More will come but here is how it sits

You dropped me when I needed you most

Threw me away, exorcised my ghost

To you my life was just a hoax

You dropped me when I needed you most

How do you thank someone....

Who has taken you from crayons to perfume? It isn't easy but I'll try! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbLs80cuots (sorry it wouldnt embed properly)

But this isn't crayons to perfume. This is toy cars to driving cars.How do I thank someone who has taken my son from toy cars to driving cars? How do I thank him for giving me back my son?

Jeffrey has been in therapy for seven years.

That means me and the kids have been in therapy for seven years.

That means Dr. Worling has been in our lives for seven years.

That means there has been an amazing role model for my son and a staunch supporter of me and my children in our lives for seven years.

That means there has been much healing in our lives for seven years.

That means Jeff has had an amazing person in his life, rooting for him and loving on him and supporting him and unconditionally accepting him for seven years.

That means a seven year journey to get my son back.

That means Dr. Worling was a key player in giving me my son back.

How do you thank someone...????

What would it mean to have your son taken away from you, to have someone rescue him and give him back?

Apart for a life indebtedness...how do you repay that?

Thank you doesn't do it.

Words are not enough.

Gifts are not enough.

Nothing is enough.

I have my son back. He went into hiding. Dr. Worling found him. And slowly made it safe for my son. Safe enough to come home.

This, Dr. Worling, is a tribute to you. And it's not enough. You loved on us. You rescued my son.

I raise my hat, my glass, anything and everything to you! You are an amazing man! You devotedly gave to us. You brought Jeff home.

How do you thank someone.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFrdJ2V3r7Y

9 years and counting!

Today, nine years ago, Jamie Scott made his entrance into this world at 4:51 am (or so I have been led to believe!)
 And what and entrance it was. Jamie was late you see and i was done being pregnant. So at 11:00 I took 2 tbsp of castor oil, went for a solo 30 minute walk, came back, took another tbsp of castor oil and went to bed. At the ripe hour of 3 am, I woke up. My water had broke. Up we got and away we went. We went through emergency and they sent up straight down to the case room. Then they set me down on a chair and sent Lars up to register me.
Let me paint the picture. There I am, alone, on a chair in front of the desk in the case room. Lars is gone. My mom, who had wanted to witness the birth. Not there. And now Jamie is on his way. I can feel him crowning. I ask for a bed. Oh no, they say, baby isn't on his way yet. *******Please note: you are getting the sanitzied version!****** Oh yes he is I insist. And if you do not get me to a bed, you will have a baby in the hallway.
Now chaos ensues. They scurry me into a room (as fast as you can scurry an overdue pregnant mother), strip me and launch me onto the bed. Then leave.
So there I am.  On a bed. Alone. No Lars. No mom. No doctor. No nurse. For you see, they had to kick a sleeping nurse out and gather all the necessary supplies.
But alas, I was not to be alone for long. Jamie must have figured I needed company for one push later, there he was!
So there we sat. Me. And. Jamie. No. Doctor. No. Nurse. No Lars. No mom. Me. And. Jamie.
In walk the nurses. With the necessary supplies. That are no longer necessary.
Chaos again. Cut cord, clean me up, get the baby into an incubator and oh, by the way, what time was he born?
It is now 4:56. "Um??? I'm not sure. I was a little preoccupied."
Ok well we have been busy for roughly 5 minutes, so lets say official time of birth, 4:51 am.
Ok let's! (as if I have a choice)
In walk Lars.......and mom.............and dr...........
and there we are.
And that is how Jamie made his grand entrance into this world.
And he still does. He is the classic clown, who is a bundle of energy that doesnt sit down. He is constantly on the go and he loves life. He is a joyful soul and hates "misbehaving"
And he has suffered. Great great trauma has touched that boy's life. It stole him away from me for awhile.
But I am beginning to see the re-emergence of my little man,
And nine years later, he brings me so much more joy than he did at birth. My adventurous little man, who isn't shy to come and sit for a koala cuddle. Whose heart bursts with love for those in his life. Whose tender heart has seen much pain, but not stolen my son.
Happy Birthday my dear little man! May this day and many more bring healing to your heart and soul and be filled with love and joy that spills over.

My wish for 2011

Starlight, starbright
For this I wish with all my might
That life is filled with much delight
Starlight, starbright.

For Jeff, I wish you joy and peace
Pain and confusion to decrease
Favour and blessing to increase
For Jeff, I wish you joy and peace.

For Missy I wish you wings to soar
Close relationships more and more
God's adventures to explore
For Missy I wish you wings to soar

For Jamie I wish a healed whole heart
Where God shines through this work of art
Pain and nightmares to depart
For Jamie I wish a healed whole heart

Startlight, starbright
For this I wish with all my might
That life is filled with much delight
Starlight, starbright.

So I think I should write

But what do I write? I could do a year in review but to be honest, I don't know that I could entirely remember my year.

It's a weird life, this single parent thing.Trying to balance the needs of my children, help them with their relationships and struggles, weigh out whats best for them and advise them accordingly, while monitoring my own needs and desires in addition to working and school while providing the kids with food, shelter, clothing, but most of all GOOD memories, fun times and a sense of safety and normality.

