An Enigma Wrapped Up in an Anomaly

Alright, as any good psychology student before we get into the meat of this, we need to define our terms.

Dictionary.com defines enigma as a person of puzzling or contradictory character.

Further more Dictionary.com defines anomaly as:
 an inconsistency or incongruity

Some of you may have heard me say this, in fact I KNOW that some of you have. Within the last year or so, I have begun to refer to myself as an enigma wrapped up in an anomaly. So if we go by our definitions that means, I am a person of puzzling or contradictory character wrapped up in inconsistency or incongruity. What a mouthful. And yet...

For many years, in fact for 32 of my 36 years, I was the person who shaped herself into what those around her either wanted or demanded. If people wanted something, I became it. For you see, life taught me early on that my worth was in what I could do or provide for people. But, as everyone is different, that changed. I became something of a shape shifter. Whatever shape was demanded or desired but the people that I was currently in company with was what I became. The result is, I lost who I was in the process.

That seems to be something of an oxymoron. How could I lose myself if I have previously identified myself as being something akin to a shape shifter? Well, here's the kicker. When you continually become whatever someone else wants you to be, you end up not knowing who YOU are because you end up being so many things.

BUT...........

Since my split, I have been able to discover who I am. So who is that you ask? And rightfully so. Well, who I am is almost undefinable. I cannot find words for it here, if I could I would write them to you. But what I do know is this. Life taught me to be many things to many different people and often times those things either a) don't make sense to anyone but me and/or, b) don't make sense in the day to day world. I think differently. That has been identified by many people. I have insight and wisdom that most cannot comprehend. This is not to prideful or arrogant, it is what has been identified in me by external sources. I see things differently therefore I react differently. And oftentimes, it puzzles people and they are left to wondering how and why to make sense of it all. What may work in one situation, may not, or likely will not, work in another situation, given the context differs. No two people or situations are the same which means that things could be diametrically opposite but the same thing.

Because of this, people can't make sense of me and often question me. And yet, if they choose to sit with me awhile and listen to what I have to say with an open mind and willing to set aside their preconceived notions, they may find that I make sense.

It's an odd conundrum to be me. I sit in a position where I am seen as being puzzling and inconsistent. But you know what? I am ok with that. I am ok with being an enigma wrapped up in an anomaly.  And you know why? Because I can finally be me. It's been a fight to be me, no it has been an all out war. There have been many decisions that I know in my deepest recesses that have been right but because they did not fall into the norm they were not only questioned but openly and brazenly attacked with the goal of undermining my credibility. It has cost me a ton, to be me. In fact, I have lost what most cannot fathom. Was it worth it? You tell me......would the freedom to be yourself, in all your faults and in all your amazing qualities be worth it? Would the freedom to be who you were destined to be without fear of judgment be worth it? Can you put a price tag on that?

I can. It cost me my reputation. It almost cost me my career. For a time, it cost me my children. It cost me the faces of those I love (d?).  It cost me pain unfathomed as I looked around me and came to the conclusion that what remained was God and me. It cost me anguish untold. It cost me tears, sleepless nights, days of living in fear for what was around the next corner, it cost me peace for the years I had none, it cost me lonely dark nights in the depths of unrelenting despair, it cost me nights of lying awake while tears soaked my pillow and brought warmth to my body, it  cost me days of hypervigilance, it cost me constantly checking over my shoulder for what might materialize, it cost me a near breaking of my spirit and an unrelenting invasion of my soul.

Step back, be objective, would that be worth it to you? And yet, those words above are a paltry description of toll it has cost me. So, in all the inferiorness of the words described above, would it be worth it to you? I cannot answer that for you, only you can.

I can tell you one thing, from this perspective it was worth it. In the moment? Not on your life. The pain felt unbearable. I thought it would kill me. It nearly did. The utter complete and desolating loss of what my world consisted of, the only me I knew, all gone at the stroke of one hand. And yet, had that stroke not occurred, had those events not happened, I would remain unaware of who I am.

And yet, on this side of it, it was worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, when I wish things were different, when I wish the loss was not so great, when the cross was not so heavy to carry. But it has allowed me this: it has allowed me to find me, to be me, and to discover that miracle of all miracles, I can be loved.

So where does that put me. It continually frames me as an enigma wrapped up in an anomaly. I don't make sense to people and that's ok by me. Because bottom line is that, for once, i am being true to being me.

So if being an enigma wrapped up n anomaly is what defines me, then I love it, for finally this enigma wrapped up in an anomaly is finally being true to who she is.

Take it or leave it, it is ME