counselling is a wierd thing

So I sat here today with many many things running through my mind that I try to make sense of. And here's what I have discovered.

NOTHING

That's not entirely true. But I did reflect upon some wierd things.  And here is something that struck me.  I am a counsellor. It's in me. I live it and I breathe it. Of course the running joke when someone hears what you do is "don't analyze me" or "wow ur in for it I am a head case." Two things you hear relatively frequently as a counsellor. And it's not that I do so intentionally, but when it is in your blood, when you live it and breathe it, it becomes a natural thing.

I love people to death. I truly am a social butterfly. I care deeply about people and that is my motivator for figuring people out. I love to figure out how people work. That betters my ability to be able to help others, adn perhaps themselves. But here's the thing. My job entails that I am around people who have chosen to bear their soul to me. They choose to be completely honest and trust me with their pain. I have spoken of trust among people a lot. I bear that responsibility very solemnly.

I also tend to trust people a lot. I am trusting by nature. I treat people with openness and integrity and readily assume that others will do likewise. That by its very nature entails that I run a great risk of getting hurt because I go into situations with an open heart expecting people to treat me well, with dignity, with honour, with respect. Something I don't think I can change. It seems to be partly a result of being a counselor. I trust people that they will be honorable and truthful.

So as I have people that are intensely trusting of me and bare their deepest pain to me, I too trust, which means I may hurt. I only hope that I find the ways that I need to heal my heart so that it doesn't shut down.....

Contemplative

I am not sure that I have much to write and yet I feel the need to write. I sit here in a comtemplative mood. Many things are coursing through my veins as I ponder the weeks, months and year ahead and at the same time, my thoughts shift back to what the last three years have been like.

I have a 14 year old son. When I started to finish my BA he was 11. We (he and I) have undergone many many horrid things and yet tonight my baby boy turning man came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and just held on. So many changes, rapid ones, are in store for him. Soon he will be eligible to drive a car. Then he will graduate. I am not ready for these things. I feel like I missed out on something in the past three years. I heard a response to amnesia today from a client who suffered from it. This client was asked "Do you lose time?" The reply came very forceful, "Never utter those words to me again, losing time indicates a loss of a part of my life, which is very hopeless. I have not "lost" time, I have simply misplaced it and through therapy I will find it." That was an amazing reframe. But sadly for me, it doenst hold. I have lost three years. And soon to be a fourth. Granted, good things were happening, yet I know I missed out on amazing things. Don't get me wrong, I have been a part of my children's lives to the best of my ability juggling all that I do and yet, I have missed out. There have been field trips that I have not been part of. and school plays that i have missed, parties that I could not bake for....so many many things. All in the hope of providing a better life for my kids than welfare would bring us. Thing is, they don't get it. But I do. I know their losses perhaps better than they do and I know my losses with the things I cannot be a part of.

My baby is 7, he was four when we split and I went to uni. Again, so much of his young life I have missed. Mother's guilt. I think thats why I do not push him to sleep in his own bed. For that is something I can give him, in my limited time. Whereas the other two got more waking hours from me, he gets more sleep time hours from me. Besides, he still carries within him much fear. I know cuz he tells me.

My baby girl. I miss her. She has always been one that I have not had a handle on in being able to read her. And it shows. And yet she cries out for girl time. So I try to find ways to give that to her and perhaps over the Christmas break, more opportunities will open up.

Being a single parent is hard. There are many many times, when I am so exhasuted I want to lie down to sleep. Unforutnately that is not for me, as there are little people that just need a little bit more of me. And I have missed so much and denied them so much, its the least I can do and sometimes appeasing mothers guilt is mroe important than sleep.

Authenticity

I am fairly certain that I have blogged on this before, however, I feel compelled to do so again. I have recently run into a situation where the offending party has decided to play nice. The problem with this concept is that it is fake, it is inauthentic and I know the rumours that said person has spread about me. This isn't a simple situation where they strive to put aside our differences in order to attempt to rebuild a relationship. That, if there is a mutual understanding that that is going on, I can get into. In that situation, if both parties are of the same mind, and the goal is to rebuild a relationship so they choose together to not discuss past concerns or sensitive topics, well they are being honest, they are working toward the common good goal of rebuilding a relationship. I can honor that.

