Make Me A Channel of Your Peace

I remember being 11 years old. I was to do a profession of your faith. What that meant in the CRC was that I would stand before the congregation and defend my faith, as to why I was old enough, wise enough, mature enough to make this choice. I remember scouring the scriptures, desperate to find something that I could speak on, desperate for a word from God.

And I found it. It was one of two times in my life that I felt a portion of the Bible jump out at me (the other time when I was contemplating leaving my x). I thought I bookmarked it. But I didn't. I remember wanting to share it with my dad but I couldn't find it. So instead I shared this:

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your
love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in
you.

Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring
hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Chorus:

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal
life.


Years later, the concept of life verses. I was desperate for one. Little did I realize. In fact I was haunted by the fact that I didn't have one. And a few short months ago, I realized. I don't have a life verse. I have a life prayer. And it is this prayer: The Prayer of St. Francis of Assissi. The very same one that I spoke on when I was 11. The very cry of a little girl's heart. That was, no that is, my life verse. 


Life has been a shitload of hell. I refuse to pull punches, to sugar coat it, or to stand on Christian Political Correctness. I will call it as I see it. And my life has been one of hell, where I have walked into hell and come out, where I have seen and witnessed things that you cannot conceive of in your worst nightmares or horror movies. 


I have often wondered why. Is this prayer the answer to my "why?" NO! But it does allow me to understand what God has done with my hell.


I have not yet graduated. And yet, I see clients. And those clients report back to my supervisors and sing my praises? Gloating? NO! But rather glorifying God. For you see, when I was a small child, I did not know what I was praying/singing when I sang those words at my profession of faith. But God did. And He used all my experiences whilst holding me tight when I gave up, in order to bring in freedom to souls imprisoned. He heard the prayer of a little 11 year old girl and redeemed her life, in order to bring freedom to those He loves and glory to Him.


Today I was reminded of my life verse/song/prayer in a very poignant way. Does it mean the hell that I consistently wake up to is easy? Do I accept it with grace? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO a thousand times NO! But what I do know is this: God will continue to redeem it and use it. My life has been smacked with much lately. So much so that I don't think I can hold on. And yet, in those moments, I am reminded of this song. And this song soothes my soul because above all, I want to bring freedom and restoration and hope. I want to be the voice to those whom have had their voice stolen. I want to restore innocence. I want to redeem. I want to see freedom. I want to see joy. Not just for myself. My heart breaks and is broken every day for those I meet who are imprisoned but desperately crying for someone to listen, someone to show them the freedom they deserve, someone to even believe they are worth being loved and free. 


I know Hell. I walked into it. By God's grace I walked out. And I promise you this: it is my life's goal/mission/destiny to walk back in and carry the lost, the young, the vulnerable, the innocent and the broken back out. No one soul is not worth my walk back into hell, for it means their freedom. 


 Listen