It's a weird process to walk out

So I have been living this violation in something akin to a detached manner. I have to function, and I have a list of things that I have to do in the next few days. One of those is to bring life back to normal as quickly as possible for the sake of the kids. And so I live this detached. When I feel like I have my space, I cry, I shake, I sob, I get angry, I shake, I sob and I cry. But those are my times, not when my children are around. For you see, obvious as this is, they feel violated. I'm used to that feeling so I know how to disengage from it and I do. I disengage so that I can live and cope and normalize life for my kids.

They aren't use to violation. They don't know how to quite handle it. And so it is left to me to show them how to continue living. Not an easy task. How do you deal with violation when you are 9? How do you understand it? How do you make it normal? The therapeutic answer is you don't. You can't. You don't have the skill set because you don't have the understanding.

And this is how they make sense of it....

"Mommy, I don't want to eat food anymore, because now that we got robbed, we are poor, and I don't want to waste money on food."

Easter...blessings and curses?

I wasn't sure exactly what to title this post so I am writing first and then maybe a title will come. Easter I was blessed. I was given a no expenses trip to stay at my girlfriends place. She was going to cover my expenses to travel up to her place and we were going to stay with her. My boys were going to be able to hang with her same aged kids and my daughter was going to be able to have little toddlers to "mother." It was a trip we were all looking forward to it. It wasn't to be a long trip but it was definitely anticipated. We got there and we had a wonderful time. My boys went dirt biking I got to relax and spend some time in some wonderful company. The Easter bunny came and a good time was had by all.

And then we left. It was a long trip back, the weather was crazy...hail, sun, rain, and the temperature was bobbing all over the place. I was really looking forward to sitting and unwinding.

We got home and all appeared normal. I went into the kitchen and started to settle in. And I noticed the computer tower had been moved and pulled out from under the desk. I looked over to the desk and there was no monitor and no keyboard. It took me three different times of looking at this situation to really realize what had happened. We had been robbed.

Immediately we started to look around at the rest of the house. The kids went to their rooms to see what was there and what wasn't. I continued to look around. Panic ensued and everyone started to race around from here to there as I tried to figure out what to do. I called the cops and while we waited the kids kept scattering trying to figure out what was gone. I found where they had broken in. I started to walk around the house. Every room had be ransacked, all the drawers pulled out and upended clothes strewn everywhere. Everything had been touched and everything of value that could be carried out was. The kids lost some precious precious items, their baptism and birth jewelery,their baptism jewelery, their Grad jewelery (in Jeff's case), their Ipods and docks. I lost all my jewelery, some that was given to me as a child. My first every ring, my wedding set, my grad ring and various other jewelery that was given to me on various occasions. Our electronics, the kids Wii system, our camcorder.....and that's only a start, that's the obvious things.

And we are all traumatized. None of us could stay here last night. The kids went to their dads and I busied myself. It was not a fun coming home to.

In trying to process all of this, a lot of various thoughts come to mind. One the violation. That's the obvious one for sure. But there are many others. I remember saying to someone, yes the things that were taken were "things" but for my kids it doesn't fall out that way. I'm a single mom, I don't have nor do I make a ton of money. The things that were taken from us, maybe other families would write it off as they could replace most of it. But that's not the case for me. I saved and saved for those things that my kids had. It was not simply a casual gift for them. Those gifts came at a cost of sacrifice on my part, to try and give them some things that their friends had, so they didn't feel so stupid or embarrassed to have friends over. I can offer so little. My kids don't go to summer camp, nor have they had a vacation, they don't get a ton of lessons in a ton of things. So our few precious items were just that...precious items. That are now gone. And I have no means to replace them.

I am looking hard for the Easter blessing in this.....so far I am not seeing one.

Some of you that are closer to me know of some other things that are going on in my life. This is so NOT what I needed on top of everything else.

And I am still desperately looking here for my Easter blessing......
Posted by Kristie at 1:14 PM

Thoughts and Ponderings

So this week has been a week of testing and it has left me with a myriad of thoughts and ponderings floating around in my head. This week seemed an echo of some things that I have lived for a number of years. Things that had caused a lot of destruction in my life and those around me.

I heard a sermon once, that stated that God will sometimes bring us through a desert multiple times to enable us to learn exactly the things He has for us to learn. And as I sit thinking back on the events of this week, this concept came back to me. And I wondered if this echo was to gauge my growth.