However, this is not that scenario. This is a scenario in which the other party is putting on a nice face, and the moment that my back is turned the rumours fly. This I am not interested in. I have no desire to be in their company and this is why. To be in their company means I have to have my guard up constantly and I have to be inauthentic myself. Why? Because if I let my guard down, if I choose to be authentic then that means anything I may or may not say can and will be twisted and used against me. I simply am not interested in such nonsense. So I don't go there. However, I find myself put in a bind for an answer of getting together is waited for. I would love to tell the truth, however, that will cause hurt and then anything i may or may not say can and will be used against me. So for right now.....I find myself stalling.....

Racism- Jen S I am so so sorry.....

Ugly word, ugly state of society. I had a conversation with a buddy of mine just recently and he made the point that we are all racists. I sat about that and we continued in our discourse and as the conversation unfolded I was able to understand that his point was that anytime we speak a slanderous statement against another person based on their appearance this is a form of racism. His example "if I am driving down the road and get but off, and notice its a woman driver and curse her out for being a stupid driver because she was a woman, that is a form of racism."  I had to concede the point.

Today, I driving my kids to school. As I traveled down the road, I noticed a group of elderly people standing at the side of the road not really engaged in doing anything and I wondered aloud, "I wonder what they are doing there." Now I had expected my son to ask the follow up question (although he didn't) of "Who?' Based on my expectation I had already formulated my response "That group of elderly Aisian people."

And my thought continued. Why did  feel it necessary to qualify that they were a group of Aisian elderly people. Was there any significant difference in them being Aisian, as if white elderly people would never do something like that? Why could I not just say that group of eldery people. And in qualifying that they were elderly as well.....why did I need to do that? Am I stating that I don't think younger adults would congregate like that? What in me created the need to qualify that they were elderly and Aisian? I don't believe that I am racist. I like to believe that I am accepting and non-judgemental of everyone. I can list the standard reasons that I am not racist...I school with other ethnicities and value them for the person they are etc etc.... But then why this inherent need to have qualified that this group of people today were Aisian.

I wondered further...is it then a sign of respect for their difference? Am I respecting that they are not entirely like me and recognizing that? Does this come from a political and societal outcry that we here in Canada, being a diverse country, recognize the inherent differences within our population and honor and respect their differences? Is taht where it stems from in my heart? If so, why did I feel the need to point out that this group of people standing outside in the cold this morning, were Aisian.

K, well huge epiphany here and one that I am ashamed of to say the least. I guess that to a degree I am somewhat racist. I have been guilty of the example that my friend portrayed above. Even against women. That is shameful to admit. I have found that I am a firm believer in "when in Rome do as the Romans do" I do tend to qaulify this with the caveat that it's not that I think that other cultures should give up their heritages, however, I do tend to get somewhat disgruntled when other ethnicities get tax breaks and financial returms in Canada because of their ethnicity. I do get frustrated when other ethnicities are amongst the general public and are discourteous to us English speaking people. It does make me suspicious that they are perhaps talking about us "whites." I have no issue with other ethinicities celebrating within their own home their cultural heritage. I have no issue with them gathering with other people and having festivities where they converse in their language and where they celebrate things taht are culturally important to their heritage but I do struggle with other ethnicities bypassing common courtesy and displaying rude mannerisms in public, or having side converstaions with others in their mother tongue. Those are some of the things that I do struggle with. I struggle with our government giving them monetary handouts that we as Canadians are exempt from.

I remember a sermon I was at, and this sermon gave me more grace and tolerance for other ethnicities, albeit, I still have work to do here. Canada has been prophesied over to a rather large extent. The gist of the prophecy was that Canada is in part a multi-cultural nation, for it is here that the last revival will occur and that is because we are multicultural. For it is our multiculturalness that enables us to be ripe for the last revival for within our own country, we have the ethnic ability to take Jesus out to all the other nations, for we are composed of the other nations. So when know Jesus, they will be more readily accepted back within thier own country and therefore have an ability to take Jesus there, that is not open to us whites. That started the shift ini this paradigm of mine.

