A rant about reading

So as most of you know, I am getting my MA in psychology. I have a few friends with whom when I get together our conversations always run to the deep side of things. These conversations have to be stopped after about 6 hours simply because it gets far to late (think 12, 1 am) and we need to get some sleep. The time spent typically goes something like this. We grab a bite and start talking and then finish up wherever we are, move on to getting a coffee or tea and sit there and chat for a couple of hours and then end up driving around or sitting in a park and continueing said conversation. We had one of these conversations recently and talked all manner of psychological things. And I found myself embroiled in a bit of an inner battle. This friend had mentioned that he reads a lot of self help books, and to be honest, a lot of them in my opinion are a bit of a fad, they come and make this supposedly profound insight , get a lot of media attention and then disapper....think The Secret. That book brought positive thinking to the forefront of the world claiming some magical power to attract good things to you. Bottom line of it is: if you have a positive outlook on life, positive people want to be in your life and you see life from a paradigm of being positivitiy as opposed to negativity. It really is nothing earth shattering.

This friend of mine brought up another book that had much the same impact titled "The power of now." This book had much the same impact as The Secret. Everyone is reading it and raving about it and how it has changed their life. What is the book about? Immediacey. Living in the present moment and not kiving in the past nor living in the what if's of the future. Nothing too earth shattering. And yet, with the press it gets it would seem to have rocked the world. My friend and I discussed this book. My take? Well I had a few reactions. First, I gave the book credit to the concept, albeit its nothing new. And I said that yes, its a good idea. And then I qualified my answer and said....."however, most people's behaviours stem from past areas in which they have been wounded. Therefore, their past impacts them in their daily life. To dismiss their past and to only an soley focus on the present is a form of deinal which perpetuates the areas of wounding that they suffer in. The author claims that past issues won't affect you if you remain living in the present and not worry about the future. Again, this is a bit of a fallacy. Let's face it: everyone has undergone pain in this life. If your actions stem out of that and you develop maladaptive ways of coping, that will carry on through your life and will impact you in this present moment. To simply live in this moment, right now, is a form of denial and will be used as such in order to not deal with those areas. However, that pain in the past will still impact you.

On a further note, if you live only for this moement right here and right now, what about dreams? and goals? and hopes? Those are life giving things. If we live in this moment and only this moment, then we deny ourselves the pleasure of those things. Those dreams and goals and hopes for the future are often what keep us going when we come up against it hard. If we live only for the moment that we are presently in, we give up a large source of pleasure in our lives for there is no point to dreaming.

The third portion of this is: i get very frustrated when i see a book like this written by someone, perhaps with good intentions, perhpas not, who makes a ton of money selling a fad like this without actually thinking through what he is saying. There are far too many hurting people these days who are looking for something to ease the pain. Books such as these, often times written by unqualified people are being entirely unethical. Many people don't take the time to think these things through and instead jump on the bandwagon for it seems an easy answer to their pain and the authors who perpetuate such books, as far as I am concerned behave in an unethical manner, for they are giving an supposed quick fix to someone's pain without giving full thought to the impact that it may have. Knowledge in the hands of the wrong people can be a dangerous thing. People are craving help and will get it in the form of self help books and it is books such as these that in my humble opinion have the potential to do much much damage to the hurting soul.

thanks for reading my rant

The question remains........

So today I sit. Me and my chidren have successfully navigated another Thanksgiving, somewhat family less. I am grateful for my brother and my lovely sister in law who welcomed us into their home to celebrate. It made it easier on my kids to have family around. More like a holiday. My brother and sister in law got a glimpse of what it is like to live my life with my children and I think that they got a good sense of it. They spent a good portion of our time giggling at my kids. It was a good bonding experience for the kids thats for sure!

And so now back to the grind. I am becoming adept at managing a professional life on the go as I go about holidays etc etc. It was an interesting experience and one that realy showed me that as I move more into the professional world my boundaries are going to need to be stricter about work time and off time. The amount of information that was poured into me this weekend simply via email is crazy.

However, there was an incident which sturck home deep in my heart this morning. Whilst allowing the  members to remian nameless, it once again became apparent that I am the black sheep. It was a hard pill to swallow for it became obvious that in the eyes of specific people I am the downfall of my family. I am the unloved one for lack of better terminology. For whatever, reason, my family has turned against me and chosen a position of not loving me. And if they claim to love me, their actions belie their words. I find it a bit of a conundrum for my position in my family was the helper. I could be counted on to do what was needed.  Maybe thats the key. I was loved on a performance basis. I was loved because of what I did in my family or origin, not for who I am. And as I reflect on my marriage, much was the same, as long as his needs and wants were met then all was good and I was accepted. If not, then I wasn't.

Then I reflect on some other relationships and some fell apart for reasons i simply cannot fathom. Lying and deception  were involved however. That seems to be par for the course. Most of these relationships involved lying, deceit and manipulation.

