running theme in my life

Right now, there is a running theme in my life and this has been deemed my place to vent so vent I'm going to.

There you are warned.

I AM TIRED!!11 EXHAUSTED!!!! WITH NO REAL DESIRE TO "KEEP PUSHING PLAY" ON THIS LIFE OF MINE.

It's been a long hard road on a number of fronts. On the surface: it's been a long hard 5 years. FIVE years that I didn't count on. Five years since I left my x and stumbled my way into this single mom, student, employee thing I've got going. And here's my confession: I didn't see this. I really didn't factor in five years of pain with no support and fighting this alone. I honestly thought that by this time two things would have happened. One, I would be done with my degree and two: I would have found someone which would have eased a ton of things in my life. I am tired of hearing my daughter beg to have some mommy and daughter time....."maybe we could go shopping or to a movie" and not knowing how I can make her simple wish come true, cuz right now, I can't pay bills and make ends meet, let alone find some money to take her out. I am also so very tired of feeling "icky" and "slimy" for all the things I have to do to make this work.

I'm tired of dreaming alone and stretching myself so thing trying to do it all to satisfy everyone. I am just really really tired and I sit without hope that things will ever change at this point.

And more so, I am tired of my life. I am tired of fighting demons I didn't know existed. I am tired of barely surviving. I am tired of fighting for survival and freedom when I don't know what freedom is. I am tired sucking it up and convincing myself things will turn around when I wake up and stare the same problems in the face without a resolution. If we are fighting for territory here, I think the problems are winning.

I am tired of putting my dreams on hold. And I am coming to the point, where I don't even know if I can even dream them anymore. It feels very much like I am watching them die, a slow brutal death that is painful for everyone involved. Where each day brings the dream a little weaker, a little more unable to grab another breath, a little more hopeless that things will change, and a little more reality that my dreams, that I held so precious to my heart, are just that...dreams....pie in the sky....empty and substance less.......nebulous without form......just empty air.

I'm tired. I'm done in. And I hate this holding position....

Slowly, I am turning off.....

Tired

Today, I am tired. I feel done. I feel that I have bourne too much in life and I feel worn.

This week was a hard week in the life of me. If you have read the past few blogs, you will know that for near the entire month my daughter has been sick with no reprieve. Many blood tests. Many tears. Much exhaustion and many flashbacks to when I was so very very sick, and wished I would die. Just to not be sick.

On top of that, this has been the hardest week of my counseling career. I have had to be the MCFD caller. It sucks. Yet I know, in my head, its what was needed. But you see...I have been on the other side of the MCFD. I have been the one investigated (out of spite, mind you). But I went under intensive and thorough investigation. Not once. But twice. And so I know that I did when I made that call. And yet I knew that that call needed to be made.

But you know what? It sucks. It hurts. And I hate it. And I hope and pray that the clients involved can turn things around because of it.

Then today, I heard. I have to get surgery. It should be routine. But nonetheless.

And I have been doing this journey for far too long by myself. I have been doing it physically now for near 5 years. But I had been doing it far long before that, by myself.

And so I am tired. I am tired of managing all the things I do with the care that I do BY MYSELF>

Sometimes, I want shoulders to lean on. I want arms to wrap around me and tell me that it will be ok, cuz they are taking care of things and they will make it alright.

I want to not worry, how bills will be paid, where food will come from and how I can manage to give my kids the things their friends have but are extremely difficult for me to provide. I am tired of having to make tough choices. Who gets paid? and if I borrow from Peter to pay Paul, who pays Peter?

I am tired of living on the edge of nothing.

I am tired of worrying and thinking and trying to figure how at the end of the month, I can give everyone just a little something to get them off my back.

I am tired of pouring myself into my clients, showing them the way out, for I once traveled there, but having no one to pour into me.

I am tired of investing my heart into others to have it shunned.

I am tired of not mattering.

Simply?

I am tired.......

I need to sleep....

I need energy....

I need hope.....

But tomorrow, I will wake up, and face my demons, put a smile on my face and give my kids barely just enough so that they don't completely comprehend that for us things are different....and wonder.....how at then end of the day.......bills will be paid....and I won't wake up to the threatening letters or phone calls....

I.........

Today was my initiation day!

And trust me it is not near as much fun as it sounds. And not near as much fun as university initiations. In fact? It was no fun at all.

But despite that, I can now say that I have been initiated into the world of trauma therapy with kids. What does that mean you ask?

Well, it means that today, for the first time, I got the wonderful privilege of making my first MCFD report on a family.

Which will lead to an investigation.

I did it with a breaking heart, knowing that call will likely wreak havoc on a crazy insane situation. And I do it, hoping and praying that the suicidal client that I work with that resides in this family unit will get the help that they need.

And maybe......just maybe......

life will stabilize....

chaos will subside......

normalcy will begin to be, well, normal.....

long-term help will begin.......

and this one will be able to experience some childhood.



AND I hate it.....

I know it must be done.....

I hope the end result will be a good one.......

BUT?

IT'S SHITTY

and no one should have to do this.....

and I feel sick to my stomach......

nauseous........

slimed..........

saddened.....


So.....if I may ask one thing of you if/when you read this? Go, hug your children, hold them tight, love on them so so so so very much, and make sure they know it. Make every decision by this plumb-line "everything I did today was done in the best interest of the (insert # ) pairs of eyes that I stare into at the end of my day." Thank God, that life is not yours and pray for the ones for whom it is.

And.........

LOVE ON THEM!

thanks.

LOVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!

