On the upside

wow, it has been a crazy time lately and I am not entirely sure why or what caused it all. I know that part of my healing is going ot mean that I embrace things....the emotions connected with various things in my life, rather than run and hide from them. In doing so, I am trying to put good and safe things in their place. I am also trying to learn where to keep my focus. That I think is the biggest struggle. Far too often, I take my eyes off of Jesus. For instance, a speaker I once heared likened it to having an etch a sketch. Now if you recall that toy, you had to look reallly close to discern where the line was and so picture with me, a child leaning over his etch a sketch trying hard to draw his picture. You can bet that that is all he sees. THAT is my typical response to negative situations that arise in my life. They consume my vision and that's all I see.

So what I have been training myself to do is to turn my eyes and cast my vision on my Saviour. In that vein, I spent ALL day and I mean ALL day on Monday feeding my spirit. Listened to a bunch of teachings, listened to worship, moved inot the presence of God, did some prophetic painting, listened to more worship. From the moment I got up. Then I spent some time in prayer and communion and wrestled some things out.

I woke up yesterday in a much better frame of mind and then of course and I brought myself back to the throne room and fell into my Daddy's arms. If ever you need a song to turn your heart back to the Lord, try "Home" by Phil Wickham. I had it on repeat all day and it became my prayer for yesterday. then I drove by the hospital and things got stirred up. So when I got home, after I blogged, I contacted a therapist friend of mine and we chatted about safe and healthy ways to embrace the pain. What I found that made this time go a little easier is that I caught myself before I became too embroiled in it. And by doing so, it was easier to come up for air for I was not quite as below the surface as I can get. So I worked on photography....something that I have grown to love. Went out and hung out with a buddy in whose presence I can "be" wihtout having to fake it til i make it. And I healed.

So today, before I start my day, I will be worshipping and training my mind to keep my eyes where they belong, wholly fixed on the one who CAN save me, on the one who CAN heal me and enter into His presence with thanksgiving for all He is doing in my life.

And so thanks to all who expressed concern. Now I am on the upside and am looking to embrace wholeheartedly what is on my plate for today and remember to cast my eyes on Him.......not the pain..........

Being raped sucks

K so I'm driving home from a photoshoot. So far it's been a pretty good day. Went to work and played with the kids and hugged the monkeys. One little one who has been reticent with me for a long time now is finally coming around and talking to me and participating in class. Huge victory. Sun is out, photoshoot went well, things were going well until.....

I drive by the hospital and it all comes flooding back, the humilation of the rape kit which is a horrific experience, the bruises, the meds, the potential HIV risk, the possible pregnancy, the dilemna of the plan B pill.

So all this comes rushing back, in minute detail with both mental pictures and emotional upheaval. Tagged on to that follows the details of the rape. We have all heard of flight or fight but there is an additional one that has been discovered....freeze. Freeze usually occurs when people have undergone previous trauma, especially childhood trauma, as they have been trained that they cannot fight and often have been prevented from fleeing.

So it all comes back in rushing detail, my feeble attempts at protest, the horror of it, the fear, the numbness and the ensueing zombie like state that i lived in for days after.

And here I sit without a clue as to what to do, I can feel myself slipping away, slipping away from the reality of it all, not knowing where I will end up nor how to fight it, i just slip away...

struggling

So I have been really struggling lately, struggling spiritually and feeling very left behind and forgotten by God. Don't get me wrong, I know He has been working around here for us, my baby got baptized, my eldest has been having major breakthroughs left right and centre and I have seen God's hand of provision for me this past week, albeit a tough week at that. But always there is one desire of my heart that stays empty and I get so very very tired of it. As I write this, tears stream down my cheeks as my heart lay in broken pieces around me.

I am tired! N0, I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of things being a battle. I am tired of doing this life alone. I am tired. I want someone with me, who will share in my joys and weep with me in my sorrows. I have a graduation looming on my horizon. That is an icredible feat for me and I wanted someone to share it with. I don't want to do it alone like I did the last one. I ache to love and be loved. This has been an all consuming desire of mine for my life. My common theme....the search for love. I'm not going to lie...it hurts to see those around me take for granted what my heart so dearly desires.

And I have done the investing in myself, and discovering new things about myself, and discovering new areas of interest and new things I love to do. I have done those things and discovered some things about myself that I did not know. But in the back of this still looms my heart's desire.......

and so begins another day.......

provision

So after having undergone some financial constraints this week, I have come full circle to have been fully blessed. I look back and I know that I will have food for the next month and a half and so won't have to worry about how to feed the kids, I was alos helped in such a way that enabled my bills to be paid and given a bit extra to help buy school supplies for the kids. God provided many miracles for me this week and I am astounded at this.

I know God provides, I know He has our needs in mind. And yet I think this week I have needed to learn it again. This week was filled with anxiety for me...a lot of anxiety. And when I get that anxious and panicked that I cannot pay my bills or feed my kids, my own head is my own worst enemy. Desperation is a horrible thing for it makes reasonable that are never reasonable. And I must say I failed my God in my desperation.

