Freedom Isn't Free

I sat today with my son. He and I both have insanely tender hearts. This year, Remembrance Day has become vitally important to him. He and I sat and watched the ceremonies and we held each other and we cried. Then we watched some videos and we cried some more.

I find that far too often we give Remembrance Day a cursory nod. We may or may not take the minutes of silence before we go about our day. When my x and I were together, there was most definitely not any remembering. In fact, it was simply another day off. Yay! for the day off.

This really bothers me. There should be far more honor given to this day and to those who fought and so humbly I offer this gift;

Our freedom isn’t free
There's a price that’s paid
For you and me
Our freedom isn’t free
A soldier’s lifeblood
Satisfies the currency

“Lest we forget!”
We hear the cry
In front of our tv
We sit in the warmth
Of hearth and home
And watch the ceremony

In Flanders Fields
Our children say
With poppies on their breast
Unbeknownst to them
The cost it takes
As men forever rest

Too often now
We rush the day
With but a cursory nod
Our lives move on
We‘ve things to do
so we wear a solemn facade

The time has come
To stop our lives
For a minute, maybe two
Let’s honor those
Who choose to give
Their lives and blood and souls

strength

So today I saw a client which is a bit abnormal for usually I see clients on Thursdays. Well today I was forutnate enough to witness inner strength. And some things finally came together for me.

Today I saw a client that has undergone untold amounts of trauma. In session I presented this client with a course of action that I thought would be most beneficial in aiding their healing. However, I asked a lot of this client as I laid out our therapeutic journey. I know I asked a lot.

 I am asking this client to step out of their current comfortable coping mechanisms and entertain a new therapeutic method that will not only ease the trauma but give them new coping mechanisms. However, this requires some vulnerability and this requires looking at and facing things that this client would prefer to never face again.

So today I saw this client gather their inner resources and go where no man has gone before.....back into their past to face their story.  I saw this client, inhale deeply, gather their resources and go there. And I was awed as time and time again in our sesssion despite the overwhelming intensity of emotions, despite the exhaustion that continued to mount. This client continually pulled out more and more and fought through deeper and deeper.

As I drove home, my thoughts turned to the inner strength of this client and how despite everything they have already suffered, they continued to pull out more and more, keep going and push through knowing their life and their freedom is at stake.

And I turned inward at this point and reflected on myself. Many many times, especially during this last bit of my scholastic journey, I have often been seen as being strong. That has never made sense to me, never resonated with me. For in my view I did what I had to do.

But perhaps, just maybe....what I saw in my client today, this fight to push through and garner thier freedom, this fight to keep going when pain is too intense, emotions are too overwhelming and exhaustion looms around the corner, perhaps that is what others see. And perhaps that is why they term me strong. Maybe what I saw in my client today, is seen in me. What I saw my client do today, left me in awe and inspired by her strength. Maybe thats what others see in me. This same thing.

Thank you my client of today, for letting me learn from you.

reflection

Some things occurred over the past week which has left me living the past week on tenterhooks. And today I got some news that drastically affects my life. As I sit here digesting the news, I stop and reflect. From receiving the news, I went to pick up Jamie. I held him tighter and hugged him closer today. Missy is still at school and then Jeff came home. And I too held the boy turning man a little tighter and whispered I love you. I sit here typing, reflecting and to be honest with tears threatening to fall. Oops one fell. So I sit and ponder. We often strive for so much in life. I strive to provide my kids with the "things" that other kids have so they won't feel left out for I know how devastating that feeling can be to a child. And yet, when it all boils down to it and I sit here and reflect on this news, material things have taken a backseat. I'm not thinking of those things as I sit here and type and hear my precious 7 year olds voice reading out loud. As I  glance over and see my 14 year old, having done his homework, playing on his computer. I stare out my back door and remember what is important. And it si:

a 7 year olds arms wrapped tight around my neck in a koala cuddle
a 14 year olds voice cracking as he enters manhood.
upturned faces looking for a kiss from mama.
the sparkle of pride in the young eyes of those reaching achievement on homework
the mischevous grin of a 14 year old coaching a 7 year old to do what he wont dare
the little girl voice raging at me for having to practice one more time
the golden hair that the sun trying to peek through glints off  of
the peaceful rhythmic breathing of a child asleep as long lashes brush rosy cheeks
boys giggling at farting
girls squealing at boys giggling at farting

these are just what im currently experiencing in these few moments that I type to you

so...

if you have been so lucky with being loaned the treasure of a little one

despite the frustration that occurs with raising them
despite how they seem to unknowingly know how to push your buttons

hug them a little tighter tonight
hold them closer
cuddle them longer

for you never know if and when you and they may be ripped apart.

