judgement

So I'm sitting here, faced with a horrid prospect. One that no mother wants to face, one that every single mother fights to ensure does not happen to her kids. And God has once again lifted the blinders over my eyes to some things. However the temptation is just as real. So many times we speak in disdain of single mothers who do the unthinkable to ensure that their children eat and have various comforts. And now....today...i am faced with that decision. I know that I could obtain the resources that I need and I know that I could do so very quickly and very easily. No one would be the wiser.........least of all my kids........their life would carry on and be filled with wondrous things. And so here I sit. My moral compass is strong as is my moral fibre.........but........desperation is also very real. And somehow it speaks far more strongly than my morals right now. So its two hours til they come home.....a lot could be done in two hours.....and they wouldnt know. What they would know is that they have good food and toys and they would feel loved. Mothers sell their souls for their children, why do I think I can be different??? And so I sit and contemplate the unthinkable.....knowing that it is as simple as a walk next door...........

Always, Forever

Ch
Always and forever
My heart beats just for you
Always and forever
I am in love with you

V1
I woke this morning all alone
For you were not with me
but over morning coffee
I made this discovery

V2
It matters not just what you do
Or what you say to me
For you have taken my whole heart
In your love I’m free

CH

Although our time may cease to love
My heart will remain true
No matter where our paths may go
My love you’ll never lose

V3
Our future sits in silent mute
For nothings guaranteed
Except that i will love you
And that will set you free

Br
Always
You
Forever
Me
Baby baby
Can’t you see

2, 3, 4

Two, three, four

I sat down to write this letter
To say what’s in my heart
I put the pen to paper
But had no where to start
so

CH.
Breathe 2, 3, 4
Sigh, 2, 3, 4
Breathe 2, 3, 4
And cry

The times we sit together
You put your hand in mine
Time stands still, just you and me
Life becomes defined
And

CH.

But this is just our fairytale
Its never guaranteed
I live for just this moment
And hold you close to me
Go

The night robs us of our love
And you’re no longer mine
Ill hate and hurt and love and cry
But i have you for this time
Remember

CH.

Br.
But Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
Que sera sera
so breathe
Still

CH.

graduation-dedicated to Jeffrey, Rick and Steph

So, I took my kids out for a picnic dinner by the river in a VERY secluded spot tonight. We played cards, I snapped some pictures and I got to thinking. Not necessarily my best course of action. I have a 14 year old and on tues he graduates from middle school and moves into the dreaded high school. I am nervous and scared and I sit on tenterhooks wondering if he is going to make it.

Let me tell you a little about my son. Last March, 14 years ago, he was born to a very naive 20 year old. He was my pride and joy and he was a beautiful baby. I remember the grueling 11 hours of labour, the 45 minutes of pushing and snapping at his dad when I wanted my nurse and his dad refused to get her. Despite what I thought was a grueling labour everything went well wiht no complications and mom and baby were fine.

I remember not letting him go to sleep in the nursery, rather I held my baby and he slept with me and I nursed my baby. I remember teh excitement of taking my beautiful son home. I woke that morning full of exciting anticipation. Yet I woke to horror untold, one of my journeys into hell.

In order to properly understand this, I urge you, before you read on, try and remember what you were doing when you were 20, trying and remember where your head was at.

I woke that morning, it was a sunny morning. I looked at my beautiful son and knew something was wrong. On the crown of his head, were boils, seeping a puss that was the colour of mustard, I was covered in it, he was convered in it and our bedding was covered in it. I immediately called the nurse and she came in adn took a look and my son and took him away. They got my doctor on the phone immediately and he rushed down to the hospital, His dad comes in with a huge smile, we were going to bring our baby home and I was left to tell him "We aren't going home" but that's all I could say because no one knew anything. My GP finally came in to see me, without my son. They have put him in the special care nursery because he is now a very sick little boy. BUT............we don't get to be with the other babies, we are terribly ill and no one, not my GP, not one nurse in the hospital and not two of the best pediatricians, know what is wrong with my son. Because they don't know what's wrong with him, they don't know what to tell me, and they don't know what to do. Not only that NO ONE could tell me if my beautiful baby would even LIVE!!!! And so I hustled it down to the isolation room. I needed to be wiht my son, for it might be the last few hours I spend with him and he needed to know that he was loved and that he was loved passionately and desperately. He needed to know that he was a gift and joy and I was going to pour into him as much as I humanly could in the what might very possibly be remaining minutes I had with him.

