My House, my home...

So it is 2011 and I sit in the kitchen amidst a million boxes, the sun pouring in, my first cup of coffee and a head full of dreams.My dog is whining at the porch door, my cat is on the back of my chair. Oftentimes, there are two yearly points that people will stop and assess their life: New Year's  being the obvious one and then September when the kids go back to school. But, as par for the course of my unusual life, I don't stop on those two points, in fact, I don't think I ever ponder at those two points. Rather it is moments like these when I think, when I ponder.

This year has been full of a number of things, some good, mostly bad. It started off with my being falsely accused of embezzlement. That particular episode started at the end of last year and rung in my new year. Not a great note to start on. This lasted  a few months and ended with a severing of relationships as a result.

Next came my one vacation in 6 going on 7 years. It was a mini weekend escape. It was a time I remember with fondness. Upon arriving back home, I discovered that we had been robbed and stripped of nearly everything of value. This was followed by an assault and attempted robbery on my eldest son. The court case for this is still pending.

Summer was somewhat uneventful. I gave my daughter a brilliant 13th birthday. August was marked by a human rights tribunal complaint due to discrimination because I have children. That is still under investigation.

Then September hit and so did the Gang Task Force Invasion. You can read about that here. This was followed by more police involvement, another robbery. I believe I counted about 10 traumatic events in 20 days. And thus the more intentional search for a house ( which we found).

And then we had puppies and I had to paint and clean one house, while packing and cleaning the other house. And then we moved.

So here I sit, among unopened, and opened boxes, in a house that is partially painted and partially cleaned. And apart from being terribly sleepy, I think I am content (unless that's just the sleepiness kicking in.)

And I ponder. And dream for the good things in this house. For you see this house is already something of a dream. No, I do not own it. I wish I did. But it has many things I've dreamed of. I grew up with a wood burning fireplace. Here there are now banned unless you have a house with one in it already. And now? Well, I have two! I have a large master bedroom with two closets and a half bath ensuite. More things I have wished for. I have a house with lots of windows so the sun can get in everywhere. The front of the house faces east, the back west. I have enough bedrooms for the kids and a great rec/games room. I have a big back yard. I have a wrap around deck for summer barbeques. I also have an unfinished room that I hope to turn into an office. I have a house, but more importantly I have a home.I have a park right next to me.

So as I sit this morning and looik at the mountains outside, I ponder and I wish. I wish for many things in this house. I hope to be remarried. I hope to hear the pitter patter of baby feet once again. But most of all, I wish for peace and safety for me and my kids.

My little guy looked up at me as he drowsily fell asleep and said to me two things: I trust this house Mommy, I trust it because I slept it in and it was good. And then he said, Thank you Mommy for getting us a house that is safe....

SWA (Superwoman Anonymous)

Hi! My name is Kristie de Jong and I am NOT a Superwoman. Although I suppose I look like it at times. BUT I am NOT superwoman. In fact, all I am is a simple girl with big dreams. However, I can see how some might think I am.

Let's recap: in the last five years I have survived, overcome, kicked and screamed through, gritted my teeth and held on while (insert favorite descriptive here) more crises than most people know exist.

I have: separated from an abusive husband who raped me
     -re-entered University
     -graduated with my BA in Honors Psychology
     -raised three children
     -taught said children HOW to have a healthy relationship with aforementioned ex
     -fought through numerous career crushing rumours
     -managed through numerous social services investigations disproving all rumours and accusations
     -nearly  obtained my MA in Counseling Psychology (thesis outstanding)
     -survived rape while in University
     -sold my marital home
     -made an urgent move to a new address after the rape
     -started a few different businesses (including my private practice)
     -having to call 911 at various points to ensure my children's safety
    -continuing abuse from my x
     -accusations from a guy I "dated" that included my stalking him and B & E in his house
      -ongoing estrangement from family because I will not subscribe to their mental/emotional abuse
     -family siding with x
     -having my life blogged about with blogs being laced with accusations, lies. rumors, slander and libel           enough to upset my chi children

AND THIS YEAR ALONE:
     -survived two robberies
     -had my son assaulted
     -waded (and still wading) through a human rights complaint
     -discriminated against because I have children
     -threatened with legal action
     -accused of fraud and keeping funds for self gain (is that rightly called embezzlement?)

