Prodigal Son

So there have been a few things that have been going on but  some preview is needed to this. When my x and I were still together, I bought some books by Stormie Omartian. They were about praying for your children and yoru husband. For quite a long time I did it religiously and I expanded on the prayers that were in the book. I prayed fervently for my family until I gave up for I saw no change. And now?

Well a few things have changed and I am not sure  which to chalk it up to. Many things have chnaged since that time. First, my ex and I split and thus began the ndoctrination against the faith with which we chose to raise our children. Jeff lived through a very confusing time when we split and he was given two diametrically opposed messages. My message was that Dad and I couldnt be best friends and it was best for all of us to seaparte in order to stop the fighting. The x's message was that I was the one who made this happen and so the kids could thank me for ruining their life. In addition to that, they were told that our faith was a bunch of fairy tales.

And so after our split, I still prayed for Jeff, differently know though, not with the books. And I talked with him and argued with him. I was terrified for despite all my own fighting my faith, I know that bottom line, it is THE MOST IMPORTANT AND INTEGRAL thing to have. I worried. I sought  much counsel. I cried. I fretted, I panicked. You name it, I did it.

And I don't know what shifted.  Jeff underwent bullying and some abuse stuff. As a result he underwent OEI therapy. Additionally, he had a God experience that touched him in such a personal way that no one can take that away from him.

The result? I have a child who has moved into a non christian high school, who tells me he misses chapel. I have a son, who is eager to go to the youth group that the church that is attached to his school holds. I have a son, who more than willingly tithes of his own money. I have a son that for the first time, joins in when we worhsip. I have a son that engages in worship art. I have a son that chooses to hear God and listen in and dessemimate that to the congregation.

And to think, that for so long, I thought my prayers around Jeff went unheard. There has always been a struggle for that boy's life.

Special thanks go out to God, first and foremost for hearing a mother's cry. To Rick, for knowing what my experience is like and in knowing develop OEI therapy. To Steph, for so kindly giving up her time to honor my kids by giving them OEI.

From one grateful mom.

Mishmash

It's thursday a day to honor my clients, for today saw deep wounds and the courage it took to go there.
However, my thoughts run to a different vein today....two to be precise.

Modelling:

and I don't mean the fashion industry kind. I mean the kind we do as we parent, that our children watch and learn how to be and how to cope and how to live.

when I reflect back, I think on the things that were modelled to me. Unfortunately these havent been good things and so it is a fight to break free form. They become so ingrained in us that a lot of the time we dont' even realize what it is we are doing. The coping skills that were modelled to me were unhealthy at best and I find myself using them as my first method of coping until I catch myself.

Then my thoughts turned to my own children and the things that I have modelled to them and it became very clear to me that I need to apologize to them and to try to teach them better. Unforutnately that can be hard to do when you are in the midst of sorting your own stuff out. So that means I need to do double duty to ensure that my children are equipped with the tools that they need.

As per the other random things travelling through my  mind, I am not sure that they are worth mentioning....

Return to Pooh Corner

It's a Kenny Loggins song. I love it. As does Jeff. It makes me cry. Most things do, this should come as no surprise. And now it makes me  cry even more. .

You see, Jeff and I were driving the other day and he said to me, "Mom, is this song suppposed to remind you of your childhood?"

"Yes Jeff, why?"

"Oh good, cuz it males me think that."

Because you see my son is apparently grown now and has long since past childhood, being 14 and all.

And that is what made me sad. My son remembers his childhood, apparently with longing. I guess things are too difficult for him as he matures and that leaves him wishing for simpler days and simpler times. I wish I could ease things for him. I know this is difficult for him as he still has not come to terms with the split between his father and I. And I expect that he sits and longs for the time when in his mind, his world was right. This makes me sad, for now I cry for two reasons when I hear this song.

I know all too well hard times suck. And its hard thats why they are called hard times. And sometimes it feels like the difficulty is going to swallow you up and you can't breathe let alone see your way out.

I also know that when you get through it, it does make for a stronger individual and it does reflect on your self-confidence knowing that you got through it. I know this will shape him into becoming a man. I hope I have given him the proper tools to do so.

