Entering 2012

We had a very weird entry to 2012 on a number of levels. Shortly after midnight in the first few minutes of 2012, my children ran out into the street to yell Happy New Years! etc... Now this year, we stayed home. Jeff had his first shindig which included three of his friends. At midnight they and my other 2 were outside. Within minutes, they were back home plus one. While they were outside celebrating, they found a dog that was spooked by the fireworks, running loose, he ran into a fence and fell over. Well with my bleeding hearts crew, that was not going to stand. We HAD to rescue this poor pup. He was going to starve or freeze, don't you know. And he had to be on the deck else he may run away. And he had to be in the doghouse else he'd freeze. So I told the boys to bring the doghouse up to the deck but it was too heavy. So MOM he HAS to be in the house or he'll freeze. So in he came and when I saw that Honey and Kesler would going crazy with playing, down to the no longer needed puppy room he went.  So he stayed there all night and morning came. And now we have to feed him, and walk him and etc etc. So we did, he refused food, and I proceeded to try and figure out what I was going to do with him. He had a license tag (thank goodness) but the phone number took us to the tax office. Plum out of luck and what was I going to do?

I tried the SPCA no answer. Then I remembered. Down on Prairie Ave. by the dyke, is an animal rescue operation. Out of nowhere else to go, I phoned them. They were open!!!! I was calling to see if they could take him, but they fortunately had his license on file and could phone the owner. So they did and I received a phone call. Not long after, Magnum's owner came to pick him up and gave me quiet a handsome reward.

If this were a dream............

In other news, right after the New Year I had to visit my bank. While I was at the teller, I asked a casual question. The next thing I know I am being ushered into the office of the small business manager. We sit and chat, she hears my story and decides that I am her girl. She quickly gets my business name through the search and registration, and tells me to come back when I get the confirmation approval. So I wait and with two days, the confirmation email came in. They have approved my first choice of business name. In I go and the next thing  I know she is registering my business. Now my minimal funds were inaccessible and my visa was maxed. So my banker says: how about I put it on my Visa, you go withdraw the money and give it to me. WOW, I though and off we go. As I sit here, I am currently waiting for the small business to be registered and I will be a small business owner. Many long awaited dreams are coming to pass.

If this were a dream..............

The last thing that has kicked started my new year. This year has already been a year full of creative favor. In one day, two sets of lyrics were written, I have a meeting to co write a screen play, a third set of lyrics is brewing and opportunity seems to be presenting itself. Creativity is something that I have delved in for all of my life. And since my camera was stolen, it has been very heavy on my heart. I have had some prophecy around writing but my creative bent seems to encompass more than that.

If this were a dream..........

And lastly, I am sitting here listening to a Bethel sermon, which is full of prophecy for the new year. The prophecy spoken was this: "This is a year of breakthrough and favor. It is a year for the Body." If you know of the horror of my last year, then you know that this is a year when I need breakthrough and favor. So Lord, as I begin this year, I receive Your word that this year will be one of breakthrough for me in all areas; finances, relationships, family. And that I stand in your favor. Thank you for all you have done and all you are doing.

Leaving 2011

So 2011 is over and I must say I am more than pleased. Let's be real, it was a crazy tough year for me and my little crew. I have been doing a lot of pondering as this new year has dawned, about life and our lives and where it is headed and what is left behind. I knew I had to write something and yet I didn't know exactly how to start. So I think what I am going to do in this post is a thankful list, instead of a rehashing of the horror we lived. Throw in some what 2011 gave us and showed us.

1) The first very obvious: a new house, under horrific circumstances but 2011 gave us a new house.
2) The ability for Missy to enter a girls empowerment course, which brought new friends.
3) Jeff turning 16, which brought new maturity levels and responsibility
4) A deepening and vitally important relationship with my love
5) A sense of family for my children over Christmas
6) A sense of family for my children day to day
7) A male role model that my children can be mentored by
8) A lack of creativity causing a burst in the New Year
9) Missy turning 13, and my ability to give her a party of her dreams
10) Jamie re-entering acting
11) The kids being able to have puppies and an adorable new furfriend in our family
12) The reawakening of old friendships
13) Testing of my moral integrity with victory over some critical battles.

