NO JABBING

K so I have been involved in a group trauma processing group for a long time now. And one thing we have learned is something that I think that every person would absolutely benefit from.

It's called the JAB principle. And it goes like this. In group we are forbidden to JAB. It's THE cardinal rule. And it's a good one for a variety of reasons. First, it ensures that everyone lives more authentically. Second, it disallows hurtful things. And thirdly, it enriches everyone's experience. So what is this no JAB principle?

Well it goes like this:

J= Judging (either good or bad)
A= Advice
B= Blame

So let's pick this apart. J=Judging either good or bad. So what is that exactly. Well a judgment would be a "you are _______" or a "you aren't _________" And frankly speaking it doesn't matter is the word that you insert is positive or negative. Judging another person is simply not tolerated. Why not good, positive affirmations? I'll explain that in a minute. A=Advice. Why isn't advice allowed? Well, let's be honest. Who really likes unsolicited advice? Sure there are times when we are seeking it but when that happens it is on our agenda, our terms and with whom we trust. So no advice. Because that insinuates that the person who is receiving the advice is stupid or inept or a combination thereof. An B=Blame. This one should be straight forward but in case it's not. In a trauma processing group, early trauma often will be triggered in a group setting. Now the important thing to understand here is that what is being triggered is early stuff and therefore, the person that triggers it is not responsible for it. So blaming them can be detrimental to people.

So what on earth do we do instead of JABbing? Well we use "I feel..." statements. Now we have all heard that effective communication is about "I feel..." statements and let's be honest. It get's old, really old. So how is this different? Well part of it would be the willingness to go deep and be authentic in your "I feel...." statements but let me give you an example. Read this sentence aloud, and allow it to sink into you.

"Wow, you are really brave!"

Overall, its a nice compliment. A positive statement. And it may make the recipient smile. All good things. Now read aloud the following sentence and notice the difference.

"Wow! You're vulnerability to go deep and face your pain has given me hope and courage that I might do the same!"

TOTALLY different! So in group, when we relate to one another, it becomes speaking how one person's work or story or pain impacts us personally. One is a nice statement. The other is a completely empowering and edifying encouragement.

So in group, we stick to NO JABbing and instead operate in transparency, authenticity and deep "I feel...." statements.

I wonder what would happen if all the world did that?

High and Hard Road

Quite some time back, maybe in the early beginnings of this blog, I remember writing a post about taking the high road and how difficult it was to do that, especially in light of seeing no measurable results. I'm not going to kid you, it still is rather difficult to rein in your flesh, put aside your desires for vengeance and take the road less traveled. In my case the truth. A bit more about truth in a minute.

What I have discovered, is if done long enough the high road does reap its rewards. Many times I have looked over my life and wondered what the purpose was in refraining from natural human instinct to get vengeance. It feels very justified in doing so. But time and again, I would force myself to adhere to the truth, not strike back, and nurse my wounds.

Lately (roughly about a month) I have been the target of extreme maliciousness and viscousness. Many personal attacks and many lies are once again getting bandied about regarding who I am, my character, and my integrity.

And I simply refused to engage. Was that easy? No! Every inclination in me wanted to strike back, but I didn't. Instead, I found the people that I needed to, the people who know me, the people who provide a safe space for me to cry and vent, and then they help put me back together.

I had a conversation with some of these other parties recently. I had done my processing to the point that I was able to simply quietly distill the arguments with the truth. Many accusations were thrown at me during the course of that conversation and I was able to simply reiterate the truth. And then I was able to bless. I'm pretty sure that the other party will not see it as a blessing but I know that my motives and intentions are true and pure and right. And I know that my heart is to bless. And furthermore, God knows that as well.

So hard road? YES! Worth it? I see it now, though I didn't see it then!. So what is it? Well, I think that its a few things. I think that the biggest thing that I am living in right now, is peace in my heart regarding the situation. I can think back on it and be ok. It doesn't wrack my innards. I also know my children are seeing a good godly example. Now don't get me wrong, they see me fall apart and be sad and be hurt, but they also have seen God heal that and for me to be peaceful.

