Hope Disappoints

So right now I am sitting in the Wong Centre at my university waiting to meet a girl. I spent the entire drive in pondering hope. Now if we were to look up God's concept it would be that we place our hope in Him and therefore that hope will not disappoint. Why? Because God will not disappoint us. And even if we think He will or did, He always has something better up His sleeve for us. Something that we maybe cannot picture at this point.

So here's where I am stuck. I have a life of hope disappointed. Granted, partly my fault as I place my hope in earthly things/people as opposed to my Heavenly Father. Nonetheless, it is what it is. My experience tells me hope does disappoint. So what have I done? Well, in a number of areas, I have become resigned. I have spoken about this with a few girlfriends of mine. For so many many years in my life, hope has disappointed and so now I no longer hope. Instead, I turned hope off and became resigned. Not bitter, not angry, not resentful, just resigned. Not sure which is worse, for with anger there is still fuel to the fire. With resignation, there's nothing really....

BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!  I have a situation here, where potentially many dreams of mine, those that I have held onto since I was a tot, may come true. Operational word being MAY. So what do I do? I want to hope, and yet I am terrified to do so. Why? Let's recall that when I hope...it disappoints. So if I hope, it feels like I am setting myself up for disappointment. Can I do that one more time? Can I hope that these dreams might just possibly become a reality for me? There's a lot at stake if I do. And to be honest, if they don't come to pass, I'm not entirely sure I could recover from that. I'm not entirely convinced that I could pick up the once more shattered pieces of my heart that by now are surely unrecognizeable (sp???) and figure out how to put them all back together again. I'm not even convinced they could BE put back together again.

Now of course the Christian answer is: put your hope and trust and faith in God. Yes...I get that...but....me and God are on a learning curve here. I know in my head that if this doesn't come to pass, then God has something better in store for me. Trust me, I have heard the answers all my life. Problem again: my head and heart don't always match up with what they know.

Many people reading this will say: "you can do it, you are strong enough to get through this one..." Maybe that's so. Maybe I could. I know I will survive. I have three beautiful, amazing creatures whom God saw fit to gift to me, for their sake I will survive, I'm just concerned as to the state I will be in when I walk out the other side. If I am resigned now....where would that leave me then?

So I sit here and contemplate my options...hope and maybe trust along with that. Or shut things down now. That doesn't seem a feasible option either though, for my heart seems to be already too much invested. So....I guess I hope and wait and figure out how the hell I will pick up after this. Franklly speaking, I don't like either of my options.

Live Small

Interesting advice I was given and goes against every grain in my body. I'm faced with a situation. I want to retaliate. I won't to ensure that I take pre-emptive strikes and put an end to this. I want to go out and deal with this full force and not sit back and "take" it.

And yet, Live Small. What do I mean by that? Well for me right now, with this situation, it means living under the radar. To take a stance that says, do what you want, I am better than that, and all your feeble attempts mean nothing. Why should I do this? Well I am better than that and the more I engage in this, the more validity I give it.

So I sit at a crux. I want to fight, I want to ensure that this gets dealt with swiftly and surely and I squash it like a bug BUT by fighting this as if it is a threat, gives the picture that I feel it is a threat and there is validity to it.

The more I engage in all this, the  more power it has. The more I fight it, the more threat it has. Live Small. Ignore it and it will go away. Dismiss it, rise above it and give nothing to give validity to it. Live Small.

In this instance, excellent advice. Now to work at the ensuing emotional eruption that it caused and not let it tag into my vulnerability. Rise above it, recognize it as petty games from a childish immature person. Live Small and it will go away. And surround myself with the truth of who I am: a Beautiful, Professional woman who knows what she wants in life and is finding and will find success in this world.

Why? Because...........

"I ROCK!!!!!"................(guitar hero told me so...... ;-P )

Group Therapy

Long day. Eight hours. Lots of intensity. Much emotion. Eight hours of sitting in a heightened emotional state. Leads to utter exhaustion, greater connection, growth and healing and one massive headache? It's a love hate relationship. I hate hate hate the days of fear leading up to it. I hate hate hate the entire day of intense emotionality and I hate hate hate getting stirred up. But what I love is the care, the connection the deep visceral guttural knowledge of being seen, of being known and of being loved through the ugliest, the darkest and the nastiest parts of me. What I love, is the growth, the healing that I have glimpsed of. It's enough to create a hunger, a longing to keep on moving and to embrace all those parts that I hate. It's enough to keep me going back, despite my fear, despite the trepidation, despite the angst, anxiousness, panic and unknown. It's enough for me to continue embracing my hell in the hopes of restoration. It's enough.

