The birth of Koala Cuddles!

So on Friday, Jamie was in bed cuddling with me as he does every morning. He has taken to sleeping with me at night as a security measure. Many of you, I am sure, if you think back will know the reason for this. He is 7 and I have no issue with him doing so considering what he has undergone. So he falls asleep beside me on the couch and then I take him to bed with me when I go to bed with me. I will stand him up on the couch and say arms and he wraps his arms around my neck. Then I say legs and he wraps his legs around my waist. He then sleeps with me at night and before we get up in the morning we have a bit of a cuddle session. And let me tell you this mom loves it! So at various points and becoming more frequent, Jamie will climb on top of me and lie tummy to tummy with his head on my chest and my arms wrapped around me. As he was doing this Friday, a picure flashed through my mind. Koala hugs!

Now this is what we look like, if you can imagine Mama koala lying down on her back. If you notice they are tummy to tummy and babe has buried his head into Mama. Here`s an alternate view of what I am trying to get you to envision.

The really amusing part of this all is this: when Build-A-Bear opened, I got each of the kids a bear and recorded a special message in it to each of them. A personalized message specific to them. Lo and behold what did I get Jamie?  You guessed it: a Koala Bear. And so for him and me, we now have Koala cuddles!!!

the heart

The heart is foolish at best. It sees life through rose coloured glasses. Although wounded, it can have the capacity to still love, and that can cause one to forget the pain and walk blindly into something one knows it should stay away from. It's quite a dilemna to sit in. When you are weaves a spell over you that pulls you in a direction that your head knows it not to your good. So how do we balance this? How do we decipher which way to turn. For my head and all the heads around me are syaing one thing and they all make sense.......but my heart says another. It says everyone deserves another chance, it says everyone deserve to be granted mercy and grace, it believes in the ability of people to change and it believes the best in EVERYONE.

The heart, well my heart, also takes into account its own wants and desires, and those factors do come into play. And so I find myself gearing up to walk into a situation next week where my head knows that its perhaps not a smart move but my heart sings a different song.

The hears is foolish thing..........

wierdness

So to further my post from yesterday, I was chatting with a co-graduate student and my life coach as well as a dear friend. I seem to be doing some ruminating as of late. Overall there has been a weird sense of unsettled, scattered and an overall concept of being out of control. However, there doesnt seem to be the usual angst or panic around it. Instead there seems to be a sense of calm or peace. And currently its a bit of a love hate relationship that I have with this current state of being. And it does take some getting used to, to not live in a continual state of chaos. And to be honest, the adrenalin is part what used to get me through all the time. I could count on surviving, cuz I had to and I had the adrenalin rush to push me through. Now I don't have that, and I am not sure a) that I like it and b) how to deal with this. And I thoroughly understand the benefits of not living in the state of chaos, less toll on your body and your mental, physical and emotional well being. But here's the thing, my adrenalin rush from living in chaos and surviving has been like having a best friend that is always here. I could depend on this friend to never fail when i needed him. And now, he seems to have disappeared or is maybe simply taking a holiday. And there seems to be almost a bit of grieving that goes on with it. I mean I had a long term friend who was integral to my survival and he seems to be gone with not even a good bye. Not sure what to do, i want him back although I understand that perhaps he was simply here for a time, to save me. But even more I want to thank him then. That is something that we teach our clients. As a child you no doubt learned certain styles of coping and lets face it, they may no longer be appropriate but they were there for a time, and they had an integral purpose...........YOUR SURVIVAL!!!!!!!! However, they may now be doing you a disservice as they are no longer healthy or appropriate. As such, they need to be honoured and grieved, for they were a part of you that helped you overcome what you needed to overcome. So, if you find yourself in a similar position to me, do yourself a favour, honour that gift that you had, treasure it and grieve it as you let go and learn into healthier ways.

And so I sit, in this between the spaces place. I seem to be hovering in between the past and the not yet. Its a wierd floaty space....seems kind of void and empty, nothing to really hold onto and somewhat surreal. Its like there is this place where I sit and watch things go on around me and I remain untouched but it all..........

things that make you go hmmm

Blogging

I must say that i am in a bit of a conundrum. I am sitting feeling that so much has happened in the recent past and I feel as if I am on the verge of so much more happening and I don't even know where to begin, which is also weird cuz usuallyl i can write.

