Well, its Monday Aug 31st. I sit here looking to what's ahead of me. Another (hopefuly) year of school, my first born moving into high school, my daughter now 11 a preteen, and my baby, well he will always be my baby. I sit back and look where I have been and to be honest? it's a blur. I know that I went through a nasty separation which is not completely over yet, I know I went back to school and finished my BA and graduated. I know I moved, I know that I applied to an MA in program and got in and I know that that year was excrutiating but I got through it. I know I met new friends and hopefully deepened relationships with the ones that are tried and true. I konw I tried to keep the things in my children's lives normal so they would feel the least effects of what my decision has cost them. I know I saw two of my children baptized ( the first already was) and I know that I have seen my prodigal son come home.
I know that there are many victories to be celebrated, although I am fuzzy on the details. And I know that I still grieve the losses. It's an odd place to stand. For my heart and head seem to not want to rest on my victories. Take for instance, my BA. When I originally left school to raise my son, I always wanted to go back and finish my BA and I did! Yay me, right? But it is hollow. And I think that part of that reason was because I didn't forsee myself EVER losing a marraige in order to do so. I had dreamed of getting my MA and I am in the process of doing so. Yay me, right? Well, I'm missing out on a lot of my children's lives as a result of doing so and well, there is no one hear to celebrate that with me. A bit hollow again. Dreams I had since I was a young girl. I have them and they are hollow. What gives? My prodigal is coming home. I have been worried about this one for far longer than I can remember. Yay me, right? Right!. That one isn't hollow, that one brings peace to my heart. I remember days, months and years post split, where I feared forever losing them...thanks to people whose names I will not mention for I am like that, rising above them so to speak. And yet, I have them all in my home, and all of them, even my eldest freely gives affection to me, and cuddles and wants to be with me, and for my prodigal, his eyes have been opened to lies. Yay me, right? Yes praise God for yay, me! I dreamed of being a mom, too when I was little. That was the biggest of my dreams and I am one of those to be sure.
And yet, as I sit here and reflect, I still grieve the other dreams that aren't coming and frankly speaking I don't know if they will. Now God has shown himself to be faithful to me in this last month in some desperate times taht nearly knocked me off my rocker. And he did promise me that at least one of those other dreams would come to pass. But my heart has been disappointed so many times in my life that I am afraid to hope in order to defend my heart against more pain. There remains a longing in my heart for my other half. And yet no prospects on the horizon. Its funny cuz the "dating" life has been wierd for me. I seem to have an ablity to meet men and know within minutes if he is for me. And that's what is happening, I am meeting men and konwing within minutes they are not for me. It does on one hand save a lot of heartache to be sure but it doenst stem the heartache and frustration of doing this life alone. And the men that I do meet that I think there may be an option with? Well, there end up being physical circumstances that make a relationship impossible. So the best I can figure is God is keeping me alone for some reason and to be honest? I HATE IT!!!!!!! It hurts, it'e lonely and it's painful. I had so wished to have someone by my side at my grad to celebrate that success with me. Yes, my children will be there but they don't really understand the cost it took me. And no my family will not be there at their choosing. So I look to celebrating that momentous event....alone.
And then the other dream. TD, if you are reading this please understand that your momentous event just caused some grief to rise up in me is all, and yes I am somewhat envious. There remains in my heart an empty longing to have and to hold another precious little girl. I wondered if that would fade as I grew further and further away from my separation, but alas, it hasn't and to be honest remains as strong as ever. Now I am no dummy and I know that the feasibility of that right now is not workable but as I plod through each day, I am not getting younger and that greif becomes more and more overwhelming.