And so, as I listen to Return to Pooh Corner, I cry. I cry for my childhood, and I cry for my son's childhood and I cry for my son turning man.

tatoos

I have been thinking of tattoos and getting another one. I currently need to add onto the one that I have but I was contemplating getting something written this time. I was in the mall the other day, getting the kids dad his birthday and Christmas gifts and I happened upon a Latin phrase:

Suaviter in Modo, Fortite in Re

For those umfamiliar with Latin, this means, Gentle in manner, resolute in execution. 

To me that seemed to fit the walk that I have attempted to walk regarding breaking up with my ex. I have tried to be gentle in my manner with him, to not be vengeful, to refuse to strike back and play dirty and to walk the higher road. Have I succeeded? Yes! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have succeeded in some ways. Have I failed? Yes!  I know that there have been times that beyond a shadow of a doubt I have failed. However, I have tried to have a gentle manner in how I handle things but at the same time to do so with a resolution that would not be swayed. It's not easy, I will admit I have failed. But even back, in the very first moments of our separation as I sat and had the conversation with him that we were separating, there was no screaming match. I tired to be gentle but resolute. When I told my children, the same thing, I have tried to be gentle but resolute.

A friend of mine thought that this was appropriate 

Ordo Ab Chao

Order out of chaos.

Again something that I have strived to do, Take a very chaotic situation and bring some semblance of order to it for both my children and myself. Again, not an easy task when far too many times, I myself feel overwhelmed. 

So weigh in if you please.....any suggestions? 

My dad

So my dad is coming. In fact he should be here as I write this. Me and the kids will see him on Sunday. And to be honest I look to that with mixed emotions. For you see, my dad and I have had, at times, a tenuous relationship at best. Now don't get me wrong, I love my dad and over the past couple years he has shown to be a family member that I know has got my back. For that, no words are adequate. I cannot even begin to describe how much I appreciate that. Many times, I have phoned him in tears, begging for just one person in my family to support me, and my dad stepped up. His words, "I may not agree with what you do, but you are my daughter and that's what matters." Many of you, I am sure, have good relationships with your parents and so what I write is foreign to you. And it wouldn't surprise me in the least, if most of you do not even begin to have a clue as to what it is like, to have your family turn on you. And that's ok. You don't have to understand my experience. Just praise God that my experience is not yours.

So why then do I have mixed emotions? Well, the tenuous part. I am in the process of trying to re-build a good relationship with my dad. We have mutually agreed to not discuss certain things. Now the problem with that is that doesnt mean that hey are dealt with. No, not by any stretch. We have simply chosen to put them on the back burner and not deal with it. And trust me, I know that that is NOT a good way to deal with things. I'm a counselor in training....trust me....I know. And yet, for right now, it is what is working and I do not want to rock the boat. I would hope that one day, either or both of us, would be far enough along in our healing journey that we could discuss these things, for I know that there are wounds on both sides. But that is not for now.

For now, we don't talk of certain things, we try to maintain a good relationship by avoiding the things that we know will cause friction. For now, we talk of easy things and we don't go deep. I try to provide grace for my dad. I try to provide mercy for him, understanding that the behaviours and actions that caused me pain were a result of his wounds. Does that excuse them? No, but it allows for a greater understanding and it allows me to extend grace and mercy toward him instead of harboring anger, resentment, bitterness and hate.

I do hope that one day, we will be able to surpass this. And maybe that comes from simply time and our own healing journeys. At any rate, as I face this Sunday when we will spend the day with him and celebrate his birthday, I hope for an easy day that is not fraught with tension in which we can learn to rediscover and enjoy each other's company again......

and its Thursday

Seemingly whenever I come off a Thursday I become so infected by my experiences with my clients that I cannot help but blog. So today I saw 2 out of my 3 clients, one had to cancel. But I had one of the most powerful therapy sessions that I have had the privilege to witness thus far. I had a client today and we came across a situation in which anger work was called for. So we engaged. But let me back this up.

I belong to a life restoration therapy group. Now this group meets 3-4 x per year for a weekend. We have met once and are due for our second meeting this coming weekend. We are 8 girls with a male facilitator. Now, inevitably in that scenario, issues around me will manifest. So thats what occurred. Male issues manifesting with a righteous anger for those things that occurred. And this is where it becomes crucial.

What happens in this form of anger work, the abuser in question  gets visually put on some pillows in the middle and the "victim" (see my other blogs of victimology) determines based on the anger that she feels what happens. Most often, she will take a bat and beat the hell out of the pillows and metaphorically the person who hurt her.

