Aug 19, 1995

so fifteen years ago, I got married. Today is my wedding anniversary for a marriage that I no longer have although am not divorced from....

So many hopes I had had, young and naive as I was and today I should be celebrating 15 years but instead I am remembering dreams died.......

Grampa

It's been 1.5 years since Grampa passed, two this October. Due to unfavorable circumstances, I was denied my opportunity to say Good-bye. I love my Grampa dearly. Many times, I recall, even into my adulthood, I would climb onto my Grampa's lap, he would put his arm around me and kiss me. Again, due to circumstances, I was nearly denied attending my Grampa's funeral and memorial. I miss him dearly and for whatever reason, today, Grampa is prominent in my mind.

So many things I would say to him, should I have been given the chance. First and foremost, sorry Grampa for taking you for granted, for not attending and pouring into your life as I wish I did. and thank you, thank you for loving me, and last but not least "I love you Grampa, more than you know and even realize! So much so I wish I could go back and undo things. I wish I could sit and your lap and hear your stories. I wish for one more time that I could on your lap with your arms around me. I just wish for more......

12 Years old

This is Missy when she was between 1 and 2 years old. Yesterday we celebrated her 12th birthday. I remember the day she was born. I, in fact, remember the whole birthing procedure. How thrilled I was to have a girl! Something I had wanted my entire life. I had always wanted to be a mom and a mommy of a girl and 12 years ago that dream, that wish, came true. And there she is.

Now 12 years later, she still is my baby girl and I love her more as I watch her grow into an amazing young woman. This picture was taken yesterday and her surprise birthday. When Missy was three, she sat on Santa's lap and asked him for a horse. Little did he know.....she meant a real one. Thinking it was very cute and wanting to get into her brain, I asked her....."where would we keep it?" Her response.."on our patio...." and so I continued.."what would we feed it?" her quick and emphatic reply...."hamburgers..." She like them so why shouldn't a horse, right? And so began her dream that hasn't yet died...to own a horse. Well I am not made of money and to date that dream has been something that I have not been able to make come true...... However, last night I sort of did. Last night for her birthday I planned a surprise and outdid myself if I do say so. I booked us for an hour long trail ride, but I didn't tell her. So she asked what we were doing for her birthday and I told her, we were going to eat out (like we always do). So we started driving. Then as we got closer, I pulled over and blindfolded her. And we continued to drive. When she asked about the blind fold I told her that it was because we were going to a new restaurant and I wanted to surprise her. So away we went. We pulled up and I got her out of the car, blind fold intact and then I stepped back with my camera ready and told her she could take off the blind fold. This was her expression:

When our trail guide saw her  expression he actually laughed out loud. It was quite a sight to see. After our hour long trail ride, we went out to eat at Montana's keeping in theme of course. And of course the presents were western oriented. So maybe I haven't been able to give my little princess her horse, but I did give her a horse for a day and for one day, I managed to make her dream come true.

Watching her grow is something else. My neighbor just commented that she is looking more like me with each passing day. That, neither of us see, and we will both vehemently defend that position. But what I do know is that, she is growing into a stellar young lady and it won't be long before she quite easily passes me. I can't wait to watch these next few years and watch exactly where her road takes her..... She has great things in store for her and she will see success for she follows her heart and that won't fail her......

And this sums up her day!

Dreams

I'm at home, on Canada Day, alone with no kids. What that means is that my mind has time and space to do some reflecting. For many years, my dreams have been filled with horror....the ones I remember anyway. And the ones that I didn't remember? Well they may have been good but to be honest, I can't tell you because I don't remember....  ;-p

So dreams. There are many different psychological stances on dreams, and many different ways to interpret dreams. Many of the famous psychologists have some sort of stance on dreams but what they boil down to is that dreams are our mind's way of processing things.

However, that specific mechanism breaks down in the face of repeated and prolonged exposure to trauma. And this is where the interesting point for me comes in. What I have noticed from my own experience is this: after processing and dealing with trauma, those natural mechanisms we have that are built into us, experience something of a resurrection. They come back to life in a manner of speaking.

To clarify this point. On Tuesday, I had a particularly upsetting experience that spilled over into Wednesday. This experience impacted me to the degree that it brought me to the point of tears on a number of different occasions which in turn led me to have conversations with both of my supervisor's in order to gain clarification and processing.  So some closure was brought to this situation as of last night.

Through the night, I woke up with two different dreams. As I reflected on these dreams, the themes that were evident were directly tied to my experience. The theme in the first dream was that of vulnerability and attack. Said experience was a mix of my feeling both vulnerable and attacked. The second dream was a move toward competence and empowerment. After having lived through part two of this experience and coming out of it, as well as processing it on a verbal level with my supervisor's, my brain had the resources to go back through the experience and bring the closure and processing of competence back. The verbal processing helped in the immediate. The second dream dealt with the inner and emotional processing so that I don't continue to sit in and live in the trauma of that experience.

Dreams are very cool things and if we keep our eye on them have the ability to tell us a world of things about ourselves. Pay attention to your dreams..........you never know what you will find!

Missy's Scholarship!