So I sit here with some victories and some grief. And I know full well the answer, I need to look to GOd to be my hope and my source of happiness etc etc. Just not entirely sure how to get there and what to do when it hurts. I long for the comfort of the Holy Spirit right now. Graham Cooke once said that he relishes times of pain and grief just for the sake of living in the comfort of the Holy Spirit. How I wish I could get there...maybe it wouldnt hurt quite so much, maybe the tears wouldn't fall quite so often..
so i guess this is a form of a prayer as i reach up toward God and beg for some relief for this. but then the thought strikes, i am a daughter in the kingdom, why am i begging. my sonship entitles me to, in full confidence, stand before my father and ask for things. a daughter doesnt' beg for things from her dad, she just goes to him with full confidence in knowing her request will be heard and asks. maybe thats why i struggle here, i didnt get that knowledge with my earthly dad, it was a begging situation, with a hopeful heart that more often that not was disappointed.
and so begins another day and another school year wiht a heart full of greifs and dreams.......
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Today
I find I am sitting at the proverbial fork in the road. Over the past littlle while I have been under an onslaught. This paritcular battle seems to be hitting two target areas in my life. First and foremost it is my identity. I remember at Easter time I had a breakthrough moment. I was wearing this brown fake leather coat with fake fur around the hood and down the bodice where the buttons were. I remember loving that coat. But later, when I first connected with my church, my pastor also had a picture of me wearing that coat. Except this time it wasn't something that was a good thing. In fact, it was keeping me worn down and burdened. It was an identity that was not rightfully mine. I remember during Easter seeing this coat fall off me and Jesus clothed me in a white gown. And for whatever reason, that coat was representative of me having had an abusive past and being a victim. And I was and am no longer that girl. I was dressed in white. Now for those of you that read this that are familiar what the effects of abuse, it makes one feel very dirty and slimy. I used to spend hours in the shower trying to come "clean." And yet there I was dressed in clean, pure white. That was quite a revelation for me and I had almost forgotten it save for my writing this now. And so the question remains again, who am I? How does God see me? and who am I in this season? For in the past few weeks many many things have occurred that have shaken my identity as to who I am in Christ and with what authority I stand. And yet there is a burning desire in me to know in my deepest recesses and I cannot rest without knowing for the other avenues certainly have not and are not working for me.
The second battle is over finances and I am not sure where the root of that is. I only know that when faced with looking at finances and when faced with the possibility of not having money to meet bills at the end of the month, terror strikes in my heart. The ensueing response is greater than the issue at hand so I know that this is bigger than what is before me and there is some form of past wounding regarding this process. What it is, I remain unsure.
So that's where I am today, under the onslaught of my identity and my finances.....so I ask what is my inheritance word for today? Where do stand Lord? What would you have me focus and meditate on today? I think I'll start with worship........
The second battle is over finances and I am not sure where the root of that is. I only know that when faced with looking at finances and when faced with the possibility of not having money to meet bills at the end of the month, terror strikes in my heart. The ensueing response is greater than the issue at hand so I know that this is bigger than what is before me and there is some form of past wounding regarding this process. What it is, I remain unsure.
So that's where I am today, under the onslaught of my identity and my finances.....so I ask what is my inheritance word for today? Where do stand Lord? What would you have me focus and meditate on today? I think I'll start with worship........
identity
So this seems to be the question of the day for me. I think that a fair amount of my struggles and fretting and worrying would be different if I knew deep down the answer to this question, "How does God see me?" I know the standard answers....he sees me as a child of the King, as His princess....I was born and raised in the church but Ihave this need to hear it from Him. To hear Him speak to me what it is He sees about me, what it is that He loves about me and what it is that He likes about me, what makes Him proud to call me His own.
Due to a number of circumstances, I feel somewhat like an orphan. And I know the typical christian response to that is that we are all orphans until we come home and enter into our heavenly Father's home. I know the analogy. But what I speak of runs deeper than that analogy. I have been deserted and abandoned by some of my earthly family and therefore, feel like I battle this world as an orphan. Trust me, it sucks.
And so my pursuit begins. I want more. I want to hear it from the mouth of God Himself. I want to know in the deepest recesses of my being, who I am and how He sees me. It's my heart's pursuit right now...
