this all? What else does a dad teach his children that I am missing here? Sure there are the more practical things like changing a tire and changing oil and killing bugs etc etc but what more am I missing? There must be more that I don't see cuz Im a girl not a guy and not a dad although i have to be dad.

It's a hard place to be, teaching my children things a dad should when i am not a dad and don't have a good relatioinship with my own dad to fall back on.

Not sure what I will do.........how will I manage to be mom and dad?

So for dads or those of you who know dads who would answer this question, I have posed it in my notes on FB. What is it that a dad teaches his sons, and teaches his daughters.......for now I must be mom and dad.......

happy fathers day to me?????

more high road....really????

Today I write to you with a headache the size of Manhattan and in a state of shock, questioning the position God has entrusted me, not sure if I am worthy of such a trust..... Some very serious concerns arose last night. In order to keep my children and some others safe, it became necessary for me to phone 911. As a result of this, some things have now become entrusted to me. These things give me the power to take vengeance and get back and seek to destroy. If In continue to hold onto the pain, if I think of all the damage that has been done to me, if I think of the evil and sheer torture that I have survived, a force rises up in me that seeks to destroy. Today I was given that power.

Its a hard battle, a hard line to walk and a hard decision to make. It shouldn't be, the answer is easy. Vengeance is not mine to take, but it is so tempting to dispense the punishment that I deem suitable. Forgive me for this but there are certain parties that at times, I want to see suffer, I want to see it now, and I want to see it on my terms. On one level, I feel I deserve the revenge for what I have gone through.

From what has most recently occurred, I am still in shock. As I write I am sitting under two blankets shivering. My body doesn't like being on high alert for the past 24 hours and its telling me that.

These are reasons I want revenge.

But I'm called to something different. I am called to extend mercy and grace and forgiveness. I am called to love. OUCH thats a hard one. Love those who have caused me such pain? OUCH!!!!

And yet that is what I am called to do. My flesh doesn't want to and I will be honest at times, my heart doesn't want to. But this is what I am to do.

So how do I do this? How do I set aside my right to destroy....well, I beg I scream I cry and yell I rage against God who sees me fit to entrust to me this. I remain puzzled as to how He thinks, I am worthy of such a prospect?

Matthew 25:23

His Master replied "well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your Master's happiness!"

This is the verse that comes to mind, but it certainly doesn't feel like it fits. I certainly do not feel worthy of what I have been entrusted with.

Odd thing is, to date I have stayed my hand. I have not sought vengeance, I have not sought revenge, and I have not sought to seek and destroy.

(But I did fall asleep writing this so now I continue....)

I find myself very tempted to destroy....at times......at times I don't care.....

There are two paths open to me with the knowledge that has been entrusted me. I can seek vengeance and yet there is a chance that innocents would be hurt

Or I can stay my hand and be supportive and hope and pray the damage is minimal......

It's interesting as I finish writing this, two days have passed, (I started yesterday at the end of the worst of it), and in reflecting back on my actions, whats interesting is the vengeance that I spoke of included me spitefully manouvering an outcome that I saw fit and that I wanted for I knew it would hurt some of the parties in question seems to be occurring.

I wonder if i actively but subconciously forced the hand

I hope not, I really do.

However, the outcome that appears to be ocurring does need to happen, for safety sake.

Yet it comes down to motive of the heart Ithink. When this initially occurred, I saw an opportunity to exact my revenge. And yet as this has unfolded, compassion in my heart took over, adn I believe that I have supported and advised out of that, and yet, the outcome looks as if it will be the same. God, forgive me if my evil intent got in the way here. I did try adn stem taht tide, I did try and watch my interactions to ensure that that did not occur and so Lord, I beg you if at all I was too sorely tempted and acted out of seeking revenge instead of actiong out of support and compassion, I beg you to forgive me.

But the outcomes appear to be the same.

I only hope i acted godly in this all.

It's funny, as I reflect back on my journey, many times, I have been tempted to act out of vengeance, seek revenge for the hell inflicted on me, but I have stayed my hand each time. And heres the wierd thing, as i look back and reflect, God has allowed the noose to close and I have done nothign to facilitate that although at times I have been frustrated by God's timing. But sitting back I can see wisdom in that timing and I can rest in knowing that staying my hand served his ultimate purpose.

And so now, I fight to act out of a pure motive of my heart, I fight to resist taking my own vengeance and............I stay my hand.......

graduation-dedicated to Jeffrey, Rick and Steph

So, I took my kids out for a picnic dinner by the river in a VERY secluded spot tonight. We played cards, I snapped some pictures and I got to thinking. Not necessarily my best course of action. I have a 14 year old and on tues he graduates from middle school and moves into the dreaded high school. I am nervous and scared and I sit on tenterhooks wondering if he is going to make it.

Let me tell you a little about my son. Last March, 14 years ago, he was born to a very naive 20 year old. He was my pride and joy and he was a beautiful baby. I remember the grueling 11 hours of labour, the 45 minutes of pushing and snapping at his dad when I wanted my nurse and his dad refused to get her. Despite what I thought was a grueling labour everything went well wiht no complications and mom and baby were fine.

I remember not letting him go to sleep in the nursery, rather I held my baby and he slept with me and I nursed my baby. I remember teh excitement of taking my beautiful son home. I woke that morning full of exciting anticipation. Yet I woke to horror untold, one of my journeys into hell.

In order to properly understand this, I urge you, before you read on, try and remember what you were doing when you were 20, trying and remember where your head was at.

I woke that morning, it was a sunny morning. I looked at my beautiful son and knew something was wrong. On the crown of his head, were boils, seeping a puss that was the colour of mustard, I was covered in it, he was convered in it and our bedding was covered in it. I immediately called the nurse and she came in adn took a look and my son and took him away. They got my doctor on the phone immediately and he rushed down to the hospital, His dad comes in with a huge smile, we were going to bring our baby home and I was left to tell him "We aren't going home" but that's all I could say because no one knew anything. My GP finally came in to see me, without my son. They have put him in the special care nursery because he is now a very sick little boy. BUT............we don't get to be with the other babies, we are terribly ill and no one, not my GP, not one nurse in the hospital and not two of the best pediatricians, know what is wrong with my son. Because they don't know what's wrong with him, they don't know what to tell me, and they don't know what to do. Not only that NO ONE could tell me if my beautiful baby would even LIVE!!!! And so I hustled it down to the isolation room. I needed to be wiht my son, for it might be the last few hours I spend with him and he needed to know that he was loved and that he was loved passionately and desperately. He needed to know that he was a gift and joy and I was going to pour into him as much as I humanly could in the what might very possibly be remaining minutes I had with him.

Then they kicked me out of his room. They were going to do a spinal tap for the dreaded M word---Meningitis. While they did that, they did a full medical work up on him, although he had passed all his baby tests with flying colors. I feel compelled to remind you at this point, I am 20 years old. So after all their tests, which to me was time away from my baby who might die any minute, they let me back in, to kick me out again as they realize the first spinal tap didn't take and now they have to do a second. I was loathe to leave. I needed to be by my baby. He needed his Mommy and i may only have those remaining few minutes with him, no one could tell me otherwise, they didnt know why he was so very very sick.

And so began our course of meds. Seven antibiotics through his system four times a day per med. Round the call meds at this point. And the heart monitors and my midnight watches. And on top of this they made me leave with no guarantee, my son would be alive the next morning when I got there. I would not leave til 1 or 2 am and i did wahtever I could to make them let me stay. But they refused me. But I was back around 5 in the morning and they didn't like that but what the hell did they expect? No one could tell me my son woudl live.

Next came the photographer. He carried with him a camera I had never seen before. It had a ring flash. He asked me to hold Jeffrey against my chest with his face in my chest and he proceeded to focus the camera. Once this was done, he asked me to look away for the flash woudl blind me. And he took many pictures of Jeffrey's head.

Also at this time, was my nursing insanity. Any moment that I was not holding Jeffrey or nursing Jeffrey, i was pumping milk for him, for he was not goign to have formula, He needed breast milk to aid in fighting whatever it was that he had, I had so much milk stored for my bud that we didnt use it all but i was NOT going to allow him to have formula if I could help it. I think the nurses thought I was insane but I knew I needed to give him every chance of survival I could. I was not going to let him die if I could help it.