I am sure there are/were more when I originally thought of this post, but at this point this is all I can think of as there have been many things happening in 2012 already which will be my next blog.

Dear Jesus,

So I don't even know how to start this. I know that some people reading this will assume that I have been negligent or irresponsible with what you have given me, and maybe that's true. But right now? Right now, I am asking that you look past the sins of the forefathers and look to the wishes and desires of my children's heart. And maybe some Christians will condemn me and say this is simply what I rightly deserve having left their dad, and yet, both you and I know that if I stayed there I'd be dead right now.

But here's the thing. It's Christmas. And due to circumstances beyond my control and despite me having done the just thing, I am without family to celebrate Christmas with. Despite my carefully laid plans of ways to gain some extra cash to help make ends meet, I am still left without the ability to pay off bills, buy food, finish buying presents and no family to celebrate Christmas with.

I was invited to spend Christmas with a family in AB. It would have been a wonderful Christmas. We would have had snow on Christmas morning, and people to celebrate Christmas with, people that cared and celebrated who my children are. People that would have showered my children in the love and affection that they don't rightly get from their own blood.

But I cannot give them that. I can barely give them food for the table and a roof over their head. I can barely meet their day to day needs, let alone give them a dream.

And so Lord, I ask that as you look down on us this Christmas, can you see a way to make a Christmas dream come true for my kids? I promise in the New Year, I will put my shoulder back to the grindstone. I will sacrifice myself in order to make up for this.

I guess, Lord, what I am asking is for some grace and mercy here. And a Christmas miracle.

Thanks,

just me the single mom

Christmas and Birthdays

For those of you watching my fb account, you will see a number of pictures of Christmas in my new house. All of them include stockings hung by the chimney with care. There is a reason for my insanity. You see, when I was little, we read and were read "The Night Before Christmas." Our book had beautiful pictures of tow headed children in onesie pajamas with the button flap at the bum reaching on tip toe to hang their stocking on a fireplace that housed a roaring, snappping, crackling fire. This was my version of Norman Rockwell. And so it was birthed in me. My dream to have that picture, for me and as I got older for my children.

Christmas was always a magical time for me. Yet don't think, that it was without trauma. One Christmas we woke to news of a beloved friend's passing, unjustly I might add. One Christmas, saw a major war between my parents that resulted in anger and yelling and screaming and tears and the inevitable silent treatment and tension thick enough to slice with a knife. And yet, Christmas remained magical.

And now as an adult, come Nov 1, Christmas music plays at my house. Come the first Sat in Dec, we have a tree decorating day and night with movies, music and treats. My children are somewhat sick of it all, at least some of them are, but I make them participate? Why? Because Christmas is magical for me.

And now I digress for a bit. The magicalness of Christmas is mirrored in birthdays for me. Many of you have seen pictures on my fb of the somewhat insane birthday parties I throw for my kids. And yet again, there is a method to my insanity. I have hosted such birthday parties as: Jedi knight training party, sword and the stone party, a live version of Clue, a Mani Pedi party, a wine and cheese party, a backwards party, a princess party, a limo driven night on the town party a survivor party. Many times people look at me and shake their heads at me, thinking I am simply crazy without a cure. Again, all done intentionally with purpose.

For you see, when I was but a wee one, birthdays and Christmas were my days. And by that I mean that they were the only days I got to be somebody. For 2 days, out of 365, I was celebrated, I was rejoiced in, I was honoured, I was loved.  The other 363 days I was hurt, abused, emotionally beat on, used for whatever purpose saw fit at the time, downtrodden, ignored, devalued, terrorized, bullied, forgotten and un-noticed. I was a nothing. Except for two days. For two days I was a something.

