It ain't easy being green.

I mentioned this phrase once to a pastor of mine, it was in reference to myself. Throughout my life, I have often felt....different....out of sorts, out of place. Then as I got older, I started to draw parallels between my life and that of Job... in the Bible Job. I have often said, I did not ask to be a modern day Job for it has often felt like God abandoned me. I have faced the loss of many things, I have lost my family...perhaps not all at once...I don't think that I could have handled more than that. For a time, my father and I did not and my brother did no seem to care for me or acknowledge my existence. When we were little, he was given the chore of walking me and my sister to school and home. He made us walk several feet behind him so as to not be associated with him. Currently, I have my dad back in my life, and I semi have my brother back in my life, but I have lost my mom and my sis. I nearly lost my kids and my friends at the hands of evil. I nearly lost my job again at the hands of evil. I have lost many things and I wonder, how on earth I could keep going.

I can hear the conversation:

Satan: "I want the life of this one (referencing me), she's mine.  I will see her death and she will be mine."

God: "No, whatever you do will spare her life."

Satan: "No, I have fought the lineages for this one. I have had my eye cast on her. I will take and own her life."

God: "No! You may not have her life. Test her as you will. She will remain faithful. But DO NOT take her life."

That's something along the lines of how I imagine this conversation. And that's how it seems. Have I yelled and screamed at God? You bet, for I have often felt that the hand of cards I was dealt is beyond dealing with. I have often felt abandoned in times of need. I have felt that God should have been there but He was not, that He turned a blind eye and deaf ear toward me. I have had all manner of screaming matches and temper tantrums and taking self imposed time outs (read rebellion) from God. And yet, I have always turned back to Him, Why? For the simple fact, that I have stared at evil face on, I have looked deep into its eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that evil is a very real force to be recckoned with. I have also tried it of my own will power and its come to naught and its simply but God's grace that my feeble attempts at "fixing" things did not destroy things more.

However, I am getting tired of this. I long for freedom. I long for breakthrough and I long to live in the full comprehension of my inheritance. For that is my birthright. And so, although tired and battle worn, I will continue to press on. I was having a  conversation with God the other day. I asked for a release of my inheritance? I found my motive to be interesting. There are benefits to be sure. But the motive of my heart was so that I could bring glory to God, so that the glory would be fully His, for as I sit here and write to you, I know that I am only sitting here writing by the grace of God. So as my story unfolds......it is only by the grace of God and solely for his glory.


(But I still maintain.......it ain't easy being green)

Lots going on.....

So its been awhile since I updated last. There has been a lot going on, I had a health scare which we are currently working through, additionally I cannot seem to find a second internship, I got my son's psych-ed report back and of course the recession is hitting me here big time. And those are only the top things, there are also a lot of underlying things going on as well. So life has continued to be crazy and out of control and scary.

What does that mean? It means I react. I cry, I get mad, I get scared I panic and I generally live in a chaotic sense of being stressed out with dooms day images running through my mind.

Once I have my emotional release, I try to be logical and try and solve and then the reality hits me once again as to the hopelessness of it all and I start my panic/fear/anger/anxiety cycle all over again.

So I have tried to stop and do something different. "When you know better, you do better." Right? So I have tried to reset my focus back onto God everytime something happens. I have tried to delve into tons of praise and worship. What does that mean? I find one or two songs and in my  many hours in the car, I will only play those same three songs over and over, for they connect to me in a spiritual manner and bring rest to my spirit. Additionally I have found some podcasts from Bethel church which are really edifying to my spirit so I will soon be cuddling in with coffee and listening to one of those. And I choose to go back to connecting with  my church family although my tendency wants to isolate and shy away.

So I was at church this past Sunday and I asked for prayer and my pastor was praying and got this picture for me.

Whereas I feel like I am running a deadend on a treadmill and constatnly running and getting nowhere, unbeknownst to me, my treadmill is on wheels and God is pushing it along.

