A new and better year?

Expect a post in all my blogs today and tomorrow. I seem to be full of mixed emotions/reactions/thoughts. It's a weird spot to be in, half of me here and half of me there. 2010 has not been good to me right now. It started with my car breaking to the tune of 1500.00.  Needless to say as a single parent, 1500 isn't floating around me right now. And it was a fight to get it and then a number of promised options either fell through or either experienced difficulties themselves. Then just as I got that one sorted out, my cat was attacked which meant another bill to a vet and we all know those are not cheap. So I got that one sorted out and what happens? A broken heart. A friend of mine pointed out they come in threes, and we joked that hopefully the third was something simple. Well, the third - a broken heart - not so simple. Before, number three came along, I stated that it can only go up from here. Well, lets hope I was right.

Many people have said and have said to me, this is the year. This is your year. I think that that in part is because of how hard last year was for the general populace at large. In light of all the "victory parlance" that is being bandied about right now and in ight of how my year has started, I'm at a loss. The questions I find I am left with is:"will this really be my year?", "are things really going to change?", or "is this my destiny?", "is this how the rest of my life will be?"

I realize some of this is leftover victim thinking. I also realize that I need to ensure that I don't remain locked up in this kind of thinking, for that shall be me downfall. Part of this comes from a lack of direction. I know this much about this coming year: I will hopefully graduate. Did you notice that that's a hopefully? I cannot even guarantee that. It's really hard to be hopeful when you are in the middle of a mess of no direction.

So where does this leave me? Attempting to find direction and attempting to figure out where this year is going and attempting to figure out how to keep battling the negative self talk that lurks behind every closed door and every corner. Not an easy task to be sure.

So here's to jumping into the unknown with no idea what to do or how to do it....

"A Day On," and NOT "A Day Off!"

I will admit I borrowed that title from the Craigs list founder in his blog. For the original blog go here. However, I am using it from a different perspective. That one small phrase got my head turning. So often, during the course of our professional lives, we long for the next day off. In fact I know someone who has counted up all the days off we get in our professional lives and discovered that there are only 2 months I think where there is not a day off. Don't quote me on that as I am not entirely sure if I am recalling that correctly. For those of you who know me, I am greatly into a sense of empowerment. And much of that has to do with how we think of things. I believe this concept was birthed in me when I came across a concept in child rearing. Oftentimes as parents, we get entirely frustrated when our child is strong willed or stubborn. In the realm of parenting, these become a negative aspect. However, if you choose, you can reframe that to see the benefits of something. Take stubborness....one of the banes of parenting. However, the flip side of that is a) perseverance and/or b) a refusal to succumb to peer pressure. Both very good characteristics to have in a child. Trust me, when my kids stubbornly refuse to do something the way I have suggested, I take a deep breath and remember the benefits to that particular trait. It's a matter of re framing. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a huge fan of positive psychology, but, when used in specific circumstances, at the right time, in conjunction with other forms of therapy it has its benefits.

Sorry for the rabbit trail there. Back to a day on and not a day off. So many times, in our professional lives, we long for that day off where we can perhaps catch a breath from the overwhelming stresses of our working lives. In and of itself, this is not a bad thing. Down time to rejuvenate, relax and rest are critical to our mental well being. Our bodies are designed to rest. If we refuse to honor that then our bodies will find another way to rest and that often takes appears through our bodies shutting down or getting sick etc etc. Personally, I would prefer to be in charge of how I rest and do it without illness. So days of resting and relaxing our critical to our heath and well being: physical, mental and emotional included.

Again rabbit trail...sorry. So Day On vs. Day Off. Often times we long for that day off, when we can relax. But how many of us really do? How many of us de electronify ourselves our day off? Do we shut down email and our blackberry's? Or do we still insist on being in the loop and accessible? I wonder what would happen if instead of longing for that day off, if we approached our days with the mentally of this is a Day On for me? So what can I accomplish today? How productive can I be on my Day On? What can I do today, on my DAY ON, that will propel me forward.