Due to a number of circumstances, I feel somewhat like an orphan. And I know the typical christian response to that is that we are all orphans until we come home and enter into our heavenly Father's home. I know the analogy. But what I speak of runs deeper than that analogy. I have been deserted and abandoned by some of my earthly family and therefore, feel like I battle this world as an orphan. Trust me, it sucks.
And so my pursuit begins. I want more. I want to hear it from the mouth of God Himself. I want to know in the deepest recesses of my being, who I am and how He sees me. It's my heart's pursuit right now...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
worm theology
One of the first blogs that I posted on here was a copy of something that I had written and put on my facebook account. It dealt with what I termed worm theology. The basic gist of it was that as christians, we have this mentality that we are worthless because of our sin nature and that we are "lucky" to be saved by grace. The picture that comes to my mind that depicts this is that of a beggar who grovels in gratitude that a passer by tossed him a coin or two. And I never really thought that that was a proper interpretation.
Not to say that any of the above is not true. We do have a sin nature and this is turn kept us separated from God. And it is by His grace and His actions on the cross that we are able to enter into His presence. The cross is a central component to what we believe. However, it doesn't stop there, although most Christians seem to think that it does.
I am going to borrow from a book that I am reading titled Classic Christianity written by Bob George. He illustrates it far better than I could. Additionallly I will also be drawing from a sermon that I heard at my church. Thanks Yvette.
Whereas most Christians think that our journey ends at the cross, in all reality, the cross is the beginning. We were created to be spiritually alive but the fall entailed that we become spiritually dead. The cross is what allowed us to be REBORN and brought back to spiritual life. God dealt with our sin at the cross once for all. And it is through the cross that we now are ALIVE. This process is much like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. It starts out as a caterpillar (also referred to as a worm). Through the process of metamorphosis (defined as a change from one state to another state) the worm becomes a butterfly. Now here is the funny part, when we see a butterfly we dòn`t say "Guess what! I saw this good-looking converted worm." No. We see and recognize and call out the beautiful creature that it is. We say "Hey! I saw this butterfly!"
That is what the cross has done for us. Christ's act of taking on the sin of the world once for all, allows us to become metamorphosized (changed from one state to another) to that beautiful butterfly and that is how God sees us. As fully redeemed perfected people. That's what Christ's blood bought for us. God doesn't look to Jesus and say "hey! see that good looking converted person?" No. He says "hey look at that beautiful perfected creature I made."
The problem lies in that we still see ourselves and each other as converted worms. We don't or we refuse to see the beautiful creature that we are. We don't check in wiht our God to see how He sees us. We devalue ourselves and others, we don't call out the treasure that is within each of us, that God designed us to be. Rather, we remain stuck in this worm theology and we continue to see ourselves as the beggar on the side of the street, grateful for the meager coin tossed to him. It really is something akin to the vicitm mentality and it definitely holds us back from walking in the freedome that the cross bought for us.
I think that we need to look at the cross not as the ending point and the end goal, but rather as the starting point for our LIFE! The cross is the beginning, not the end. It is the starting point. It's already been done and taken care of and instead of looking toward the cross, the cross is where we come back to and we venture forward from the cross into the freedom and life that Christ bought for us.
Let's remember to check in with God as to how he sees us and walk in that vision. I know that for myself this is a huge struggle right now. And I also know that there is huge warfare around me doing so. For when I see me as God sees me, when I accept that for what it is, I will walk with a different level of authority. I will walk with a different level of confidence that will bring about a whole new level of freedom for me and for those aroudn me. Satan doesn't want that. He doesn't want me to understand how it is that God views me and that is something that I am warring right now. It's been a grueling process and it still is. And my hope and prayer is that one day soon I will be able to own that vision........
Not to say that any of the above is not true. We do have a sin nature and this is turn kept us separated from God. And it is by His grace and His actions on the cross that we are able to enter into His presence. The cross is a central component to what we believe. However, it doesn't stop there, although most Christians seem to think that it does.
