Trust

 This is a tough one for me, for more times than I can count trust has been broken in my life. Far too many time with people who should not break it. Which leaves me in a position of trusting many people. And here's the kicker. For some reason, my head holds God responsible. My thinking goes something along the lines of this. Things were out of control. I was too young to stop them. God isnt. He is all  powerful and therefore had the ability to stop damage being inflicted upon me as a child when I could not stop it. And he didn't. It very much feels like He turned a blind eye and a deaf ear. And therefore, I have difficulty trusting him to continue to care for me as things are getting harder and harder without any answers on the horizon. So what does taht boil down to? Trust.

Ok, so I know my theology is wrong here. And I know that God allows all people free will and that leaves people to have the ability to harm others. I get that, on a head level. I struggle with it on a heart level. For the little girl inside me cries out at the unfairness of it all and cannot figure out why things had to happen this way.

So now I am faced with some hard hard things in front of me. And as far as I can see there is no way out. So what must I do? Trust.

And to tell you the truth that leaves me riding a roller coaster. There are times when I am stronger and I can sit and choose to trust. Then there are other times like today, when I feel like I have been blind sided and all I can do for the most part is sit in a depressed mood and cry and worry and fret.

So this journey into trust is certainly wracking its havoc on me. I go back to the promises God gave me and rail at Him to bring those to pass. The phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle" runs through my mind. And yet it feels like this is too much. So what does that come back to?

Trust.

Which is like asking me to move Mt Everest with nothing but my hands.  "But God....."

"Trust, my child"

"But..."

"But trust."

So here i go to figure out how to trust.