My Inspirations- Jen N and Shannon G.

So recently, I have been in contact with some friends from high school (thanks Facebook). Now these girls were a grade higher than me, and so through high school we didn't really know each other. But I was in a small private school, in fact my grad class consisted of 40 students and their's- 20. So although I didn't know them well, I knew them somewhat. Well, through Fb in the last while, I have gotten reacquainted with them. The main way I have done that is through their blogs, which you can read here and here. These two women are incredible and if my faith were even half of what their's is, I would consider myself a blessed woman.

I have gone through a lot of shit. Let's face it. Those of you who know me know that. And yet, when I read of the struggles and of the heartache that besets these two women, I feel ashamed at my own lack of strength, lack of faith and lack of courage. What I really appreciate about these blogs is that they are heartfelt, they are authentic, and they are gut wrenchingly honest. They lay their hearts and souls bare to those who read their stories. Sometimes, they are angry, sometimes hopeless, sometimes despairing, sometimes fearful, sometimes joyful, sometime ecstatic and they choose to share their journey with those who would read it.

Many times, I anxiously await a blog post from these women, for their joy warms my heart, their faith stirs and encourages me, and their pain breaks me. I believe I have told them both this: but I honor and esteem these two women. And as a small token this is my tribute to them. I searched and searched for a number of hours but this is the best that I could come up with. Although the first verse doesn't apply, I find that, for the imprint that these two woman have left on me, the rest of the song does.

Is it because I'm a female?

Guess what!!! I am a girl!!!! And you know what else???? I'm a very feminine girl. And furthermore, I am quite pleased with the fact that I am a feminine girl. It suits me, I wear it well. In fact, I completely relish in my femininity. I enjoy being a girl!

What I don't enjoy is people who think that because I am a girl, because I am feminine I must not know anything. I really don't enjoy that because I'm a girl people assume that I have no intelligence and no business sense and do not do my due diligence. Do I know everything there is to know? Of course not. But I do know what I don't know and I do know how to find out what I don't know. I also know how to do my due diligence. I also know how to do my research. I also know that have a good brain, and I am intelligent and I know how to use my good brain. I also know not to swallow everything hook, line and sinker.

But what really riles me is the assumption and the patronization and condescension that comes with it that because I am a girl I am somehow intellectually flawed. And so I feel the need to say this: I am intelligent, I am proud of my intelligence and you might want to think twice or take a second look because before you assume that I'm not. I do not enjoy my credibility to integrity being challenged and when you make the assumption that because I am a girl I cannot be intelligent you are challenging a) my intelligence, b) my integrity and c) my credibility and I do not take kindly to that. In fact, do that and I lose a ton of respect for you immediately. So...think carefully my friends...

Hey Hottie!!!

Really? Um....is our relationship such that you feel you can call me that? Cuz really? I don't know you. And to be honest, I am not in relationship with you and as such there is no way on the face of this planet that you have my permission to call me that.

I am single. And as such, I am discovering a new element of supposed "man " out there. This is the type that approaches me with a "Hey, Sexy!" of "Hey Hottie!" as their way of greeting. My response? WTF do you think you are doing??? Where on earth did manners go? Where on earth did respect go? In fact, where on earth did common courtesy go?

Trust me my friends, calling me hottie or sexy by way of a greeting to me, is NOT appreciated. It is not respectful and I am not impressed. If that is your attempt at making me feeling wanted or sexy think again. If that is your way of showing me you are interested, thinking again. Because frankly speaking I will not give you the time of day.

I really am appalled at the familiarity with which guys approach me. Calling me hottie or sexy when you have no clue as to who I am slots me right in line with being a piece of meat that is purely here for you casual useage to be tossed out with the trash.  Think again, because the only place that will get you with me, is the back door. By the way, don't let it hit you on the way out.

Not quite as offensive but running along the same lines is the concept of calling me Kris. For those of you that are reading this, if you have done so, you are forgiven. However, my name is Kristie and that is how I wish to be addressed. Two people in this entire university get to call me Kris....and get this....it's not even my family. That is a rare privilege that only two people have. Trust me I will be swift to correct you should you call me that. As I did just recently. The response? The person in question chose to take offense because I politely told him that my name was Kristie and he could call me that.

I am not sure what type of men we as mothers are raising that they think they can get away with things like this and not only get away with it but think it is complimentary. But guess what? I demand more of myself and subsequently I demand more of those around me. So, if you are thinking of calling me sexy, hottie, Kris, or any other such disrespectful title, think again.....for you shall be swiftly shut down.

I am a person, I am due respect and dignity, I have a name. Use it.