I am going to borrow from a book that I am reading titled Classic Christianity written by Bob George. He illustrates it far better than I could. Additionallly I will also be drawing from a sermon that I heard at my church. Thanks Yvette.
Whereas most Christians think that our journey ends at the cross, in all reality, the cross is the beginning. We were created to be spiritually alive but the fall entailed that we become spiritually dead. The cross is what allowed us to be REBORN and brought back to spiritual life. God dealt with our sin at the cross once for all. And it is through the cross that we now are ALIVE. This process is much like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. It starts out as a caterpillar (also referred to as a worm). Through the process of metamorphosis (defined as a change from one state to another state) the worm becomes a butterfly. Now here is the funny part, when we see a butterfly we dòn`t say "Guess what! I saw this good-looking converted worm." No. We see and recognize and call out the beautiful creature that it is. We say "Hey! I saw this butterfly!"
That is what the cross has done for us. Christ's act of taking on the sin of the world once for all, allows us to become metamorphosized (changed from one state to another) to that beautiful butterfly and that is how God sees us. As fully redeemed perfected people. That's what Christ's blood bought for us. God doesn't look to Jesus and say "hey! see that good looking converted person?" No. He says "hey look at that beautiful perfected creature I made."
The problem lies in that we still see ourselves and each other as converted worms. We don't or we refuse to see the beautiful creature that we are. We don't check in wiht our God to see how He sees us. We devalue ourselves and others, we don't call out the treasure that is within each of us, that God designed us to be. Rather, we remain stuck in this worm theology and we continue to see ourselves as the beggar on the side of the street, grateful for the meager coin tossed to him. It really is something akin to the vicitm mentality and it definitely holds us back from walking in the freedome that the cross bought for us.
I think that we need to look at the cross not as the ending point and the end goal, but rather as the starting point for our LIFE! The cross is the beginning, not the end. It is the starting point. It's already been done and taken care of and instead of looking toward the cross, the cross is where we come back to and we venture forward from the cross into the freedom and life that Christ bought for us.
Let's remember to check in with God as to how he sees us and walk in that vision. I know that for myself this is a huge struggle right now. And I also know that there is huge warfare around me doing so. For when I see me as God sees me, when I accept that for what it is, I will walk with a different level of authority. I will walk with a different level of confidence that will bring about a whole new level of freedom for me and for those aroudn me. Satan doesn't want that. He doesn't want me to understand how it is that God views me and that is something that I am warring right now. It's been a grueling process and it still is. And my hope and prayer is that one day soon I will be able to own that vision........
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The creative mind
Alright, so the time is nwo 12:25 and I am still up. And to behonest this is fairly early for me. For the pst 5 days or so my nights have run into the morning. Healthy? No way. And yet I seem to not be able to rest at night. Lately I have been immersed in the creative subculture exploring all things from photography, photothearpy, musicianship, lyricism, writing and the appreciation of good acting in movies. My mind seems to hae his own concerns right now and it does not include much logic in that plan, thus the insane hours. It is most definitely satisfying a crazy need in me, and I seem to be compelled to explore some of these things but it doesn't leave much time for the concerns of living.
In delving into this subculture, I have had many conversations along the creative mind and how it works and it has left me wondering. The consensus seems to be that the best inspiration and the best work happens in the night hours when most of the world rests and is asleep. I have talked to many different creative types over the last few days and this seems to the norm. I know it remains true for me, oftentimes I am awoken with an inspiration and more often than not I have lyrics running through my head as I drfit to sleep. Which really becomes a pain cuz then I have to get up and write them down and then I wake up again. I know this is true for myd daughter, she came and asked me permission to have pen and paper by her side cuz all her ideas for her songs come to her as she is falling asleep. How could I say no to that? It is the affliction of the creative and I suffer with it alongside her. It seems to be one of those inborn things, if your mind is at all creative then it haunts you in the night.