So....let's see I had my first intern client last thursday, taht seemed to go well. And I have a client that specifically requested me and I have managed to work our schedules so I can see her. That is good. I have some buisness things in the works in which some extremely exciting things are happening. I saw the wonderful reaches of humanity today as people stepped otuside of themselves to help out a friend's son. It was wonderful too see some good and it should be celebrated in this day and age when all we hear is economic crisis and all we read is one horror story after another.

I am in the midst of some self refleciton, two big ones for me in the past little bit, one to do wiht the handling of feedback and one to do with my sleep....

I was faced wiht the possibility of H1N1 in my house.......that wa a shock and it was overwheming to sort through all the things that I was going to have to do...but alas, God kept us safe from it.

I find that I am living in more peace, there seems to be a lighter air about me. My unfilled dreams don't seem to weigh so heavy and I am not sure why....perhpas its the same thing that makes me think I am on the verge of a breakthrough cuz although crisis still goes on, I seem to be sitting above it.

So that brings me once again to this not having something to blog about. there seems to be a sense of privacy that is exisitng in me right now and I don't rightfully understand it....so i apologize that I don't seem to have much to say. I did promise that I would be authentic though and I don't know that it gets much more authentic then this......

Life coaching

So, one of the current ongoing things to do as of late, is to get connected with a life coach.I have often thought of doing so but their going rate is pretty expensive. Nonetheless, I have always seen that as being an assest. Having someone by your side that is about your best in any given situation, having someone to bounce things off of, to check ur actions in with, to get an outside perspective on, it's a good thing. Now, I'm sure there are a lot of people that think that it would be a waste of money, but the productivity benefit outwieghs the cost.

Take for instance procrastination. now this is something that many people often struggle with. The benefit of having a life coach is that they have developed knowldge in these stupid quirky things and can provide you with strategies to overcome them. Not only that, but hte provide accountability as well as being someone who is rooting for yoru success which can be a handy thing on those days when life just did not go as planned.

take me for instance...I have grown up with a lot of habits that were working for me in the time that I needed to use them. however, i am grown now and these skills that were of benefit to me for a period of my life are no longer of successful service to me. however, I still operate in the same manners as they have become habit, they are comfortable and because they had worked for so long, my brain has a hard time understanding that they are no longer working.

along come my life coach...he provides me with strategies to ovcercome these quirks that are no longer successfully servicing my needs, and he is invested in my success. He is a great cheerleader and for the times that I find that I am having a hard time that day pushing through, he is there on the sidelines supporting me, encouraging me and believing in my success even when i cannot see it.

and yes for some it may sound cheesy to pay to have someone motivate you and believe in you but from where I sit and from where i have come from this is an amazingly powerful thing

9/11

Today is the 12th day of September 2009. Yesterday marked the eighth anniversary of the terrible events of 9/11. I wonder how many took a moment to stop and remember: where were you when you heard the news? what did you do? were you struck by the horror of the situation? did you sit, as I did, in front of your tv and watch in shock as the twin towers game down? It was a surreal moment for me, it felt like I watched a horror movie and yet some part of my brain insisted in telling me that this was really happening as I was watching. Did you sit in shock as I did, and watch people choose to jump and plummet to their deaths? Do you remember in gripping detail as I do or have you chosen to forget those images and remember in a general sense the events of 9/11.

we need to remember. we need to relive and remember to feel the horror of what we felt that day. We need to...for a number of reasons....we need to remember in order to honour all the innocent victims, the moms and dads, the children, the aunts, uncles and cousins, the husbands and wives, who through no choice of their own were innocent bystanders and had their lives taken from them in the most brutal of ways.

we need to remember in order to honor the ones left behind, the now childless parents, who will never understand the kind of brutality that took their mommy and daddy from them. we need to honor the parents who have now outlived their children-every parent's nightmare. we need to remember to honor the young lovers who had their fiancees and dreams taken from them in one fell swoop. we need to honor the grandparents whose grandchildren will never again sit at the knees of gramma and grampa and hear the stories of back in the day.