And the other funny thing that happened? In the discussions I had held. Once the truth was presented, they had nothing to say, no responses. Sure there were attempts and arguments, but the truth held out and shut it down. Someone once told me that those who have weak positions will leave their positions and make it personal. And it's something that I have seen. Positions have been faulty and weak so character gets attacked instead.

Now that other bit about the truth. Two other observations: we have all heard the adage, you cannot change another person, you can only change you! But paired with that is this: often when you change what you do, or how you operate it forces a change on the other. And for me this last little bit rang true. My actions and words in this situation were based on what is true and what is right. And I did that regardless of how opposing parties chose to conduct themselves. And what happened? Their behavior changed. Long-term? I don't know. Does it matter? Nope! Because I have done the right thing and my heart is at peace and God is pleased. I could very easily have played the tit for tat game but frankly although it may feel justified in the moment, there is nothing gained. I would rather take the hard road, do the right thing and have peace reign. Don't get me wrong, I expect that this will be tested, at which point, I pray God reminds me of this victory which will then prompt me to do the same again.

The other thing about right and true actions? When you don't buy into the games and the vengeance seeking, manipulation and deception, the words in Proverbs come true:

Proverbs 25:21-22 (New King James Version)

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat;
And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;
22 For so you will heap coals of fire on his head,
And the LORD will reward you.


I think the point to this verse is to not return evil for evil but rather return good for evil. It's an interesting point, because I think a lot of people see this as a verse that "allows" the shenanigans of those against you. But having experienced this in the last month, it is so not about the other party. It is about your own freedom, your own heart, and your own peace. I was able to see this and walk this out. I saw how my good and just actions impacted the other parties. Let's just say that its not fun to be the other parties.

I don't know the future and I don't know if this will last. But I do know that I have come to a different place right now. It's been a hard month through one thing and another. But for right now? I am ok. I came out swimming after what felt like drowning and I hope that I can hang onto this lesson, let bygones be bygones and carry my life and conduct myself in a manner that continues to honor God. I hope I remember this lesson and should there be a next time, I will already have my actions (purposeful and determined, logical and rational and prethought) already worked out so that I don't react ( behaviours based on intense emotions).

Thanks for listening....

Not quite as easy as I thought

So this whole roberry thing.....recovering is not quite as easy as I thought. I figured that once I got the kids sorted out and safe, life would go back to normal. I'd replace their lost items piece by piece as I could and we could go on living. I am re-doing the kids rooms, and I am going to scrub this place down like mad. I have worked with some of the kids and will continue working with them to use this opportunity to purge things they no longer want. Give ourselves a living space makeover so to speak.

Then on a more personal note, take the kids to as much therapy as they need. Get them de-traumatized so they can remove this violation from their psyche and continue to live in peace and safety. That was my plan. And it's a good one!

And so we started. All three kids rooms have be cleaned and the mess the thieves did is straightened up. One of the rooms has been purged. All Missy's little girl stuff is gone. She is growing up after all, and its time to put a rest to her barbies etc... Missy's room has been repainted so that its a "new" room for her, not the one that she lived in when she was robbed. I will work with the boys on purging their rooms, Jeff won't need much if any but Jamie will...And then I will paint their rooms how they want them.

SO here I thought, in all my naievity that things were going well, as much as can be expected. I was being a good mom, doing the right things. Taking care of the kids safety needs, re-establishing our sense of safety and not letting the thieves win further by keeping us afraid.

And then I went to bed last night. And I fell asleep really quickly. We finished at about 930 and I was asleep before 1030 which for me is huge. And then I woke up, haunted byt the nightmares. Haunted by nightmares of more robberies, more break ins, more violations.

I should have seen this coming. I am a trauma therapist after all. I guess just somehow, I figured I wouldn't be as affected. Sure I was initially. I did a lot of crying and then through blogging and talking, and plans to re-establish ourselves, I seemed to have gotten a hold on things. Until...