And so the logical side of my brain decided it had to kick in and figure this out and this is the best that I have come up with so far, and feel free to weigh in. It seems that in the night, when we are supposed to sleep, our minds are freed from the logical concerns of living and the pressures of the day. It can have free rein as nothing that is logical is demanding its attention. It seems that this may be one of the few times, that we allow our mind to go where it will without filtering. That said, for those of us that create, this is then the time that our brains have to be and do what they love without being reined in or shut down to deal with the "more" pressing concerns of living.
And here is additional interesting side note. I write this blog tonight and my brain is tired, the heaviness and the call of sleep weighs heavy on me right now and yet right before this blog nto 10 minutes ago, I was delving into the creative and tiredness did not even occur to me......
Some food for thought and I would love to hear your take on it all....
In delving into this subculture, I have had many conversations along the creative mind and how it works and it has left me wondering. The consensus seems to be that the best inspiration and the best work happens in the night hours when most of the world rests and is asleep. I have talked to many different creative types over the last few days and this seems to the norm. I know it remains true for me, oftentimes I am awoken with an inspiration and more often than not I have lyrics running through my head as I drfit to sleep. Which really becomes a pain cuz then I have to get up and write them down and then I wake up again. I know this is true for myd daughter, she came and asked me permission to have pen and paper by her side cuz all her ideas for her songs come to her as she is falling asleep. How could I say no to that? It is the affliction of the creative and I suffer with it alongside her. It seems to be one of those inborn things, if your mind is at all creative then it haunts you in the night.
And so the logical side of my brain decided it had to kick in and figure this out and this is the best that I have come up with so far, and feel free to weigh in. It seems that in the night, when we are supposed to sleep, our minds are freed from the logical concerns of living and the pressures of the day. It can have free rein as nothing that is logical is demanding its attention. It seems that this may be one of the few times, that we allow our mind to go where it will without filtering. That said, for those of us that create, this is then the time that our brains have to be and do what they love without being reined in or shut down to deal with the "more" pressing concerns of living.
And here is additional interesting side note. I write this blog tonight and my brain is tired, the heaviness and the call of sleep weighs heavy on me right now and yet right before this blog nto 10 minutes ago, I was delving into the creative and tiredness did not even occur to me......
Some food for thought and I would love to hear your take on it all....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
On the upside
wow, it has been a crazy time lately and I am not entirely sure why or what caused it all. I know that part of my healing is going ot mean that I embrace things....the emotions connected with various things in my life, rather than run and hide from them. In doing so, I am trying to put good and safe things in their place. I am also trying to learn where to keep my focus. That I think is the biggest struggle. Far too often, I take my eyes off of Jesus. For instance, a speaker I once heared likened it to having an etch a sketch. Now if you recall that toy, you had to look reallly close to discern where the line was and so picture with me, a child leaning over his etch a sketch trying hard to draw his picture. You can bet that that is all he sees. THAT is my typical response to negative situations that arise in my life. They consume my vision and that's all I see.
So what I have been training myself to do is to turn my eyes and cast my vision on my Saviour. In that vein, I spent ALL day and I mean ALL day on Monday feeding my spirit. Listened to a bunch of teachings, listened to worship, moved inot the presence of God, did some prophetic painting, listened to more worship. From the moment I got up. Then I spent some time in prayer and communion and wrestled some things out.
I woke up yesterday in a much better frame of mind and then of course and I brought myself back to the throne room and fell into my Daddy's arms. If ever you need a song to turn your heart back to the Lord, try "Home" by Phil Wickham. I had it on repeat all day and it became my prayer for yesterday. then I drove by the hospital and things got stirred up. So when I got home, after I blogged, I contacted a therapist friend of mine and we chatted about safe and healthy ways to embrace the pain. What I found that made this time go a little easier is that I caught myself before I became too embroiled in it. And by doing so, it was easier to come up for air for I was not quite as below the surface as I can get. So I worked on photography....something that I have grown to love. Went out and hung out with a buddy in whose presence I can "be" wihtout having to fake it til i make it. And I healed.