we need to remember to honor the emergency personnel-the paramedics, the firefighters, the police force who risked their lives. Some lost their lives that day in the line of duty as they did all they could to save those in the towers and fight against the unseen enemy for at that time, as well all watched the twin towers blow up and fall, we knew not whom we were fighting. many emergency personnel did not give a thought for their own lives that day but rather went into burning and falling buildings in order to save their fellow man.

for you can guarantee, every year on 9/11 the children remember, the parents remember, aunts, uncles, cousins friends grandparents remember. you can guarantee each of the emergency personnel who fought that day and lost their brothers and sisters in the battle DO remember. they remember the horror of those events and we too MUST remember.

history is doomed to repeat when we start to forget so as we pass another anniversary of 9/11 please instead of giving a passing thought to that day, instead of glossing over it with a casual "oh ya, its 9/11 today," force yourself to once again feel the horror that you felt that day and hold your loved ones close, thanking our Lord that it was not you!!!!!

Honour our brothers and sisters who lost their lives that day by remembering and thus not allowing this to occur in our world again. For that day, we no longer remained canadians and americans...on that day we became family...brothers and sisters who lost one of our own.

IT'S NOT OK!!!!!!!!!

I am sitting here after learning that once again i was played for a fool. my heart lay in pieces around me and I am running out of glue. never mind glue. I am running out of desire and strength to pick them up and put them back together. i will, rest assured, i always do. this is really getting old. and yet even if I wanted to, I seem to be incpable of hardening my heart. But I need you to know, THIS IS NOT OK! Guess what guys? I cry....and the tears are real....i bleed and its red like you and it is not okay to play me for a fool so that I do cry and I do hurt. pain and people in pain is not good and that includes me. at the bottom of this blog, I ask you to hold my heart gently, for it is here that you will see me vulnerable. So this is me in all my glorious vulnerablility. My heart got ripped out one more time, and now it lay in shattered pieces on the floor around me. And you need to know. IT IS NOT OK TO DISRESPECT PEOPLE AND PUT THEM IN THIS KIND OF PAIN. IT IS NOT OK. So would you please just stop it. before you act, stop and think of the consequences of your actions and the effect that they will have on another. stop and think would you appreciate being in their shoes? If you answered no to those questions, then STOP IT, cuz IT IS NOT OK. I'm real, my heart beats and hurts like yours so take not please and treat it and me accordingly. I am not here for your gain, and I am not here for you to toy with. I hurt too so stop hurting.

its the eve orf....

my baby's first day of high school. Now granted its not a real day, he goes for 30 minutes, but nonetheless, my beautiful baby boy is off to high school. I remember the day he was born, I remember how sick he was, I remember my paranoia about letting him out of my sight after he got sick. As a result I fight hardest for Jeffrey. Why not? He nearly died. I was going ot make sure that he had everything he needed to stay well. It was a bit of an obssession. through that I learned that you never know fear unti you have a child. then fear takes on a whole new dimension. jeffrey has been a light in my life. He was and is coming back to the child whom it is a joy to be around. My baby is 14 and once again randomly comes up to me to give me ahug and a kiss. he still wnats to cuddle up to me and cry if he's upset. I don't know what I did but I think that I can finally say that somehow in the midst of horrible things, I did something right.



My baby boy is becoming a man. there is a part of me that cannot help but cry and the innocent joyful loving charming charismatic baby I lost and yet I stand i awe of this boy turned man that he is becoming. He stands as tall as me now. I look him square in the eye. We have had some great talks lately, talks about God, talks of his dad, and behold the talks of sex are getting easier. Hold on!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to talk of sex with a boy??? my boy??? oh dear!!!!!!! yes I am talking about sex with my son. good grief I dont feel capable of that but perhaps that is a parent thing. I only knwo that as my son takes this first step into adulthood, i hope that I have taught him well despite MANY MANY messages to the contrary to the truth that I have raised him with.