AND SINCE SEPTEMBER
     -gang task force and SWAT descending on my property
     -children trapped in the house whilst said SWAT and GTF were active on property
     -police called on me for no reason
     -verbal attacks by neighbors due to said SWAT and GTF (insert second roobery)
     -son's accused floating on the outside of our lives (despite a no contact order)
     -another urgent move (due to aforementioned GTF and SWAT)
     -CSI investigation on property
     -guns trained on my house during said SWAT and GTF investigation
     -family members continuing to abuse by telling me that I have no right to fight for myself or my children, we should expect discrimination and suck it up and live in a shit hole because I am NO princess and deserve nothing better
     -fighting with the current landlord to not enter my house without me there
     -my dog being beat
     -fighting with future landlord over safety concerns with the new house
     -cleaning and painting new house
     -packing and painting
     -working two jobs
     -managing the mental health of my children

(that's all I can remenber)

(and that's only the last couple years)

BUT

I
AM
NOT
SUPER
WOMAN

in fact, I am just a simple girl. I cry........ALOT. and I am weak. and I wish for someone to come along and help me with things. But no one offers. So I go it alone. I wish it were different and if it were me, I likely would go it alone. For you see, I am nothing more than those family members suggested. But my children are better. They are not THAT. They are amazing and they deserve the best of the best and so I fight for their sake. They have unheard of and untold hell as their life experience and yet their spirits are beautiful and amazing and joyous to be around. And so for them, I fight. For they deserve all those amazing things. And I die inside because I have nothing left. People "hear": and "see" my life but no one stands with me. They all remain outside observers with no one thinking that maybe, just maybe I cannot manage. Maybe, just maybe I need a hand. But everyone has lives, everyone has an issue or a something that prevents them from reaching out. And I will not ask,. I will NOT be a burden. I may not be superwoman, but I will not be a burden.

And so I keep going.
I cry.
I fall apart.
I scream.l
I stop functioning.

But all that needs doing gets done. For my kids. I show up to their field trips even if it means 5 sleepless nights to ensure the rest gets done.

And then I crash.
Cry
Weep
Bleed
Die

and although I look like Superwoman, I am NOT

Hi!
My name is Kristie de Jong

And I am NOT superwoman......

Justice is an interesting beast.

I am not sure what I am going to write.l I know I am a vibrating mess. The last month and a half in my first ever home that I felt safe in, my world got turned upside down. We have had SWAT teams, gang task force, gunshots, neighbours calling police on me, people following my daughter and more stuff that slips my mind right now. Suffice it to say, it is time to move on. So after the human rights tribunal debacle, I found a new place. It's a bit more than I am paying now, however it is a nominal amount. And the good news? It is big, with a big yard, and four bedrooms, and two wood burning fireplaces (something my heart has desired forever). I am very excited. BUT it requires a TON of work. I have had to clean the entire place and it was DISGUSTING. I can't even describe the filth except to say that I have a commercial grade cleaner and it took washing the kitchen ceiling 3 times before it was clean. The carpets were soo dirty, nothing would clean them, and the place badly needed a paint job. So the deal we made with the rental company is this:  they would clean the place before we painted, I would paint (they would cover up to $300.00) and they would replace the carpets.

They renigged on the cleaning. And the walls could NOT be painted in the state they were in. It would peel in about 3 months. I explained this to them and they held firm. So I cleaned. And then I went to paint, well so far I am at about 500 and I have a ton left to go. So likely the paint bill will be close too 1000.00 that I do not have. The carpets come in on Monday.

What I have since discovered (still have to verify) is that in BC there is a law that states that a landlord renting a place has to clean it, paint it and repair damage. All of that except the carpets I have had to deal with myself. So my intention is to go ahead and do the work, clean the house, paint the house and then work to recoup the cost of the paint, not the labor just the paint cost. It is illegal for them to do this to me, and so I am looking to recoup the cost of the paint and supplies.

