Christmas 2009

So one more Christmas has past. It is midnight and I am sitting here with a glass of wine in hand. I look around my living room and see a shambles. In fact, I look around my house and see a shambles. Yesterday up until 1 am when I went to bed, I had envisioned this year to be different. During prior times when I was married, I would have a spotless house, with wonderful decorations and the table set for Christmas morning. The last couple years things have been a bit different. Since becoming a single mom, working part time and going to full time university, a clean house was last on my list. Overwhelmed with my new responsibilities of raising my kidlets by myself, as well as the additional factors of going through a messy split and school and homework and......left the house a bit last on my priority list.

So tonight, I sit here and look around at the paper still strewn about, and dishes yet to be washed, knowing my upstairs bathroom still needs doing (it got partially done today) and I sigh. Maybe next year I will pull off the Martha Stewart house again.

But this year? I have my baby lying on the couch with me sound asleep and two passed out sleepyheads upstairs? How did their day go this year? Well thanks to the generosity and help of friends, this year my kids got everything they asked Santa for. And due to the overtired Christmased out children I now possess, I had a 90 minute opportunity to have a heart felt discussion with one of the kidlets. It was 90 minutes of time that changed some perspectives, if not in the long term, at least in the short term.

This Christmas has taught me some things. It has taught me that family is where you look. Family does not have to be blood related. In fact, I am finding that my truest family may not be blood related. I also learned that miracles do happen on a day to day occurrence, but if you don't recognize them for what they are, you miss out on them and the beauty and joy they bring. Miracles don't necessarily come with a trumpeting fanfare, more often than not, they are silent whispers in the night. I have been the recipient of many of these night time conversations turned miracles. I have also discovered its a lot about perspective. Many of my miracles this year, were nothing large for those who facilitated them, but to me? they were everything. These miracles that have been dismissed by the givers, meant my children got the things they asked Santa for, it meant that I was able to give them a wonderful Christmas spent with great people all of which edified my children and allowed them to more fully enjoy this day.

I know I'm not the only one who experienced these types of miracles. Two of my high school friends, although the circumstances are different, have also experienced Christmas time miracles that were not considered any great accomplishment by those who so freely gave to us. Yet to us....???? These are miracles.

As you close off you day, stop and think....what miracle did I experience today????

Miracles

Christmas is often the Season for miracles.  We hear about those miracles and yet they rarely touch our lives. We hear about them and we think that they are good things and we move on. And yet, these miracles mean far more than we even begin to be aware of. How do I know this? Well, this season, I have been a recipient of more miracles than I knew existed. I will admit, it's not an easy year for me. Why? Well, shortly after my x and I split, for reasons that I still remain confident were the right choices, my x traded me in. He found and pursued someone else and they have been together ever since. Now some may say that it's what I deserve, after all I chose to initiate the split. that may be as that may be, it doesn't really matter at this point...the thing is, what I have always wanted, he has attained. Reasons for that remain unknown to me.....again a moot point...however, the reality is, my current situation is one of being alone.

Were I to look upon my choices, I know that they were important and the correct choices for me and my children., However, as we all know there are repercussions for every one of our choices, I am currently living those repercussions. I don't regret my choices but I hate my circumstances.

However, this year, as a result of those choices, I have been left in a position where miracles (at least in my estimation) are far more a reality in my life than they have ever been before. I have witnessed the kindness of strangers that has left me in tears. I have sat in the presence of strangers and cried for the compassion that they have exhibited upon me. I have also been the recipient of fully realizing the depth of the care of friends of mine. Christmas is a tumultuous time when you are a single mom, and tonight, I had the privilege of feeling cared for by a friend, whom I consider dear. For him, I am sure it was nothing, for me his one small act of kindness touched my heart in a way I do not have the words to adequately express. Thank you, more than you can fathom.

I am not the only one this season to witness these miracles. There are a few of my close friends that I know are expreiencing miracles this year. Things they did not foresee as being possible. Christmas....the time of miracles........too bad they couldn't last the whole year through.......

sighs

counselling is a wierd thing

So I sat here today with many many things running through my mind that I try to make sense of. And here's what I have discovered.

