So I remember birthdays when I was young and the biggest thing that I remember is that the only two times in the entire year that I felt "special," that I felt important or that I felt that I had something of value was during my birthday and during Christmas. Those were the ONLY TWO days out of 365 days that I felt celebrated. I think that that contributes to why I am so anal about both my birthday and Christmas. I hate it when it gets passed over and nothing happens (speaking of my birthday) and I hate it when there is not big celebrations that I can go to around Christmas. Those things deeply sadden me and I feel empty.
I think that that is why I ensure that my children's birthdays are so celebrated and are something that they can remember. At the beginning of the school year, we were at an event at the school and Missy was discussing with her friends her birthday party this year. And as she was doing this, her friends were running through all her birthdays.....her wine and cheese party, her princess party, her Clue mystery party...to name a few. This year, I had an esthetician come in and do a Mani / Pedi party. Unfortunately, we didn't get to the Pedi's so we have a Part II to Missy's birthday in February. The girls got to pick their colors and got rhinestones and/or decals on their toes. They played Twister and a few other games. They had appetizers and punch in champagne glasses and all in all I believe it was a successful party! One remark was "this was the best party I have ever been to!" I consider that a success.
Maybe it's not fair of me to put so much into a birthday party based on my own needs. It is one of the things that we are warned of as parents. Living out our dreams through our children whether it fits them or not. I am not sure whether something like this counts or not? What I do know is that my daughter had a fabulous birthday, she enjoyed it and her friends enjoyed it and for a child who struggle socially, I think this is a good thing!!!!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
What makes you hide?
"Don't ask or demand that someone be something/someone they are not. Authenticity is rare, we should encourage and nurture it! ~ Natalie Brown
This quote from a friend of mine, got me thinking. What is it about authenticity, about transparency that scares us so much? Is it the fear that our skeletons will be found out and we shall be judged based only on our skeletons? Is that why we hide?
Trust me, I have far more than my fair share of skeletons and yet, there is freedom in being me. There is liberation in being true to what I think and feel and not allowing myself to allow others to determine who or what I am. We all have skeletons, mine may or may not be worse than yours. What would that matter anyway? You have yours, I have mine, let's call it even and call it a day. Because, (and here is the key) what nearly destroys me, you may sail through fine, and what I sail through without a second thought could very well be what brings you to your knees. I think therein lies the truth: I am affected by things differently than you are and as a result, I have no right to judge whether your struggles are suitable struggles because you know what? For YOU they ARE. So what makes me the judge and jury of what you should or should not struggle with. I have not lived your experience, I have not suffered your hurts and pains, so based on that and that alone, I have no right to even suggest that what affects you should not affect you.
So, that aside, what makes us hide? Is it our fear that others are better than us? That we are somehow more evil or more "bad" and if we were transparent than people would see that?
I had this conversation with my intern supervisor and what we both agreed on is this: the world suffers from a global self esteem complex and yet we all firmly believe that we are isolated in this regard. We look at our neighbour, friend or family member and compare ourselves. We see in them things we want for ourselves and this then highlights our shortcomings and the things we don't like within ourselves. Result" we end up hating oursleves and experiencing a self esteem issue or an inferiority complex and believe that we are the only ones that feel this way. So we hide. And yet, in doing so we miss so much richness in our lives. We miss seeing the treasure that others are and we miss the treasure that lies within ourselves. Think of the things you could accomplish if you really knew who you were and believed it. And then granted others the same thing?
