So its 12:20 and I am still awake. Not a good thing, but likely the result of the rockstart I drank with dinner. And I got to thinking.......never a good thing at this hour. I recalled a conversation I had earlier today with a dear friend of mine who inspires me daily. She was discussing how brilliant her finace is and how that blows her mind each and every day. On a scale of 1-10 she would consider herself to be an 8 and he and 10 or maybe 11. And we were discussing the benefits and pitfalls of being matched with such an intellectual. Her question was why would he pick me when he is surrounded by brilliant women who are lawyers. Bottom line is she felt she couldn't measure up. My point to her was that there is always someone who has more skill than us and there isnt much use in comparing oursleves to that. Keep in mind, this is a woman who has undergone mental illness and fights it continually, she has not had an easy upbringing nor has she had relationships made in heaven, far be it to be exact. AND she won the SHRC award which is quite a prestigious award based on a 4.0 GPA. She inspires me.

I came home and got to thinking (told you not good), and I did the inevitable comparison and the what if's and the why's. Why aren't I smart like that. Why does what I struggle with beat me. Why don't I have the ability to push through and come out on top. Why why why.....

And then I did a reframe......considering the hell I have lived, I have succeeded. I came from an upbringing that was filled with evil of the vilest kind. I came from a background that was confusing and full of manipulation and lies and deciet. In fact, my therapist sits in awe of me when we meet for what I have been able to accomplish considering my hell. I am a single parent of three beautiful dual exceptional children that have undergone horrific trauma in their young lives. I escaped (by the grace of God) a marriage which would have killed me of that I have no doubt. I went back to school, completed a BA and got accepted into the only MA program I applied for. I did an undergrad thesis and my hypothesis showed statistical significance. I had a horrid first year in the MA program, for those who know the events, and I still succeeded to pull off A's in my grades. I have undergone slander, reputation destruction, career destruction, i constantly face the fear of having my children yanked from me and I cry over them constantly. I have big big dreams, which I believe will come to fruition. I have been told I touch more lives than I am aware. I am not bitter, I am not resentful, I am not full of anger. Do I experience those? Yes, I am human, but I do not sit there, I do not stay there.

I have become more authentic, I have become more vulnerable, i have a softer heart which sits in awe of those around me and I know that I have done none of this of my own accord. The glory certainly does not belong to me.

So am I as brilliant as my g/f? Not likely. Could I be more talented and gifted in many areas? Yup! In fact, I don't even know what my gifts are. But you know what? All this is ok. Because at the end of my day, I can look into three beautiful pairs of eyes knowing I did well by them. I can look my God in the face, knowing I did ok, despite all the things I do wrong, I at least strive to walk honourably and I know that when I look at myself I can rest and know I did ok. and I am ok. and although I am not what I want to be, although I wish I were smarter etc, I am still ok.

For me.........thats amazing

thanks for listening