And so my insanity is two fold. From a wee one, I learned to live in the quiet celebration of those two days. I say quiet because the days leading up met with the descriptives above. But internally, I was anticipating, dreaming, fantasizing, and celebrating. I created my own internal anticipatory celebration of the two days I got to be a SOMETHING. And then the day, the magical, wondrous, dreamlike day arrived for me!!! I got to BE!!!!!

And I carried this with me. Yet now, as an adult, my celebration does not have to remain hidden and internal. I run my house and so, I can celebrate externally, I get to hold onto the fact that I get to BE!!!! Until normalcy sets in and I go back to being a nothing.

And I do it for my kids. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they ARE! And who they ARE is beyond descriptive words. And so I plan their parties with them and the anticipation grows and they see the effort I put in and they KNOW. They are SOMETHING!!!!! They are VALUABLE and WORTHY and LOVED BEYOND MEASURE!!!!!!!!!! They see me plan Christmas, with anticipation of their joy. And they KNOW. THEY ARE SOMETHING!!!! Part of this comes from my stuff. I know that. Part of it does come from what I never got to experience and yet, part of this comes from me trying to ensure that the good in their lives stays and the bad falls away. I know we are not supposed to, as parents, live vicariously through our children. But I can't help but wonder, if in this case, is it such a bad thing?

Walking Dead

Before I post this, I need to post a preface. There are a few of you that will understand on a very integral level what exactly this means. To the rest, I hope that these words strike a chord and give you hope!

Walking Dead
 We walk amongst the living
Flesh wrappings are our dress
We look and speak and sound the same
Our hearts no longer in our chest

We are the walking dead
Living, breathing lies,
Fleshly robes around us,
Emptiness in our eyes

Should you listen carefully,
Take notice of our words
You'll find although we speak the same,
Our meanings are not heard

Should you stop and look
You'll see we look like you
But if you dig down deep enough
There's nothing further from the truth

For you see our chests beat empty
Bloodied tears fall from our eyes
If you listen carefully
We're walking, breathing lies.
Walking dead

Acting an all things creative

So, I have just recently signed Jamie back up for acting classes, we did his headsots, signed the contracts and away we go.

Now we have been in this game many times before. It's an interesting "hurry up and wait" scenario And can be very frustrating but that's when it pays to be a "reader." It's interesting, this business and the politics that go with it. For those of you that know Jamie, he is quite a charismatic soul. And he is the clown of our family. So it makes a natural cross over to acting. But as soon as you do this, the warnings come about child actors. Don't let them do this, make sure they don't do that.

I really do understand the concern. It's a dangerous world and a lot of that, for whatever reason becomes centralized in the film industry. So I really do understand the concern. One thing I am curious about though, is how everyone who gives the advice must think I am a complete moron and incompetent parent to not know the dangers in the industry. But I guess it is what it is.

Well, Jamie and I were watching a movie, a kids movie although I forget what it is at the moment....hold on checking with the kids.......Starstruck is the title. So Jamie and I were watching Starstruck and he turns and says to me. Mom...don't ever let that happen to me. I don't want all that.

I had not prompted this, but suffice it to say, I was thrilled and proud to hear him say it. In a sense, Jamie saw some of the dangers of this business and asked to be kept from it. Which makes me realize my son is a little wiser than I thought, and makes me a little more confident about entering this business.

Throw Away Girl

Throw Away Girl

She looked at him with pleading eyes

Would he see through her disguise?

One moment when her guard was down

The pasted smile to hide the frown

Chorus: She’s a throw away girl

That no one sees

A throw away girl

A living disease

Externally, she’s light and bright

Nothing to betray her fight

She laughs and giggles life away

Hoping praying someone would stay

No one sees gut wrenching tears

From her heart that bleeds her fears

A life of charm, the Midas touch

No one knows her hidden crutch

Will you be the one to know?

The life of hell beneath the glow?

Will you be the one to stand?

Walk beside, hold her hand?

©Kristie de Jong Nov. 2011