I had hoped that blogging may have cleared my thoughts and allowed me to draw some conclusions and sort this out, but this looks like a journey I will continue on in. I could carry on but I would be asking the same questions another way. One thing I do know.....the fact that this stirs my heart is a good thing, for it allows me to examine myself, my motives and my hearts intent and that is a good thing and I would hope that that is somewhat indicative of not being or at the very minimumm wanting to be racist. Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.....

It ain't easy being green.

I mentioned this phrase once to a pastor of mine, it was in reference to myself. Throughout my life, I have often felt....different....out of sorts, out of place. Then as I got older, I started to draw parallels between my life and that of Job... in the Bible Job. I have often said, I did not ask to be a modern day Job for it has often felt like God abandoned me. I have faced the loss of many things, I have lost my family...perhaps not all at once...I don't think that I could have handled more than that. For a time, my father and I did not and my brother did no seem to care for me or acknowledge my existence. When we were little, he was given the chore of walking me and my sister to school and home. He made us walk several feet behind him so as to not be associated with him. Currently, I have my dad back in my life, and I semi have my brother back in my life, but I have lost my mom and my sis. I nearly lost my kids and my friends at the hands of evil. I nearly lost my job again at the hands of evil. I have lost many things and I wonder, how on earth I could keep going.

I can hear the conversation:

Satan: "I want the life of this one (referencing me), she's mine.  I will see her death and she will be mine."

God: "No, whatever you do will spare her life."

Satan: "No, I have fought the lineages for this one. I have had my eye cast on her. I will take and own her life."

God: "No! You may not have her life. Test her as you will. She will remain faithful. But DO NOT take her life."

That's something along the lines of how I imagine this conversation. And that's how it seems. Have I yelled and screamed at God? You bet, for I have often felt that the hand of cards I was dealt is beyond dealing with. I have often felt abandoned in times of need. I have felt that God should have been there but He was not, that He turned a blind eye and deaf ear toward me. I have had all manner of screaming matches and temper tantrums and taking self imposed time outs (read rebellion) from God. And yet, I have always turned back to Him, Why? For the simple fact, that I have stared at evil face on, I have looked deep into its eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that evil is a very real force to be recckoned with. I have also tried it of my own will power and its come to naught and its simply but God's grace that my feeble attempts at "fixing" things did not destroy things more.

However, I am getting tired of this. I long for freedom. I long for breakthrough and I long to live in the full comprehension of my inheritance. For that is my birthright. And so, although tired and battle worn, I will continue to press on. I was having a  conversation with God the other day. I asked for a release of my inheritance? I found my motive to be interesting. There are benefits to be sure. But the motive of my heart was so that I could bring glory to God, so that the glory would be fully His, for as I sit here and write to you, I know that I am only sitting here writing by the grace of God. So as my story unfolds......it is only by the grace of God and solely for his glory.


(But I still maintain.......it ain't easy being green)

Lots going on.....

So its been awhile since I updated last. There has been a lot going on, I had a health scare which we are currently working through, additionally I cannot seem to find a second internship, I got my son's psych-ed report back and of course the recession is hitting me here big time. And those are only the top things, there are also a lot of underlying things going on as well. So life has continued to be crazy and out of control and scary.

What does that mean? It means I react. I cry, I get mad, I get scared I panic and I generally live in a chaotic sense of being stressed out with dooms day images running through my mind.

Once I have my emotional release, I try to be logical and try and solve and then the reality hits me once again as to the hopelessness of it all and I start my panic/fear/anger/anxiety cycle all over again.

So I have tried to stop and do something different. "When you know better, you do better." Right? So I have tried to reset my focus back onto God everytime something happens. I have tried to delve into tons of praise and worship. What does that mean? I find one or two songs and in my  many hours in the car, I will only play those same three songs over and over, for they connect to me in a spiritual manner and bring rest to my spirit. Additionally I have found some podcasts from Bethel church which are really edifying to my spirit so I will soon be cuddling in with coffee and listening to one of those. And I choose to go back to connecting with  my church family although my tendency wants to isolate and shy away.