So what is the outpouring of this? Today I had a meeting wiht my son's school counsellor regarding his IEP or the potential of one. In discussing with my counsellor Jeff and the things he needs, this counsellor has a heart for my boy. He doesnt' want to simply ensure that Jeff's scholastic needs are met. Jeff wanted to join the fitness club so the counsellor is going to ensure that that happens and that Jeff gets paired with a senior student who will help look out for him and mentor him. Additionally, there is a boys posse that another  counsellor has started up and he is going to try and get Jeff hooked into that. Whether or not the school actually gets resource funding for Jeff, he will have an IEP. I have long since hoped for someone to come along and provide some mentorship for Jeff taht would help ensure Jeff's success.

This counsellor is going ot help me ensure that whatever we can find, we will get for Jeffrey.

And heres the kicker. This was not our school of choice. It wasn't Jeff's either. However, the school we had targeted wouldnt take out of  cachment kids, so here is where we ended up. Was it frustrating? To be sure, but God knew. He knew Jeff needed to be at this school with this counsellor to help ensure his success. So we have an IEP meeting coming up and Jeff is going to be connected and mentored. Just the things I have been searching for for my precious boy.

God was pushing my treadmill.......

Wooing

I looked up the term "to woo:. the online dictionary defines it as

1. to seek the favor, affection or love of....

there are other definitions but I think that this is the one that best fits.

I think I find myself being wooed. There is a gentleman that I know of that has readily admitted to me that he loves me. And I believe that as a result, he is wooing me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that this is something that he set out to do purposefully, I think that based out of his love for me, his actions are such that it entails that I am being wooed.

And I don't know what to do with this. When I was a little girl, as most little girls do, I dreamt of being a princess that would be pursued and courted by her prince. I dreamt of having a prince fall madly in love with me and then court me and woo me to win my love.

Such a little girl fairy tale I know. And then as I got older I got scoffed at and told I was no such thing as  a princess and to drop the princess complex and get such childish notions out of my head. In a manner of speaking, I was told to grow up and get real. Well, for me these were dangerous words, for I was in an abusive marriage. These words told me that that was the best I could hope for and I was to stay there. These words acted somewhat like the keys to a jail cell that turned the lock shut and kept me imprisoned.

So I stayed. And eventually some years later, my marriage did fall apart. Looking back, I see there were things that needed to occur before I could leave. Do I regret staying? at times but I also see what has come out of my staying.....and its ok.

But back to this being wooed and the words that I am NOT a princess to suck it up already (roughly paraphrased).

So this gentleman, unbeknownst to him, started calling me a princess. He didn't know the backstory here. That was quite a shock for I had done a lot of work retraining my thinking, for I was told after all, that I was not a princess and surely everyone else was right, right?

So now this gentleman who has come to love me is calling me a princess. And in fact, he would like to treat me as such. He would like to spoil me, protect me from the dragons of this world, and he would like to ensure my happiness. He would like to solve all my problems and make things easy for me. From the various things he has told me, I come to the conclusion, this man really does love me. And it doesn't appear to be out for selfish gain.

So back to my little girl dream of having someone adore her and love her and court her and woo her.

So part A seems to be here. And I am entirely confused. I find myself not knowing and sitting in this place of being adored by someone but not sure how I feel.

Then I go back ot my picture, I wanted someone to fight for and earn my love.

Back to this gentleman. His actions and his words are such that I find myself turning more and more to him. I find myself wanting to share more and more of my life with him. I find myself wanting to share my dreams and my failures and my fears with him. The best that I can make sense of it is that his actions based out of his love to me, his words, based out of his love to me, seem to be  fighting for and earning my love in return.

Is this then my fairy tale? Am I walking in the midst of my little girl dream of having someone adore her and fight to earn my favor? Am I being wooed?

Interesting......

Freedom Isn't Free

I sat today with my son. He and I both have insanely tender hearts. This year, Remembrance Day has become vitally important to him. He and I sat and watched the ceremonies and we held each other and we cried. Then we watched some videos and we cried some more.

I find that far too often we give Remembrance Day a cursory nod. We may or may not take the minutes of silence before we go about our day. When my x and I were together, there was most definitely not any remembering. In fact, it was simply another day off. Yay! for the day off.

