Dream

If I could dream
I'd dream to make
A wish upon a star
If I could dream
I'd dream to know
Exactly where you are

But I don't know
Where dreams come from
If wishes do come true
All I know
Is here I am
Loving only you

If I could dream
I'd dream to see
My fairytale come true
If I could dream
I'd dream to find
My princely knight is you

But I don't know
If fairytales
Really do exist
All I know
Is here I am
Waiting for your kiss

If I could dream
I'd dream to see
The gold at rainbow's end
If I could dream
I'd dream to meet
My lover and my friend

But I don't know
If there is gold
Or rainbow's in my sight
All I know
Is here I am
For you I'd stand and fight

If I could dream (If I could dream)
Then I would dream (Then I would dream)
Of you (fade)

k I'm ranting

Alright, here is my fair warning. And if you are male and reading this, it likely doesn't apply to you. But I would like to state once and for all, that I too am human, I too bleed red and cry real tears. So to all of you males who like to jerk me around I would like to thank you. Thank you for causing me stress, thank you for playing with my heart like it's your personal toy (try to keep in mind that it does belong to me), thank you for showing me one thing and turning around and doing another, thank you for treating me with less dignity and respect than you show a dog, thank you for never considering how your actions affect me and thank you for simply not caring.

All those aforementioned gifts you gave me have affected me in such a profound way. In fact, those gifts keep on giving because as a result of your gifts, I keep experiencing stress, concern, worry, heartache, sorrow, grief, pain, sadness, and headaches. These gifts keep on giving to me and for that I am truly thankful.

So again, thank you for not remembering I am a person too.

powerlessness

So, I have been contmeplating powerlessness as of late and its root, and the ability to overcome it. I have met a few interesting perspectives. I sit here today and I ponder the varying thoughts. I ran into an old classmate and have caught up on his life and I must say I sit in something of awe as I think on his story. He has been down some hard roads, he has hit rock bottom and yet despite his own struggle with powerlessness, he has managed to find the inner strength to crawl out. Somehow, somewhere he found his own power deep within to fight his demons and come out on top and it begs the question....how is it that some of us can manage to do so and can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and others cannot?

I sit and I compare his ability and my own, and I have trouble understanding how he managed to do so and I cannot do the same? Is it a matter of when we lost our personal power? I lost mine as a wee child. Does that then make it harder to unlearn? Does it make it harder to regain personal power if it is lost at such a tender age? is it a matter of persoanlity? I do wonder though why it becomes so hard for me and yet appears so easy for others. Maybe thats the answer....maybe its appearances.....maybe what appears to be going on isn't....maybe I'm not seeing as clearly as I thought....maybe I am not fully appreciating the struggle of another.

So many questions, and yet no answers....

I sat in awe....

So I went into work today. I taught two classes. The one I want to refer to is my Jollyjumpers (baby) class. We had low attendance today, that's what happens in the summer and that's ok. This gave me time to focus more on each child. I was given the rare opportunity to observe each child specifically and learn about them. My class is mixed ethicities, I teach caucasians, aisian, east indians, all different races. Today's class allowed me to glimpse into different lives and here's what I saw:

-all mothers live their babies
-all babies love their mamas
-each mother their parented her child in a very similar manner and the underlying commonality was? ......they all love their babies and are striving to give them the best in the best way possible
-all the babies responded the same to attention, they smile, they coo, they giggle, they clap
-all the babies love to interact with adults
-all the babies love praise and attention and will seek it
-the babies all loved to explore
-they all check in with mom, they all feel safe there with mom
-they all smile
-they all cry

we as humanity all share common things despite the color of the skin we wear. It's interesting, so many people define themselves by the color of their skin but bottom line.......it's simply something we wear just like you wear a blue shirt and i wear a green one. Underneath our skin that we wear, we all have bones, muscles, tissue, cartilege, veins, arteries, organs, hearts and we all bleed red.