So I was at church this past Sunday and I asked for prayer and my pastor was praying and got this picture for me.

Whereas I feel like I am running a deadend on a treadmill and constatnly running and getting nowhere, unbeknownst to me, my treadmill is on wheels and God is pushing it along.

So what is the outpouring of this? Today I had a meeting wiht my son's school counsellor regarding his IEP or the potential of one. In discussing with my counsellor Jeff and the things he needs, this counsellor has a heart for my boy. He doesnt' want to simply ensure that Jeff's scholastic needs are met. Jeff wanted to join the fitness club so the counsellor is going to ensure that that happens and that Jeff gets paired with a senior student who will help look out for him and mentor him. Additionally, there is a boys posse that another  counsellor has started up and he is going to try and get Jeff hooked into that. Whether or not the school actually gets resource funding for Jeff, he will have an IEP. I have long since hoped for someone to come along and provide some mentorship for Jeff taht would help ensure Jeff's success.

This counsellor is going ot help me ensure that whatever we can find, we will get for Jeffrey.

And heres the kicker. This was not our school of choice. It wasn't Jeff's either. However, the school we had targeted wouldnt take out of  cachment kids, so here is where we ended up. Was it frustrating? To be sure, but God knew. He knew Jeff needed to be at this school with this counsellor to help ensure his success. So we have an IEP meeting coming up and Jeff is going to be connected and mentored. Just the things I have been searching for for my precious boy.

God was pushing my treadmill.......

Wooing

I looked up the term "to woo:. the online dictionary defines it as

1. to seek the favor, affection or love of....

there are other definitions but I think that this is the one that best fits.

I think I find myself being wooed. There is a gentleman that I know of that has readily admitted to me that he loves me. And I believe that as a result, he is wooing me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that this is something that he set out to do purposefully, I think that based out of his love for me, his actions are such that it entails that I am being wooed.

And I don't know what to do with this. When I was a little girl, as most little girls do, I dreamt of being a princess that would be pursued and courted by her prince. I dreamt of having a prince fall madly in love with me and then court me and woo me to win my love.

Such a little girl fairy tale I know. And then as I got older I got scoffed at and told I was no such thing as  a princess and to drop the princess complex and get such childish notions out of my head. In a manner of speaking, I was told to grow up and get real. Well, for me these were dangerous words, for I was in an abusive marriage. These words told me that that was the best I could hope for and I was to stay there. These words acted somewhat like the keys to a jail cell that turned the lock shut and kept me imprisoned.

So I stayed. And eventually some years later, my marriage did fall apart. Looking back, I see there were things that needed to occur before I could leave. Do I regret staying? at times but I also see what has come out of my staying.....and its ok.

But back to this being wooed and the words that I am NOT a princess to suck it up already (roughly paraphrased).

So this gentleman, unbeknownst to him, started calling me a princess. He didn't know the backstory here. That was quite a shock for I had done a lot of work retraining my thinking, for I was told after all, that I was not a princess and surely everyone else was right, right?

So now this gentleman who has come to love me is calling me a princess. And in fact, he would like to treat me as such. He would like to spoil me, protect me from the dragons of this world, and he would like to ensure my happiness. He would like to solve all my problems and make things easy for me. From the various things he has told me, I come to the conclusion, this man really does love me. And it doesn't appear to be out for selfish gain.

So back to my little girl dream of having someone adore her and love her and court her and woo her.

So part A seems to be here. And I am entirely confused. I find myself not knowing and sitting in this place of being adored by someone but not sure how I feel.

Then I go back ot my picture, I wanted someone to fight for and earn my love.

Back to this gentleman. His actions and his words are such that I find myself turning more and more to him. I find myself wanting to share more and more of my life with him. I find myself wanting to share my dreams and my failures and my fears with him. The best that I can make sense of it is that his actions based out of his love to me, his words, based out of his love to me, seem to be  fighting for and earning my love in return.

Is this then my fairy tale? Am I walking in the midst of my little girl dream of having someone adore her and fight to earn my favor? Am I being wooed?

Interesting......