Jeffrey was admitted to the NICU on a thursday. Days passed, still no word. Friday came and went, sat and sun came and went and still nothing. They have not ruled anything out and they do not know anything more than they did before. Monday came and went....nada. Tuesday dawned and we have news....its not meningitis. And here's the kicker. Jeffrey was so very sick because of me. Unbeknownst to anyone, I carried the strep/staff infection in my birth canal and during Jeffrey's 45 minutes of sitting there, he got sick. I made my child so very very sick. This was my fault. The weight of that crushed me. I did this. What the hell kind of mother am I going to be, I DID IT!

But now we know, now we can treat. On Thursday, one week after he was supposed to go home, I took my son home, overjoyed and yet laden with guilt. Jeffrey was since written up in the medical books and as a result all women now get tested in the third trimester of pregnancy to see if htey are carriers. If they are, they get a shot of antibiotics and then IV antibiotics during labour and delivery.

My son became healthy and was a joy to everyone whereever we go, He was a charismatic little soul that attracted everyone whereever he went. But I wouldnt let him out my sight. I nearly lost him once it was not goign to happen again. Where he went, I went. Where I went, he went.

Then I had Missy and Jeffrey turned, He was four when he became a different child, I fought for him and always will. I fight the hardest for this one. Why? Because I will not let him suffer anymore. He nearly died, and upon that time, an instinct kicked in me to fight for all i am worth for this one. It is something that I still do. And I don't see that ever changing......EVER! So that boy has undergone many things, two years of being bullied, a loss of his stability of family, witnessing the abuse of his brother, the antagonism of his father to his mother, bullying from his father and the dismissal of his faith from his father, so so many things that a child should never be put through. And I lost my son. I lost that beautiful beautiful child who brought joy whereever he went.

I entereed graduate school and stumbled upon a new therapy. And I put Jeffrey in it, three times so far. And now I owe so much to one of the founders, Rick Bradshaw. I also owe so much to his therapist, Steph Moyen, Jeffrey has been to this therapy three times. THREE TIMES!!!! As a result, I have my son back. The beautiful, joyous happy boy who attracted people to himself is re-emerging. My long lost son is back!!!!

And so Jeffrey, as you graduate, I want to tell you this. I am so so very proud of you. I love you dearly and there is nothing on the face fo heaven or earth that I would not do for you my beautiful boy turning man. I will fight hell for you dear dear Jeffrey. You are the best hting that happened to me, and I cannot begin to find the words to tell you just how much I love you, just how much I want nothing but good for you and just how much I am proud of you. You are here, you are alive and you are the most precious gift that God saw fit to give me. I would give up everything and anything for you my son. YOu have done your mother so so proud. You have been handed a hell of a life and you have walked it the best that you can and as you continue to walk it, you shall become a strong strong man of great character. Satan will curse in the morning for you are getting out of bed and you will be a force to be reckoned with. In all the gentleness of your heart and spirit, satan has underestimated his match.

I bless you dear son, and i congradulate you for a job well done. I pray that you have an ever seeking heart for the one who loves you more than I, Jesus.

And know this my beloved.....there is nothing in heaven, in hell or on earth taht could make me stop fighting for you or make me stop loving you, for you my precious son are worth every drop of my blood that may spill and every stream of tears that trials down my cheeks, I could not ask for a better son and I could nto be more proud of you than I am.

Thank you Jeffrey.

PS-Thank you Rick and thank you Steph..........you gave me the gift of my son.........

ouch

ok, so, so not impressed with today. I have been sitting here playing bejewelled and reflecting on things and it appears that I might be destined to loving those who don't love me back and least not in the manner or to the degree that I love. It sucks, cuz it hurts. And I have to wonder about God's wisdom in this.





in wondering about his wisdom, I started to reflect on us and Him and our relationship with him and all I can say is I am glad I am not God. He willingy chose to love us, despite the fact that we may not love him back at if we do, it is definitely not in the measure that He loves us.





I love and I have loved, those who choose not to love me back in the same measure. And the thing is, I can't not love them. I know that much so I don't fight. There's no point. I have relationships where I know part of the bigger spiritual perspective of these relationships. there is joy in them tobe sure, but there is also pain, there is anticipation and there is potential rejection and it all seems to go hand in hand. And I wonder how does God do it? How does He risk it all, to love us who may choose to reject HIm, how does he do it and choose to love us and even if we love back it is no where close to being in the same measure that He loves us? I know from my minute earthly experience what the risk brings for me, I know that there are those I love that will never love me back and to be honest? there are times I curse it and hate it cuz it hurts and me and pain don't get along so well



And yet, I would gladly take the pain of those ones that I love in this manner if it meant sparing them, thats the depth of it. That's what my love mandates. Go figure. Me who hates pain, would gladly take it on to spare those I love.



Love.............crazy crazy thing we got going here.....



not sure what to do with it...........I was thinking today I might write a book on it, cause there are some instances that I know my persepctive is different from most, and then i think this way and know that I have no idea waht it is and how to manage it.............I simply love with all the pain that that may entail..........

I was thinking earlier today that I may write a book on this and I know that I hae a unique perspective on it. And then I thought of htis tonight and I realize there are so many things that about love that I still have yet to understand.

And yet bottom line, there are those I love who may never return it, there are those I love whom i know WILL never return it. Can I stop loving them? Not if I want to remain true to who i am. Does it hurt, this knowledge? Hurts like hell. Can I change it? Likely not. I am so glad I am not God as I can only take this in small doses, never could I withstand this to the level He does.

And so I sit and love..........and I sit and cry.........and I sit and love..........with all its gruesome pain.......I sit and love, for I have no other recourse, I can't stop loving and so perhaps I should try and learn to embrace it......

For now..........I love..........

Crying

this morning, I underwent some pain for some that I had thought I had processed through. I stumbled across something that ripped me open and tore me raw. I thought I was done here adn maybe thats my lesson, maybe pain never ever really goes away. I didnt see this one coming, so I was not prepared and so I cried. I don't usually cry for myself. I cry for others all the time but for some reason somewhere along the lines I learned that its not ok to cry for myself but today this came otu of nowhere and I had no time to prepare. No time to prep myself and I burst. and now I dont know what to do, it hurts.

When I was a little girl, I would hide in my room and hold my teddy bear and wish desperatley to cry. but i never could cry. No one was there to hold me when I cried, no one was there to stroke my hair, catch my falling tears and whisper to me that although it hurts it will be ok. so i froze in mute silence, holding my teddy bear sitting on my bed staring at my ceiling. if you need a visual hit up my fb, look at some of the pix of Missy and imgine her doing that then you will see me. many mnay hours in my life were spent that way, some times the odd tear would trickle down my cheek.

Scooter my cat, bless her heart may she rest in peace, would come and comfort me, those are also some times that the odd tear woudl trickle down as she licked them off my cheek. She knew the depths of my pain....

