judgement

So I'm sitting here, faced with a horrid prospect. One that no mother wants to face, one that every single mother fights to ensure does not happen to her kids. And God has once again lifted the blinders over my eyes to some things. However the temptation is just as real. So many times we speak in disdain of single mothers who do the unthinkable to ensure that their children eat and have various comforts. And now....today...i am faced with that decision. I know that I could obtain the resources that I need and I know that I could do so very quickly and very easily. No one would be the wiser.........least of all my kids........their life would carry on and be filled with wondrous things. And so here I sit. My moral compass is strong as is my moral fibre.........but........desperation is also very real. And somehow it speaks far more strongly than my morals right now. So its two hours til they come home.....a lot could be done in two hours.....and they wouldnt know. What they would know is that they have good food and toys and they would feel loved. Mothers sell their souls for their children, why do I think I can be different??? And so I sit and contemplate the unthinkable.....knowing that it is as simple as a walk next door...........

Fathers Day

I have been laying low today, giving myself a much needed rest. In doing so, though, my brain has space to go. (If someone knows of the off switch do let me know). So I have been thinking. Today I don't see my dad, he lives in Alberta. I will phone him later and talk with him. So I start to think on what I would have done in previous years. Well, inevitably I would have celebrated with the kids and their dad. They are with him now. So if I wasnt doing that, I would go to my extended family's and see my grampa. He passed away last fall. And so here I sit.

I got a text message today, wishing me a happy Father's Day. Then a g/f wished me the same. Yes my children have a relationship with their father but anyone who knows of my life, knows I am mom and dad to my kids. Here's the kicker, I don't know how to be dad. I don't know what a dad would want to instill in his children. My own relationship with my dad is NOT one to be emulated. My children's dad, well I don't think he should have the title. So the question remains, what do I, their mom, need to teach my children, in place of a dad?

I know two general things: for my boys, I aim to teach them to be gentlemen, hold doors open for women be chivalrous. This one I know is working. My little man Jamie always holds the doors open for me and for women and in fact the other day scooted out of the car and ran around to the drivers side door and opened it for me. I melted as do all women for whom jamie holds or opens the door (although he is very quick to remind me that I need to remember to thank him!). With Jeff this lesson is a little harder and neither of the boys do that for their sister. I know this lesson is more than holding a door open, it is about treating women with respect.

Missy: this one is harder I think to teach, I need to teach her to choose a man, but I need to show her not to find one that is like her father for that is what us girls do. We seek in a mate a relationship that emulates one with our dad. So for this one, I need to teach her against that, and teach her that she is a woman and she deserves to be treated iwth utmost respect and dignity and that her voice deserves to be heard and listened to.

Lastly: I need to teach my boys how to be a spiritual head of their household and I need to teach them that that does NOT mean that they demand control through God's word but rather that they lay themselves down for their spouses and families just as Christ did for his Bride. I need to teach these boys that it is not earthly wisdom spun through Christian verbiage that dictates how they lead their homes, but rather it is a living breathing intimate relationship with their Saviour and the wisdom that comes as a result that will be how they lead their homes.
For Missy: I need to teach her that a wife supports her husband and encourages him and is his strength. However, in this manner I also need to teach her that that does NOT mean that she becomes a door mat but rather that if she is opposed to the thoughts of her spouse that she too gently seeks wisdom for her intimate relationship with her Saviour and gently challenges her husband on his thoughts.

I'm stuck.....first off, is this all? What else does a dad teach his children that I am missing here? Sure there are the more practical things like changing a tire and changing oil and killing bugs etc etc but what more am I missing? There must be more that I don't see cuz Im a girl not a guy and not a dad although i have to be dad.

It's a hard place to be, teaching my children things a dad should when i am not a dad and don't have a good relatioinship with my own dad to fall back on.

Not sure what I will do.........how will I manage to be mom and dad?

So for dads or those of you who know dads who would answer this question, I have posed it in my notes on FB. What is it that a dad teaches his sons, and teaches his daughters.......for now I must be mom and dad.......

happy fathers day to me?????