So today, before I start my day, I will be worshipping and training my mind to keep my eyes where they belong, wholly fixed on the one who CAN save me, on the one who CAN heal me and enter into His presence with thanksgiving for all He is doing in my life.
And so thanks to all who expressed concern. Now I am on the upside and am looking to embrace wholeheartedly what is on my plate for today and remember to cast my eyes on Him.......not the pain..........
So what I have been training myself to do is to turn my eyes and cast my vision on my Saviour. In that vein, I spent ALL day and I mean ALL day on Monday feeding my spirit. Listened to a bunch of teachings, listened to worship, moved inot the presence of God, did some prophetic painting, listened to more worship. From the moment I got up. Then I spent some time in prayer and communion and wrestled some things out.
I woke up yesterday in a much better frame of mind and then of course and I brought myself back to the throne room and fell into my Daddy's arms. If ever you need a song to turn your heart back to the Lord, try "Home" by Phil Wickham. I had it on repeat all day and it became my prayer for yesterday. then I drove by the hospital and things got stirred up. So when I got home, after I blogged, I contacted a therapist friend of mine and we chatted about safe and healthy ways to embrace the pain. What I found that made this time go a little easier is that I caught myself before I became too embroiled in it. And by doing so, it was easier to come up for air for I was not quite as below the surface as I can get. So I worked on photography....something that I have grown to love. Went out and hung out with a buddy in whose presence I can "be" wihtout having to fake it til i make it. And I healed.
So today, before I start my day, I will be worshipping and training my mind to keep my eyes where they belong, wholly fixed on the one who CAN save me, on the one who CAN heal me and enter into His presence with thanksgiving for all He is doing in my life.
And so thanks to all who expressed concern. Now I am on the upside and am looking to embrace wholeheartedly what is on my plate for today and remember to cast my eyes on Him.......not the pain..........
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Being raped sucks
K so I'm driving home from a photoshoot. So far it's been a pretty good day. Went to work and played with the kids and hugged the monkeys. One little one who has been reticent with me for a long time now is finally coming around and talking to me and participating in class. Huge victory. Sun is out, photoshoot went well, things were going well until.....
I drive by the hospital and it all comes flooding back, the humilation of the rape kit which is a horrific experience, the bruises, the meds, the potential HIV risk, the possible pregnancy, the dilemna of the plan B pill.
So all this comes rushing back, in minute detail with both mental pictures and emotional upheaval. Tagged on to that follows the details of the rape. We have all heard of flight or fight but there is an additional one that has been discovered....freeze. Freeze usually occurs when people have undergone previous trauma, especially childhood trauma, as they have been trained that they cannot fight and often have been prevented from fleeing.
So it all comes back in rushing detail, my feeble attempts at protest, the horror of it, the fear, the numbness and the ensueing zombie like state that i lived in for days after.
And here I sit without a clue as to what to do, I can feel myself slipping away, slipping away from the reality of it all, not knowing where I will end up nor how to fight it, i just slip away...
I drive by the hospital and it all comes flooding back, the humilation of the rape kit which is a horrific experience, the bruises, the meds, the potential HIV risk, the possible pregnancy, the dilemna of the plan B pill.
So all this comes rushing back, in minute detail with both mental pictures and emotional upheaval. Tagged on to that follows the details of the rape. We have all heard of flight or fight but there is an additional one that has been discovered....freeze. Freeze usually occurs when people have undergone previous trauma, especially childhood trauma, as they have been trained that they cannot fight and often have been prevented from fleeing.
So it all comes back in rushing detail, my feeble attempts at protest, the horror of it, the fear, the numbness and the ensueing zombie like state that i lived in for days after.
And here I sit without a clue as to what to do, I can feel myself slipping away, slipping away from the reality of it all, not knowing where I will end up nor how to fight it, i just slip away...
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