i cannot believe that i have a 14 yr old son heading into high school soon to be a man. So Jeff, if you read this: I love you my darling boy. You have led a life of sorrow up til now but you have fought your way through to rise above the struggles that life has tossed you. You are growing in compassion and love, even for those who have hurt you. Your heart is a tender one, guard it my son, but never let it harden. choose caerfully and trust your wisdom. God has given you a great sense of discernment, rest in that for it shall not fail you. You are much loved Jeffrey, and I coudnt ask for nor hope for a better son than you. May God be with you as you develop into a warrior man for his kingdom. you are a precious treasure and it is an honour to be called your mom. I love you darling son, dear child. I love you.

pain

I hae decided that pain shoudl not exist. People are far too precious for pain. Their hearts are treasures that should not have to experience it. It is horrible and it should not be. Today I had a conversation with a long time friend that I had lost contact with and we have just recently reconnected. He struggles and to be honest I don't think he even knows what he struggles with. But he is of the mindset that he got in this himself so he will get himself out. So I need to respect that but it is terribly hard to sit back with my hands tied and watch him writhe in pain. Its a horrible feeling to sit back and watch as a friend. helpless to help. I know the value of lessons learned. I understand the wisdom that comes with learning from consequences and to sit back and watch my friend struggle, I know how it feels when a heart breaks. So much of me hurts, aches and wants to spare him. I want to take the consequences on myself so that he would not have to suffer. And yet I can do nothing but sit back and watch as he makes his choices and learns his lessons. And he does not even realize the depth of my care and figures that I am in this for something. That's how life has shaped him, so that he cannot trust someone's care without suspicion. He cannot trust that someone would care simply because they care. A little jaded? Yez! but that's what his life taught him, and I wish so much that the person I know lives deeper inside his heart would have the chance to shine, and that this friend could experience healing from pain his pain. Dont' we all deserve that? So the only thing that remains for me to do is to pray that someway he will experience his healing and freedom. And although I phrase it that way, I expect that that is the most powerful gift I could give to him anyway........

the prodigal son comes home

So I was sitting here thinking on some things as a result of a recent blog and I must say that I am truly thankful. My prodigal son came home. Let me tell you a few things Jeff. I was 20 when he was born and he was dedicated at my wedding. One of the verses that was imparted to him when he was a baby was Isaiah 58:12 "Those from among you shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to Dwell In." (NKJ) At that time of course I had no idea what that meant.



The day we were supposed to come home from the hospital, Jeffrey became really sick. Instead oif being warmly tucked up into our brand new baby carseat to appear before his adoring family, Jeffrey went into isolation to be poked and prodded and tested with seven different meds running through his wee little body, each one 4 times per day, he was attached to tubes and heart monitors and IV's and we didn't know why. I woke that morning with my baby in my bed and we were covered in mustard yellow puss. Jeff was, I was, the bedding was, our clothing was. It was pouring from the crown of his head. I called the nurse, she panicked and called other nurses. They panicked and called my GP. He panicked and called tow pediatricians. The verdict? We don't know waht he has or why he is so sick. So he was rushed away from me and I had the pleasant job of breaking this news to his dad. We weren't going home, in fact Jeffrey isnt here. They took him away. So we went down to special care nursery and into isolation after we robed up in plastic and gowns and washed a million times...all to see my son.



So that week went on, it nearly killed me, I didnt sleep and I cried...more tears than I knew how to handle. They took him from me that day and tested him for everything. They wouldnt let me be with him as they did spinal tap one. Finally they returned him to me...to take him away again. You see...spinal tap one didnt work so they had to do a second. Meningitis was the scare at that time and yet they figured what Jeffrey had was worse than that. So thats how I spent Jeffrey's first week. They wouldnt let me stay overnight with him, although they could not tell me if he would be alive the next morning when I arrived. I sat and nursed him and pumped so that he would have my milk when they sent me home. Cribbage was how we spent our time. Then they brought in a photographer with a ring flash. He had me hold Jeffrey's face against my chest. The photographer told me to look away for the flash would blind me. Jeffrey went into medical books that day. We went into isolation on a Thursday. On Tuesday, I found out. Jeffrey had strep/staff infection from sitting in my birth canal for so long. I made my baby sick. I made my baby sick and so began my life long fight for him. It was the least I could do. I made my baby sick! And now because of that every woman gets tested for strep/staff in their third trimester.