For you see, the pciture of the "perfect" family, you know the one, withtwo parents still together, hunts us and haunts us at every turn.

Each birthday is a reminder, we are broken. Each mothers day, fathers day, easter, thanksgiving, christmas hallowe'en, canada day, summer vacation, spring break, christmas holidays, christmas recital, spring ply graduation, dance competition, it sits there silently screaming we are different, we are broken.

And so this single parenthood thing is no picnic . For I have to make us NORMAL. Which means creating family memories that they will remember where mom is smiling and laughing on the outside while not letting them see, glimpse or even dream that the insides might be screaming and howling at the unfairness and the not normalness of the whole situation. Not let them see that things should be different and that I failed them in this way. Not letting them know that a broken heart beats and with each beat bleeds tears about all that I want to give to them......expecially the knowledge that they, that we are NOT different and that our life is just fine and perfect.

And yet, when those tears come, those heart wrenching tears cuz they don't want to go to dads cuz it means leaving mom and they cannot balance the two, I have to hold them and tell them all is well and everything will be fine even though I myself am screaming that it is NOT fine. And then after they are smiling, I turn, drive home and weep silently in the dark at all in our life that is NOT fine.

The demons of single parenthood greet us at every turn, taunting and teasing me...

And so I pray, God make our 2011 a year when we can be NORMAL. When the demons no longer taunt, when we can know that we stand in your favour and your blessing and when our dreams of a normal family become reality.

Make Me A Channel

Make Me A Channel


Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Chorus:

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

I was a little girl. Eleven years old to be exact. In the CRC (Christian Reformed Church), babies were baptized and then once you got older, you professed your faith (a public declaration). The equivalent would be dedication and baptism.This is about the same time that I read "The Cross and the Switchblade" and knew that I wanted to work with at risk youth (although that's not what I called them then)

So my dad asks me: did I want to do my profession of faith. And my heart leapt. Yes I did!. Little did I know....oh, little did I know....

What that entailed was that I sit weekly (likely for 6-8 weeks) before the elder board of the church (who ran EVERY meeting with ALL of them dressed in suits) and defend my faith and explain what I wanted to do this. Additionally, to be quizzed as to my biblical knowledge. Talk about terrifying and traumatizing a little girl.

Anyhow, I successfully "passed" and so the date was set. I was to stand before the church and profess my faith. And then I heard this song. And I KNEW that this song needed to be a part of this process. So in my little trembling, wobbly 11 year old  girl voice, I now stood before the congregation, terrified and sang out this song from my heart. And did I mean it. I meant EVERY WORD that I sang. I truly wanted to be the epitome of that song.

Fast foward many years. And now I am hearing about everyone having a life verse. And my heart is desperate for one. And so awakens that desire.

Fast forward to now. As I sit and reflect on the words of that song, a few things jump out at me. One? That prayer, that song is my life verse. It is what I want to do. It is my hearts deepest desire to bring that forth, call that out and release people into that. And so I sing and pray:

Make me a channel of your peace.

Where there is hatred let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Make me a channel of your peace

Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.


I sit here and blog this, pour my heart into this post and weep. My heart longs to do this and I believe that in my counselling practice, I do do so. And in light of some recent personal sceanrios, I do believe that I live this. However, I also know there are areas that I have not done my best. Certain things have gotten in the way, and I have reacted instead of acted.

When I was a young girl of 11, this was my heart. However, little did I know that the training ground would be so terribly painful, would be so filled with aunguish.

But, if I want to impart love, I need to know and have EXPERIENCED hatred. If I want to impart forgiveness and pardon, I NEED to know injury. If I want to shine of truth faith, my own MUST have been shaken.

If I want to impart hope, I must have held hands with despair. If I want to reflect the light of the King, I must have walked in the darkness. And if I want to shift paradigms to that of joy, I must be bent to my knees with sadness and grief.

The training ground is hard. But today as I sit, a woman of 37, and this is still my heart's intent.

Listen as I sing along:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtJeI4Q9nBE

I'll be honest

I am being flooded. I am being flooded with a myriad of emotions. I had lost connection with many important people to me, and today brought a reconnection with some of those people. As a result, I am being flooded with memories, with emotions, and with lost hopes and dreams. I am realizing now, what in my stupidity, I lost back then.

Life is weird. Many times I have looked back and wondered what I lost and in doing so, realizing that if I was different, interpreted things differently many many things would be different in my life. Friendships I had would not be lost, relationships that mattered would be prominent still.

Life throws many curves, and I have found out that many times we act in the moment and find out years later we regret what we did, that seemed right at the time.....but in hindsight we wished we did differently.

I find myself in one such situation. I am mourning what I now realize I lost, and yet thankful for the grace of God to give me a portion of what I lost. It is not what it was, but I treasure what it is now. Why? Because I realize what I almost lost completely and I am thankful for what I have now although it wasn't what I had then. I realize the treasure I lost and am thankful for any part of that I have now.

And so as I move forward, I hope that I can remember this lesson, and learn to treasure what I have, although it may not be what I wish. For many times, I find that when I lost what I had, although it wasn't what I wished, when and if I am able to regain it, I am thankful for the lesser that I have, and regretful that I was blind to the treasure I had.