I mentioned to my life coach that it seems to be that my thorn in the flesh is to live a loveless life. Not sure how and/or if that is manageable. And the logical part of my mind sits here and says 'don't be ridiculous, you were made to love and be loved. God made you to be in relationship with others and Himself.' And the other part of me that feels gives up hope that having someone who will love me for me will ever happen.

And so I sit, and I ponder and I wonder. Not sure which way to go and how to facilitate movment, in this. What I do know is that I have acumulated many defense mechanisms that will enable me defend against this but as we all know, that is nto a healthy way to go. That is simply ensuring I have more of my own work to do. Not a smart option.

So the question remains how do I ensure that I heal form this without building up stronger defences?

Thanksgiving

To be honest, I have mixed emotions about this weekend. For a variety of reasons.

I have many things to be thankful for and yet I have many things for which I still grieve and for which I find difficult. I came through an extrememly difficult first year of my MA. Most people don't know the extend of the suffering that I endured last year. I overcame and I conquered and I did so with mostly A's in my courses. I have a huge house for my kids, they each have their own bedroom and we have a big back yard. My son has seen incredible strides in his recovery. Nothing can be more gratifying than seeing your child come to health. My thesis is exciting. I have met a wonderful life coach who has become a huge support for me. My church family is wonderful and a huge support. My kids are with me. I get to spend the weekend with my brother. I have a car of my dreams and I have interesting opportunities opening up to me. A new found relatonship from an unlikely source

However, i greive separation from my family. This shows no signs of improvement. I miss havign a partner. It's been thre years and it gets harder not easier. The holiday are the worst because that is when you would be close to a partner and I don't. It's hard on the kids not having the huge family thanksgiving dinner. That makes it hard to manage and to keep them from dwelling on their loss. Its increasingly difficult as well in that i struggle with not dwelling on it.

Now at first glance, my thankful list is longer. And yet I feel the grief list more. I was going to say that thats because the things on my grief list are closer to my heart but thats not entirely true. The angst that my son experienced for years as close to my heart and that has abated. So there are things that are close to my heart to be thankful for, but my heart still hurts

So this thanksgiving as you have your spouses around you, and as you have your families around you, don't forget to be thankful that you have those things around you for not all of us have the luxury that you do of being able to look in the eyes of someone who loves you and know that your world is safe.

An Unlikely Alliance

I have had some new encounters with people lately, and I must say, I am encountering a most unlikely alliance. I find myself pleasantly puzzled by the formation of friendship that has quite taken me by surprise and that I would not have fathomed. And I find that I am quite pleased with and enjoying the company and the conversations with a new found friend. This certain individual (she knows who she is) has been very helpful in a lot of ways and I am finding that we are forming a bond despite the odds. I find that I am very appreciative for this opportunity. It grants me some peace of mind and it is turning into a relationship that I value, but again, it is the most unlikey of alliances.

Although,, for privacy sake, I do not feel comfortable revealing the identity of this friend, I do want to as publicly as I can say, thank you. I want you to know, how much I appreciate you. I am glad that circumstances have opened doors for us to get to know each other and form a friendship. I also understand that it may have been a difficult thing to reach out a hand and to trust me. I understand the risk that that may have posed and I honour you for taking it, for trusting me despite the odds. You have a beautiful heart and I thank you for showing it to me.

Looks can be decieving

I must say it certainly is an interesting dilemna.  I guess on some level, I don't look like I am an intelligent person. And yes I know for a fact that I am. And even if I didn't know it, the evidence is overwhelming and really cannot be disputed. However, by all appearances, people treat me as if I am just your run of the mill person. I find that it certainly can be frustrating at times, for people underestimate me and do not take me seriously about things that I know both intellectually and intuitively. I am not the type of person to flaunt something like that but if you were to engage me in conversation of meaning, then you would find that I am a highly intelligent person.

I am puzzled by this. Is it that I look like I'm a bimbo? or is it because I refuse to flaunt my intelligence? It certainly creates some interesting interpersonal dynamics. And to be truthful, I am not entirely sure what to do with this except for what I am doing........which really is nothing. I have enough grace for others to allow them whatever it is that they need, be it dismissive of my intelligence, be it the need for them to be right...whatever it is, I have enough grace for others that I let it go and do not make an issue of it.

But lately it seems to be grating on me. And perhaps that i s because my own identity is undergoing and upheaval right now. I find that I am starting to step into and walk in who I am meant to be. The person that I see that to be is elegant, classy and a professional. One who leaves ripples of impact behind. One who has wisdom and intuition and uses that for the healing of others. Perhaps that is why this is an issue for me right now, because I see some of who I am becoming and yet I am still surrounded by people who do not seem to take me seriously. It's almost like, they want to keep me locked into this place where they are comfortable with me being. But I myself am longer comfortable in those positions as I see myself as moving and stepping into a portion of who i was created to be.

It was once said to me that relationships can only remain as they are for a period of about 2 to 3 years, for after that people evolve into something different. But not everyone can accepts that. And so what I am finding, is that some are getting left behind. As I move further up and further in to becoming me, i find that there are some people in my life that are getting left behind and some are going to be left behind. That sounds harsh, and it's not. It simply is a natural evolution to change. As I step more fully into who i am, my interests will change and my tastes will change. That will entail that there will be relationships that fall by the wayside. It's different, it's interesting, it's comfortable and yet it's uncomfortable and I am not yet convinced

With knowledge comes power.....