So we stayed til Thursday and then we could go home. One week later. Finally my living hell ended. And so began life with Jeff. He was a very charming and charismatic child. Strangers woudld buy him things when we went to the mall. And I wouldn't let Jeff out of my sight. He was adorable, charming and witty. Then he turned four and something changed. I have been fighting for him for that long. At seven he was baptized by his choice.



Years pass, I find out that he is gifted with a learning disability and so our bi-monthly visits to a psychologist begin in 2004 I believe it was. And try as we might, we cannot crack this boys shell. He is no longer my boy, he is lost. Then my split happened. Thank goodness he was already in care and had formulated a trust relationship with his therapist. The split occurred and so did the poisoning of my son. He was turned against church, Jesus and me. He was poisoned against God, because of the split. This was not something that he landed upon himself, it was something that was fed to him constantly..."If God loves you why did he let your parents split?" This came from sources he trusted so in his view it was true. And so began the erosion of his faith. In comes the bullying. I'm not talking of taunting and teasing. I'm speaking of physical bullying. Being encircled by boys who stand shoulder to shoulder and beat on him. Having his possessions stolen. Having his coats flushed and soaked. Having things thrown at him, not paper balls but erasers, rocks. And although my son had been wishing his death since he was 7, he is now much more forceful in his desire to die. And why not? According to what he had been recently taught, God either doesn't exist or hates him and his parents, his source of stability are no longer together. Why not die? And I cry and I fight for him and I beg and I plead as I see my prodigal son leave and turn his back on the one thing I know will bring him the freedom his heart longs and searches for.



This summer, my church had a training time for its members to tune in and hear from God in order to bring healing to people. This was held on a Saturday. On Friday, Jeff tells me he has a toothache. All three children went with me to church on Saturday, although they did not necessarily participate. More than just our congregation has tunred up. People we don't know are there as well. One of them gets a word that there are people present that have tooth pain. I run outside and get Jeff and invite him in. He went in!!!!!!! As he was being prayed for, another person (one that we did not know, a virtual stranger to Jeff) gets a word from God that Jeffrey has been bullied and has undergone a horrible time over the past two years at school. Furthermore, since he has undergone this and come through it, he now has a gift for those who are being bullied, Jeff can be an advocate for the victims and bring them compassion and restoration. Jeff's mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged. Jesus became real for there is no way this lady would have known that. Earlier that day another lady had said much the same thing to Jeff, again someone he did not know. JESUS BECAME REAL and my prodigal son came home!!!!!!!

Jeff now actively participates in worship (something he refused to do before), Jeff actively tunes in to hear what Jesus would like to say to him this day, Jeff tithes. And all of these things are done of his own accord. I have not asked him to do one of them.



Jeff has always been the one I fought for the hardest. Why you ask? Because I nearly lost him. He nearly died and I have been fighting for him since. And I will continue to fight for him. But there has been a definite change in my son as a result of that day at church. He matured a lot in those moments. He became open to me. He talks to me and listens to me and is willing to sit down and discuss things with me. He is far more tender to his siblings (although there is always further to go lol). Jeff (he is now 14) will randomly come over to me, wrap his arms around me and give me a hug and a kiss.



My baby has come home and I cannot thank and praise my God for his restoration. A side note, if you go back and read his prophecy from his birth, Jeff was given the word that he will be a repairer of the breach. now think on the prophecy that was given to him this summer. He will be one that adovcates and brings compassion to the victims of bullying. When bullying happens, there is a split of friendly relationships which is the very defintion of breach. And Jeff was called to be a repairer of that and then more recently given the word that he will advocate and bring compassion and restoration.



Don't tell me my God doesn't exist. I know it. I've seen it. I have witnessed my own son's life be turned around as a result of one touch from God.



My prodigal son came home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Jesus!