And this morning I sit here amidst the depths of my pain, a 35 year old single mother who needs to hold it together for her kids so that they know their world is all right even when mine feels like its not.

what do i do? I hold my teddy bear again, while the odd tear trickles down my cheek as I desperatley try and hold it together, for once again, there is no one here to hold me, stroke my hair, wipe the tears from my eyes and whisper "it'll be ok"

(and if ever anyone wants to give me the best gift ever? get Mr Bear fixed for me!)

my babe

is growing up, she's 10 and we have to go training bra shopping. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Beauty Haunts

This was inspired by my daughter. I was on a field trip with her and I started snapping pictures. As I started to view them, I started to cry at how beautiful she really is, although she doens't see it. I remember being her age and thinking much the same to what she thinks now about herself. And through my tears, the title came. So my darling beautiful precious girl, this one's for you:

When Beauty Haunts

Ch
When beauty haunts
it rips the soul
it tears the mind
it haunts in full

v1
Are you looking
Do you see
or turn away
and forget me

v2
I'm here you know
Look, behold
For then you'll see
beauty unfold

CH

v3
Look and see
what lies behind
the veiled look
its my disguise

v4
when you choose
open your eyes
you will discover
where beauty lies

Br
its a hunt
its a search
of unfathomable worth
its a hunt
its a search
then beauty is birthed

Superman

K , so awhile ago, someone prophesied over me that I am like superman and that I have his characteristics and that I am like one who wears his cape. This morning as I was figuring out what to wear, i remembered this shirt and put it on which is very odd cuz I dont at all feel like a superman today. So then I started to google what the characteristics of superman are....alturistic, fearless, ready to jump into danger, swooping, daring, intelligent, honourable,c ourageous, compassionate, He represents idependance, individulaity, freedom and justice. He does the right thing without fame and fortune, he stands his moral ground without being afraid and he doesnt give up. That's a lot to live up to.....a lot. I wonder how I do and I wonder if I will get there. I do know that there are attributes in their I do possess....I guess just keep pressing in and pressing on..........isn't that what superman would do?

ah ha!

and as soon as I published the first blog the dawning realization began. Self care. As a counsellor in training, we are very good about ensuring that our clients take time out for self care, and yet that is something I seem to struggle with and not because of a denial that it needs to occur and not as a result of martyrdom, simply as a result of no energy. i have been under an insane amount of stress this week. I had a final for which I had no idea how to prepare, and so i went nuts iwth the studying and then after that I had to write proposal one of my thesis, the lit review, not fun. It had to be in by midnight last night. Then I had to drive for a field trip, had to go to an all day dance competition today which meant I had to be on top of practicing this week and I had a few more irons in the fire that didnt pan out but were expected to and some last minute things crop up that of course had to be dealt with............good and bad.

So its boiling down to self care. I know I need to engage in some. I brought my camera to the dance competition today, hoping I might find an outlet there. instead I got lost, had a daughter throwing up as we drove in and had a son who almost didnt make it in time to dance. Anohter stressful day. and now I just want someone to take care of me right now. I know it needs to happne the self care part, but I have no energy to do and so I wish i had someone around right now to help me...........

self care...............must find a way to ensure it happens.............

today I sit. This might be the first Saturday evening in a long time whenI have not had the pressure of homework that must be done, hanging over me. And so i reflect, it has been a busy week finished up by a busy day. and so I reflect. last September I entered the MA with such high hopes and no concept ofthe cost. The past 10 months have seen many many things occurr in my life. Some of you know some of which I speak but there is always that small part which few know. But this past year has challenged me in ways that I would not and could not and did not see. I wonder I how i did. I am alive and kickng so thats likely a good thing, but I still wonder if I made it through with the grace and courage i would have liked to. I reflect back and see ways or areas that I would have liked to do better.........

I hope that amidst it all, it can be said that I grew, after all isnt that what its about? Growing, challenging those around us to do the same, calling out the treasure that resides in each of us and bringing it forth?

I think I need to take more pictures, I spent some time with my daughter on Friday and thats what we did and I found it to be something along the lines of indescribable. she took some and i took a bunch more, she ahs a good eye that one. I would love to put them onto my computer but no desire to do that right now.

and so I sit, mulling, pondering and unable to readily discern whats going on for me...

sorry for the ramble but something is underneath it all i just cant figure out what......

Congruency

So its stupid o'clock once again and I have to be up in less than 5 hours and yet here I am....blogging. But here's the thing. I have been hard at work all day finishing up my thesis and this is the first time my brain has had a chance to mull. So welcome to my mullings.

Congruency..fro some reason my thoughts turned to my sister tonight. I know how.........I was talking to my brother and telling him about my thesis and the current direction in my life and how I hope to be published with my thesis and the theses that come out of this thesis. In thinking of that my thoughts turned to the rest of my family: my dad, who is also proud of me and what I am accomplishing and my sister and my mother.

Those last two have disowned me, they have sided with my ex and have chosen to believe that I am mentally ill....crazy and insane were the words my sister has used about me recently. So I sat and pondered that. I chose to disrupt my FOO's set up. I stepped out toward healing and I suffered the backlash, my TWU friends know to what I refer.

I was recalling a conversation that I had had with my brother about my mother and sister (pretty soon I believe that I will no longer refer to having either of those, we have no relationship anyhow....), In it I stated very emphatically that my sister hated me. My brother challenged that and said that "no she doesn't hate you she just simply thinks that you are crazy and insane. I refuted that and said "no she hates me and to be honest I am the most sane of hte bunch of us." After that, rather than argue with my brother I dropped it.

It was that conversation to which my thoughts turned. Congruency.........the point my brother wanted to make was that my sister did not hate me, nor my mother for that matter. My point? their actions and their words speak different messages. This theme has come up around me a lot lately and in that vein I strive to be congruent. do I succeed? not always but I am a work in progress and there are times that I do succeed. Congruency is a manner inn which we can be assessed. And trust me we are all assessed every day. so on that note we should strive to be congruent. It is very easy to flap our gums and say one thing, but the truth lies in our actions.

I have been at the mercy of someone whose words I believed and who's actions I chose to see as faulty. The problem was, the words admitted the failure but promised the success. I loved this man dearly. And he played me like a fiddle. I believed his words and hoped in his words/actions. i wanted to believe him and so I looked for anything to hold on to. And my heart broke and it took waht seemed like forever for me to slowly pick up each shattered piece, each sliver of my heart and piece it together and find where each piece fit. For you see, he showed (tricked, played) me what i thought was the world and the whole universe. And to be honest, there were some very excellent things that I learned and grew from. But bottom line, he was not congruent and as a result I bear one more scar on my heart.

My sis and my mom............where this all started........again people who cannot be and choose to not take the steps that would enable them to be.......congruent.

so what happens then? i once again, kneel down and start to slowly gather each sliver, each shard of my heart..........that once more bears the scars of being shattered into millions of shards and slivers. if we lived this way, we could alleviate untold amounts of pain that we would feel and that others would suffer at our hands...

is there a point here? yes!

for all of us, we should strive toward authenticity (see earlier post) and toward congruency for then at the end of the day we can lay our head peacefully look into the eyes of our Lord and the eyes of our loved ones and know in the deepest recesses of our being that we lived that day to the best of our ability

Autenticity and Congruency............thats my challenge to you........

Do No Harm

One of the first mandates that we as counsellours in training take on, believe and practice. Above all we are to do no harm to our clients. So what does that mean exactly? A lot! First it means that when we have clinets in our office, we strive to make sure that al our interactions with them are of benefit, we strive to ensure that they do not leave our office in an unstable spot, we strive to ensure that, if and when we deal with trauma, we ensure that we have ended our session in such a way that does not leave them in an emotionally vulnerable place. It means that we hold the heart of our client with tenderness, care, love, respect and dignity. It means more than i can really express.

Today I am still reading for my thesis and I cam across a statement: "Can a clinician that adheres to one school of thought, use procedures from another school of thought without contaminating their approach?" I take issue with this question. Each of us as counsellors (in training or otherwise) have a theoretical school from which we operate. And herein lies my issue. If I am a cognitive behaviourist (which I am not!) and there is a therapeutic intervention from the Emotional Focussed therapeutic alliance that is found to be extremely beneficial to my client, so I use it?

Bit of a conflict: the intervention is not part of my theoretical perspective, so do I be ethical and stand true to the orientation that I believe in? But in doing so I am denying my client a potential treatment that might bring untold benefits. So, do I use the intervention and give my client the benefits and become a hypocrite in using something that I do not inherently, necessarily believe in?

DO NO HARM!!!!!!!!!!
-bottom line, if it benefits my client and will provide them relief, USE IT! Our first responsibility is to our client. If I am that opposed to it then that actually speaks to something within myself that I should be in therapy processing through. This is why I do not subscribe to a particular school. I believe in the whole person approach to my clients, which means that I will use whatever measures are beneficial to their circumstances as my responsibility and accountability is to my client: DO NO HARM!

a burdened heart

So today i am writing more of my thesis, and in that I am dealing with trauma as my subject matter, I find my thoughts and my heart turning toward those in my life. So so many of the ones that I consider dear to me have recently undergone or are undergoing some form of trauma and my heart breaks for you. Many times, I sit and think on you guys and I cry for the pain that I know you are suffering. I know pain in an intimate way, and I know how overwhelmimg it can be and how hard to come out from under. So many times, I wish I was with each one of you, in order to provide love and support in even a small way. When I read your stories, words fail me and i find that I cannot express the depth of my hurting alongside you and the depth of my desire to help in whatever way I can.

