So I think I should write

But what do I write? I could do a year in review but to be honest, I don't know that I could entirely remember my year.

It's a weird life, this single parent thing.Trying to balance the needs of my children, help them with their relationships and struggles, weigh out whats best for them and advise them accordingly, while monitoring my own needs and desires in addition to working and school while providing the kids with food, shelter, clothing, but most of all GOOD memories, fun times and a sense of safety and normality.

For you see, the pciture of the "perfect" family, you know the one, withtwo parents still together, hunts us and haunts us at every turn.

Each birthday is a reminder, we are broken. Each mothers day, fathers day, easter, thanksgiving, christmas hallowe'en, canada day, summer vacation, spring break, christmas holidays, christmas recital, spring ply graduation, dance competition, it sits there silently screaming we are different, we are broken.

And so this single parenthood thing is no picnic . For I have to make us NORMAL. Which means creating family memories that they will remember where mom is smiling and laughing on the outside while not letting them see, glimpse or even dream that the insides might be screaming and howling at the unfairness and the not normalness of the whole situation. Not let them see that things should be different and that I failed them in this way. Not letting them know that a broken heart beats and with each beat bleeds tears about all that I want to give to them......expecially the knowledge that they, that we are NOT different and that our life is just fine and perfect.

And yet, when those tears come, those heart wrenching tears cuz they don't want to go to dads cuz it means leaving mom and they cannot balance the two, I have to hold them and tell them all is well and everything will be fine even though I myself am screaming that it is NOT fine. And then after they are smiling, I turn, drive home and weep silently in the dark at all in our life that is NOT fine.

The demons of single parenthood greet us at every turn, taunting and teasing me...

And so I pray, God make our 2011 a year when we can be NORMAL. When the demons no longer taunt, when we can know that we stand in your favour and your blessing and when our dreams of a normal family become reality.