Today I am off to school for a meeting and to g et my DSM-IV. Some say just anoother book. Not for me. I feel a great weight of responsibility as I venture off to get what is known as the "bible" of psychology. For herein lies the descriptions of all mental illness.

This prompted a discusson amonsgt myself and a colleague. Ethics. counsellors/psychologists have huge ethical responsibilities. We hold the hearts of our clients and have ben granted the privilege of entering into places in their lives, where the typical individual does not get invited. The honour of that leaves me in awe, most days. Yet our ethical standard does not stop there. Doctors have the hippocratic oath. We have one phrase that encompasses so much of everything "Do No Harm." It is the mandate by which we practice.

This too encompasses what we do with the DSM-IV. Many think that is is simply a book. But used unethically the DSM-IV in the wrong hands, can destroy people. An interesting debate that occurred recently in class was the pros and cons of labelling. Should we diagnose our clients,thus labelling them and perhaps trapping them into assuming that the diagnosis becomes their identity? Or do we diganose our clients, label them in order to bring freedom. For with knowledge comes power and once we understand the specifics of the issues a client is struggling with, we can then be proactive about their healing.

It is a fine line to walk........

Another ethical concern is the undergrad student. Oftentimes, when an undergrad student enters the program, out of some waylaid desire to help they end up entering into a time of self-diagnosing and diagnosing others around them. This has been known to destroy relationships.

Earlier I stated with knowledge comes power. That statement is not a stand alone statement, However, many people dismiss the follow up portion: "With power comes great responsibility"  As undergrads grow and mature with their program, they begin to understand the dangers of the misuse of the DSM-IV. They understand the destructive power of the knowledge they hold and one would hope that they would understand the great responsibility that they carry.

Which brings me to ethics. In my second to last semester, I am required to take an ethics course. I wonder at that. Not at the value of that for when you are holding a heart, being ethical is integral. I choose the word being as opposed to operating for if it is something that I "operate" in as opposed to "be" I am being unethical in my ethics. Considering the power of teh DSM-IV and the tendency of psych students to start diagnosing everyone within their vicinity once they enter grad school and/or undergrad, I wonder if this course is something that should be required earlier on, in order to set the bar higher for students to ensure that as they enter this field, they start to live in a manner of ethical responsibility.

With knowledge comes power, for ill or good. With power comes great responsibility, use it wisely.

OEI

Recently, a situation came across my lap which triggered some trauma that although I had thought I had done my process work in this situation, it turns out that I had not. I have been exposed to a trauma therapy called Organized Experential Integration. A brief outline: when we undergo trauma, unless immediately processed, it gets stored and frozen in your brain. Post trauma when we undergo a similar experience, it reminds us of previous trauma and we react in a way that is far too "large" for the current situation. This is because the previous trauma had not been worked through and processed. Instead, we can think of it getting locked in a trauma  closet in our brain. When we encounter a similar situation, the doors of the closet get re-opened. However, these same doors are what keeps our brains from porcessing it as it normally would, say in a state of REM sleep.

OEI is a form of therapy for trauma in which the client focusses their mind on the traumatic event. The thearapist engages in a series of hand movements. With one eye covered, the client tracks the hand movements of the therapist with the remaining open eye. The therapist is able to discover, where the trauma is locked because your eye movement will not be smooth. It will stop and jump over the point of trauma. With the client still tracking the hand movements of the therapist, the therapist massages, in a manner of speaking, the point of trauma until the sweeping eye movments become smooth without stops of jumps.

An additional technique of OEI is switching which is covering one eye and guaging your emotional state and then uncovering it and covering the other eye and guaging your emotional state, By quickly covering and uncovering each eye alternately, one can equalize and negative emotions and increase the positive emotions, In a very minimal way starting the processing procedure.

So yesterday I felt the full assualt of grief that I had previously thought I dealt with. Today i was sitll feeling  some of that grief, so i engaged in the swtiching technique and managed to bring some peace in. Why do I tell you? Because for those who have undergone trauma and are afraid of reliving any of those experiences in thearpy, there is hope. You can do this in a safe way wihtout beinig retraumatized. There is hope and there is freedom. That is something that I learned from this expereince over the past day



CAUTION: PLEASE DO NOT ATTMEPT TO TRY THIS BY YOURSELF. CARE NEEDS TO BE ENGAGED IN AND SUPPORT SYSTEMS IN PLACE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PROCESS ANY TRAUMA. IF YOU FIND YOU ARE IN SUCH A POSITION WHERE YOU NEED TO SEEK HELP, CALL YOUR LOCAL MENTAL HELP LINE AND THEY CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH NUMBERS. ADDITIONALLY, CALL FRASER RIVER COUNSELLING AT 604-513-2113 FOR OEI THERAPY.