Many of you are courageous individuals whom I admire wholeheartedly. You have shown such strength and such grace and poise in the midst of so so much, As I am writing this, many names are running through my head, far far too many to begin to list. All of you have been an inspiration to me at one time or another for I know some of the depth of struggles that you have endured and the authentic resiliance that you show as you forge through one millisecond by one millisecond at times, is truly an inspiration to me.

And so thank you, thank you for being who you are, thank you for sharing a small part of your heart with me, thank you for your honestly in your trials, and to all of you I dedicate my career. I wish to heaven that I could have been there to aid you but in lieu of that as I go forth in my career, I will remember the strength that each one of you has shown and I will do my best to honour you by pouring into those who enter my office what I wish to have poured inot your hearts.

Thank you my dear friends for being my inspiration....

Thesis

i really am beginning to wonder what on earth got into me. i am sitting at home on a wednesday night when i have no children as they are at their dads and what am i doing? writing a thesis...i'm beginning to wonder what on earth possessed me to do this. Ah! theres the answer I must have been possessed by some type of academia. and so I sit here, trying to not waste my time....hmmm and yet here i am on blog...not doing so hot i guess.

You know what keeps me here? what my inspiration is? my son. I am writing this thesis in honour of him. If any of you knows that story and knows my topic that will make sense. but Jeffrey, my beautiful baby boy for whom I have shed many a tear over the years for the hell he has had to endure.....HE is my inspiration for this thesis, and I unofficially dedicate my thesis to him...

now back at it

hold

v1
My sweet faced girl
I sit and watch
your world unswirl
amidst your thoughts

v2
I ache for you
to heal your soul
to enter in
where no one goes

ch
hold my hand, dont let go
we'll walk and run and fly
hold my hand dont let go
we are destined for the sky

v3
you are a treasure
that walks this earth
theres not a measure
to guage your worth

v4
when you cant see
its all too far
ill help you be
a shining star

bridge
its you and me babe
we will be free
together we'll reach
our destiny

wierd

For two days now, I have not had any major revelations. I find this wierd. For a bit there i was writing like mad, and now? Nada. Im not sure if this is a good thing. Is it good that I have nothing to say or is it simply a by product of being consumed by school. Speaking of, my daughter came crying to me the other day saying how she feels that my life is consumed by school....and she's right. Since my split, I have been back at school obtaining my undergrad and then straight into my MA program. It is frustrating to know that my children have lost thier mother. Up til then I was home for them, doing a bit of work but still being involved in their school activities. It has been a huge adjustment for all of us to lose our family unit and then for the kids to lose their mother and for me to lose that part of my identity all in one fell swoop. One of my most trusted girlfriends continues to tell me that part of this process is ensuring that when I come to my next marraige (that still sounds so horrid at times and so blessed at other times) that I will be bringing something of my own to offer to our union. I will have a career that entails that I am not dependent on my husband as I once was. This is a good thing but the road there has been long and lonely and we have all suffered greatly for it. I do try and still do all the mom things but I notice the difference. Whereas, once my children took it for granted taht I woudl drive on their field trips, they now rejoice when that happens. The flip side of that is that they are just as devastated when I cannot.

They don't know and I am trusting you all to keep it to yourselves but I am planning a holiday for us, one that will boggle thier little minds. I hope to on some level make it up to them for my absence in their lives during this past three years. And I hope and pray that God sees fit to allow my thesis and internship to go well so that I may graduate next year and then can have mommy back to a degree......

thanks for listening, apparently I had something to say......

The Mark of a Woman

So in my many ponderings, which I seem to be doing a lot lately, I started to think on what it means to be a woman. A gentleman I know gave me this perspective. The true mark of a woman lies in her vulnerability......interesting definition adn something that speaks to me. But where does stength fit into this?

I amin a unique position here. circumstances in my life....being a single mom of three and having to fight tooth and nail for the well being of my kids entails that I be strong and challenges my being vulnerable. And yet does it? And yet last night a situation arose for me where I couldn't help but feel vulnerable and desperately wanted someone here for protection.

I think though, we should start by defining our terms (can you tell I live in academia???):

vulenrable: capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt

strength: the quality or state of being strong

ah but see now we have another definition to look up

strong: especially able, competent or powerful

Ok, so on the surface strength (the acto of being strong [ able competent or powerful]) is opposed to the definition of vulnerable ( susceptible of being wounded or hurt) or is it?

As I look to my own life, I think I can start to make some sense of this. My life is forcing me to be a mother and a father to my kids which is really hard cuz I'm not a guy. So if you're a guy reading this, this is partly why I want to understand you people, I am attempting to raise two boys to be strong courageous yet sensitive Godly men. Not easy when you dont understand men :-p. I am currently in a situation where I have to be strong, I have to rely on myself and make decisions that I feel completley unprepared for and I do so solo. I don't have a healthy male perspective to bounce my thoughts off of. And this goes farther than doing the more typical "male " chores around the house, although there is that too. I have to be spirituatl head of my house and raise my boys up in a Godly manner.

I have to be strong.

In our current economic crisis, I have to make the financial decisions of the house, I have to worry alone and brainstorm alone as to how I will sometimes get food on my table. This summer is looking kind of bleak and yet I have to face it alone. I have to carry these burdens without the shoulders of a man to help me in this.

I am breaking into the professional world. An area in which strength is seen as a trait to be admired, an area in which men dominate and to get ahead as a woman, you need to deny your womanhood and femininity. Or do you?

I have been described as strong. I don't see it. I see vulnerability. I cry.....I cry a lot when my kids arent around me, when I'm home alone. I cry more than anyone could fathom I think. In fact, I feel very vulnerable today and as I sit here typing I hold my teddy bear.

So how can I be strong but vulnerable? How do I ensure I don't lose being a woman in light of my life right now? How do I be strong yet vulnerable?

I think the bottom line of it is, I am vulnerable. I hurt easily. My heart aches a lot and I am quite a sensitive person. I feel and I cry and underneath it all, I am vulnerable. I can't seem to help it and its something I seem to be willing to do because I let people into my heart and if you do that, then you are vulnerable, you do risk being hurt. Lets recall the definition of vulnerable: capable of or susceptible to being hurt or wounded. Yup, that is me, as I let people into my heart. And thats not something that I can control...........well perhaps it is, but to me that means not letting people in my heart..........maybe I just haven't found the balance. But I see treausre in people and I want to call that out and for me that means a heart to heart connection, well that will mean I risk being hurt, that means I am vulnerable. And for the most part I feel that they are worth it.

So how does the strength portion fit in?

Many people seem to hold that emotionality is a sign of weakness and that in order to be strong we do not show emotions. Hmmm.....if thats strong I don't like it not one little bit. And yet, in light of moving into professionalism, being an agressive woman is seen as strength. Don't like that either. So how do we do this?

Some say I am strong, maybe I am. I am doing all these things. I am raising three children and bringing them up in a godly manner as best as I can. I am making decisions that I don't want to make during this economic crisis. I am entering a professional world. I do do the more male typical chores around the house and I have the bruised thumbs from hitting them with a hammer to prove it. I am raising boys, trying to teach them to be gentlemen, hold doors open for women as signs of respect (ask me for that story, its very cute!), trying to give my boys a healthy view of male sexuality when I don't even get it myself!!!! Trying to be matter of fact about male sexuality and make it normal for my sons. Trying to teach them that as males it is ok to be sensitive. Trying to teach them how to do things like fix a tire when I dont know how myself, how to fix things aroudn a house, when each of these things Im learning as I go. Again, let's do a definition check in here: especially able, powerful or competent. Well, by that definition, I don't know that I am strong. I'm certainloy not especially able, powerful or competent. But I seem to be doing a lot of things that people consider as strong. I am making it work......so.......maybe I am strong?