NOTHING

That's not entirely true. But I did reflect upon some wierd things.  And here is something that struck me.  I am a counsellor. It's in me. I live it and I breathe it. Of course the running joke when someone hears what you do is "don't analyze me" or "wow ur in for it I am a head case." Two things you hear relatively frequently as a counsellor. And it's not that I do so intentionally, but when it is in your blood, when you live it and breathe it, it becomes a natural thing.

I love people to death. I truly am a social butterfly. I care deeply about people and that is my motivator for figuring people out. I love to figure out how people work. That betters my ability to be able to help others, adn perhaps themselves. But here's the thing. My job entails that I am around people who have chosen to bear their soul to me. They choose to be completely honest and trust me with their pain. I have spoken of trust among people a lot. I bear that responsibility very solemnly.

I also tend to trust people a lot. I am trusting by nature. I treat people with openness and integrity and readily assume that others will do likewise. That by its very nature entails that I run a great risk of getting hurt because I go into situations with an open heart expecting people to treat me well, with dignity, with honour, with respect. Something I don't think I can change. It seems to be partly a result of being a counselor. I trust people that they will be honorable and truthful.

So as I have people that are intensely trusting of me and bare their deepest pain to me, I too trust, which means I may hurt. I only hope that I find the ways that I need to heal my heart so that it doesn't shut down.....

Contemplative

I am not sure that I have much to write and yet I feel the need to write. I sit here in a comtemplative mood. Many things are coursing through my veins as I ponder the weeks, months and year ahead and at the same time, my thoughts shift back to what the last three years have been like.

I have a 14 year old son. When I started to finish my BA he was 11. We (he and I) have undergone many many horrid things and yet tonight my baby boy turning man came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and just held on. So many changes, rapid ones, are in store for him. Soon he will be eligible to drive a car. Then he will graduate. I am not ready for these things. I feel like I missed out on something in the past three years. I heard a response to amnesia today from a client who suffered from it. This client was asked "Do you lose time?" The reply came very forceful, "Never utter those words to me again, losing time indicates a loss of a part of my life, which is very hopeless. I have not "lost" time, I have simply misplaced it and through therapy I will find it." That was an amazing reframe. But sadly for me, it doenst hold. I have lost three years. And soon to be a fourth. Granted, good things were happening, yet I know I missed out on amazing things. Don't get me wrong, I have been a part of my children's lives to the best of my ability juggling all that I do and yet, I have missed out. There have been field trips that I have not been part of. and school plays that i have missed, parties that I could not bake for....so many many things. All in the hope of providing a better life for my kids than welfare would bring us. Thing is, they don't get it. But I do. I know their losses perhaps better than they do and I know my losses with the things I cannot be a part of.

My baby is 7, he was four when we split and I went to uni. Again, so much of his young life I have missed. Mother's guilt. I think thats why I do not push him to sleep in his own bed. For that is something I can give him, in my limited time. Whereas the other two got more waking hours from me, he gets more sleep time hours from me. Besides, he still carries within him much fear. I know cuz he tells me.

My baby girl. I miss her. She has always been one that I have not had a handle on in being able to read her. And it shows. And yet she cries out for girl time. So I try to find ways to give that to her and perhaps over the Christmas break, more opportunities will open up.

Being a single parent is hard. There are many many times, when I am so exhasuted I want to lie down to sleep. Unforutnately that is not for me, as there are little people that just need a little bit more of me. And I have missed so much and denied them so much, its the least I can do and sometimes appeasing mothers guilt is mroe important than sleep.

Authenticity

I am fairly certain that I have blogged on this before, however, I feel compelled to do so again. I have recently run into a situation where the offending party has decided to play nice. The problem with this concept is that it is fake, it is inauthentic and I know the rumours that said person has spread about me. This isn't a simple situation where they strive to put aside our differences in order to attempt to rebuild a relationship. That, if there is a mutual understanding that that is going on, I can get into. In that situation, if both parties are of the same mind, and the goal is to rebuild a relationship so they choose together to not discuss past concerns or sensitive topics, well they are being honest, they are working toward the common good goal of rebuilding a relationship. I can honor that.