I fall asleep, and I am alone and I am vulnerable......then they start....the nightmares creep in and the thieves continue to rob me. This time of my sleep. In my dreams they come back and force me to relive the violations we already once suffered. In my dreams.....they win.......

One Room Done....almost!

So this week, I had an amazing offer. Some friends of mine offered to come and help me out regarding painting the kids rooms. So today, we tackled Missy's room. Now I don't have a picture of her old room but it was a grey/pink and it had had horribly perverted and nasty things painted on it.

See, the kids haven't been able to sleep in their rooms because of the robbery. They haven't felt safe. So, as a way of helping them to feel safe, I figured that I would paint their rooms, how they have wanted them painted. So I worked with Missy on purging some things and cleaning her room up.

If you know my girl, you know she loves horses. She has a plaque in her room, that reads. "Cowgirl at heart." So, on Wednesday, she and I went to Home Depot to figure out what she wanted. Well, she decided on a western/horse theme so we discussed how that would look. Her thoughts were on a "barn" type look in her room and then decorated with horse accents. So we went to the paint chip and decided on a combination of two different browns to form a "leather" look and feel to the room. So that is what I did today, paint her room in browns to provide a faux leather finish.

And now, decorations can start to be gathered and put up. She comes home on Monday night. I can't wait for her to see. And now Jamie's room is next!

Making all things new

So, I'm sitting here looking around my house. MY house, but the house THEY were in. Today is therapy day for the kids. Hopefully, we can go back to sleeping in their rooms after today. OEI is a really good thing and I am hoping that the kids can focus on what happened and clear it. I am also hoping that the change in bedrooms will also help. But here's the thing, it feels that the entire house is violated. Which for me means a complete gutting and purging and rearranging. So this weekend is starting with painting Missy's room and rearranging mine. Going through boxes and assortments of things, and realizing what really is of value.

In an earlier post, I had written about looking for blessings in all this. Maybe this is one....I don't know. What I do know is that it feels a lot like work and it feels really hard and sad. It also feels somehow wrong that I am "forced" to go through my belongings and decide what I want and what I don't want, what is valuable and what isn't. Granted, I had already felt like doing that, but this presses it home so much more. Because whereas I felt like a spring clean up, now I feel like a gutting.

So here's to some gutting/cleaning/purging/new home (hopefully) today....

Trying to feel safe

So, so far my children have learned that life isn't safe and their home isn't safe. They don't sleep in their rooms. They fall asleep on the living room and floor and when I go to bed, I wake them/carry them into my room where the three of us sleep. I'm having a hard enough time trying to sleep let alone with two others in my bed. So the idea is to re-paint their rooms.

Maybe then it will be a new room for them.
It won't be the same.
It won't be the place where people came in and robbed them and went through their personal things.
Maybe then they won't feel or remember the horrific violation.
Maybe then they can rest and sleep again in peace.
Maybe then....

The kids are at their dads this weekend. I hope to get started on one room then. My daughter has chosen what she wants and it is the polar opposite of what it is right now.

Maybe then....

(pictures will come as the work progresses)

And the children do not sleep.....

It's 11:00 am. I am sitting on my couch. One of my babies is sound asleep on the living room floor. It's safe here. There was nothing to ransack in a living room. It's not safe in his room. They upended it. They ripped out his drawers. They tossed his clothes around. They destroyed his closet. They ransacked his stuffed animals. His stuffies.... So now it's not safe. We can't sleep in our room or our bed. For Jamie, his room and bed and night were already not good, night time was already traumatized for him. We had just begun to win that battle.....and here we are again.....



"Mommy, do I have to go to bed?"

"Yes baby, you do..."

I can't sleep in my room."

"Why, sweetheart?"

"Because they might come back.."

Do you want to lie down here?"

"Yes, please..."

"ok, and if I sleep in my bed, I will wake you up and take you with me, ok?"

"ok.