I think and I truly am looking inward here and trying to make sense of it all so do forgive me, but I think being vulnerable speaks to the heart. No matter what I cannot turn off my emotions, I will let people in and I will therefore always be susceptible to being hurt. I will cry.......alot......and I think I'm ok with that. I had better be cuz I cannot stop it anyhow. And as I navigate the business world, Iknow that many decisions I make will incorporate what my heart says, be it right or wrong, I know that on some level I will take into account my intuitive level and my decisions will take that into account.

So how do I be strong, whilst being emotional? I am not strong by its defintion. Yet others say I am. So how does that work? Well I think that perhaps it means pressing forward in spite of all odds, realizing limitations, willing to work through limitations, recognizing one's own weaker areas and being able to humbly ask for help when needed. I do ask for help, I have asked for help. If I hadn't done so, I could not have made it to where I am. I do try to attempt to fix things on my own, even when I am tired and I have no deisre to and I just want to curl up and cry. And I will curl up and cry, and then I will find some sort of resolve to try and remedy the situation and then if I still can't I will ask for help and/or input. I have to keep going, three beautiful sets of eyes staring up trustingly at me makes sure I do press on. But I do so amidst many tears (when they don't see, some they do and I think that that's ok too). Many times I feel very alone and very vulnerable and want to sit down and cry and not fight and give up and go to sleep for a very long time as I am so very tired and worn. And maybe I do for a time...but then I pick up, continue to press forward and to "do" because my babies trust me to.

Maybe that's strength amidst vulnerability and just maybe that is the mark of a woman....

ouch

so today turned out to be a much harder day than i had anticipated and I am unsure why. On June 25th 3 years ago, my ex and I split. I was a decision that was a long time coming and one that was taken with much prayer. It was not something I did lightly. I thought and prayed and sought out counsel. To further that, I gave him time to reconcile. I looked for some heart changes and I found none. I looked for repentance and I found remorse. And so here I sit three years later....

Was it the right decision? Yes! Would i change it? No! and yet.......here I sit and here I hurt. It was not long beforemy ex hooked up with my neighbour and even shorter still when he moved in with her. This past December they bought a house together. And I have been doing well.... had some temper tantrums along the way but came to resolution and acceptance of all of it. How?

Well I know I have done right by my babies. I know that they needed time to grieve the loss of our relationship and I know that they needed stability, time to heal. And as their mother I owe them nothing less. I initiated the split after all...

And yet, my heart has longed so much for my love. God promised me one after I split and my heart longs for it oh so much. I will admit. I am tired of being a single parent. I am tired of doing it all. I am tired of having to be mom and dad. I shouldnt have to but I have to.

And so today was another day of being single mom. The kids are spending the weekend at their dad's. But it was my baby's piano recital (something I have implemented and worked with him on....again all me). And dad shows up as I expect. I am not going to deny him those things, although I do the legwork on them. I could handle that. Then I find out the x mom in law is there. Now she holds me with much disdain, but again I don't let that affect me. I smile, I greet and I'm polite and warm and friendly.

And yes, the girlfriend....my neighbour...who cares not a trifle for my children....was there. Again I can deal with that, its happened before and for my children's sake I will get along with her. But the crusher came today as I sat one seat away from her and she reached over to flaunt her ring that sits on her left hand ring finger.

So there I sat, seething inside wearing a smile on the outside trying to focus on my son. Wishing like hell I had someone beside me to share my joy at my son's recital. Wanting so desperately to reach out and squeeze someone's hand as we shared a small intimate smile and the goofy things my boy does. Someone to delight in his antics with me.

But yet my sentence today was to smile externally, while i seethed internally as she flaunted her ring and their relationship in my face yet one more time.

It's been three years. I am still alone yet I long for my partner. And i dont know who or where he is..........

ouch!

God, you promised him to me. How much longer? Where is he?

this am

so this am i wake up to my cat having kittens. now oddly enough this cat is a bit needy when it comes to having kittens and apparently cannot do it on her own so i have to sit right here beside me or she will follow me. the problem is, my son is having an abreaction to his innoculation and therefore i have to get him off to the dr. and after that i have to get off to school. and here is the weirdest part of this all, im glad for this normalcy. this is a breather for me to have so few things to worry about. it gives me some breathing room.....

further to this am, I just found out my best friend lost her grandfather last night. I knew him when I was a child and he was an amazing man that i held great respect for. so as i write this I sit here in tears and ask that you would pray for my g/f as she and her family grieve this loss

I wish

I Wish

Starlight starbright
First star ive seen tonight
I wish i may
I wish i might
Have this wish tonight

I wish for good
For those i love
I wish for hope
And warmth and hugs

I wish for joy
Unending praise
To touch their lips
Their voices raised

I wish for safety
And rest tonight
Til morning wakes
Their hearts alight

I wish for riches
Of heavenly kind
I wish for peace
That boggles the mind

Starlight starbright
First star ive seen tonight
I wish i may
I wish i might
Have this wish i wish tonight

really?

scrutiny
refutes
authenticity

jealosy
inhibits
potentiality

misery
curtails
destiny

agony
defeats
ecstasy

time of favour

Ok let's face it. for those of you who know me, my life has not been easy. in fact not be easy would be fun. i have some family members and amongst the two of us, we joke (half-heartedly mind you) that we have walked the road to hell and back and we know evil. but depsite that here we are, alive and kicking. now i have been alive and kicking for a long time (longer than I want to admit) and to be honest for the most part i have not liked it. and in the more recent past, i walked through my wilderness. it was lonely, it was empty and i learned a lot. and here i am out the other side.

being in true form as God is, He was there in my wilderness experience. i didnt see it then, but hindsight is 20/20 right? looking back i certainly see His hand now and i will not deny that although it didnt feel like it, He was there and orchestrating events. in His orchestration of the events, i cried out, i pursued and when it felt like i was talking to the air that oh so swiftly swept my words away into the unseen and the unheard, i still pursued and pushed on. the result?

well, it appears that God is looking on me in favour right now. i got some news not 20 minutes ago. not pleasant news to be sure, disappointing in fact, but you know what? my paradigm on how i see these things has changed. previously, i would be upset, perhaps rant and rave. now i find an upside and trust his design. i dont know why this had to happen, but there is a ray of sunshine in it all. and so i remind myself of that ray of sunshine and rest. look for the blessing in the decision and not the curse

and thats just one instance. many things have been happening that point to the fruition of some dreams that i have held dear to my heart for a long long time. in fact i have had a longing to songwrite and sing, i wrote my first worship song. again another small example of my time of favour. and the odd thing is, im not striving. things are dropping in my lap. therefore i know it is not of me and therefore my heart can rest and i can say my God is good to me

i took a step back today, stepped outside of myself and reflected. "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to decieve" (Sighs, how i do love shakespeare,, ah but I digress)

thats a powerful statement that encomapsses our society today. we are all each and every one of us guilty of deception. it takes many forms, self-decpetion and deception to those around us. im not talking about lying to our family and friends. this goes way further. out of fear we are deceptive to ourselves and each other about ourselves. let me explain. each and every one of us hides ourselves. some call it masks, some call it social veneers, and yet we all do it. we all hide ourselved form each other and many times even from ourelves. we wear our masks and hide our true nature.

oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practce to deceive.

how many of us are real? to others? to ourselves? so many times we hide. oftentimes we have grown up in circumstances that causes us to believe lies about ourselves, or causes us to make vows in order to protect ourselves, all tangled webs they are and as we continue to persist in these webs they become more and more entanlged. along the way we decieve ourselves and we decieve others. some of it is concious much of it is unconcious patterns we get caught in.

and yet the result is nothing but less than beneficial

oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to decieve

and yet our hearts, our minds, our souls and our spirits cry out for something more!!! but in order to safeguard our heart, our tender tender hearts, we continue to decieve, ourselves and those around us about who we are down inside. so many names it goes by: lies, masks, webs, social veneers....and yet

what if it COULD be different? we all long for it. just check tonights tv guide and count the reality shows. we long for truth, we long for reality and yet no one is willing ot go there although it burns in our hearts

so what is the key? AUTHENTICITY

the longing that we have inside of us for connetion, for realtiy for tangible relationships that mean something could be brought to bear if we could be authentic about who we are. if we could be real aobut who we are. if we could be honest and love who we are. but we choose deciet for fear of judgmenet. we all long for the same thing and in our attempts to `be`that thing that would make us feel worthy of being loved, we lose ourselves in our deciet

oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to decieve

lest we forget, it behooves us well, to be mindul of this please
authenticity is the key

