NO JABBING

K so I have been involved in a group trauma processing group for a long time now. And one thing we have learned is something that I think that every person would absolutely benefit from.

It's called the JAB principle. And it goes like this. In group we are forbidden to JAB. It's THE cardinal rule. And it's a good one for a variety of reasons. First, it ensures that everyone lives more authentically. Second, it disallows hurtful things. And thirdly, it enriches everyone's experience. So what is this no JAB principle?

Well it goes like this:

J= Judging (either good or bad)
A= Advice
B= Blame

So let's pick this apart. J=Judging either good or bad. So what is that exactly. Well a judgment would be a "you are _______" or a "you aren't _________" And frankly speaking it doesn't matter is the word that you insert is positive or negative. Judging another person is simply not tolerated. Why not good, positive affirmations? I'll explain that in a minute. A=Advice. Why isn't advice allowed? Well, let's be honest. Who really likes unsolicited advice? Sure there are times when we are seeking it but when that happens it is on our agenda, our terms and with whom we trust. So no advice. Because that insinuates that the person who is receiving the advice is stupid or inept or a combination thereof. An B=Blame. This one should be straight forward but in case it's not. In a trauma processing group, early trauma often will be triggered in a group setting. Now the important thing to understand here is that what is being triggered is early stuff and therefore, the person that triggers it is not responsible for it. So blaming them can be detrimental to people.

So what on earth do we do instead of JABbing? Well we use "I feel..." statements. Now we have all heard that effective communication is about "I feel..." statements and let's be honest. It get's old, really old. So how is this different? Well part of it would be the willingness to go deep and be authentic in your "I feel...." statements but let me give you an example. Read this sentence aloud, and allow it to sink into you.

"Wow, you are really brave!"

Overall, its a nice compliment. A positive statement. And it may make the recipient smile. All good things. Now read aloud the following sentence and notice the difference.

"Wow! You're vulnerability to go deep and face your pain has given me hope and courage that I might do the same!"

TOTALLY different! So in group, when we relate to one another, it becomes speaking how one person's work or story or pain impacts us personally. One is a nice statement. The other is a completely empowering and edifying encouragement.

So in group, we stick to NO JABbing and instead operate in transparency, authenticity and deep "I feel...." statements.

I wonder what would happen if all the world did that?