Don't get me wrong, this was not an easy experience for me to walk through. I screamed, I kicked, I cried, I yelled, I swore. I was very, very upset, hurt, and angered. And then I emailed my girls and phoned a couple of me. And they talked me down. And then I went through everything and picked it apart.

Picked apart the lies from the truth (there was no truth). I sat and picked apart every lie and found the truth of every situation. I then told myself the truth and held onto it. And every time this situation comes into my mind, I rehearse the truth again.

Taking captive of your thoughts, standing firm on the truth and yet.....

This has opened a whole host of questions that I ponder...which you can find in xistential girl...

It ain't easy being green....

Ah.. St. Patrick's Day, this seemed like an appropriate post. Forgive if this sounds whiny, but I am realy exhasuted right about now tired or spinning my wheels and going nowehre fast.

Some may say, what do you mean, going nowhere? Graduation is in sight. Yes it is, and I am exahsuted. I have grad school burnout. I have single parent burn out. I have not-able-to-make-financial-ends-meet burnout.

I'm tired. I'm tired of stressing and trying to figure otu how the next bill will be paid. I am tired of having no money to do anything when i see the posts of all my friends and how much fun they are having doing such and such and going here and there and I sit at home and stare, hoping to numb out or cry, wishing for a break in this living hell. I am tired of not having a holiday, and convincing myself that soon enough I shall have one, when soon enough isn't even on the horizon. I am tired of putting a happy face on in order to convince my children that this is all a good thing and it will make us better people we just have to make wise decisions and walk tings out by the high road, when I cannot even see the road.

I am tired of pulling everything out at the last minute in order to keep making thier lives a good thing and giving them their dreams which cost my sacrifice and my doing without just so that they can have. And then when I can't figure out how to make their dreams happen holding them as they cry, knowing I failed them yet one more time.

I am tired.

I am desparing

I am without hope.

and it ain't easy being green....

Continuing the Progresion

To continue our birthday month and updates. Monday Jeff officially turned 16. Time adn money didn't allow it before then so today we went and wrote the test for the Learner's license. Jeff was nervous as all get it, scared out of his tree and wondering if he is really and truly ready for this step into adulthood. So we went to the Motor Vehicle Branch, got out number an waited. I felt so empathetic.I know that waiting. How hard it really is and how every second ticks by like ten minutes while fear and anxiety mount and grow to overwhelming.

Finally they called our number. We signed in. More watiing.

And waiting.

And waiting.

They called his name and away he went. And now it was my turn.

To wait.

And wait.

And wait.

But you see now I was left alone and didn't need to put up a brave face.

My heart altered between racing a mile a minute and standing still.

And then I was the anxious parent who went and checked out where he was and if he was stuck but I had to peek around the corner and make sure no one saw me.

And finally, he came around the corner grinning from ear to ear. He passed!

ANd I cried! I coudn't believe it and I choked back the tears so he wouldnt see. We found out that he will get a "real" learners license in the mail as opposed to the paper.

And we went home and took these pictures:

Today it happened

Today I celebrated my son's 16 birthday. His actual birthday isn't until Monday but due to circumstances, we had to celebrate today. I have been sitting on a secret for a year now. Well longer than that. For a long time, I have dreamed of giving my children a car for their 16th birthday. We, in western civilization, don't have a rite of passage. And yet, at 16, our kids can get their license. So for my family, that is their rite of passage. I use it as a teaching method.

Some people think that they need to show responsibility before they get a car. My view is that having a car and a license demands responsibility. Coupled with a wise parent, this is an excellent turning point, a rite of passage. For after this, more responsibility will be expected of him and placed on him. And the safest place to learn that is in my house with my arms catching his fall.

So tonight, my son got his rite of passage. We celebrated his 16th birthday, took him out for dinner (as per usual), he opened his presents at the restaurant, and discovered he had a key.

Then I blindfolded him as he walked outisde. I led him to his car. And even now, four hours later, he is still stunned and it is still far too surreal for him.

And yet, when I held him, and heard him choke back his tears and he attempted to thank me, I knew.

I knew that I had made my son's 16th birthday wish come true. I also know, that he understands, that as a single mom, it took great amounts of sacrifice to make this happen for him.