If we took this mentality, I wonder if our level of productivity would increase so that we can fully enjoy our days off without feeling the need to be completely connected with our professional lives. That way we can completely relax and rejuvenate ourselves in preparation for our next DAY ON.

So what can you do today on your DAY ON?

The Power of 15

So I am sitting here, on a mini break and I felt the need to share a re-discovery of mine. Now prior to becoming a single mom to three dual exceptional childiren/part time employee/full time MA university student/entrepreneur I will admit I kept a clean and tidy house. However, as my marriage disintegrated, so too, did my housekeeping skills. Steeped in depression as I was, I found it impossible to maintain my previous levels of tidiness. Part of the depression was an overwhelming sense of powerlessness that led to a point of incapacitation. Unfortunately I have never been able to regain that ground.

However, it is a new year upon us, and that typically means change does it not? Over the holidays a lot of processing went on. It was a dismal affair. However, it led me down a path that I am quite excited about. So this morning, as I sat with my coffee, I read a few blogs and did some more processing as I took in this information. The results have energized me. To the point of recalling a trick I once used when feeling overwhelmed. So as I sat down with my coffee I derived a to-do list. However, this list looks different, For scheduled into all my to do items, I have timed them into 15 minute blocks of time. For even the most overwhelming task can be managed when broken down into 15 minutes blocks of time. Included in this was a 15 minute break for me (which is now :-p). I set my inevitable time waster, my computer, down and went to work. Now the trick here is to work in one set area for 15 minutes and then move on whether it is finished or not.  So I set the plan in motion and lo and behold, its amazing what you can get down in 15 minutes.  Now by no means are all my tasks done, nor is the work complete BUT, it is better than it was and I feel energized to continue at it. And who knows by the time this is done, I may just have gotten myself into some better habits and got a cleaner house to boot, which will then decrease depressive like symptoms and a sense of being overwhelmed.

Moral: Break it down into manageable time frames
            There is power in 15.

Relationships

.....are a funny thing. Two people with divergent backgrounds come together and formulate a bond of sorts. It's interesting to watch how the dynamics and interactions of the relationships formulate and operate. I have many different relationships and if I step back and objectively assess them, I see different patterns developing. In some of those relationships, because of who I am, I tend to be the care-giver, nurturer, empathetic ear. It's part who I am and  part my profession. I know I need to separate out my profession from my relationships but its the old adage that if you have a friend as a car mechanic then you get them to look at your car. I tend to find that my friends who know me and trust me, seek out my opinion and advice on their personal dilemnas. Truth be told, I don't mind helping, I just have to have some good boundaries and refer out when it starts to get too deep and personal for then the lines of objectivity start to blur and I may inadvertently be doing them a disservice. Our mandate "Do No Harm" may become compromised. Take for instance, if I were in an intimate relationship and said gentleman poured out his life struggles to me seeking my counsel. I am far too close to said gentleman and perhaps to said situation to be able to give clear objective counsel without my own feelings and agenda coming into play. Therefore, if I truly care about said gentleman I would encourage him to seek his counsel elsewhere. Not to say I wouldn't support him and or state my opinion, however, he would need to seek outside objective counsel.

However, the odd thing about relationships, is they have the ability and whether accepted or not, will most likely rub us the wrong way at times, exposing our "flaws" or struggles" Personally, I think that that is partly why marraiges fail. When people walk into a marriage they don't go in with the concept that they are dealing with two different people who have different upbringings. Inevitably, they will rub each other the wrong way at one point or another. Most people, blame the other party, refuse to own any of it. and retain their selfish orientation. Resentment and bitterness begins to build. Rarely does it happen when someone looks at the situation seeking to find out their part in the problem. Rather, they would perfer to blame the other party thereby absolving themselves of all guilt. Not very conducive to growth.