I love

I love

I love
Holding close
Hand in hand
Though we can’t see what life’s planned

I love
When you laugh
When you cry
When you hold me close so you won’t die

I love
In your joy
In your sorrow
When you simply cannot see tomorrow

I love
As you fly
As you fall
When I see you rise above it all

I love
When we’re near
Or far apart
I’ll always hold you in my heart

I love
When I knew
We might not be
And you might not give me what I need

I love
If what we have
Was for a time
In these moments you were mine

I love
And nothing can diminish
Or keep my heart from you
If at the end we say goodbye, still
I love

To You

To You

Ch
My heart belongs to me
I’ll rise and I’ll be free
My spirit will dance on
I hear unsung song

V1
To you who chose
To rip my heart
String from string
Part from part

V2
You won’t prevail
And win this round
You won’t succeed
My strength abounds

Ch

V3
Although I hurt
I will not die
My heart will heal
I’ll soar I'll fly

V4
And so to you
I say goodbye
Our time is done
We can’t deny

Br
We laughed, we cried
You touched life
But joy and sorrow
Leaves no tomorrow

untitled

Its my intelligence, oh Lord
That leads me to believe
The wisdom that you gave to me
Causes my heart to receive
X2

In all your perfect wisdom
You gave me eyes to see
Beauty that confounds the soul
But it’s not like that for me

For....I’ve seen the horrors of this world
I know the pain therein
But I see beauty in the ashes
And it stirs my heart to sing

For in the depths of your design
Are mysteries untold
For those who seek to hear your voiceT
here are answers to behold

The world searches for the answers
To mysteries that confound
But for those that rest at your feet
Understanding does abound

Bridge:
Through intelligence I see
The truth revealed to me
For I looked past the surface view
The truth has set me free

competition...like it or not?

Im sitting here sick as a dog and so my mind is pretty useless and so I am listneing to two of my children. They are outside, one is drinking their drink and hte other is yelling "chug chug chug chug chug...." and I began to think on this. At first as I was listening ti struck me that that is such a weird game but on second thought, why on earth are they doing that? then I began to think of where learned it (school obviously) and i began to ponder that. why do kids think that they have to be that way? what is it that makes us so competitive with each other? why can't we accept ourselves and each other for who we are without always having to compete to prove that we are the best? i knwo that God wouldnt desire us to be so unsure of ourselves that we dismiss others and put them down in order to put oursleves up? is there something so inherently wrong with us taht we cannot accept us as we are? who put this in us?

spread of protection

so i was driving today and I wanted to switch lanes, I checked the mirror and shoulder checked saw that all was clear and proceeded to change lanes. Some yahoo on a bike who I had been watching riding like a moron earlier came out of nowhere and i nearly hit him and his girl. Its a miracle i didnt killso that begged the question, I am a child of hte King and I stand under His procteciton and that has saved my skin a number of times. So waht I am wondering is this, in that I am royal and protected, how far does that spread to thos around me, do those who's lives i touch and who's lives touch mine, fall under the by product of this? Are they protected when they are around me simply because I am? How far does the protection that I am guaranteed spread? Any thoughts?

pondering and growing

So I know i must be growing cuz im pondering and when i ponder I tend to grow. so here's the latest. i have been reflecting on life and my life specifically and I was remembering things that I said to my father predominately and how it infuriated him. And yet there was no reason for his infuriation. I remember moments of self refleciton that were perhaps wise beyond my years and his ensuing fury at that. It made no sense til this A-HA moment. I wonder if my self reflection perhaps made my dad feel inferior. I wonder if in light of the things that I was sharing with him about my insights into myself made him feel dumb. but that stems from his own lack of self esteem and if thats the case........wow.......if ppl dont want to or are scared to heal for themselves then do it for those around you as our self esteem issues can cause others so much damage. we act out of our wounding and yet here is a prime example of that........ouch!

Accolades go out to

I was driving in to school today thinking over things as I often do when I drive. I was reflecting on this overwhelming feeling being alone. It's something that I have often felt through my life, especially in regards to female friends. As I was reflecting God prompted me to check again..."Uh....Kristie? You might want to check in with me about that" "Um ok God but you know what life has been like for me, nary do i have a female friend to turn to." "Kristie, try again lets break this down and start listing." "Ok sure God" (I was starting to feel somewhat vindicated knowing I would be right!) So here's my list:

G/F no. 1_ I have known you since grade four and you have never failed me. Months sometimes years have gone by when we have not spoken tho you only live 30 min away form me. You have seen me grow nad seen me through so many crisis from the birth of my first son as an unwed mother to the divorce proceedings from my ex and you have always been one I could count on to check my thinking and portary an alternate perspective. Girl, I love you more than I can really express.

G/f no. 2- Although we have known each other since high school, we have really only connected in the last number of years. You are truly an ispiration for me of the type of woman that I strive to be. You have overcome so much in this last month, so many losses and trials and yet your heart refuses to harbour bitterness or resentment to God and the minute you hear that precious little ones need care you open your door and your heart wide. How I wish that I could be half the woman that you already are let alone who you are still growing into. Words fail me...........

G/f no 3- You have come into my life in the more recent years. You have been teh constant source of reality check and yet at the same time you have furied along wiht me about things. You have been there for me to cry with and laugh with. You are one of my biggest cheerleaders and you stand with me and pastor me as I reach my destiny. I have the pleasure of knowing you and working for you and being pastored by and the greatest of these is i can call you my friend.

G/f no 4- Wow the connection that we have in our thinking and in our creativity does blow my mind at times. You have opened my mind to so many possibilites that I dare only hoped for before. You are truly someone worth knowing and you have my fullest admiration to determine what you have cm hosen to do....the MA and PhD despite the complications that trail you. And yet you continually press on toward the goal in the most authentic way that I have ever seen. I hope to be able to come to that point of authenticity that you exude. it pours out of you and challenges me to grow. I am so excited to be on this journey with you....

So accolades go out to all of you. the end of my conversation with God went like this:"So Kriste.... no one?" Very sheepishly I respond "Um well I guess there are a few..." "Kristie, I have given these gifts to you, enjoy and treasure them....adn above all remember: you have girlfriends, they can be yoru family, and always, always, you have me...."

Now this goes out to 6 women, who I became connected to in a way that words fail me, in the course of an 11 hour space. You 6 saw me at some of my worst and you loved on me and accepted me. You CHOSE to stand with me and love on me through the worst of everything. The gift you have given me, words cannot describe. You CHOSE me and by that very choice you said so much to me its astounding the change that is occurring in me as a result of your love and your choice. Words fail me.So as a token of what I feel for you I wrote this for you although it will not do you justice

You Catch my Tears

Ch
You catch my tears oh you catch my tears
Hold my hand, allay my fears
You catch my tears oh you catch my tears
Hold my hand, our hearts draw near

V 1
Life has been a lonely journey
Without a pillar to lean on
Each step I took was done alone
No source of strength from which to draw

V2
To fight the trials of this world
Took strength and courage, yet I had none
Instead of freedom for my life
I was unrav’lling and undone

Ch
You catch my tears oh you catch my tears
Hold my hand, allay my fears
You catch my tears oh you catch my tears
Hold my hand, our hearts draw near

V3
Life threw a curve, turned upside down
Sweet soft miracles were found
The web of lies, the snakey trails
Were no match, became unbound

V4
Through ministering hands and hearts
Of ten devoted precious lives
Seclusion halts and lives no more
While joy and love begin to thrive

Bridge
For without you in my life
Horizons looked dark and bleak
You’ve chosen to stand by me
And watch me crest the mountain peak

resiliany

As I was driving in to school today, my thoughts turned to resiliancy. My son has sustained a buckle fracture in his arm which is something that only children can sustain. As we grow our bones fuse together in such a way that makes a buckle fracture impossible. And from what I understand, if there has to be an injury a buckle fracture is better than a break and the time to heal is decreased. therefore tne injury that sustained a buckle fracture in a child would cause a break in an adult. This turned my thoughts to the soft spot in a babys head which exists to allow for passage through the brith canal and fuses together afterward. again the resiliancy of our design and which allows for the adaption of our bodies to waht we need.which led me to think on the resiliancy of the human spirit. I know so many of us right now that are struggling and coming to the end of what we think our limits are. And yet, we wake up the next day adn take that next step. So many times we think we have reached our end and we find we have a bit more. so what does that? where do we get this ability to carry on carrying on. when we think we have no strength left and want to lay down and die, where to we find that next bit of strength? how do we do it?The resiliancy of the human spirit astounds me

how are you

"how are you" you ask
do you really want to know?
for I would love to tell
the secret buried in my soul

yet somehow i seem to think
thats its idle why you aska
nd that gives me the answer'
to stay and hide behind the mask

for if I were to show yout
he scars that bleed deep red
then surely you would shudder
cuz even angels fear to tread

"how are you?" you ask
Im fine thanks, how are you
lets live this cute facade
and save you from the truth

Cautiously I venture forth
Into the shadowlands of darkI
know not where to look or turn
But it brings comfort to my heart.

