Thanksgiving

To be honest, I have mixed emotions about this weekend. For a variety of reasons.

I have many things to be thankful for and yet I have many things for which I still grieve and for which I find difficult. I came through an extrememly difficult first year of my MA. Most people don't know the extend of the suffering that I endured last year. I overcame and I conquered and I did so with mostly A's in my courses. I have a huge house for my kids, they each have their own bedroom and we have a big back yard. My son has seen incredible strides in his recovery. Nothing can be more gratifying than seeing your child come to health. My thesis is exciting. I have met a wonderful life coach who has become a huge support for me. My church family is wonderful and a huge support. My kids are with me. I get to spend the weekend with my brother. I have a car of my dreams and I have interesting opportunities opening up to me. A new found relatonship from an unlikely source

However, i greive separation from my family. This shows no signs of improvement. I miss havign a partner. It's been thre years and it gets harder not easier. The holiday are the worst because that is when you would be close to a partner and I don't. It's hard on the kids not having the huge family thanksgiving dinner. That makes it hard to manage and to keep them from dwelling on their loss. Its increasingly difficult as well in that i struggle with not dwelling on it.

Now at first glance, my thankful list is longer. And yet I feel the grief list more. I was going to say that thats because the things on my grief list are closer to my heart but thats not entirely true. The angst that my son experienced for years as close to my heart and that has abated. So there are things that are close to my heart to be thankful for, but my heart still hurts

So this thanksgiving as you have your spouses around you, and as you have your families around you, don't forget to be thankful that you have those things around you for not all of us have the luxury that you do of being able to look in the eyes of someone who loves you and know that your world is safe.