Is it he belief that in order for us to be successful, we have to maintain that facade whether or not we believe it? Fake it til you make it? Do we really believe that even if we don't feel secure, if we act it, we will be secure? The problem with this is that we come off as arrogant, prideful, self centered and superior. And then, as much as we long to be in relationship with people, we end up pushing them away instead. So in our attempt to fake it till we make it, we end up losing the one thing that we so deeply and intensely desire to gain. We put up walls around our pain, we seal it off and appear inpenetrateable to others. But you see, when we wall our pain in, we wall ourselves in and then we lose the relationships and deep soul intimacies we long for
Or are we really just that shallow? Are we so disillusioned with life and what this world has to offer and the state of humanity that we choose to live a shallow passionless existence. Have we subscribed to apathy in order to dismiss the fact that we should stand up for those around us? Do we feel so powerless in the face of evil that it becomes easier to look the other way to maintain a semblance of comfort? If that is true than I would ask this: is the sacrifice of giving up yourself and living a passionless, shallow existence worth the comfort that looking away brings? For me, it doesn't. I simply cannot stand aside and see human suffering. I am COMPELLED to act. Yes it hurts to do so. In doing so I am transparent, I am vulnerable and I risk being wounded. But I gain LIFE and passion and a zest for living and a deep stirring in my soul.
So what makes you hide?
This quote from a friend of mine, got me thinking. What is it about authenticity, about transparency that scares us so much? Is it the fear that our skeletons will be found out and we shall be judged based only on our skeletons? Is that why we hide?
Trust me, I have far more than my fair share of skeletons and yet, there is freedom in being me. There is liberation in being true to what I think and feel and not allowing myself to allow others to determine who or what I am. We all have skeletons, mine may or may not be worse than yours. What would that matter anyway? You have yours, I have mine, let's call it even and call it a day. Because, (and here is the key) what nearly destroys me, you may sail through fine, and what I sail through without a second thought could very well be what brings you to your knees. I think therein lies the truth: I am affected by things differently than you are and as a result, I have no right to judge whether your struggles are suitable struggles because you know what? For YOU they ARE. So what makes me the judge and jury of what you should or should not struggle with. I have not lived your experience, I have not suffered your hurts and pains, so based on that and that alone, I have no right to even suggest that what affects you should not affect you.
So, that aside, what makes us hide? Is it our fear that others are better than us? That we are somehow more evil or more "bad" and if we were transparent than people would see that?
I had this conversation with my intern supervisor and what we both agreed on is this: the world suffers from a global self esteem complex and yet we all firmly believe that we are isolated in this regard. We look at our neighbour, friend or family member and compare ourselves. We see in them things we want for ourselves and this then highlights our shortcomings and the things we don't like within ourselves. Result" we end up hating oursleves and experiencing a self esteem issue or an inferiority complex and believe that we are the only ones that feel this way. So we hide. And yet, in doing so we miss so much richness in our lives. We miss seeing the treasure that others are and we miss the treasure that lies within ourselves. Think of the things you could accomplish if you really knew who you were and believed it. And then granted others the same thing?
Is it he belief that in order for us to be successful, we have to maintain that facade whether or not we believe it? Fake it til you make it? Do we really believe that even if we don't feel secure, if we act it, we will be secure? The problem with this is that we come off as arrogant, prideful, self centered and superior. And then, as much as we long to be in relationship with people, we end up pushing them away instead. So in our attempt to fake it till we make it, we end up losing the one thing that we so deeply and intensely desire to gain. We put up walls around our pain, we seal it off and appear inpenetrateable to others. But you see, when we wall our pain in, we wall ourselves in and then we lose the relationships and deep soul intimacies we long for
Or are we really just that shallow? Are we so disillusioned with life and what this world has to offer and the state of humanity that we choose to live a shallow passionless existence. Have we subscribed to apathy in order to dismiss the fact that we should stand up for those around us? Do we feel so powerless in the face of evil that it becomes easier to look the other way to maintain a semblance of comfort? If that is true than I would ask this: is the sacrifice of giving up yourself and living a passionless, shallow existence worth the comfort that looking away brings? For me, it doesn't. I simply cannot stand aside and see human suffering. I am COMPELLED to act. Yes it hurts to do so. In doing so I am transparent, I am vulnerable and I risk being wounded. But I gain LIFE and passion and a zest for living and a deep stirring in my soul.