So today marks the end of another school year in my household. My kids have all successfully completed their respective years. Jeff, firstborn and brilliant, finished his first year of high school with amazing success. It was quite an overwhelming experience to be sure. Prior to his grade 9 year the student count in his previous school was 200 all told in grades K-8. This year his student count in grades 9-12 is 1400. Quite a jump to get used, never mind the new routine of switching classrooms, using a locker, eating in a cafeteria, all the high school things. All told he has had a successful year, developed new friends interests and managed quite well.

Jamie....the monkey, the ham of the family who has decided he shall now be known as Ponyboy (thanks outsiders). In fact, he gets his knickers in quite a knot if I forget to call him Ponyboy. And yet, he still is my little man, who prefers to be snuggled up in arms whenever he gets the chance. This one is all-boy mind you. And has decided that he owns every sport in the world. His exuberance for life are only met by his soft, gentle sweet spirit which endears all to him.


This leaves my little princess, Missy who I get to brag on about right now. Missy has tended to always slip into the background, let others grab the limelight and quietly go about her business, rarely making her needs known, and far to often abdicating her desires in favor of others. She too, is a tender soul and this is manifested in her concern and heartbreak for the pain of others-both human and animal. Well today my princess got to be honored. I was at her year end chapel and she successfully pulled out a B average all year round making honorable mention. For those of you who have walked with me, this is all despite her learning disability and her anxiety levels. Additionally, as I am sure most of you have noticed on my FB, she is constantly placing and works extremely hard at her Highland Dance. In addition, today she was recognized for being on various teams at school including Badminton, ultimate frisbee and the Dowel Dance team that danced at city hall. But the best thing of all, was the award that was kept a surprise.

Every year the school awards two scholarships. These scholarships go toward a summer sports camp. The reason for the scholarship is for the student who shows exemplary  Christ like behaviors and attitudes throughout their entire sports year. So.............THAT WAS MISSY!!!!!!!!! We have a scholarship now, toward a sports camp of her choosing. She was awarded this because that gentle sweet spirit that I referred to earlier has shone through during every team practice and game that she has participated in over the year not only to her own team-mates but to team members of the opposing teams.

Poor Missy was shocked when her name was called and she is flabbergasted still with what this all means. And for once my beautiful girl got to be formerly recognized for all that she does and for the sweet heart and spirit that she carries with her. I am so proud of you, my love!!!!! And most of all, YOU DESERVE THIS!!!!!

PS-As one of my friends made mention: I appear to have a triple threat on my hands *giggles*






<-- Missy hearing her name called for the scholarship!

Receiving the scholarship from Mr. Schiemann ->

And still in shock that she won it! I found out after that all the teachers and staff sat around a table and assessed every child who competed in sports this year. Missy won this with a unanimous vote by all the staff at her school!

Empty Heart, Empty Arms

So two days ago marks a 4 year anniversary for me. And to be honest, it is a bittersweet one. Four years ago, I set out on a path that changed my life, at the time it was a good decision.  And it still is a good decision, what makes it bittersweet is that I am not where I picture myself. Four years ago, as I set on this journey, I imagined finishing up my grad school education with a degree in front of me. Well, due to other circumstances, that is put off for another year. Four years ago, I pictured having a significant other in my life, likely being married and hopefully onto, or at least planning on, finishing my family. And yet, that too remains elusive.....hard to see your dreams and goals crumble.

What makes this more poignant and difficult, is that there is a slew of friends on my fb, that have either just had babies, are having babies or are getting married. Additionally, there are friends who have been going through difficult life circumstances, and save a few, most of them have found resolution and have been brought out of that desert season, something I desperately long for, but something that seems more and more remote with each passing day. I joke (not so much) that I am living on an expiration date here and that date is fast approaching.

So where does this leave me? Begging, crying, screaming and having an all out argument with God as to where my inheritance is? And where is my destiny? You promised me a rich and abundant life God, and so far that is not here. You know I seek You, You know how much I long to hear You, and yet, repeatedly it feels like You turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to my cries.

My heart breaks, daily now, in fact minute by minute I feel one more piece breaking off. I'm frantic to gather the tiniest pieces up, to hold them, save them, set them aside for a time when I can put the pieces back together and yet they slip away and out of my reach. I can no longer put this heart back together and so I watch helplessly, despairingly as the pieces break and fall away.

Where is my hope Lord, where are my promises? Why are they not coming true and how can you ask more of me when there is nothing left save an empty heart and empty arms.....where once I held my hope and dreams......

Giving thanks

So........I have been pondering this concept lately and I think that we as a society are remiss. If you are expecting a lovely little philosophical blog today move on. This is about my ranting.  We just finished the May long weekend. The first taste of Spring for those of us here in Vancouver. Many people get out to celebrate and enjoy life. They throw barbeques or parties, they get together with friends, the go shopping...all sorts of lovely things. 

So over the course of the weekend I have been watching facebook statuses. And here's what I have come up with. People are selfish and need to stop whining and be thankful for what they have.

I saw fb statuses whining about iphones and absent husbands and free time and prices in Mexico. Well I challenge you to stop. Perhaps instead of whining about all those things, you should be thankful that you have an iphone, and a husband and free time to shop and  money to shop and money to BE in Mexico. There are many that cannot afford rent let alone an iphone, many whose deepest desires are to have a husband, many who haven't had a vacation in as long as they can remember, and many who wear used clothing because they can't afford new.

So I want to challenge you: next time you feel like whining about something, turn it around and instead be thankful you have what you were going to whine about in the first place.