Today however, gave me the unique opportunity to see differences in the babies as well. I have some quiet ones who like to watch, I have one who is built broadly. As I watched him today, the term bruiser came to mind, not that he is a bully not in the least, he just is a broader, stockier boy. What I found wonderful with this little one is his tender heart and the way he loves to cuddle his mama. One babe in my class doesn't stop smiling. The joy exudes from his entire being, it's lovely to see. And yet I have one precious little girl, who rarely cast me a smile. And yet when she did, it was a wonder to behold today. I have another babe, who again takes his time to smile and yet still loves to interact, the joy is just not as readily displayed. That doesn't mean it isn't there cuz it is.

Today, I sat in awe and in wonder during my class and the beauty that I was fortunate enough to be surrounded with. It's a pleasure for me to go to work, and it's an honor for these parents to share with me, their most precious treasure, their babies.

Thank you.

things that make you go hmm

Today seemed to be a night of experiencing a bit of grief. I was out with my church and we are blessed enough to be on grounds taht allow us to have campfires the odd time. So tonight we sat around the campfire and worshipped for two hours. The worship was good for my soul. The kids were with me and they bounded around the campfire, putting sticks in and stirring the fire. And then as my son and daughter bounced away, I was filled with such grief watching them, knowing everything that I have denied them from my choice to split. talk about a smack in the face for this mom. They may never know campfires and hunting for marshmallow sticks and hunting out wood for the campfire, and tenting it in the rain. Stupid thing is? when I was married we had all that. and i lost it

Forgiveness

Well, last night a new facet of forgiveness was revealed to me. I ended up reconnecting with an elementary schoolmate. We went our to catch up last night. However, this schoolmate was atrocious to me. He was merciless in his teasing and hounding me. And it really was somewhat unexplainable because there seemed to be nothing that I did to deserve it except be alive. I was the quiet girl who had her couple of friends and I stuck with them or kept to myself. I wasn['t obbnoxious in class, I wasn't specifically targeted. And that was where my friend has carried his guilt. This guy used humour, good or bad as his safe spot and way to be accepted, and he would feed of people. So the more people reacted either the victim negatively of those around positively, it would egg him on. And that's where it was weird. I never reacted to him in the moment, just took it, didnt fight and cried at home. But he persisted and he tormented me.

So many, many years later, we meet. The last time I saw him I was 12. We sat and we chatted and we laughed and joked and then he stopped. And with all seriouness, apologized again and asked for my forgiveness for his actions. Now I know that forgiveness is a lot about me an dthe state of my heart na dit i sa lot about bringing freedom to me so taht I do not live in bitterness, anger and resentment. And on that basis, I have conciously made the choice to forgive many people for many things. It still hurts at times, I'm not going to lie but it is by far the better course to go.

However, last night I was privileged enough to be able to witness the power of my forgiveness on the life of one who was and is truly repentant. I was given the rare treat and privilege to see the freedom that my choice to forgive brought to this life, i was privileged to see the impact my forgiveness had on the life of another.

Further up and further in

so the update continues.....
as per my experience this weekend. Saturday during our training part of what we were attempting is listening to God to hear what blessing he has for people and hten putting it into words that are not Christian-ese. So I got prophesied over and I think I have the understanding of some of the words but others I will be pressing in for. I got 5 diff ones:

1) God sees me as a gold ink pot. not one of the cheap kind that break and crack and need fixing and refilling but as a gold one that doesn't run out.

2) a picture of me pushing glassess further up my nose, as if I am serioulsy goign to focus and concentrate on something. The conversations that God and I have been having, things are going to become clearer and the plans and steps toward those things will be revealed and come into focus.

3) a pic of me doing dishes at a sink and the glory of God was all around me like a halo effect filled with light, excpet for the sink. And it only took one sidelong glance toward Jesus on my part to be captured but God. He is jealous for me and for my time and longs for my attention toward Him.

4) that I have a gift of compassion and that I cry easily and that I find this overwhelming.
(the odd thing about this word. My prayer for this summer was that God would grant me an extra measure of compassion, and on the way to this event, I was having a conversation with God about how I want that but I had no idea it would bring me to tears even more so than I usually am and how I was finding that overwhelming).

