So right now I am sitting in the Wong Centre at my university waiting to meet a girl. I spent the entire drive in pondering hope. Now if we were to look up God's concept it would be that we place our hope in Him and therefore that hope will not disappoint. Why? Because God will not disappoint us. And even if we think He will or did, He always has something better up His sleeve for us. Something that we maybe cannot picture at this point.
So here's where I am stuck. I have a life of hope disappointed. Granted, partly my fault as I place my hope in earthly things/people as opposed to my Heavenly Father. Nonetheless, it is what it is. My experience tells me hope does disappoint. So what have I done? Well, in a number of areas, I have become resigned. I have spoken about this with a few girlfriends of mine. For so many many years in my life, hope has disappointed and so now I no longer hope. Instead, I turned hope off and became resigned. Not bitter, not angry, not resentful, just resigned. Not sure which is worse, for with anger there is still fuel to the fire. With resignation, there's nothing really....
BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!! I have a situation here, where potentially many dreams of mine, those that I have held onto since I was a tot, may come true. Operational word being MAY. So what do I do? I want to hope, and yet I am terrified to do so. Why? Let's recall that when I hope...it disappoints. So if I hope, it feels like I am setting myself up for disappointment. Can I do that one more time? Can I hope that these dreams might just possibly become a reality for me? There's a lot at stake if I do. And to be honest, if they don't come to pass, I'm not entirely sure I could recover from that. I'm not entirely convinced that I could pick up the once more shattered pieces of my heart that by now are surely unrecognizeable (sp???) and figure out how to put them all back together again. I'm not even convinced they could BE put back together again.
Now of course the Christian answer is: put your hope and trust and faith in God. Yes...I get that...but....me and God are on a learning curve here. I know in my head that if this doesn't come to pass, then God has something better in store for me. Trust me, I have heard the answers all my life. Problem again: my head and heart don't always match up with what they know.
Many people reading this will say: "you can do it, you are strong enough to get through this one..." Maybe that's so. Maybe I could. I know I will survive. I have three beautiful, amazing creatures whom God saw fit to gift to me, for their sake I will survive, I'm just concerned as to the state I will be in when I walk out the other side. If I am resigned now....where would that leave me then?
So I sit here and contemplate my options...hope and maybe trust along with that. Or shut things down now. That doesn't seem a feasible option either though, for my heart seems to be already too much invested. So....I guess I hope and wait and figure out how the hell I will pick up after this. Franklly speaking, I don't like either of my options.
Hope is somewhat akin to blind faith and too often we go into a situation with our eyes shut tight hoping to come out the other side unscathed. You no longer do this, you go in eyes open to the fact that you may (key word here) be disapointed. That's just being realistic and somewhat survivalist as well. Hope is not a bad thing but when we put all our wants in the hands of hope yes it can be droped like a hot potatoe. But to not hope means not only have you resigned yourself, but you've given up and I don't think you have. Don't give up hope, just see your hope for what it is and do what you need to do to facilitate a positive outcome. To put all your hope and trust in another person can end in disapointment for sure, to put hope and trust in yourself and your abilities even if the out come is not entirely what you wanted at least you know better how to deal with self disapointment rather than being disapointed in another, which can have devastating consequence depending on the situation.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong person, you are capable and you can still have all the hope in the world, just don't rely on it make sure you always have a plan B "B"ecause you may need it. You don't strike me as the complacent type, when you resign yourself you become complacent and when that happens, you may as well give up all your dreams because they require a certain amount of hope in order to come to life. I hear you tho, I know what disapointment feels like, we all have lived it, but maybe look at it this way, hope is not disapointing, life is disapointing in general, some days good some bad. Placing hope next to disapointment is like saying 'I really want this but I know I'm not going to get it so why bother?' Well, bother, and keep bothering until you do get it, never give up, never give in and always remember He does have a plan, whether you like it or not. LOL Chin up!
Tammy.