Empty Heart, Empty Arms

So two days ago marks a 4 year anniversary for me. And to be honest, it is a bittersweet one. Four years ago, I set out on a path that changed my life, at the time it was a good decision.  And it still is a good decision, what makes it bittersweet is that I am not where I picture myself. Four years ago, as I set on this journey, I imagined finishing up my grad school education with a degree in front of me. Well, due to other circumstances, that is put off for another year. Four years ago, I pictured having a significant other in my life, likely being married and hopefully onto, or at least planning on, finishing my family. And yet, that too remains elusive.....hard to see your dreams and goals crumble.

What makes this more poignant and difficult, is that there is a slew of friends on my fb, that have either just had babies, are having babies or are getting married. Additionally, there are friends who have been going through difficult life circumstances, and save a few, most of them have found resolution and have been brought out of that desert season, something I desperately long for, but something that seems more and more remote with each passing day. I joke (not so much) that I am living on an expiration date here and that date is fast approaching.

So where does this leave me? Begging, crying, screaming and having an all out argument with God as to where my inheritance is? And where is my destiny? You promised me a rich and abundant life God, and so far that is not here. You know I seek You, You know how much I long to hear You, and yet, repeatedly it feels like You turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to my cries.

My heart breaks, daily now, in fact minute by minute I feel one more piece breaking off. I'm frantic to gather the tiniest pieces up, to hold them, save them, set them aside for a time when I can put the pieces back together and yet they slip away and out of my reach. I can no longer put this heart back together and so I watch helplessly, despairingly as the pieces break and fall away.

Where is my hope Lord, where are my promises? Why are they not coming true and how can you ask more of me when there is nothing left save an empty heart and empty arms.....where once I held my hope and dreams......