However, this is not that scenario. This is a scenario in which the other party is putting on a nice face, and the moment that my back is turned the rumours fly. This I am not interested in. I have no desire to be in their company and this is why. To be in their company means I have to have my guard up constantly and I have to be inauthentic myself. Why? Because if I let my guard down, if I choose to be authentic then that means anything I may or may not say can and will be twisted and used against me. I simply am not interested in such nonsense. So I don't go there. However, I find myself put in a bind for an answer of getting together is waited for. I would love to tell the truth, however, that will cause hurt and then anything i may or may not say can and will be used against me. So for right now.....I find myself stalling.....

Racism- Jen S I am so so sorry.....

Ugly word, ugly state of society. I had a conversation with a buddy of mine just recently and he made the point that we are all racists. I sat about that and we continued in our discourse and as the conversation unfolded I was able to understand that his point was that anytime we speak a slanderous statement against another person based on their appearance this is a form of racism. His example "if I am driving down the road and get but off, and notice its a woman driver and curse her out for being a stupid driver because she was a woman, that is a form of racism."  I had to concede the point.

Today, I driving my kids to school. As I traveled down the road, I noticed a group of elderly people standing at the side of the road not really engaged in doing anything and I wondered aloud, "I wonder what they are doing there." Now I had expected my son to ask the follow up question (although he didn't) of "Who?' Based on my expectation I had already formulated my response "That group of elderly Aisian people."

And my thought continued. Why did  feel it necessary to qualify that they were a group of Aisian elderly people. Was there any significant difference in them being Aisian, as if white elderly people would never do something like that? Why could I not just say that group of eldery people. And in qualifying that they were elderly as well.....why did I need to do that? Am I stating that I don't think younger adults would congregate like that? What in me created the need to qualify that they were elderly and Aisian? I don't believe that I am racist. I like to believe that I am accepting and non-judgemental of everyone. I can list the standard reasons that I am not racist...I school with other ethnicities and value them for the person they are etc etc.... But then why this inherent need to have qualified that this group of people today were Aisian.

I wondered further...is it then a sign of respect for their difference? Am I respecting that they are not entirely like me and recognizing that? Does this come from a political and societal outcry that we here in Canada, being a diverse country, recognize the inherent differences within our population and honor and respect their differences? Is taht where it stems from in my heart? If so, why did I feel the need to point out that this group of people standing outside in the cold this morning, were Aisian.

K, well huge epiphany here and one that I am ashamed of to say the least. I guess that to a degree I am somewhat racist. I have been guilty of the example that my friend portrayed above. Even against women. That is shameful to admit. I have found that I am a firm believer in "when in Rome do as the Romans do" I do tend to qaulify this with the caveat that it's not that I think that other cultures should give up their heritages, however, I do tend to get somewhat disgruntled when other ethnicities get tax breaks and financial returms in Canada because of their ethnicity. I do get frustrated when other ethnicities are amongst the general public and are discourteous to us English speaking people. It does make me suspicious that they are perhaps talking about us "whites." I have no issue with other ethinicities celebrating within their own home their cultural heritage. I have no issue with them gathering with other people and having festivities where they converse in their language and where they celebrate things taht are culturally important to their heritage but I do struggle with other ethnicities bypassing common courtesy and displaying rude mannerisms in public, or having side converstaions with others in their mother tongue. Those are some of the things that I do struggle with. I struggle with our government giving them monetary handouts that we as Canadians are exempt from.

I remember a sermon I was at, and this sermon gave me more grace and tolerance for other ethnicities, albeit, I still have work to do here. Canada has been prophesied over to a rather large extent. The gist of the prophecy was that Canada is in part a multi-cultural nation, for it is here that the last revival will occur and that is because we are multicultural. For it is our multiculturalness that enables us to be ripe for the last revival for within our own country, we have the ethnic ability to take Jesus out to all the other nations, for we are composed of the other nations. So when know Jesus, they will be more readily accepted back within thier own country and therefore have an ability to take Jesus there, that is not open to us whites. That started the shift ini this paradigm of mine.

I had hoped that blogging may have cleared my thoughts and allowed me to draw some conclusions and sort this out, but this looks like a journey I will continue on in. I could carry on but I would be asking the same questions another way. One thing I do know.....the fact that this stirs my heart is a good thing, for it allows me to examine myself, my motives and my hearts intent and that is a good thing and I would hope that that is somewhat indicative of not being or at the very minimumm wanting to be racist. Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.....