5) that I needn't strive so much but rather rest in the joy of the Lord and that more things will be accomplished that way than by my striving. That I am an intercessor and that God's love is all over me.

further up and further in....

Wow

What a crazy God weekend we have been having. In July my church will be going on some treasure hunts and doing some spiritual readings and we will have a healing tent up at the Maple Ridge country fair. It's going to be very cool and I am so excited. So our weekend was full with prep and that sort of thing. Saturday morning Jamie and Missy were involved in a prophetic arts session and then loved it, did some amazing paintings.

Saturday we had a training session for the fair. Jeff my oldest was there but not too interested in participating, however, God had a different plan. Near the end (before we had to go) we were praying for healing and during worship God have a lady a word that someone had a toothache. Well Friday Jeff told me he had a toothache. So I got him from the car and he went up for healing for the tooth. Instantly as they were praying the pain went away and has not reappeared. Additionally, there was another lady there that we did not know who knew that Jeff had been bullied over hte past year at school. And there was a lot of words concerning his ability to advocate for victims of bullying. What none of them knew was this: when Jeff was born, he was given Is 58:12 as his verse which says he will be a repairer of the breach. We looked for a definition of the word breach and part of the definition was this "a severance of friendly emotions." Sound like anything that happens during bullying? So Jeff is pretty stoked now about this whole thing. Additionally, while the two young ones were at the prophetic arts session, Jeff and I went and had coffee with a lady that we met in the parking lot of our church while dropping the young ones off. She also called out that Jeff would be an advocate for bullying. I had talked with him months ago about it....3-fold confirmation, pretty powerful stuff!

Sunday was another whole gamut of happenings. We were at church and the call was for prayer so Jamie said he wanted prayer for an encounter of Jesus's love. So he picked who he wanted prayer from and we went over. And the girl prayed for him and she was done but Jamie wasn't done. She looked at me as she was finished but Jamie was still there head bent, eyes closed and hands opened. So my pastor came over and prayed some more and Jamie likely spent ten minutes with Jesus while we prayed over him. The next thing we know, everyone who was with Jamie looked at their hands and we all had gold dust on our hands. All of our hands were sparkling.

There is more, there are some words that I got given, but I need to run here so more updates to follow.

God is faithful..........

Missy's Song

My daughter has been taking after Mommy and writing songs. This is her first attempt of which i am very proud:

As I open my eyes
I see you and only you
When I open my ears
I hear you and only you

you are my strength and sheild
You're my helmet and hope
your my armour and guardian
your my sword and salvation

I cannot believe you made me
you are the one true God
you are the one true God

So its 12:20 and I am still awake. Not a good thing, but likely the result of the rockstart I drank with dinner. And I got to thinking.......never a good thing at this hour. I recalled a conversation I had earlier today with a dear friend of mine who inspires me daily. She was discussing how brilliant her finace is and how that blows her mind each and every day. On a scale of 1-10 she would consider herself to be an 8 and he and 10 or maybe 11. And we were discussing the benefits and pitfalls of being matched with such an intellectual. Her question was why would he pick me when he is surrounded by brilliant women who are lawyers. Bottom line is she felt she couldn't measure up. My point to her was that there is always someone who has more skill than us and there isnt much use in comparing oursleves to that. Keep in mind, this is a woman who has undergone mental illness and fights it continually, she has not had an easy upbringing nor has she had relationships made in heaven, far be it to be exact. AND she won the SHRC award which is quite a prestigious award based on a 4.0 GPA. She inspires me.

I came home and got to thinking (told you not good), and I did the inevitable comparison and the what if's and the why's. Why aren't I smart like that. Why does what I struggle with beat me. Why don't I have the ability to push through and come out on top. Why why why.....