That release is one of the most powerful therapeutic tools that I have ever given witness too. Its justice served for abusive treatment. The release of the "victim" is a powerful turning agent that brings in so much healing

So tonight, I had the privilege of facilitating this type of therapy with a client of mine. I saw her courageously go back and face some deep deep wounding, I held her heart for a bit as she faced and fought this demon. I had the rare privilege of seeing her walk into a pain filled place and face head on those demons, do her work as horrifically tortuous as it was and walk out a changed person.

And that is why I kick myself til Im blue to get this degree. For moments like that when I get to see strength, resiliancy and courage like I have not seen before. It is people like this that are the heroes. They exhibit a heroism that has yet to be matched.

And so again, to my clients, tho you will never read this.....I honor you.

Inspiration/attitude

So many people lack inspiration. They lack a positive mental attitude. And I think that there are many reasons why this occurs. I think that there are many contributing factors to this lack of life spark that is turning epidemic in our land.

First, there is rampant destruction going on in our world from families, to cities to nations. It truly is depressing. If we focus on on the worlds current events, then its no wonder that we are a depressed nation, its no wonder that we lack inspiration and have a negative attitude.

Secondly, media perpetuates this. Rarely do we see positive good things reported. Rather just the negative that can at times be perpetuated and then of course the fear mongering that the media does. And to be honest, our government is guilty of that as well.

Thirdly, most of us have had a rough time growing up. We get locked into a poor me mentality. And I deserved better (which is true) so the world owes me now (not true). Growing up in a rough in  environment does causes negative self concepts and does cause negative thought patterns, but the owness rests on you to change those. Growing up in a rough environment does make things difficult...absolutely it does.....

I write today because I have noticed a proliferation of inspiring video clips on facebook lately. With the commentary behind them being such to the effect of "wow I really needed to see that today!" or "it was like that spoke right to me!"  So now that we have discovered the why we need to be inspired what do we do?

Well I can think of a few things, first and foremost, look to yourself. What have you overcome? What struggles in your life have you conquered? Do you give of your time? Do you help others? Do you volunteer? Do you go in and read to the littles ones at your child's school? You get the picture. This are all things to be inspired by. If your friend were doing them, wouldn't you think that was great? So why sell yourself short?

What about your circumstances growing up? Did your parents divorce? Were you teased growing up? Were you bullied? Were your parents physically there but maybe not emotionally? Again you get the idea...if you encountered these kinds of things growing up and it didnt kill you then be inspired by yourself!!! It takes someone strong to not let their lives be dictated by the past. So rejoice and be inspired but the strength that you have. You would celebrate it if it were a friend of yours, so celebrate, rejoice and be inspired bu you. Only you know the depth of the dark roads you have walked so be proud of the fact that you didnt let it beat you. Don't underestimate the inspiration that that brings to someone.

I can attest to this personally. People seem to admire me. I have been told this and to be honest? it takes a lot out of me to not brush it off. For to me, I am currently doing what I have to do to ensure the best I can possibly give to my children. My life coach and I had quite a talk about this last night. His words? He sees me as amazing.  Me?? Are you kidding??? He must be mistaken!!! For all told I am quite a simple girl with simple longings and desires that is doing whatever I can for the sake of my kids. I don't think that makes me amazing. I've been called strong, again from my perspective, I'm doing what I have to do and its not really strength that is doing this. People don't see me in my lonely nights crying myself to sleep, at night or scared and panicky for the overwhelming task of being the sole provider for my kids. I know to what depths i have gone, I know how dark my times have been and the things that I have done. Many....far too many things that I am not proud of. And I know the battles I still fight. These things, in my head, do not mean I'm strong. They mean I have a responsibility to my kids, they mean I am accountable to them and i have to do right by them so I do what must be done.

 Yet some see this as inspriring. So you see, a large part of what you do and where you have come from, what you have already overcome and what you are overcoming, may mean nothing to you, but may be inspiring to someone else so dont sell yourself short. Think on your accomplishments and realize that they truly are inspiring. And if you cannot yet do it for yourself then try and borrow someone else's perspective and know that there is someone out there who thinks you are truly inspiring. So borrow that until you start to believe it yourself.