So, I took a step back, tried to at least, and I tried to turn my eyes to Jesus, not to the problem. I made some purposeful efforts to focus on Him and His goodness and not fall to fear. Fear is something that I know well. I grew up in it, fu;ly emmeshed. Two years ago now, I had a very grueling prayer time that freed me from fear but it still does nip at my heels and I have to work actively to fight it. This week was one of those for me. A time when I needed to work actively to fight it. I think God honoured my attempts for He certainly blessed me. And though I look back and think I failed here and here, I know I had small success here...

So why, my head always goes to the why. I know that the two better questions to ask are what does this mean and what must i do and in the moment I did try to stay with those two questions but now my head desires reason.

So this is what I have come up with, feel free to weigh in. God showed me a lot, he showed me His provision in a situation where all looked lost, He stretched my faith and trust in Him. Recently I was given a propehcy that God has not forgotten the promises that He gave to me. He and I have been wrestling over my singlehood for a long time now. Because to be honest, I am sick of it and done with it. And He did promise me that this would not be, so I was given a word that He has not forgotten that. And then this happened, and I wonder if the two are tied together, if God wanted to show me tangibly that He has me in his hands.

Does that mean that God orchestrated this event? No! But he did use a situation that was meant for evil against me to bring good out of it. And He used the situation in such a way that stretched and grew my faith and my trust in Him. So now to hold on to those dreams of mine.......

strength vs fragility

So......many situations have cropped up and I'm not sure what to do with it all. I have been told more times than i can count how strong i am and yet.........i feel so fragile. In fact, i had an instance today with someone which confirmed how fragile i really feel. I was in a disagreement with a friend and they said something which hurt deeply and i realized how fragile i really am. as we proceeded to discuss, i laid out exactly how hurt and vulnerable i really feel. but others see in me strength. so whats the reality here?

is it that i feel weak and i am weak but God is the strength that others see? I will argue with people on this as I just simply don't understand. what i do know is how much i hurt, what i do know is how overwhelemed i get, what i do know is how often i cry cuz it feels like i cannot go on? is that strength? or is that weakness? it feels weak. I feel fragile....like i will fall apart any moment. so what is it that others see when they say im strong?

i know this and only this.....i am here by the grace of God, there is no way I could live htis life if it were not for His hand upon it. i would not be here but by the grace of God so maybe when next you see me and you think im strong..........remember im just a little girl with big dreams who falls apart more than you know and im only here because of him.

Lessons Learned.....

the hard way. This past while has entailed a lot of lessons learned the hard way. I think of a song that I grew up listening to that discusses that very concept. And so very very often, it hurts as you learn it.

I think of an experience I had in the last day. And I know the many lessons that came out of it. One: don't leave things til the last minute, two: I need to come up with a system of organization, three: shirking things out of fear makes you a victim and doesn't solve the problem, four: in order to keep control and order one must face their fears, five: fear gets in the way of God, six: if you choose to NOT focus on fear or problems and CHOOSE to focus on God the miraculous occurs, seven: desperation is force to be reckoned with and it removes logic from one's thoughts, eight: I make it through things simply by the GRACE of GOD.

Also within the past days from a different experience I learned that my brain needs to be busy and if it isnt kept active then I find myself focussing on negativity. So I struggle because at the same time I know that I need to have downtime. I know I need to engage in self care for myself but the problem I run into is that if my brain is not kept focussed on something then negative becomes the focus and then I become depressed. A challenge to be sure to find the balance.

I also learned that I need to surrender. Surrender it all. Especially the things that are not under my control. And in doing so I find that I am more able to keep focussed and energetic. My learning curve is quick I do believe, but what that entails can be emotional and mental exhaustion as the learning process is INTENSE.

God gives and takes away and I need to remember that He knows what he's doing even when and if I don't. Trust is a hard thing, especially when it looks so very hopeless. I know that there is more but my brain is tired

judgement

So I'm sitting here, faced with a horrid prospect. One that no mother wants to face, one that every single mother fights to ensure does not happen to her kids. And God has once again lifted the blinders over my eyes to some things. However the temptation is just as real. So many times we speak in disdain of single mothers who do the unthinkable to ensure that their children eat and have various comforts. And now....today...i am faced with that decision. I know that I could obtain the resources that I need and I know that I could do so very quickly and very easily. No one would be the wiser.........least of all my kids........their life would carry on and be filled with wondrous things. And so here I sit. My moral compass is strong as is my moral fibre.........but........desperation is also very real. And somehow it speaks far more strongly than my morals right now. So its two hours til they come home.....a lot could be done in two hours.....and they wouldnt know. What they would know is that they have good food and toys and they would feel loved. Mothers sell their souls for their children, why do I think I can be different??? And so I sit and contemplate the unthinkable.....knowing that it is as simple as a walk next door...........