February in my house

So this Feb has been a weird month for us.

On the me note: thesis is moving along and I am knee deep into my internship with suicidal youth. Pretty intense some of the times and pretty ok the rest of the time. I was quite excited to bring OEI to my new internship site as well as complete my level II training which means I am a certified OEI therapist.

On a Jeff note: we have had a rough first semester but realized that it meant that we had to be more concentrated on doing homework and puling our grades up. We are down to a n every two month therapy schedule and it appears that we are doing ok with that. Can I have a therapy graduation for him?
Jeff has also decided to be an active proponent of pink shirt day. For him that means a) wearing a pink shirt and b) going back to the school he was bullied at and giving his testimony. Somewhat intense and scary but he is determined to do it. (For those unaware, Jeff underwent two crazy intense years of being bullied...to the point where the would be stuck in "the circle"...boys standing shoulder to shoulder, encircling him and beating him to a pulp.
On a third note,, he is starting his own company as a website builder. He is knee deep in one of mine. If you like what you see at the end, want a webpage builder for a crazy reasonable price...let me know.

Jamie: At the end of Jan, beginning of Feb. Jamie turned nine. A bunch of crazy boys all playing King Arther for 3 hours.Tired me out to be sure. Jamie is an actor and would that I had more time, he would go back in. He loves it and is talented at it. He is my Jamie...my goofy, loveable, so gentle, tender, sensitive, vulnerable little man. He has healed enough to sleep in his own bed! That's a huge accomplishment and a huge milestone for my tender little man.

Missy: my gorgeous, emotional 12 year old girl. This is her Feb. story. At the beginning of Feb...on the first, she was given a ten day dose of Amoxicillin for a routine cases of Tonsilitis. Usually the antibiotics kick in after two days. Feb 1 was a tuesday. Missy did not return to school until the following Monday. She was there til Thursday (pro-D day on Friday). Before the antibiotics were finished she was terribly sick again. On Valentines Day, we were back in to the dr. who gave her a second line of antibiotics, one that is equivalent to erythromycin in strength but easier on the tummy. With a requisition to get a monospot done if the antibiotics weren't working by Wed. Well by her symptoms were: low grade fever, yucky throat, headaches, swollen lymph glans, extreme exhaustion, and heavy limbs. In to the dr. we go. Monospot test is ordered. Brave little princess sucked up her out of control fear and didn't cry for the blood test. Monospot came back yesterday. Negative.

So now what?

Back into the dr. we go. Today. I had to clear my schedule. More blood tests. Missy walks into the lab, bursts into tears. She cannot contain her fear this time.

And so now we wait. With a child who is so tired she cries over nothing, simply because she has no resilience for anything. She goes from bed to couch to bed, and all the ice cream and treats don't make her throat nor her emotions better.

And I sit with a million horrible horrors running through my brain as to what is making my baby sick........

I am frustrated

I am very frustrated and I am not even really sure to whom my frustration should be directed. Or if it should be anyone. But I think it should be satan. It's his fault, really. For you see. lately I have had a rash of people around me diagnosed with deseases. I think of the teacher at school diagnosed with breast cancer. And it's really pissing me off. And making me hungry.

For you see...this should not be. I serve a God who heals, a God whose heart is breaking right now for the diseases His kids are suffering from. This shouldn't be. Read Act 10:38 here. That says that God heals ALL who are oppressed. Not some. Not those in Biblical days. Not everyone but those who live in 2011. Not just the saved. Not just the believers. But ALL.

Which means, there should nto be sickness. We should not be seeing disease and sickness. That is NOT God's heart. If you think it is, a word of advice given gently, check your theology.

I am connected with an amazing church: Bethel in Redding, California. This church has now been a cancer free zone for 5-7 years. They see the miraculous on a regular basis. You can find them here.

And that's what frustrates me. That healing is evident. God's desire is healing. And for so many people, for whatever reason, they don't believe it can exist. They don't believe that it can happen today.

So I guess if you are reading this, then this is my challenge to you.

If you are one of those that suffer from a disease or sickness, or you know someone who does. Try it. Check out the church, Check out the ministry. See if God can heal. If you weren't healed you can always go back to medical doctors.

But I wonder what if?

What if you were?

I am not strong

I have lived many a hard year. And many ppl think that I am this monumental, have-it-all-together type of person. But guess what? I'm not.

I used to answer that its amazing what you can pull out when you have no option....as a way to explain what people think they see. And there is some truth to that. But guess what? I am NOT strong.

It is amazing what you can accomplish when you have no option. Things you never thought possible. Things you thought were beyond your scope. You can accomplish the impossible when left without an option.

However, I was referring to the more mundane things. And you know what? I am NOT strong. As I sit here and write, tears stream down my face.

When people see me, they see a portion of me and that is the portion of me that they think is ME.

And here lies my confession. Far too many nights I cry myself to sleep. Far too many days, when my kids are in school, I lie on my couch, I am either numb or I am weeping.

For you see, I am not strong. I am vulnerable. I hurt. I cry. I bleed. But few see my hidden pain. Few understand the struggles I face, the trials I fight and the demons I chase. Few understand that with every day, as many mothers see their children and smile, I see my children and weep. For what they have lost. For the pain they have suffered. For the ways I failed.

Few see.

Few know.

Few take the time.

Which one are you?

Will you see?

Will you know?

Will you take the time?

Or is my bleeding eyes, my tear stained soul not worth the risk it poses you?

Will you see?

Will you choose to turn away?

The choice is yours.

The ramifications......

.........I wear.