So as I type this blog, I have one specific relationship in mind. I have found that over the last few days, I have become increasingly frustrated with this relationship. Frustrated to the point of being tempted to shut it down. And then today arose an issue between us. Unconcsciously, I figured this was the way out and I was going to initiate it rather than having it be thrust upon me. However, the response that I received was completely different from what I am used to, totally outside of my paradigm. So I got to thinking about that. To me, that one instant was close to defining how a relationship should operate. Like two swords constantly rubbing up against each other and thereby sharpening each other.  As we worked through this concern, I sat and reflected upon this relationship. Upon reflection, I was able to cone to a solid conclusion. The area that serves to frustrate me, could, if I so chose, be an area of growth for me. For this source of frustration was not so much about the other party as it was about one of my own issues. The behaviour that served to frustrate me so much, is a healthy, normal behaviour. And in fact, it is my maladaptive behaviour that is causing my frustration. So here lies an issue. I could choose to ignore my part in this and be continually frustrated til I started to shut down and pull away from the relationship, or I could choose to view it from the paradigm of two swords sharpening each other, assess my own reaction and understand where this reaction first came from and do the healing work involved and thereby not only have a more satisfying relationship but having a healthier life.

It all boils down to how you choose to view these things. I am choosing to see this as an opportunity to grow and let the swords that are the relationship sharpen each other......thereby propelling my own growth......

2010

So 2010 is upon us. Jamie asked me how to say it, is it twenty-ten or two thousand ten....ah the concerns when we are 7. The holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have many dreams I hold close to my heart. Many of them have been held there for a long time. Some as young as 11, some even further back and likely from as young as 5. So here I sit in 2010 and assess. Where am I in relation to my dreams.

Well lets see...I have three kids, that's one of my dreams...so check. However, let me tell you I certainly did not forsee doing this by myself. When I envisioned myself with children, there was always a loving and adoring husband in that picture. And...wait for it....*looks around living room*...nope he still isn't here ( I had to check thinking he might have dropped in as I started this blog).  So that is a bit of a struggle. Now for all my life, I have been the type of person, who has few but deep friendships so this being alone thing bites. Now, when I separated, I figured I would be with someone by now. But I still sit and still do this by myself, something I am less than impressed with that I have taken up with God on a number of occasions. In fact since New Years Eve, He and I have been in an intense battle about it. He won. Go figure. Although it brought peace for the moment, I can feel that wearing thin already.

So, other dreams, well my MA. I'm on the road to that. Its been a hard long road and its wearing thin as well. This whole single mom, working part time thing is getting really old. The hope is that by the end of this year I will hold my MA diploma in my hand.

I have held a few business ideas in my heart since I was 11. I was propelled into motion over them last April and unfortunately am not much further than I was then. I have held some meetings, I have got a buisness plan started but being unsure what to do and where to go has left me floundering.

And then I started doing some reading over the weekend. I have stomach flu, not much more that I can do. And some of what I have been reading is centered around your dreams. The question went something like this. You pick up a lamp and a genie pops out of it. This genie has ensured that for the next three months, your job is done to perfection, your children are well cared for and raised, your mortgage and bills are paid, essentially every responsibility you ever have has been lifted off of your shoulders with the surety that it will be taken care of to perfection. What would you do with your 3 months. There was one caveat. You have to ensure that you do at least one thing you have never done before. So what would you do?

This gave me pause to think. For apart from some travelling etc, I think I would want to devote my time to building that business I spoke of earlier. The challenge was this, can you find one hour a week to do one of those things on your list. Or can you start to set aside some money in order to take that trip wanted. The moral: take control of 2010 and refuse to let it control you.

So what is on your list? What can you choose to do over the coming year. It's time to live rather than survive.......