Then they kicked me out of his room. They were going to do a spinal tap for the dreaded M word---Meningitis. While they did that, they did a full medical work up on him, although he had passed all his baby tests with flying colors. I feel compelled to remind you at this point, I am 20 years old. So after all their tests, which to me was time away from my baby who might die any minute, they let me back in, to kick me out again as they realize the first spinal tap didn't take and now they have to do a second. I was loathe to leave. I needed to be by my baby. He needed his Mommy and i may only have those remaining few minutes with him, no one could tell me otherwise, they didnt know why he was so very very sick.

And so began our course of meds. Seven antibiotics through his system four times a day per med. Round the call meds at this point. And the heart monitors and my midnight watches. And on top of this they made me leave with no guarantee, my son would be alive the next morning when I got there. I would not leave til 1 or 2 am and i did wahtever I could to make them let me stay. But they refused me. But I was back around 5 in the morning and they didn't like that but what the hell did they expect? No one could tell me my son woudl live.

Next came the photographer. He carried with him a camera I had never seen before. It had a ring flash. He asked me to hold Jeffrey against my chest with his face in my chest and he proceeded to focus the camera. Once this was done, he asked me to look away for the flash woudl blind me. And he took many pictures of Jeffrey's head.

Also at this time, was my nursing insanity. Any moment that I was not holding Jeffrey or nursing Jeffrey, i was pumping milk for him, for he was not goign to have formula, He needed breast milk to aid in fighting whatever it was that he had, I had so much milk stored for my bud that we didnt use it all but i was NOT going to allow him to have formula if I could help it. I think the nurses thought I was insane but I knew I needed to give him every chance of survival I could. I was not going to let him die if I could help it.

Jeffrey was admitted to the NICU on a thursday. Days passed, still no word. Friday came and went, sat and sun came and went and still nothing. They have not ruled anything out and they do not know anything more than they did before. Monday came and went....nada. Tuesday dawned and we have news....its not meningitis. And here's the kicker. Jeffrey was so very sick because of me. Unbeknownst to anyone, I carried the strep/staff infection in my birth canal and during Jeffrey's 45 minutes of sitting there, he got sick. I made my child so very very sick. This was my fault. The weight of that crushed me. I did this. What the hell kind of mother am I going to be, I DID IT!

But now we know, now we can treat. On Thursday, one week after he was supposed to go home, I took my son home, overjoyed and yet laden with guilt. Jeffrey was since written up in the medical books and as a result all women now get tested in the third trimester of pregnancy to see if htey are carriers. If they are, they get a shot of antibiotics and then IV antibiotics during labour and delivery.

My son became healthy and was a joy to everyone whereever we go, He was a charismatic little soul that attracted everyone whereever he went. But I wouldnt let him out my sight. I nearly lost him once it was not goign to happen again. Where he went, I went. Where I went, he went.

Then I had Missy and Jeffrey turned, He was four when he became a different child, I fought for him and always will. I fight the hardest for this one. Why? Because I will not let him suffer anymore. He nearly died, and upon that time, an instinct kicked in me to fight for all i am worth for this one. It is something that I still do. And I don't see that ever changing......EVER! So that boy has undergone many things, two years of being bullied, a loss of his stability of family, witnessing the abuse of his brother, the antagonism of his father to his mother, bullying from his father and the dismissal of his faith from his father, so so many things that a child should never be put through. And I lost my son. I lost that beautiful beautiful child who brought joy whereever he went.

