It's Going to be Alright

My girlfriend posted this on her blog this morning and so I am going to do the same (here), although we blog from differing perspectives. I have an anniversary of sorts coming up in a month. It will be four years. As this day looms in front of me, I remember the life changing decision that I made. I remember the angst, the constant battle, the act of walking out onto my own plank, closing my eyes, and jumping, not knowing who, if anyone, would catch me. As I wrestled in the dark with all the unknowns of what my future lay, and how I would take the next step, terror gripped my soul. And yet, it wasn't just terror. It was something akin to hope, that things finally might be shifting. I had dreams of where I saw myself and where I am today, is not where I saw myself.

At that moment, when things looked as bleak as they could get, I did what seemed to be the impossible. For you see, in that bleakness, shone a silver glimmer, ever so tiny, ever so threadbare, but there it sat. That shimmering sliver was a hope for my future. And yet, now here I sit, four years later and.........

None of the dreams I held as I made that decision, have really come to pass. Sure there are some that look like they are just around the corner, but if my life has taught me one thing, it has taught me this: don't count on anything until it is in your hands. That lesson has been pounded into the very fibre of my being in the past 6 months. For you see, there was some thing that I had held hope in, some thing that I had counted on and it fell apart, and then I picked up the pieces hoped in it again and it fell apart, This happened about four-five times in total. What did I learn? Don't hope.

So today I sit here, with some anniversaries looming ahead of me. Without the hope that forced my steps, slowly coming to a reconciliation of what life will entail in my future. It looks bleak. This time? No shimmering sliver.    Just desolate.    Bleak.      Empty.    Void.