It ain't easy being green.

I mentioned this phrase once to a pastor of mine, it was in reference to myself. Throughout my life, I have often felt....different....out of sorts, out of place. Then as I got older, I started to draw parallels between my life and that of Job... in the Bible Job. I have often said, I did not ask to be a modern day Job for it has often felt like God abandoned me. I have faced the loss of many things, I have lost my family...perhaps not all at once...I don't think that I could have handled more than that. For a time, my father and I did not and my brother did no seem to care for me or acknowledge my existence. When we were little, he was given the chore of walking me and my sister to school and home. He made us walk several feet behind him so as to not be associated with him. Currently, I have my dad back in my life, and I semi have my brother back in my life, but I have lost my mom and my sis. I nearly lost my kids and my friends at the hands of evil. I nearly lost my job again at the hands of evil. I have lost many things and I wonder, how on earth I could keep going.

I can hear the conversation:

Satan: "I want the life of this one (referencing me), she's mine.  I will see her death and she will be mine."

God: "No, whatever you do will spare her life."

Satan: "No, I have fought the lineages for this one. I have had my eye cast on her. I will take and own her life."

God: "No! You may not have her life. Test her as you will. She will remain faithful. But DO NOT take her life."

That's something along the lines of how I imagine this conversation. And that's how it seems. Have I yelled and screamed at God? You bet, for I have often felt that the hand of cards I was dealt is beyond dealing with. I have often felt abandoned in times of need. I have felt that God should have been there but He was not, that He turned a blind eye and deaf ear toward me. I have had all manner of screaming matches and temper tantrums and taking self imposed time outs (read rebellion) from God. And yet, I have always turned back to Him, Why? For the simple fact, that I have stared at evil face on, I have looked deep into its eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that evil is a very real force to be recckoned with. I have also tried it of my own will power and its come to naught and its simply but God's grace that my feeble attempts at "fixing" things did not destroy things more.

However, I am getting tired of this. I long for freedom. I long for breakthrough and I long to live in the full comprehension of my inheritance. For that is my birthright. And so, although tired and battle worn, I will continue to press on. I was having a  conversation with God the other day. I asked for a release of my inheritance? I found my motive to be interesting. There are benefits to be sure. But the motive of my heart was so that I could bring glory to God, so that the glory would be fully His, for as I sit here and write to you, I know that I am only sitting here writing by the grace of God. So as my story unfolds......it is only by the grace of God and solely for his glory.


(But I still maintain.......it ain't easy being green)