This really bothers me. There should be far more honor given to this day and to those who fought and so humbly I offer this gift;

Our freedom isn’t free
There's a price that’s paid
For you and me
Our freedom isn’t free
A soldier’s lifeblood
Satisfies the currency

“Lest we forget!”
We hear the cry
In front of our tv
We sit in the warmth
Of hearth and home
And watch the ceremony

In Flanders Fields
Our children say
With poppies on their breast
Unbeknownst to them
The cost it takes
As men forever rest

Too often now
We rush the day
With but a cursory nod
Our lives move on
We‘ve things to do
so we wear a solemn facade

The time has come
To stop our lives
For a minute, maybe two
Let’s honor those
Who choose to give
Their lives and blood and souls

strength

So today I saw a client which is a bit abnormal for usually I see clients on Thursdays. Well today I was forutnate enough to witness inner strength. And some things finally came together for me.

Today I saw a client that has undergone untold amounts of trauma. In session I presented this client with a course of action that I thought would be most beneficial in aiding their healing. However, I asked a lot of this client as I laid out our therapeutic journey. I know I asked a lot.

 I am asking this client to step out of their current comfortable coping mechanisms and entertain a new therapeutic method that will not only ease the trauma but give them new coping mechanisms. However, this requires some vulnerability and this requires looking at and facing things that this client would prefer to never face again.

So today I saw this client gather their inner resources and go where no man has gone before.....back into their past to face their story.  I saw this client, inhale deeply, gather their resources and go there. And I was awed as time and time again in our sesssion despite the overwhelming intensity of emotions, despite the exhaustion that continued to mount. This client continually pulled out more and more and fought through deeper and deeper.

As I drove home, my thoughts turned to the inner strength of this client and how despite everything they have already suffered, they continued to pull out more and more, keep going and push through knowing their life and their freedom is at stake.

And I turned inward at this point and reflected on myself. Many many times, especially during this last bit of my scholastic journey, I have often been seen as being strong. That has never made sense to me, never resonated with me. For in my view I did what I had to do.

But perhaps, just maybe....what I saw in my client today, this fight to push through and garner thier freedom, this fight to keep going when pain is too intense, emotions are too overwhelming and exhaustion looms around the corner, perhaps that is what others see. And perhaps that is why they term me strong. Maybe what I saw in my client today, is seen in me. What I saw my client do today, left me in awe and inspired by her strength. Maybe thats what others see in me. This same thing.

Thank you my client of today, for letting me learn from you.

reflection

Some things occurred over the past week which has left me living the past week on tenterhooks. And today I got some news that drastically affects my life. As I sit here digesting the news, I stop and reflect. From receiving the news, I went to pick up Jamie. I held him tighter and hugged him closer today. Missy is still at school and then Jeff came home. And I too held the boy turning man a little tighter and whispered I love you. I sit here typing, reflecting and to be honest with tears threatening to fall. Oops one fell. So I sit and ponder. We often strive for so much in life. I strive to provide my kids with the "things" that other kids have so they won't feel left out for I know how devastating that feeling can be to a child. And yet, when it all boils down to it and I sit here and reflect on this news, material things have taken a backseat. I'm not thinking of those things as I sit here and type and hear my precious 7 year olds voice reading out loud. As I  glance over and see my 14 year old, having done his homework, playing on his computer. I stare out my back door and remember what is important. And it si:

a 7 year olds arms wrapped tight around my neck in a koala cuddle
a 14 year olds voice cracking as he enters manhood.
upturned faces looking for a kiss from mama.
the sparkle of pride in the young eyes of those reaching achievement on homework
the mischevous grin of a 14 year old coaching a 7 year old to do what he wont dare
the little girl voice raging at me for having to practice one more time
the golden hair that the sun trying to peek through glints off  of
the peaceful rhythmic breathing of a child asleep as long lashes brush rosy cheeks
boys giggling at farting
girls squealing at boys giggling at farting

these are just what im currently experiencing in these few moments that I type to you

so...

if you have been so lucky with being loaned the treasure of a little one

despite the frustration that occurs with raising them
despite how they seem to unknowingly know how to push your buttons

hug them a little tighter tonight
hold them closer
cuddle them longer

for you never know if and when you and they may be ripped apart.

