En Garde

I have been recently giving this concept some thought and I actually had a discussion around it with a male friend of mine. And just what the implications are. Now,"en garde" is generally used in fencing and it is a call for the fencers to get ready and assume their fencing stances. But digging a little further, I found some more. En garde literally means "on your guard" and it means to assume a defensive stance ready to be attacked.

But here's the thing, for us women, this is how we live. And it came to my attention when I was at work. I was downtown doing my beer tasting and a gentleman who referred to himself "as a gay guy" remarked on how whenever they have tasters come into the shop the security guys hit on them without any regard to the personal space of the taster and how he. as a gay guy, found it amusing to watch. Now bear in mind, tasters are usually women. So as my shift played out, I was the recipient of exactly what that gentleman said. Two out of the three security guards, not only hit on me but pursued it to the point of wanting my phone number and one being somewhat touchy-feely. Which brings me back to how I started this blog: en garde. It's not something restricted to fencing. This may be an extreme example but you can find it anywhere. Everywhere women go we are subjected to attention from males, wanted or not. Thus we live in a perpetual state of being "en garde." Constantly having to watch our back and be prepared to find a new, more convincing way to stave off unwanted attention; be that cat-calls, whistles, rude remarks or physical contact (yes I have been the recipient of all of the above). So apart from perhaps our own homes, when we venture out into the world, our mental/emotional/physical state is geared up, in a defensive stance against attack, in this case male attention. This is an exhausting way to live. Not only are we geared up to find a way to verbally stave off attention but it affects our physiology as well. Our physical bodies tighten up as a low level of flight/fight kicks in. And depending on the circumstances, that flight/fight mechanism can be stronger adding more stress to our system which will manifest physically/emotionally/mentally. Although I have some theories, I am not about to wax on about what I think are the causal factors as to why men think this is appropriate. That is a different blog for a different day. However, I do know this: the toll that it takes on women is enormous and taxing. All because we are women: we live "en garde."

judgement

So I'm sitting here, faced with a horrid prospect. One that no mother wants to face, one that every single mother fights to ensure does not happen to her kids. And God has once again lifted the blinders over my eyes to some things. However the temptation is just as real. So many times we speak in disdain of single mothers who do the unthinkable to ensure that their children eat and have various comforts. And now....today...i am faced with that decision. I know that I could obtain the resources that I need and I know that I could do so very quickly and very easily. No one would be the wiser.........least of all my kids........their life would carry on and be filled with wondrous things. And so here I sit. My moral compass is strong as is my moral fibre.........but........desperation is also very real. And somehow it speaks far more strongly than my morals right now. So its two hours til they come home.....a lot could be done in two hours.....and they wouldnt know. What they would know is that they have good food and toys and they would feel loved. Mothers sell their souls for their children, why do I think I can be different??? And so I sit and contemplate the unthinkable.....knowing that it is as simple as a walk next door...........