And then I did a reframe......considering the hell I have lived, I have succeeded. I came from an upbringing that was filled with evil of the vilest kind. I came from a background that was confusing and full of manipulation and lies and deciet. In fact, my therapist sits in awe of me when we meet for what I have been able to accomplish considering my hell. I am a single parent of three beautiful dual exceptional children that have undergone horrific trauma in their young lives. I escaped (by the grace of God) a marriage which would have killed me of that I have no doubt. I went back to school, completed a BA and got accepted into the only MA program I applied for. I did an undergrad thesis and my hypothesis showed statistical significance. I had a horrid first year in the MA program, for those who know the events, and I still succeeded to pull off A's in my grades. I have undergone slander, reputation destruction, career destruction, i constantly face the fear of having my children yanked from me and I cry over them constantly. I have big big dreams, which I believe will come to fruition. I have been told I touch more lives than I am aware. I am not bitter, I am not resentful, I am not full of anger. Do I experience those? Yes, I am human, but I do not sit there, I do not stay there.

I have become more authentic, I have become more vulnerable, i have a softer heart which sits in awe of those around me and I know that I have done none of this of my own accord. The glory certainly does not belong to me.

So am I as brilliant as my g/f? Not likely. Could I be more talented and gifted in many areas? Yup! In fact, I don't even know what my gifts are. But you know what? All this is ok. Because at the end of my day, I can look into three beautiful pairs of eyes knowing I did well by them. I can look my God in the face, knowing I did ok, despite all the things I do wrong, I at least strive to walk honourably and I know that when I look at myself I can rest and know I did ok. and I am ok. and although I am not what I want to be, although I wish I were smarter etc, I am still ok.

For me.........thats amazing

thanks for listening

Always, Forever

Ch
Always and forever
My heart beats just for you
Always and forever
I am in love with you

V1
I woke this morning all alone
For you were not with me
but over morning coffee
I made this discovery

V2
It matters not just what you do
Or what you say to me
For you have taken my whole heart
In your love I’m free

CH

Although our time may cease to love
My heart will remain true
No matter where our paths may go
My love you’ll never lose

V3
Our future sits in silent mute
For nothings guaranteed
Except that i will love you
And that will set you free

Br
Always
You
Forever
Me
Baby baby
Can’t you see

2, 3, 4

Two, three, four

I sat down to write this letter
To say what’s in my heart
I put the pen to paper
But had no where to start
so

CH.
Breathe 2, 3, 4
Sigh, 2, 3, 4
Breathe 2, 3, 4
And cry

The times we sit together
You put your hand in mine
Time stands still, just you and me
Life becomes defined
And

CH.

But this is just our fairytale
Its never guaranteed
I live for just this moment
And hold you close to me
Go

The night robs us of our love
And you’re no longer mine
Ill hate and hurt and love and cry
But i have you for this time
Remember

CH.

Br.
But Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
Que sera sera
so breathe
Still

CH.

Hello. My name is Kristie and I.....

Hi My name is Kristie and I am a senser-feeler aka a burden bearer. Let me explain. I pick up other people's stuff. I sense and feel what other people are struggling with and I carry it as my own. And I don't always know when or how I do this. But I do. It's very useful and it sucks. But it's all in the handling of it. But that first means you have to be aware of it. And that makese it hard. Take for instance my home. I can leave my home and be in a glorious mood. I can have a great day and be full of life and zest but when I return to my home, my mood drastically changes and I get pissy and grumpy and I can get head-achy and just plain miserable. The thing is nothing has caused it that I can tag. So there, I burden beared. My home though right? What is in my home that I would pick up? Well I think there are a few things. My kids also burden bear and so when they come home from their dads, its stuff that they could have picked up there, or it could be residual stuff from the prior tenants. The previous tenant was a prostitute who saw around 20 men a day. Lot of residual crap can remain in this house from her and her clients. Prior to that the house was a grow op. Again, lots of stuff there. At some point, there was someone in here that worked with mental illness, could be stuff there. So theoretically in this house alone there are may opportunities for yuck to be in here that I am picking up.

