My dad

So my dad is coming. In fact he should be here as I write this. Me and the kids will see him on Sunday. And to be honest I look to that with mixed emotions. For you see, my dad and I have had, at times, a tenuous relationship at best. Now don't get me wrong, I love my dad and over the past couple years he has shown to be a family member that I know has got my back. For that, no words are adequate. I cannot even begin to describe how much I appreciate that. Many times, I have phoned him in tears, begging for just one person in my family to support me, and my dad stepped up. His words, "I may not agree with what you do, but you are my daughter and that's what matters." Many of you, I am sure, have good relationships with your parents and so what I write is foreign to you. And it wouldn't surprise me in the least, if most of you do not even begin to have a clue as to what it is like, to have your family turn on you. And that's ok. You don't have to understand my experience. Just praise God that my experience is not yours.

So why then do I have mixed emotions? Well, the tenuous part. I am in the process of trying to re-build a good relationship with my dad. We have mutually agreed to not discuss certain things. Now the problem with that is that doesnt mean that hey are dealt with. No, not by any stretch. We have simply chosen to put them on the back burner and not deal with it. And trust me, I know that that is NOT a good way to deal with things. I'm a counselor in training....trust me....I know. And yet, for right now, it is what is working and I do not want to rock the boat. I would hope that one day, either or both of us, would be far enough along in our healing journey that we could discuss these things, for I know that there are wounds on both sides. But that is not for now.

For now, we don't talk of certain things, we try to maintain a good relationship by avoiding the things that we know will cause friction. For now, we talk of easy things and we don't go deep. I try to provide grace for my dad. I try to provide mercy for him, understanding that the behaviours and actions that caused me pain were a result of his wounds. Does that excuse them? No, but it allows for a greater understanding and it allows me to extend grace and mercy toward him instead of harboring anger, resentment, bitterness and hate.

I do hope that one day, we will be able to surpass this. And maybe that comes from simply time and our own healing journeys. At any rate, as I face this Sunday when we will spend the day with him and celebrate his birthday, I hope for an easy day that is not fraught with tension in which we can learn to rediscover and enjoy each other's company again......