and so we begin

Well, its Monday Aug 31st. I sit here looking to what's ahead of me. Another (hopefuly) year of school, my first born moving into high school, my daughter now 11 a preteen, and my baby, well he will always be my baby. I sit back and look where I have been and to be honest? it's a blur. I know that I went through a nasty separation which is not completely over yet, I know I went back to school and finished my BA and graduated. I know I moved, I know that I applied to an MA in program and got in and I know that that year was excrutiating but I got through it. I know I met new friends and hopefully deepened relationships with the ones that are tried and true. I konw I tried to keep the things in my children's lives normal so they would feel the least effects of what my decision has cost them. I know I saw two of my children baptized ( the first already was) and I know that I have seen my prodigal son come home.

I know that there are many victories to be celebrated, although I am fuzzy on the details. And I know that I still grieve the losses. It's an odd place to stand. For my heart and head seem to not want to rest on my victories. Take for instance, my BA. When I originally left school to raise my son, I always wanted to go back and finish my BA and I did! Yay me, right? But it is hollow. And I think that part of that reason was because I didn't forsee myself EVER losing a marraige in order to do so. I had dreamed of getting my MA and I am in the process of doing so. Yay me, right? Well, I'm missing out on a lot of my children's lives as a result of doing so and well, there is no one hear to celebrate that with me. A bit hollow again. Dreams I had since I was a young girl. I have them and they are hollow. What gives? My prodigal is coming home. I have been worried about this one for far longer than I can remember. Yay me, right? Right!. That one isn't hollow, that one brings peace to my heart. I remember days, months and years post split, where I feared forever losing them...thanks to people whose names I will not mention for I am like that, rising above them so to speak. And yet, I have them all in my home, and all of them, even my eldest freely gives affection to me, and cuddles and wants to be with me, and for my prodigal, his eyes have been opened to lies. Yay me, right? Yes praise God for yay, me! I dreamed of being a mom, too when I was little. That was the biggest of my dreams and I am one of those to be sure.

And yet, as I sit here and reflect, I still grieve the other dreams that aren't coming and frankly speaking I don't know if they will. Now God has shown himself to be faithful to me in this last month in some desperate times taht nearly knocked me off my rocker. And he did promise me that at least one of those other dreams would come to pass. But my heart has been disappointed so many times in my life that I am afraid to hope in order to defend my heart against more pain. There remains a longing in my heart for my other half. And yet no prospects on the horizon. Its funny cuz the "dating" life has been wierd for me. I seem to have an ablity to meet men and know within minutes if he is for me. And that's what is happening, I am meeting men and konwing within minutes they are not for me. It does on one hand save a lot of heartache to be sure but it doenst stem the heartache and frustration of doing this life alone. And the men that I do meet that I think there may be an option with? Well, there end up being physical circumstances that make a relationship impossible. So the best I can figure is God is keeping me alone for some reason and to be honest? I HATE IT!!!!!!! It hurts, it'e lonely and it's painful. I had so wished to have someone by my side at my grad to celebrate that success with me. Yes, my children will be there but they don't really understand the cost it took me. And no my family will not be there at their choosing. So I look to celebrating that momentous event....alone.

And then the other dream. TD, if you are reading this please understand that your momentous event just caused some grief to rise up in me is all, and yes I am somewhat envious. There remains in my heart an empty longing to have and to hold another precious little girl. I wondered if that would fade as I grew further and further away from my separation, but alas, it hasn't and to be honest remains as strong as ever. Now I am no dummy and I know that the feasibility of that right now is not workable but as I plod through each day, I am not getting younger and that greif becomes more and more overwhelming.

So I sit here with some victories and some grief. And I know full well the answer, I need to look to GOd to be my hope and my source of happiness etc etc. Just not entirely sure how to get there and what to do when it hurts. I long for the comfort of the Holy Spirit right now. Graham Cooke once said that he relishes times of pain and grief just for the sake of living in the comfort of the Holy Spirit. How I wish I could get there...maybe it wouldnt hurt quite so much, maybe the tears wouldn't fall quite so often..

so i guess this is a form of a prayer as i reach up toward God and beg for some relief for this. but then the thought strikes, i am a daughter in the kingdom, why am i begging. my sonship entitles me to, in full confidence, stand before my father and ask for things. a daughter doesnt' beg for things from her dad, she just goes to him with full confidence in knowing her request will be heard and asks. maybe thats why i struggle here, i didnt get that knowledge with my earthly dad, it was a begging situation, with a hopeful heart that more often that not was disappointed.

and so begins another day and another school year wiht a heart full of greifs and dreams.......