dreams

Hmm...not even quite sure where to start this blog. I kept myself from dreaming for a long, long time. Sure I had things I wanted but this seemed to be so remote so far away so dream-like....thus the title dreams I suppose......so that is where they stayed....far in the sky away from me...for they would never come true.....

The root of that is quite easy to discern....it's a matter of not believing that i am good enough to have those dreams come true.....

And in walks Mr. Life Coach. I have spoken of him. And Mr. Life Coach has decided to steadfastly prove me wrong. And Mr. Life Coach has steadfastly decided that I am worth good and beautiful dreams and gosh darn it if he wasn't going to make me believe it......

And........he did........

For a time........

For a time I did believe it.............

But then no movement happened......

But I hoped and hoped.......

Til hope died.....

Which leaves me back where I started....

Not believing in dreams for surely they disappoint.....

Abundant Inheritance?????? Part Two

So awhile ago, I blogged about abundant inheritance.....and now I sit here and rethink. I know that I had attributed that to the spot that I was in, I really believed at that time, that God was finally looking down on me, and the hell that has been my life, the faithfulness (albeit full of many times of doubt, many arguments, many questions and many temper tantrums) and decided to honor that. Dreams, longings, hopes, desires that I have had in my heart for as long as I could remember, appeared to be coming true. I appeared to be on the brink of things.

And now, I sit and I wonder. Things don't seem to be panning out quite as I had expected. They don't seem to be materializing how I had foreseen. So I'm sure as you read this, you are thinking, what's one upset? What on earth? She's making a mountain out of a molehill. But here's the kicker. This is the the fourth time that this happened. The fourth time in this same situation that I have been disappointed, been let down and been left to question and wonder.

Each time that this has happened, I have picked myself, dusted myself off, reached deeper down than I thought was possible and attempted to restore my hope and faith. Keep in mind, before you pass judgment, the circumstances in the aforementioned situation are beyond my control as well as the control of the other parties involve. None of this could be foreseen, and had it been foreseen, none of it could be avoided. But nonetheless, the emotions that manifest remain the same.

So hoe does one proceed? Do I continue to wait? If so how long before i admit I am being played for a fool? Do I cut and run? If so, how do I manage what I know will be overwhelming emotion? Is this God, calling me to trust him? If so, what do I do with the doubt, the fear?

Is it my abundant inheritance??? or have I just been played for the fool one more time? How do you live in a place like this? How do you walk the line between faith and doubt between disbelief and belief? Do you hope or turn off?