Christmas 2009

So one more Christmas has past. It is midnight and I am sitting here with a glass of wine in hand. I look around my living room and see a shambles. In fact, I look around my house and see a shambles. Yesterday up until 1 am when I went to bed, I had envisioned this year to be different. During prior times when I was married, I would have a spotless house, with wonderful decorations and the table set for Christmas morning. The last couple years things have been a bit different. Since becoming a single mom, working part time and going to full time university, a clean house was last on my list. Overwhelmed with my new responsibilities of raising my kidlets by myself, as well as the additional factors of going through a messy split and school and homework and......left the house a bit last on my priority list.

So tonight, I sit here and look around at the paper still strewn about, and dishes yet to be washed, knowing my upstairs bathroom still needs doing (it got partially done today) and I sigh. Maybe next year I will pull off the Martha Stewart house again.

But this year? I have my baby lying on the couch with me sound asleep and two passed out sleepyheads upstairs? How did their day go this year? Well thanks to the generosity and help of friends, this year my kids got everything they asked Santa for. And due to the overtired Christmased out children I now possess, I had a 90 minute opportunity to have a heart felt discussion with one of the kidlets. It was 90 minutes of time that changed some perspectives, if not in the long term, at least in the short term.

This Christmas has taught me some things. It has taught me that family is where you look. Family does not have to be blood related. In fact, I am finding that my truest family may not be blood related. I also learned that miracles do happen on a day to day occurrence, but if you don't recognize them for what they are, you miss out on them and the beauty and joy they bring. Miracles don't necessarily come with a trumpeting fanfare, more often than not, they are silent whispers in the night. I have been the recipient of many of these night time conversations turned miracles. I have also discovered its a lot about perspective. Many of my miracles this year, were nothing large for those who facilitated them, but to me? they were everything. These miracles that have been dismissed by the givers, meant my children got the things they asked Santa for, it meant that I was able to give them a wonderful Christmas spent with great people all of which edified my children and allowed them to more fully enjoy this day.

I know I'm not the only one who experienced these types of miracles. Two of my high school friends, although the circumstances are different, have also experienced Christmas time miracles that were not considered any great accomplishment by those who so freely gave to us. Yet to us....???? These are miracles.

As you close off you day, stop and think....what miracle did I experience today????

Miracles

Christmas is often the Season for miracles.  We hear about those miracles and yet they rarely touch our lives. We hear about them and we think that they are good things and we move on. And yet, these miracles mean far more than we even begin to be aware of. How do I know this? Well, this season, I have been a recipient of more miracles than I knew existed. I will admit, it's not an easy year for me. Why? Well, shortly after my x and I split, for reasons that I still remain confident were the right choices, my x traded me in. He found and pursued someone else and they have been together ever since. Now some may say that it's what I deserve, after all I chose to initiate the split. that may be as that may be, it doesn't really matter at this point...the thing is, what I have always wanted, he has attained. Reasons for that remain unknown to me.....again a moot point...however, the reality is, my current situation is one of being alone.

Were I to look upon my choices, I know that they were important and the correct choices for me and my children., However, as we all know there are repercussions for every one of our choices, I am currently living those repercussions. I don't regret my choices but I hate my circumstances.

However, this year, as a result of those choices, I have been left in a position where miracles (at least in my estimation) are far more a reality in my life than they have ever been before. I have witnessed the kindness of strangers that has left me in tears. I have sat in the presence of strangers and cried for the compassion that they have exhibited upon me. I have also been the recipient of fully realizing the depth of the care of friends of mine. Christmas is a tumultuous time when you are a single mom, and tonight, I had the privilege of feeling cared for by a friend, whom I consider dear. For him, I am sure it was nothing, for me his one small act of kindness touched my heart in a way I do not have the words to adequately express. Thank you, more than you can fathom.

I am not the only one this season to witness these miracles. There are a few of my close friends that I know are expreiencing miracles this year. Things they did not foresee as being possible. Christmas....the time of miracles........too bad they couldn't last the whole year through.......