Things I have learned

It's been five years since my split. And I have learned many things along the way. One thing that I have learned, that I will never get used to, rather tolerate, is aloneness. As a single parent, unless you have a good relationship with your ex, you do it alone. You do all the "kid" things alone. The recitals, the school plays, all of it......alone. No other parent to sit and share joys with. And I would almost say, that that is the hardest part of this. Learning how to be alone in things that two parents should be sharing.

Take for instance, my weekend. My kids had dance competitions. And I did them alone. I drove them to the island....alone. I drove to the competitions....alone. I set up the tent....alone. I got them ready....alone. I warmed them up....alone. I watched them....alone. I celebrated with them.....alone. I wiped away the tears.....alone. I sat while they were off with friends.....alone. I tried to look busy.....alone. I tore the tent down and packed up.....alone. And then back where we were staying, I tucked them into bed and cuddled them......alone.

Alone is hard. You have to like yourself to be alone this much. And oftentimes, alone is when my demons get me. When my mind ruminates on themes, often negative themes. Trying to figure things out. Second guessing myself. Trying to figure out what when wrong and why. And then I find my mood and my spirits plummet as I try to make sense of things that may never make sense.

It's hard to be alone. It's hard to stem the battle of my mind. It's hard to not ruminate. It's simply just hard.......