The Lord gives.....

and the Lord takes away. It can be a comforting verse. In fact, it was a verse I clung to during my separation with my x. The Lord gave me my x, and then my three children, and then he took my x away. And for me that was the better thing.

And yet now.........

Now I am faced with a situation where the Lord took away......and it makes no sense to me as to the why.... I have always been a person that, if given a reason why, if given some rational or logical understanding, then I can accept a lot of things. Even the things that are most hated.

And yet, I struggle. I struggle with the seemingly nonsensical things that occur. The things that I cannot reason. The things that I cannot understand. It makes me question a lot of things.

Does it make me question my faith? Does it make me question my God? No!

Why you ask?

Well the reasons run something along the lines of this. I do not know God's reason. In fact, many times God and I have arguments as to the why and wherefore of things. In fact, we have had many a heated argument as to His reasoning.

But what I must remember, even in the face of this tragedy, is that God is in control. He knows best and He has His reasons.

Oftentimes, as parents, we ask our children to do certain things that they neither like nor understand. Yet we demand it of them. To us it is reasonable, to them, they think we are punishing them.

In the coming weeks, that is what I must remember. When I hold my crying sister, when I comfort her little ones, that is what I must remember.

When I hide my tears from my children, when I sob into and fall asleep on a tear soaked pillow, that is what I must remember.

And to be honest? It SUCKS and I HATE IT. AND I AM ANGRY AND HURT AND I ACHE MORE THAN CAN BE DESCRIBED

and i trust and hold onto a hope and believe and pray and try to remember to  breathe.......