It isnt easy parenting children. In fact it is an experience that comes with levels of angst and frustration and anger that is unparalleled. And yet it also comes with unconditional love where once upon a time, you get to feel like that superhero that you dreamed of being when you were a child. For to a child's eyes, you truly are their superhero.

love on them today and thank the Lord for you precious gifts.

ok so....

here's how it goes. today for whatever reason is an emotionally charged day. my lost blog post was written somewhat thoughtlessly and more based on an unjustified emotional response. it was a gut reaction kind of thing. but my gut reaction has hurt a dear close friend of mine with whom i have no desire to hurt. therefore after been contacted by said friend who i found i hurt i decided to delete my last blog and instead post this public apology.

you know who you are and i am going to publicly state here taht I am sorry my thoughtlessness and gut reaction caused you pain. i refuse to name your name for the sake of your privacy. nonetheless you know who you are.

so i want you to know. i offer no excuses or justifications for my actions because the bottom line of it all is that my thoughtlessnes hurt you and that is what matters.

so i am asking for your forgiveness and i deeply regret having hurt you.

Trust

 This is a tough one for me, for more times than I can count trust has been broken in my life. Far too many time with people who should not break it. Which leaves me in a position of trusting many people. And here's the kicker. For some reason, my head holds God responsible. My thinking goes something along the lines of this. Things were out of control. I was too young to stop them. God isnt. He is all  powerful and therefore had the ability to stop damage being inflicted upon me as a child when I could not stop it. And he didn't. It very much feels like He turned a blind eye and a deaf ear. And therefore, I have difficulty trusting him to continue to care for me as things are getting harder and harder without any answers on the horizon. So what does taht boil down to? Trust.

Ok, so I know my theology is wrong here. And I know that God allows all people free will and that leaves people to have the ability to harm others. I get that, on a head level. I struggle with it on a heart level. For the little girl inside me cries out at the unfairness of it all and cannot figure out why things had to happen this way.

So now I am faced with some hard hard things in front of me. And as far as I can see there is no way out. So what must I do? Trust.

And to tell you the truth that leaves me riding a roller coaster. There are times when I am stronger and I can sit and choose to trust. Then there are other times like today, when I feel like I have been blind sided and all I can do for the most part is sit in a depressed mood and cry and worry and fret.

So this journey into trust is certainly wracking its havoc on me. I go back to the promises God gave me and rail at Him to bring those to pass. The phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle" runs through my mind. And yet it feels like this is too much. So what does that come back to?

Trust.

Which is like asking me to move Mt Everest with nothing but my hands.  "But God....."

"Trust, my child"

"But..."

"But trust."

So here i go to figure out how to trust.

random thoughts

scrutiny

defeats

authenticity

jealousy

inhibits

potentiality

misery

curtails

destiny

agony

defeats

ecstasy

Therapeutic hangover

So, I am part of a life restoration group therapy. A couple of times a year we get together for a weekend and have an intense weekend of therapy. Well this weekend was it. In fact, we could only schedule a one day this time and yesterday was it. I am not going to go into the details about what I uncovered but suffice it to say it was a long term belief that is a core belief that I have carried all my life. This group therapy is very gestalt like and does a lot of rage work and practical work. What that means is that we get very demonstrative in our work. We get physical in our work and do hands on, re-enactments, role playing, and scene re-creation. Now in that it was deep seated root work, it was very intense. And to be honest, I don't yet believe that this subject is complete. In fact, I can see me visiting this theme for quite some time.

So today. I slept tons last night and yet today still did not feel rested. In fact, I was extremely tired and groggy.  I couldn't focus on things, I drove mechanically on a path that seemed vaguely familiar to me. And it was familiar, it just was not where I intended to go.The aftermath of my 8 hours of therapy felt similar to a hangover. The same things as you feel with a hangover is what I felt today. It was the oddest thing. To me, if it affected me to that degree, then it is some pretty intense deep stuff. I found that today for most of the day, I have been living in something akin to a bubble.

Lets hope that as I continue to work through this theme the effects become less and less.