Tired

Today, I am tired. I feel done. I feel that I have bourne too much in life and I feel worn.

This week was a hard week in the life of me. If you have read the past few blogs, you will know that for near the entire month my daughter has been sick with no reprieve. Many blood tests. Many tears. Much exhaustion and many flashbacks to when I was so very very sick, and wished I would die. Just to not be sick.

On top of that, this has been the hardest week of my counseling career. I have had to be the MCFD caller. It sucks. Yet I know, in my head, its what was needed. But you see...I have been on the other side of the MCFD. I have been the one investigated (out of spite, mind you). But I went under intensive and thorough investigation. Not once. But twice. And so I know that I did when I made that call. And yet I knew that that call needed to be made.

But you know what? It sucks. It hurts. And I hate it. And I hope and pray that the clients involved can turn things around because of it.

Then today, I heard. I have to get surgery. It should be routine. But nonetheless.

And I have been doing this journey for far too long by myself. I have been doing it physically now for near 5 years. But I had been doing it far long before that, by myself.

And so I am tired. I am tired of managing all the things I do with the care that I do BY MYSELF>

Sometimes, I want shoulders to lean on. I want arms to wrap around me and tell me that it will be ok, cuz they are taking care of things and they will make it alright.

I want to not worry, how bills will be paid, where food will come from and how I can manage to give my kids the things their friends have but are extremely difficult for me to provide. I am tired of having to make tough choices. Who gets paid? and if I borrow from Peter to pay Paul, who pays Peter?

I am tired of living on the edge of nothing.

I am tired of worrying and thinking and trying to figure how at the end of the month, I can give everyone just a little something to get them off my back.

I am tired of pouring myself into my clients, showing them the way out, for I once traveled there, but having no one to pour into me.

I am tired of investing my heart into others to have it shunned.

I am tired of not mattering.

Simply?

I am tired.......

I need to sleep....

I need energy....

I need hope.....

But tomorrow, I will wake up, and face my demons, put a smile on my face and give my kids barely just enough so that they don't completely comprehend that for us things are different....and wonder.....how at then end of the day.......bills will be paid....and I won't wake up to the threatening letters or phone calls....

I.........