running theme in my life

Right now, there is a running theme in my life and this has been deemed my place to vent so vent I'm going to.

There you are warned.

I AM TIRED!!11 EXHAUSTED!!!! WITH NO REAL DESIRE TO "KEEP PUSHING PLAY" ON THIS LIFE OF MINE.

It's been a long hard road on a number of fronts. On the surface: it's been a long hard 5 years. FIVE years that I didn't count on. Five years since I left my x and stumbled my way into this single mom, student, employee thing I've got going. And here's my confession: I didn't see this. I really didn't factor in five years of pain with no support and fighting this alone. I honestly thought that by this time two things would have happened. One, I would be done with my degree and two: I would have found someone which would have eased a ton of things in my life. I am tired of hearing my daughter beg to have some mommy and daughter time....."maybe we could go shopping or to a movie" and not knowing how I can make her simple wish come true, cuz right now, I can't pay bills and make ends meet, let alone find some money to take her out. I am also so very tired of feeling "icky" and "slimy" for all the things I have to do to make this work.

I'm tired of dreaming alone and stretching myself so thing trying to do it all to satisfy everyone. I am just really really tired and I sit without hope that things will ever change at this point.

And more so, I am tired of my life. I am tired of fighting demons I didn't know existed. I am tired of barely surviving. I am tired of fighting for survival and freedom when I don't know what freedom is. I am tired sucking it up and convincing myself things will turn around when I wake up and stare the same problems in the face without a resolution. If we are fighting for territory here, I think the problems are winning.

I am tired of putting my dreams on hold. And I am coming to the point, where I don't even know if I can even dream them anymore. It feels very much like I am watching them die, a slow brutal death that is painful for everyone involved. Where each day brings the dream a little weaker, a little more unable to grab another breath, a little more hopeless that things will change, and a little more reality that my dreams, that I held so precious to my heart, are just that...dreams....pie in the sky....empty and substance less.......nebulous without form......just empty air.

I'm tired. I'm done in. And I hate this holding position....

Slowly, I am turning off.....