So my dad phones tonight and asks how things are going. I tell him the state of the house  and how things are progressing. Dad asked who is paying for all of this and so I explained about the cleaning and painting and the carpets and all hell breaks loose. I catch shit for trying to recoup my cost and he tells me that I should not be doing that and that I'm wrong. I should not be taking things to the level that I do and why the hell do I do that and think I can do that. I have no business taking things to this level ( the government) and he definitely does not agree with me. And why don't I just live somewhere else then. So I replied that I cannot afford anything else. He replied that I should stay where I am and why don't I? So I said that I am not going to continue to live in a place where the SWAT team descends upon my house and gun shots go off. His reply? Well that's all you can expect when you are only willing to pay 1500 and you should just suck it up and deal but definitely NOT fight this.I also told him that he doesn't have to agree with me but I am a 37 year old woman and quite capable of making my own decisions. He said I disagree. I said well I have raised three kids by myself for five years and have been doing it well. He said I don't want to hear all that. Through all this nattering about the take home message?

You are fkd up and I don't agree with what you are doing.

I told him numerous times that I did not have the energy to argue about this and if that was his intent then this conversation would have to happen another time. He said fine. So I said,k I love you dad, have a good night and good bye

He said bye.

He hung up.

Dear Mr. Thief

so, I thought that I'd write to you, not that you will ever see this but that matters not. I have now been affected and been your target twice. And so I thought I would share some of my thoughts with you. The first time we crossed each other's paths, was back in April. I took my kids away for vacation for the Easter long weekend. It was our first "vacation" in six years. And trust me it wasn't much of one. One of my girlfriends invited us up to her house so that we could get away and we went. So it wasn't a vacation in the truest sense, it was simply a bit of time away. We has a wonderful time and came back semi refreshed and ready to carry on. But you see, we came home to a house devastated with our few precious things gone. You chose to take my children's jewellery, their game system, our computer monitor, my jewellery..nothing that would net any great source of income, but things that were precious to me and my children.

Now, I am a single mother, barely making ends meet as it is. So really, nothing has been replaced My dad gave my kids an xbox 360 but apart from that, I have had not the income to be able to replace everything. I guess you thought that I had insurance and that I could replace things and so you would strike again. And this time? This time you took the last 3 remaining things that had any value. You took my laptop, my kids new xbox and my camera with which I make a living.

Can I ask you one question Mr Thief? Are you done now? Have you satisfied your lust for money, drugs and power? Are you done with robbing me?

I ask, not because I am mad at you. I ask because you stole things far more important than our stuff. And I ask because I need to know how to  keep my children safe. For you see, you didn't just take our material possessions. That is the least of what you took. You took our safety, our sense of well-being, our faith and trust in mankind and you took the innocence of my children as they have had to wrestle with the knowledge that there are people in this world who think so selfishly that they would bring harm to another person. You took our sleep, as we wake many times through the night at whatever noise is outside, wondering hoping and praying that we stay safe.

You see, I raised my kids to know something different. I raised them to believe in the goodness of man. I raised them to trust that good people exist and that leading a good life, an honest life of integrity is the right way to do things. I raised them to not lie. I raised them with integrity. And in one selfish act you have shaken, and perhaps shattered everything that I have taught my children, who now question some of life's most core and fundamental principles.

They grieve the things they lost. I grieve the childhood you stole from them.

But Mr. Thief, I have chosen to bear you no ill will. And I have chosen to teach my children the same thing. Rather, we have decided to bless you. I don't know why you chose to do this., I don't know why you chose to inflict this suffering on us. But I have my suspicions. I believe that it is because you wanted drug money.

But you see, that makes me ache for your pain. Why? Because I know that drugs is a numbing agent. And for you to need drugs to numb must mean you are destroyed by the pain you carry. It is this thought combined with the thought my the fear my children now live with that causes me to cry myself to sleep at night and wake up crying through the night.. And so, Mr. Thief, I hope for you, I pray for you. I hope that one day something stirs in your heart that allows to know in a deep and tangible way something of the intangible things you stole from my children. But most of all, Mr. Thief, I hope and pray for your redemption, your freedom and your happiness.

While I cry, Mr. Thief, may you be blessed.