It isnt easy parenting children. In fact it is an experience that comes with levels of angst and frustration and anger that is unparalleled. And yet it also comes with unconditional love where once upon a time, you get to feel like that superhero that you dreamed of being when you were a child. For to a child's eyes, you truly are their superhero.

love on them today and thank the Lord for you precious gifts.

ok so....

here's how it goes. today for whatever reason is an emotionally charged day. my lost blog post was written somewhat thoughtlessly and more based on an unjustified emotional response. it was a gut reaction kind of thing. but my gut reaction has hurt a dear close friend of mine with whom i have no desire to hurt. therefore after been contacted by said friend who i found i hurt i decided to delete my last blog and instead post this public apology.

you know who you are and i am going to publicly state here taht I am sorry my thoughtlessness and gut reaction caused you pain. i refuse to name your name for the sake of your privacy. nonetheless you know who you are.

so i want you to know. i offer no excuses or justifications for my actions because the bottom line of it all is that my thoughtlessnes hurt you and that is what matters.

so i am asking for your forgiveness and i deeply regret having hurt you.

Trust

 This is a tough one for me, for more times than I can count trust has been broken in my life. Far too many time with people who should not break it. Which leaves me in a position of trusting many people. And here's the kicker. For some reason, my head holds God responsible. My thinking goes something along the lines of this. Things were out of control. I was too young to stop them. God isnt. He is all  powerful and therefore had the ability to stop damage being inflicted upon me as a child when I could not stop it. And he didn't. It very much feels like He turned a blind eye and a deaf ear. And therefore, I have difficulty trusting him to continue to care for me as things are getting harder and harder without any answers on the horizon. So what does taht boil down to? Trust.

Ok, so I know my theology is wrong here. And I know that God allows all people free will and that leaves people to have the ability to harm others. I get that, on a head level. I struggle with it on a heart level. For the little girl inside me cries out at the unfairness of it all and cannot figure out why things had to happen this way.

So now I am faced with some hard hard things in front of me. And as far as I can see there is no way out. So what must I do? Trust.

And to tell you the truth that leaves me riding a roller coaster. There are times when I am stronger and I can sit and choose to trust. Then there are other times like today, when I feel like I have been blind sided and all I can do for the most part is sit in a depressed mood and cry and worry and fret.

So this journey into trust is certainly wracking its havoc on me. I go back to the promises God gave me and rail at Him to bring those to pass. The phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle" runs through my mind. And yet it feels like this is too much. So what does that come back to?

Trust.

Which is like asking me to move Mt Everest with nothing but my hands.  "But God....."

"Trust, my child"

"But..."

"But trust."

So here i go to figure out how to trust.

random thoughts

scrutiny

defeats

authenticity

jealousy

inhibits

potentiality

misery

curtails

destiny

agony

defeats

ecstasy

Therapeutic hangover

So, I am part of a life restoration group therapy. A couple of times a year we get together for a weekend and have an intense weekend of therapy. Well this weekend was it. In fact, we could only schedule a one day this time and yesterday was it. I am not going to go into the details about what I uncovered but suffice it to say it was a long term belief that is a core belief that I have carried all my life. This group therapy is very gestalt like and does a lot of rage work and practical work. What that means is that we get very demonstrative in our work. We get physical in our work and do hands on, re-enactments, role playing, and scene re-creation. Now in that it was deep seated root work, it was very intense. And to be honest, I don't yet believe that this subject is complete. In fact, I can see me visiting this theme for quite some time.

So today. I slept tons last night and yet today still did not feel rested. In fact, I was extremely tired and groggy.  I couldn't focus on things, I drove mechanically on a path that seemed vaguely familiar to me. And it was familiar, it just was not where I intended to go.The aftermath of my 8 hours of therapy felt similar to a hangover. The same things as you feel with a hangover is what I felt today. It was the oddest thing. To me, if it affected me to that degree, then it is some pretty intense deep stuff. I found that today for most of the day, I have been living in something akin to a bubble.

Lets hope that as I continue to work through this theme the effects become less and less.