The evils of Crazy Making

So I having been having some interesting conversations with people as of late. One has been with a girlfriend of mine and we have been discussing how some people will end up argueing with you and go round in circles with you abut a topic. The problem here is that they hook you in with logic and then very subtley proceed with thier own sense of logic (which by the way makes no sense whatsoever) but somehow you end up getting sucked in and end up in a position where you argue with them but don't get through to them and you end up walking out of that "discussion" feeling like the idiot. The girlfriend that I was talking this over with is highly intelligent so I can vouch for the fact that she is NOT an idiot. And yet I know from first hand experience what sh is talking about....crazy making. We even joked about it to the point where we decided there should be a new category in the DSM entitled jackass syndrome and we would define it by the way of people's photographs.

But moving on to crazy making....its a dangerous thing. Most of my marraige I lived in it. Being of the type of presonality that is moving into counselling, it gets hard becasue I always try to understand the others veiwpoint and therein lies the problem. In trying to do that, I would end up gettgng hooked into my x's own bran dof logic and get lost to the piont where I cmae out of there feeling stupid, an idiot, shamed, embarassed, useless and with no self esteem. People who crazy make also generally do it i anger so add intimidated and fearful and panicked to that list.

Craay making is a terrible terrible thing, for it also serves to cause isolation whic very quickly turns into an abusive relationship. You end up cut off from friends and family and believing you are carzy. It leaves you entirely vulnearble and by this time you are in a position where you doubt yourself so much that you follow along with the crazy maker's thoughts and plans. YOu have been isolated and you have been made to think that you are stupid and so you follow along with someone else's logic cuz it seems to make sense and you by this point doubt your own mind.

Its a dangerous dangerous game. THIS destroys people. THIS is what causes women to get stuck in abusive relationships. The dire otucome is that they may take their lives, or they will be killed by their abusive partners. With me, it went so far as to my x phoning my place of employment and trying to get them to fire me because I was insane and crazy and dangerous. Thats how far he took it.

Crazy making destroys a person on a number of levels. But the bottom line is that it destroys their soul. So this begs the question: why do poeple do it?

To be honest, the answer is quite sinple. It stems like most things for the person's own lack of self worth and their own fear of looking at their past. My x couldnt stand the idea that I might be smarter than him although it was very obvious that I was. And in my own defense I did not lord that over him and would in fact hold him in a lot of grace regardign that and try to build him up in that area as best I could but the fact remained, I am smarter than he and he couldnt handle that. But that is based on his own dpeiction of himself. That is how fragile he is. This craay making behaviour is also fariy typical in bullies. They will do much the same thing, find an area in which they can power over someone else and seize on that until they cripple another. All in a feeble attempt to ensure they feel good about themselves. I almost said like themselves, and I guess that does factor in as well but it astounds me that someone who does that finds taht as a source of liking themselves. But hten again, it isnt so much as a cognitive understanding of accpetance of themselves as opposed to a fleeting feel good moment. And that's part of the reason it is so dangerous. The feeling is fleeting . And you quickly become desensitized to that feeling so it takes more and more dangerous abuse of another to ensure you gain that feeling back. Oh, the tangled webs we weave.

So many or our maladaptive behaviours stem from our own areas of pain. I wish that I could heal it all. I hate it when I see these things happen to those I love and to behonest I hate that it happens on both levels. I hate what it does to the victim for I know their pain and my hart cries out for their agony. I hate what the perpretrator is doing, for I know their pain and my heart cries out for their agony and healing.

PLEASE people, take a step back, look at your actions and determine if there is a source of wounding that is causing hwo you act. PLEASE PLEASE find some healing. I know it hurts, I know its scary and I know it looks like it willl NOT bring the freedom that you desire. I know that your heart lay heavy right now with a hope lost for nothing that you seem to try works. Please of for your heart's sake and for the sake of the hearts around you, find a safe loving person who will support you and walk alongside you as you seek out the healing that you need to set yourself free.

As I write this, I think of many things with tears streaming down my face and my heart shattering at the depth of pain that people feel. I know the pain of the victim for I once WAS one. I know the pain of the perpetrator for I have lived in a place where my flesh wanted to seek out and destroy the one who caused the pain in me. I think of my x and our interactions and I feel compassion for the depth of pain that he lives in. I wish he could gain his freedom for it sits and beckons ot him. I pray that whomever reads this understand that each amd every one of you is a treasure and your hearts deserve nothing less than being held with honor. Find your healing.....its the only way.....