So I have a few options which I need to become disciplined in doing. And there's the key, at this point, its a discipline, its sacrifice to do any of the things that I know I should do. I have no interest in doing them, I have no desire. I want to lay down and not do.

One of the spiritual principles is that thanksgiving and praise are the gateway. In other words, when we praise and give thanks, it releases something in the kingdom. "But I don't want to!" I know I sound like a kid.....but I don't. It's like i'm frozen in this inability to. And therein lies the sacrifice, my spirit is not oriented to praising right now. I feel low and pissy and grumpy and I plain don't want to. But for there to be a release of blessings and abundance the entrance gate is praise and thanksgiving.

God knows. He understands that as humans we don't always WANT to praise, and that our spirits don't always FEEL like praising. In face, my spirit right now feels very burdened and very heavy and it feels very hard to do. And that is the sacrifice that is honourable and pleasing to
God.

So about the rest of the stuff? About the potentiality that there is residual crap that resides in this house that I pick up on? Praying through the house, annointing the doors and windows and washing off prayers should take care of that. Again, I don't want to, I have no energy to and I just want to lie and waste my day away. I am completely sucked of energy. But I know that if I start with the praise and thanksgiving, the strength for the rest will come. In fact, in talking about praising, there is a small lift in my spirit so now to be disciplined....

My nameis Kristie and I am a burden bearer........

love

I'm starting to wonder if there is a second chance for me. I think I have near given up hope of my knight coming to to steal my heart after fighting off dragons. It seems to me that this, and any ensuing children that my heart so desperately has longed for, is not to be for me. Time to give up the fairytale and reconcile myself to a life alone.

Ponderings on fear

fear is a nasty creature, I remember when I lived under him, he is a subtle liar and he presents his schemes in a sparkling pretty wrapped package to entice you into his clutches. when fear is present we cannot and do not think rationally, we do not see clearly and we do not operate logiccally

i remember one specific time years ago, when I was wracked with fear, I made some very irrational decisions (don't worry no one was harmed or jeapordized in any way). Yet at the time, my choice seeemd utterly logical, healthy even. thank goodness my head cleared and i saw the folly of my ways

a friend of mine is going to a split. His x has made some interesting choices. she's a mom, im a mom. i know the root of her choices is based on fear of what may happen to her kids. so she clamps down on something that appears to be reasonable (remember the pretty and sparklingly wrapped present?) And at first glance this may seem like a reasonable decision. however in her attempt to control, she gave up her control and now is at more risk than she thought she was previously ( the subtle manoeverings).

fear is an interesting animal....

and yet hes a nasty beast, that one........

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I know I keep referencing my year my life etc etc and how hard it is but that's the truth and then when I manage to accomplish things, it astounds me. I was working on thesis last night and a g/f last night popped online and told me our grades for the Spring Semester were up. My response? Oh Dear. And to tell the truth, I dreaded this. I didn't want to check and I have refused checking to see if they were posted. I was scared that I would get booted out of the program because my grades were not up to par. See, I have to maintain a B average minimum and some of these courses have been darn hard and put on top of that, ny year. I have been quite anxious.

So I sucked it up and I checked and its time to celebrate very soon...for you see. I got an A+, an A, and two A-. And then I cried and cried and cried and sat in shock and still sit in shock. I found my brother and told him and guess what? I think I finally have the brother who is protective of me and proud of me, the one that I have wanted since I was a little girl. It doe make me wonder what I would be capable of if I didn't have to struggle all the time.....

And then I did one more thing, I revealed my blog to my brother and sister in law. This is a huge risk for I try to be authentic here and that means he has insight into my heart, which means he has the potential to take this information to the other parts of my family where it will be used against me. Hard thing to do and yet if want the relationship wth my brother should I not be authentic with him? He has a beautiful wife whom I am falling more and more in love with as I get to know her. He picked a good'un (although I think she did the picking here....). Thank you Janice.

And Michelle, my bro loves the blog pic, it reminds him of when I was a little girl, kudos to you and I thought I would pass that on.....