And I finally know that my son is beginning to take a glimpse outside of his own reality and ego-centric existence. He is beginning to understand the sacrifices that a) a parent makes for their child and b) a single mom makes for her son.

I hope one day that he looks back and says "wow I never really realized how much my mom did for me, how much, as a single parent she sacrificed for me."

But if he doesn't, my contentment lies in the fact that I did sacrifice. I sacrificed myself, my wants, my desires, my needs for the sake of my son and his happiness.

Every parent wants better for their children. Few understand that that means they put themselves aside and sacrifice their own person.

Tonight, as I held my son, choked with tears for his gift, I know why I sacrifice. It is for this smile!

Tomorrow is the day

For those of you that have been following my life lately, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow, we are celebrating my eldest.






This coming Monday, March 14, 1995, my eldest son turns 16 years old. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The day I went into labor. Jeff's labor was rather text book and 11 hours and 45 minutes long. I remember telling his dad that ti was time to go to the hospital. I remember the drive there, when his dad stopped for a green light and missed a crucial turn. I remember having both back and front labor and being in extreme pain, for you see in my first trimester, I was in a 5 car collision which wrecked my back. I remember asking Jeff's dad to get me my nurse as I was in extreme pain and I remember his dad refusing me. I remember the last 45 minutes where my doctor had me push two hard pushes grab a quick breath and push two more times before I rested. It was a hard 45 minutes. I remember Jeffrey finally being born and his dad saying "It's a boy!" and my dr said "No it's not, not until I say it! It's a boy!"

I remember our first few wonderful days. I remember the day when we were to go home, when Jeffrey and I woke up and Jeffrey was deathly ill. I remember being told we weren't going home. Jeffrey was going to ICU but because he was so ill, he was in isolation. I remember like yesterday that they then told me I was unable to stay with my baby but they could not guarantee his life. I remember the fear that haunted me, it still haunts. As every night they sent me home, without a diagnosis and without a guarantee that when i returned the next day, I would still have a baby. Multiple tests later, two spinal cords later, no one knows what my baby has, why he is so sick. Two pediatricians, all the nurses in the maternity ward and all the nurses in the NICU could not identify what my beautiful baby was so sick with. I remember that they brought a special photographer in to photograph my baby, For you see that day we were supposed to go home, when I woke up, I was covered in a mustard yellow pus. As was Jeffrey. And it was seeping from the crown of his head. But Jeffrey wasn't a forceps delivery, or a suction delivery. For all intents and purposes, it was "textbook."

But no one knew why he was sick. He was on round the clock meds...7 antibiotics...each running through his system via intravenous and machine pumped, four times a day. They brought the photographer in to take pictures of my son's head. He had a ring flash. For those of you that don't know, that is a flash attached to the lens, that wraps around the lens. It's blinding. I was told to hold Jeffrey with his face against my chest and look away or else the flash would blind me. For you see, Jeff was being written up in medical journals.

Jeff was born on a Tuesday, the following Tuesday we have a diagnosis. Jeff has a weird presentation of strep/staff. It presented on the crown of his head because he was so long in the birth canal. So.......I made my son sick, I nearly killed my son. It was after Jeff that a new protocol came into effect. After Jeff, all women became tested for strep/staff in their third trimester. If positive, they are given antibiotics as well as antibiotics during delivery so that they don't experience what we experienced.

On March 14, that horror was 16 years ago. For on Monday, my beautiful boy turns 16. And for those of you that have spoken to me about Jeff's birthday, that will happen tomorrow. Dinner and presents happen tomorrow for I have to work on his birthday so it makes more sense to do it tomorrow. So please, watch for the follow-up post.

Jeff and I survived that week. I went into a bit of insanity. For that week, I would not leave the hospital til 1 am and I would return by 6 am. I insisted on giving my child every possible advantage, which for me meant that I pumped so much milk so that Jeff could be fed through the night, that I had many bottles too many. I overproduced milk, but when I was told to leave him, not knowing if I would return to a living child, that was the best gift that I could give him. He was being denied my arms in that critical week, so I gave him the best thing I could give him. For after all, I nearly killed him. And now he turns 16. His life has not been easy. But he is a fighter. And he is a tender hearted fighter.

When he was 18 months, we got pictures done. This is my favorite.