wierdness

So to further my post from yesterday, I was chatting with a co-graduate student and my life coach as well as a dear friend. I seem to be doing some ruminating as of late. Overall there has been a weird sense of unsettled, scattered and an overall concept of being out of control. However, there doesnt seem to be the usual angst or panic around it. Instead there seems to be a sense of calm or peace. And currently its a bit of a love hate relationship that I have with this current state of being. And it does take some getting used to, to not live in a continual state of chaos. And to be honest, the adrenalin is part what used to get me through all the time. I could count on surviving, cuz I had to and I had the adrenalin rush to push me through. Now I don't have that, and I am not sure a) that I like it and b) how to deal with this. And I thoroughly understand the benefits of not living in the state of chaos, less toll on your body and your mental, physical and emotional well being. But here's the thing, my adrenalin rush from living in chaos and surviving has been like having a best friend that is always here. I could depend on this friend to never fail when i needed him. And now, he seems to have disappeared or is maybe simply taking a holiday. And there seems to be almost a bit of grieving that goes on with it. I mean I had a long term friend who was integral to my survival and he seems to be gone with not even a good bye. Not sure what to do, i want him back although I understand that perhaps he was simply here for a time, to save me. But even more I want to thank him then. That is something that we teach our clients. As a child you no doubt learned certain styles of coping and lets face it, they may no longer be appropriate but they were there for a time, and they had an integral purpose...........YOUR SURVIVAL!!!!!!!! However, they may now be doing you a disservice as they are no longer healthy or appropriate. As such, they need to be honoured and grieved, for they were a part of you that helped you overcome what you needed to overcome. So, if you find yourself in a similar position to me, do yourself a favour, honour that gift that you had, treasure it and grieve it as you let go and learn into healthier ways.

And so I sit, in this between the spaces place. I seem to be hovering in between the past and the not yet. Its a wierd floaty space....seems kind of void and empty, nothing to really hold onto and somewhat surreal. Its like there is this place where I sit and watch things go on around me and I remain untouched but it all..........

things that make you go hmmm