Congruency

So its stupid o'clock once again and I have to be up in less than 5 hours and yet here I am....blogging. But here's the thing. I have been hard at work all day finishing up my thesis and this is the first time my brain has had a chance to mull. So welcome to my mullings.

Congruency..fro some reason my thoughts turned to my sister tonight. I know how.........I was talking to my brother and telling him about my thesis and the current direction in my life and how I hope to be published with my thesis and the theses that come out of this thesis. In thinking of that my thoughts turned to the rest of my family: my dad, who is also proud of me and what I am accomplishing and my sister and my mother.

Those last two have disowned me, they have sided with my ex and have chosen to believe that I am mentally ill....crazy and insane were the words my sister has used about me recently. So I sat and pondered that. I chose to disrupt my FOO's set up. I stepped out toward healing and I suffered the backlash, my TWU friends know to what I refer.

I was recalling a conversation that I had had with my brother about my mother and sister (pretty soon I believe that I will no longer refer to having either of those, we have no relationship anyhow....), In it I stated very emphatically that my sister hated me. My brother challenged that and said that "no she doesn't hate you she just simply thinks that you are crazy and insane. I refuted that and said "no she hates me and to be honest I am the most sane of hte bunch of us." After that, rather than argue with my brother I dropped it.

It was that conversation to which my thoughts turned. Congruency.........the point my brother wanted to make was that my sister did not hate me, nor my mother for that matter. My point? their actions and their words speak different messages. This theme has come up around me a lot lately and in that vein I strive to be congruent. do I succeed? not always but I am a work in progress and there are times that I do succeed. Congruency is a manner inn which we can be assessed. And trust me we are all assessed every day. so on that note we should strive to be congruent. It is very easy to flap our gums and say one thing, but the truth lies in our actions.

I have been at the mercy of someone whose words I believed and who's actions I chose to see as faulty. The problem was, the words admitted the failure but promised the success. I loved this man dearly. And he played me like a fiddle. I believed his words and hoped in his words/actions. i wanted to believe him and so I looked for anything to hold on to. And my heart broke and it took waht seemed like forever for me to slowly pick up each shattered piece, each sliver of my heart and piece it together and find where each piece fit. For you see, he showed (tricked, played) me what i thought was the world and the whole universe. And to be honest, there were some very excellent things that I learned and grew from. But bottom line, he was not congruent and as a result I bear one more scar on my heart.

My sis and my mom............where this all started........again people who cannot be and choose to not take the steps that would enable them to be.......congruent.

so what happens then? i once again, kneel down and start to slowly gather each sliver, each shard of my heart..........that once more bears the scars of being shattered into millions of shards and slivers. if we lived this way, we could alleviate untold amounts of pain that we would feel and that others would suffer at our hands...

is there a point here? yes!

for all of us, we should strive toward authenticity (see earlier post) and toward congruency for then at the end of the day we can lay our head peacefully look into the eyes of our Lord and the eyes of our loved ones and know in the deepest recesses of our being that we lived that day to the best of our ability

Autenticity and Congruency............thats my challenge to you........

a burdened heart

So today i am writing more of my thesis, and in that I am dealing with trauma as my subject matter, I find my thoughts and my heart turning toward those in my life. So so many of the ones that I consider dear to me have recently undergone or are undergoing some form of trauma and my heart breaks for you. Many times, I sit and think on you guys and I cry for the pain that I know you are suffering. I know pain in an intimate way, and I know how overwhelmimg it can be and how hard to come out from under. So many times, I wish I was with each one of you, in order to provide love and support in even a small way. When I read your stories, words fail me and i find that I cannot express the depth of my hurting alongside you and the depth of my desire to help in whatever way I can.

Many of you are courageous individuals whom I admire wholeheartedly. You have shown such strength and such grace and poise in the midst of so so much, As I am writing this, many names are running through my head, far far too many to begin to list. All of you have been an inspiration to me at one time or another for I know some of the depth of struggles that you have endured and the authentic resiliance that you show as you forge through one millisecond by one millisecond at times, is truly an inspiration to me.

And so thank you, thank you for being who you are, thank you for sharing a small part of your heart with me, thank you for your honestly in your trials, and to all of you I dedicate my career. I wish to heaven that I could have been there to aid you but in lieu of that as I go forth in my career, I will remember the strength that each one of you has shown and I will do my best to honour you by pouring into those who enter my office what I wish to have poured inot your hearts.

Thank you my dear friends for being my inspiration....