Standing on the outside
It looks cold and dark and grim
You'll find it worth the cost it steals
As they beckon you "Come in"

Chorus

The enticing lure it represents
Is screaming out my name
I'm desperate so I follow on
Despite the anguish and the pain

And yet somewhere deep inside
I hear a voice, "Believe it not!"
It begins to cast some doubt
Into this world that I was brought

Chorus

Despite what I do to silence
The call from deep within
I find that it just won't let go
But still I venture in.

But see, I find I'm paralyzed
By an all encompassing fear
I look around the Shadowlands
And find that barren souls live here.

Chorus:
In the deepening dark of Shadowlands
Illusion is the game
The interplay of dark and light
Quietly stakes it claim…….on you

lifeblood

Hauntingly beautiful
The pain that I see
In your life, in your eyes
The unspoken plea

Though your heart feels no more
Your eyes bleed deep red
For the angst in your soul
Each tear that you shed

Yet on your horizon
Beckoning to you
A lifeblood that stirs
Its long overdue

I stand in the shadow
And watch it unfurl
Passion and freedom
From one golden pearl

Still I stand transfixed
The pain I hold dear
For that’s all that is left me
From whence I was near

back again

and so my friend
your back
inconvenient time

without a call
set to brawl
you sneak in and claim your due

your energy
crawls and creeps
clawing from within

one more time
you begin to whine
make your presence known

but this time my friend
you will not win
its the beginning of the end

Oh sweet release

restless
energy
courses through my veins

itches
scratches
the underside of skin

screaming c
rying
unlock my prison cell

begging
whimpering
for silent sweet relief

nowhere
anywhere
can relief be found

restless
energy
courses through my veins

I Could Have

could have loved you wellhad you given half a chancebut you turned away, chose to play and now the game's mismatchedi could have been the onewho walked you down the roadbut you chose the dark, killed the spark and now coal's left for deadi could have seen you throughthe darkenss that you lovedbut you laughed aloud, stayed too proud, twill be your death thereofparting is sweet sorrowits said with tongue in cheekwhat was in your eyes, became hell's lies, and you are left to weepfor though you tried to beat me downi rise above it all i sit and watch, strike not one blowbut watch you take your fall

death becomes us

Currently as I sit here, many of my friends are facing death themselves or death of loved ones through teh dreadede C-wors. Something that had never touched my life has been touching it left right and centre albeit somewhat distanced. I read their stories, i feel their struggle, my heart breaks at their pain and I know that in my heart of hearts I couldnt do it. I couldnt sit and face death, not yet. A girlfriend of mine, faced it herslef, she is a woman that I esteem. As part of her journey, she took some family portraits. I sat and stared at the beauty exhibited in these pictures and I cried. I put myself in her place, knowing the value of those precious fleeting moments that she captured while cancer rocked her world and that of her children and I know that I could never be that brave. As much as I would want to capture the fleeting moments of my life wiht my children I know that I would sob unconsoleably at the thought of saying good bye. I couldnt do it, I am not that strong and accolades my dear friend JS for what you have undergone. You are a pillar of strength infused iwht grace and you have walked this journey well my beloved friend. which brings me to my next pt. oddly enough I sit here with something akin to survivor guilt. I have some good things going on in my life.........finally..........but I fell guilty, how can i enjoy these things, how can i take pleasure in them, knowing what I know, watching the lives of those close to me be affected by death. what earthly right do I have, to rejoice when my beloved friends are cuaght in the depths of despair. how can i be joyful, happy when my dear friends are facing hell..... what is the purpose behind this, what is hte meaning. Is the joy we crave out of earthly things so fleeitng that the mere thought of my loved ones facing death causes it to come crashing down? When so mnay suffer, those I know and those I don't, with so much pain and horror and suffering inflicted on others do i have a right to discover joy in th small things in my life, do i have permission to take joy out of my dreams when the dreams of others is turning into a nightmare. where and why and how....?????what is the purpose..........

and the mask becomes the face

so if we do end up with a variety of masks, which mask becomes our face and what dictates which mask we choose? do we simply choose based on our audience? if so then do we ever truly wear our face?

a face or a mask?

so my last post begs the question, are the many faces that we wear simply a mask with which we hide our true self? Are we so detestable to ourselves that we will do anything and be anyone in order to gain some small measure of acceptance from an audience that like us is forced to choose between the masks and own one as their face?

the many faces of me

today i discovered there are many faces to me, the question remains, though, which face do i adhere to, which face do i hold my identity in, can i find my identity in one face or can I combine and take facets of all of them. i find that there are pieces that I like of each of my faces and yet which what owns me if any? must i even choose or may i sit and dance the dance of discovering who i really am inside. scary prospect to sit down and see myself without the cover of my many faces.........

Jamie saves MayDay

So here's the story: for the last month royal party (of which Missy is a Mayday princess) has been practicing in an arena where tonight's ceremonies took place as opposed to in a small room where they started. I have been attending each practice with Jamie aned Jeff and in tow. So Jamie....being Jamie watches and learns all the dances and dances it in the bleachers. THey have boys in the royal party and they are called Lancers and they are in the same grades as the Princesses. Well one of the lancers has not been to many of the practices and has left one of the princesses stranded. This morning was a three hour practice and lo and behold he wasn't there. The dance leader said that his parents phoned he was out sick this morning but would be here this evening. So the morning rolls on and evening comes and we all set out to the dinner. Dinner started at 5:15. Six o'clock rolls by, my boys are with their dad and I am with Missy and her g/f at the dinner. The dance leader approaches me. That Lancer couldnt come and what are the possiblilties that Jamie (age 7) could dance in his place. I phone his dad, Jamie is with the g/f so I phone her and talk to Jamie. Sure enough, he squeals Ì get to dance tonight`and I tell the g/f that I am on my way to pick Jamie up. We whip through the Bay and grab a white dress shirt and black dress pants and rush back to the arena. I quickly change him, we put his vest and tie on adn cinch it up at the back and head out to the remainder of the dinner. They go through the announcements, the Mayor anouncing it all and he calls Jamie up and explains to the parents and councillors what had happened. The thing is, Jamie is so littel that no one can see him behind the podium and so the Mayor lifts Jamie up for everyone to see. So its time for the ceremonies. Jamie takes the place and walks a flower girl (his age) out and brings her to his chair and takes his seat. He then waits and the call the Princesses and Lancers up to dance and Jamie gets in his line. Everyone by now is wondering why there is a 7 year old as a Lancer when all the other Lancers are 10 and up. The size difference is noticeable. The dance starts and Jamie is on. The boy doesn't miss a beat, knows every move and brings it home. As a result, Jamie is now part of this year's Royal Party, is getting his certificate and all the goodies and will be riding in the float on May 9th. Jamie an honourary Lancer saved May Day