So what makes you hide?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I HATE TRAUMA
in case you missed that, let me say it again, I HATE TRAUMA....
I hate that it robs you of life.
I hate that it instills in you fears uminmaginabble.
I hate that it makes you go around constantly watching every move that every one around you makes.
I hate that you never feel safe.
I hate that you can't sleep at night for the fear of something bad" happneing.
I hate that it makes you alter your life patterns to keep safe.
I hate that it ma kes yoiu turn against yourself and subesequently hate yourself.
I hate that its a wound few choose to see.
I hate that you don't know how to "be" normal.
Did I mention that I hate trauma?
I hate that it steals innocence.
I hate that it causes uncontrollable panic.
I hate that taht it often ends up looking like ADHD and ADD....oh.....that sneaky beast trauma.
And most of all?
I HATE THAT IT STEALS LIFE.
PS. did I mention I hate trauma?
I hate that it robs you of life.
I hate that it instills in you fears uminmaginabble.
I hate that it makes you go around constantly watching every move that every one around you makes.
I hate that you never feel safe.
I hate that you can't sleep at night for the fear of something bad" happneing.
I hate that it makes you alter your life patterns to keep safe.
I hate that it ma kes yoiu turn against yourself and subesequently hate yourself.
I hate that its a wound few choose to see.
I hate that you don't know how to "be" normal.
Did I mention that I hate trauma?
I hate that it steals innocence.
I hate that it causes uncontrollable panic.
I hate that taht it often ends up looking like ADHD and ADD....oh.....that sneaky beast trauma.
And most of all?
I HATE THAT IT STEALS LIFE.
PS. did I mention I hate trauma?
Monday, November 15, 2010
Glitters and Gold
Many years ago I discovered a new author. One that I have thoroughly enjoyed and turned many people onto. Upon reading his novels, I discovered his forum and have been on and off of it for near as many years. As with all forums, you have to pick a username so I picked Glitters. Friends that I have met through the forum and have asked me why I picked the name Glitters. My explanation was that I had wanted to be so covered with the love of Jesus that I shone, I glittered.
Well, on Saturday that came true. Let me explain. Saturday night my church had their worship circle. What that is, is: a gathering of believers who igather together and pour out their worship to God. We worshipped for two and a half hours and then at the end there was a prayer tunnel. A prayer tunnel is when you make two lines of people and one person walks through it and as they go through people pray for them. So my turn came and I got a few words (and I am being specifically vague here) that indicated that I am in God's favour right now. In fact, one gentleman prayed that God would show me something that would unmistakeably tell me that I am in His favour and that this would happen by Tuesday. Well I guess God thought that this was something I needed that night as opposed to Tuesday. For you see, what happened is this:
By the time that I had finished walking through the tunnel, both of my hands were covered and I mean COVERED with gold dust, sparkles where there were none before. And as the night wore on my face also became covered and I mean COVERED in the same gold dust. All people had to do was look at me and they were able to see me covered in it.
Glitters and Gold and favour!
Well, on Saturday that came true. Let me explain. Saturday night my church had their worship circle. What that is, is: a gathering of believers who igather together and pour out their worship to God. We worshipped for two and a half hours and then at the end there was a prayer tunnel. A prayer tunnel is when you make two lines of people and one person walks through it and as they go through people pray for them. So my turn came and I got a few words (and I am being specifically vague here) that indicated that I am in God's favour right now. In fact, one gentleman prayed that God would show me something that would unmistakeably tell me that I am in His favour and that this would happen by Tuesday. Well I guess God thought that this was something I needed that night as opposed to Tuesday. For you see, what happened is this:
By the time that I had finished walking through the tunnel, both of my hands were covered and I mean COVERED with gold dust, sparkles where there were none before. And as the night wore on my face also became covered and I mean COVERED in the same gold dust. All people had to do was look at me and they were able to see me covered in it.
Glitters and Gold and favour!
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