I entereed graduate school and stumbled upon a new therapy. And I put Jeffrey in it, three times so far. And now I owe so much to one of the founders, Rick Bradshaw. I also owe so much to his therapist, Steph Moyen, Jeffrey has been to this therapy three times. THREE TIMES!!!! As a result, I have my son back. The beautiful, joyous happy boy who attracted people to himself is re-emerging. My long lost son is back!!!!

And so Jeffrey, as you graduate, I want to tell you this. I am so so very proud of you. I love you dearly and there is nothing on the face fo heaven or earth that I would not do for you my beautiful boy turning man. I will fight hell for you dear dear Jeffrey. You are the best hting that happened to me, and I cannot begin to find the words to tell you just how much I love you, just how much I want nothing but good for you and just how much I am proud of you. You are here, you are alive and you are the most precious gift that God saw fit to give me. I would give up everything and anything for you my son. YOu have done your mother so so proud. You have been handed a hell of a life and you have walked it the best that you can and as you continue to walk it, you shall become a strong strong man of great character. Satan will curse in the morning for you are getting out of bed and you will be a force to be reckoned with. In all the gentleness of your heart and spirit, satan has underestimated his match.

I bless you dear son, and i congradulate you for a job well done. I pray that you have an ever seeking heart for the one who loves you more than I, Jesus.

And know this my beloved.....there is nothing in heaven, in hell or on earth taht could make me stop fighting for you or make me stop loving you, for you my precious son are worth every drop of my blood that may spill and every stream of tears that trials down my cheeks, I could not ask for a better son and I could nto be more proud of you than I am.

Thank you Jeffrey.

PS-Thank you Rick and thank you Steph..........you gave me the gift of my son.........

ouch

ok, so, so not impressed with today. I have been sitting here playing bejewelled and reflecting on things and it appears that I might be destined to loving those who don't love me back and least not in the manner or to the degree that I love. It sucks, cuz it hurts. And I have to wonder about God's wisdom in this.





in wondering about his wisdom, I started to reflect on us and Him and our relationship with him and all I can say is I am glad I am not God. He willingy chose to love us, despite the fact that we may not love him back at if we do, it is definitely not in the measure that He loves us.





I love and I have loved, those who choose not to love me back in the same measure. And the thing is, I can't not love them. I know that much so I don't fight. There's no point. I have relationships where I know part of the bigger spiritual perspective of these relationships. there is joy in them tobe sure, but there is also pain, there is anticipation and there is potential rejection and it all seems to go hand in hand. And I wonder how does God do it? How does He risk it all, to love us who may choose to reject HIm, how does he do it and choose to love us and even if we love back it is no where close to being in the same measure that He loves us? I know from my minute earthly experience what the risk brings for me, I know that there are those I love that will never love me back and to be honest? there are times I curse it and hate it cuz it hurts and me and pain don't get along so well



And yet, I would gladly take the pain of those ones that I love in this manner if it meant sparing them, thats the depth of it. That's what my love mandates. Go figure. Me who hates pain, would gladly take it on to spare those I love.



Love.............crazy crazy thing we got going here.....



not sure what to do with it...........I was thinking today I might write a book on it, cause there are some instances that I know my persepctive is different from most, and then i think this way and know that I have no idea waht it is and how to manage it.............I simply love with all the pain that that may entail..........

I was thinking earlier today that I may write a book on this and I know that I hae a unique perspective on it. And then I thought of htis tonight and I realize there are so many things that about love that I still have yet to understand.

And yet bottom line, there are those I love who may never return it, there are those I love whom i know WILL never return it. Can I stop loving them? Not if I want to remain true to who i am. Does it hurt, this knowledge? Hurts like hell. Can I change it? Likely not. I am so glad I am not God as I can only take this in small doses, never could I withstand this to the level He does.

And so I sit and love..........and I sit and cry.........and I sit and love..........with all its gruesome pain.......I sit and love, for I have no other recourse, I can't stop loving and so perhaps I should try and learn to embrace it......

For now..........I love..........