I have been reading an update on a friends father who is battling cancer and some thoughts came to mind. The wonders of medical world. We are very fortunate to live in a world where our physical ailments can be healed via medicine and if that fails through surgery. Not don`t misunderstand me, we do not have the cure for every disease out there but if we check back 100 years we are truly blessed to live in this time. We here in North America have clean air and clean water and a host of medical interventions at our disposal. We truly our fortunate to have these things at our disposal to heal our physical wounds.But what about our emotional wounds, what 'medicine' do we have for that? What about those painful diseases that we experienced. What 'medicine' is there for them, if any? And how come it is not readily at our disposal as is our medical interventions? Do these wounds, these diseases not count quite as much? Is it because they live in our hearts and souls and therfore hidden? if no one sees them do they not count? I am in quite an interesting position.....I am in a community that strives to develop and practice heart medicine, we strive to heal those inner emotional wounds. Yet is a difficult venture as for most even the admittance of it is shameful and therefore it gets left, until we have a full blown disease on our hands. So many pursue happiness and yet feel shameful that they may have emotional wounds. Based on that shame, many do not seek treatment until the wound is into a full blown disease requiring drastic surgery. Why the hesitancy in seeking medicine for those wounds, for they matter jsut as much and form my perpsective, more as they fester and will lead to a slow torturous death of the heart and soul.And now why this is such an interesting position for me....I too suffer from some of those emotional wounds and so I experience that shame that says I am less of a person if I don't have it all together, that shame that holds my tongue so I don't look weak, for emotional weakness, unlike physical weakness is something akin to horror. And so although I strive to be a healer, I know the depths of being a patient. I struggle with seeking the medicine to my emotional wounds, in part because I do not know what that looks like and it is costly, maybe not moentarily but it is costly to obtain the emotional medicine. It's not quite as simple as swallowing a pill, or hooking myself up to a machine that can heal me for when dealing with the emotional wounding I am the patient and in part the healer at the same time. Whereas, in the physical medical community, I take myself TO a doctor and he prescribes the medicine I need, in the emotional world it is something quite different. I, as the patient, can only seek someone to walk along side me that might be able to give me some skills to alleviate some of the symptoms but I have to be the doctor too as only i can do the work within myself that is required to heal. There is not magical pill for me to swallow to alleviate the pain of the emotional wounds that I suffer from.Quite a situation and therefore kudos to one and all who seek out the heart medicine that they need....

Women.....know who you are!

By the time the Lord made woman,He was into his sixth day of working overtime.An angel appeared and said,"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,have over 200 movable parts, all replaceableand able to run on diet coke and leftovers,have a lap that can hold four children at one time,have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everythingwith only two hands."The angel was astounded at the requirements."Only two hands!? No way!And that's just on the standard model?That's too much work for one day.Wait until tomorrow to finish.""But I won't, " the Lord protested."I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.She already heals herself when she is sickAND can work 18 hour days."The angel moved closer and touched the woman."But you have made her so soft, Lord.""She is soft," the Lord agreed,"but I have also made her tough.You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.""Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.The Lord replied,"Not only will she be able to think,she will be able to reason and negotiate."The angel then noticed something,and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek."Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.""That's not a leak,"the Lord corrected,"that's a tear!""What's the tear for?" the angel asked.The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,her loneliness, her grief and her pride."The angel was impressed."You are a genius, Lord.You thought of everything!Woman is truly amazing."And she is!Women have strengths that amaze men.They bear hardships and they carry burdens,but they hold happiness,love and joy.They smile when they want to scream.They sing when they want to cry.They cry when they are happyand laugh when they are nervous.They fight for what they believe in.They stand up to injustice.They don't take "no" for an answerwhen they believe there is a better solution.They go without so their family can have.They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.They love unconditionally.They cry when their children exceland cheer when their friends get awards.They are happy when they hear abouta birth or a wedding.Their hearts break when a friend dies.They grieve at the loss of a family member ,yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.They know that a hug and a kisscan heal a broken heart.Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail youto show how much they care about you.The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.They bring joy, hope and love.They have compassion and ideals.They give moral support to their family and friends.Women have vital things to say and everything to give HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

My Christmas Wishes

Wow...I am sitting here amongst the snowfall that we don't get often enough and looking back and thinking ahead. Looking way way back butnot daring to look too far ahead. Its been quite a rough life for me with many struggles, many trials and hopefully just there will be just as many triumphs.Things I had never thought would happen to me, have. I'm sitting here in 2008 on the brink of 2009 without a clue as to where life will take me. Most people have an idea, what some of the future holds for them whereas I still feel like I am in limbo. As I look back this is what I see....Jeffrey: My son who is 14 in March and graduate from grade 8 is as tall as me. The biggest pull on my heart. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and struggles far too much and yet when I catch a glimpse of that smile that charms people, I know that my boy is still living somewhere in there....he just needs to hide out for a bit more. He has suffered much my precious son, from nearly dying as a babe, to having his family torn apart, to being bullied at school. He is full of confusion and struggles. My wish for him this year would be peace beyond measure and a turning away from rebelling as he struggles to make sense of his world.Melissa: More affectionately Missy. My 11 yr old daughter on the brink of becoming a woman and trust me the hormones are a kickingi in. There are huge holes in the heart of this my baby girl. Her Christmas wish was two fold to be loved and for the boys to be nice to her. That broke my heart and yet I am at a loss as to how to pour into this beautiful little girl. The doctor's think she was a twin. As I look at her now, she seems filled with a sense of loss and she always has been at a loss. I have to wonder if the twinship plays a part in that. My beautiful daughter wiht a heart of gold taht would see no harm come to a soul. My wish for her is that her heart heals. That she is overwhelmed by such love that her heart is at rest. That she knows beyonod measure that she is a princess.Jamie: My little man Jamie. What a beautiful boy he is expereincing the joys of grade 1 at almost 7 years old. He is my little man yet always ready to come to mama for a snuggle and a love. His heart is open to so much of what the world has to offer. It's a beautful thing to see. He is such a joy for me my little Jamie as he lives his lief with such a zest that it leaves me wishing for just a tiny part of his energy. My little actor full of drama and mischeif and comedy. He keeps a smile on my face that boy of mine. My wish for him would be complete healing from the wounds that his tender heart has already had to suffer. That and that his heart would always be open.Mom: Well so much has come through my life. Dreams coming true and yet other dreams still a mere wish but fading soon to the shelf as lost dreams. My life has certainly not turned otu as I had expected. I did not see myself as a single parent fo 3. Rahter I saw myself as a married parent with a man that adored me and having at least 1 more child. Yet it has been 2 1/2 years since my split with no sign of that dream coming to fruition. Maybe its time to give that one up. Thats a hard thing to contemplate in that, that is the dream i hold closest to my heart.And yet so many other dreams that I did not think I would ever live to see. Does all dreams come true at the cost of another? So these last few years have seen me separate from my husband. The death of a dream of a family and more children. After that I went back to university and completed my undergrad degree. That was an accomlishment tinged with sadness as I wished to have someone in my life to share it with. I have since sold our family home and moved into a house for me and my children to make a fresh start as a family. It surprised me how hard that was, how hard that was to actually close the door on that part of my life. The final day I packed up and I wept, for the lost of a dream and for so much of my life that I had to close the door on. Thankfully, I had a dear friend with me that day who held me while I grieved. Thank you! And this Septemeber I enetered into the MA program at TWU. Another dream I did not dare to think would come true. And yet I am living it. As I sit across from my client's in my practicum I am actually living a dream, to hold people's heart for awhile, to honor their suffereing and to walk awhile with them.And so I look back at the dreams that came with a cost, nto daring to even hope for what the future will hold. Our lives have been tumultuous at best. There has been much suffering that me and my children have bourne. And yet we still are here alive and kicking. This Christmas as I look around my home, I ponder. I know what it is to lose, I have lost nearly everything. The one thing I have left that I have not lost are my three precious precious children. Everything else that one looks at and takes for granted I have lost. And so, as this Christmas season comes upon us, I know that the thing that matters most in my life my babies are here wiht me. I will be holding them extra tightly this year and I will be loving them more and more and harder and harder for I cannot afford to lose them and they need to know they matter.So my Christmas wish? That I could spend more time with them, that I could speak softer to them, that I could hold them more tenderly, that I could take away their pain and suffering and give them a joy and peace that nothing could shake. I wish I could heal their little hearts and souls, then and only then will I think that i have done enough, that I have been their mother.