Because I Can Can

Port Coquitlam celebrates May Day every year. I have blogged about it before. Well, this year, as others, me and the kids attended. My kids were involved in the parade and their school was running a carnival that I was in charge of. So as other years, this year I was there. The school carnival was located behind the band stand where all the entertainment was. And it was there, for the second time, that I saw the CanCan Dancers. When I first saw them, I longed to join them but for whatever reason was inhibited and did not approach them. This year I did. And so here I am,, an official Golden Spike CanCan Dancer!

So this past Saturday, we were in the Hyack Festival Parade in New Westminster. I am scheduled to also dance at Golden Spike Days as well as the PNE. I do believe that there is one more that I am scheduled to be at, but it is escaping me at the moment. So far I am having a ton of fun! I'm picking up the dances right quick and thoroughly enjoying what I am doing!

Things I have learned

It's been five years since my split. And I have learned many things along the way. One thing that I have learned, that I will never get used to, rather tolerate, is aloneness. As a single parent, unless you have a good relationship with your ex, you do it alone. You do all the "kid" things alone. The recitals, the school plays, all of it......alone. No other parent to sit and share joys with. And I would almost say, that that is the hardest part of this. Learning how to be alone in things that two parents should be sharing.

Take for instance, my weekend. My kids had dance competitions. And I did them alone. I drove them to the island....alone. I drove to the competitions....alone. I set up the tent....alone. I got them ready....alone. I warmed them up....alone. I watched them....alone. I celebrated with them.....alone. I wiped away the tears.....alone. I sat while they were off with friends.....alone. I tried to look busy.....alone. I tore the tent down and packed up.....alone. And then back where we were staying, I tucked them into bed and cuddled them......alone.

Alone is hard. You have to like yourself to be alone this much. And oftentimes, alone is when my demons get me. When my mind ruminates on themes, often negative themes. Trying to figure things out. Second guessing myself. Trying to figure out what when wrong and why. And then I find my mood and my spirits plummet as I try to make sense of things that may never make sense.

It's hard to be alone. It's hard to stem the battle of my mind. It's hard to not ruminate. It's simply just hard.......

Weeds or Gems?

I was out contemplating and pondering and I tend to do most frequently and I noticed a few things. The first being that I long for beauty. I crave it. My soul is thirsty for it. I seek it out. As a result, I seem to see it where perhaps not many do.

The most prevalent place that I am seeing beauty right now is in the backyard. Let me explain. I love flowers. I love how they look, I love their colors, I love their fragrances. BUT....I won't grow them. Why? Well one simple reason really. I'm terrified....to the point of phobia. For you see, when I was a little girl, my brother used to throw worms and snakes at me. As a result, I am terrified. And oh how I have tried. I have gardened and the minute I see a worm, the panic completely overwhelms me and I get nauseous and anxious and feel like I am about to toss my cookies. I have tried with gloves. I have tried to brave my way through it. The result? I run into the house. So I gave up. But I still love flowers.

And perhaps that impacts, I am not sure. What I do know is that I am appreciating the "flowers" that weeds grow. The dandelions, the buttercups and a few I have seen that I don't know the name of.

And that has made me think. Could we....are we capable of overlooking the "weed" portion of things and instead focus on the beauty of the flower? What if we could? What if we could change how we view things and instead of seeing the weeds, look instead to the beauty that lies within.

What would happen? Would it change how we see things? Would it change our perspectives, our thoughts, our outlook?

Trauma and its Extremes

Lately, I have been doing a ton of thinking about a ton of things. One that returns periodically in my mind is the subject of trauma and its effect that it has one people. We all know the typical PTSD type of things that prolonged trauma can cause: hypervigilance, a sense of foreshortened future, recurring dreams and flashbacks etc etc but one thing that I have noticed is that trauma causes extremes.

Think for a minute about trauma: when a person lives in continuous trauma it causes them to live in extremes. Extreme feelings, extreme reactions and extreme thinking. So much so that some simply cannot live in a sense of calm. Once the trauma abates, they don't know how to function so they may cause chaos and crisis because that's the only place they are comfortable.

Another way this manifests is in extremes. And I think this is just another outlet that occurs in place of chaos creation. Take me for instance. I lived in huge trauma as a child. And as a result I need things in my life to be extreme. Take my showers for instance. They are HOT HOT HOT. Hotter than most people can tolerate.

And touch. I know a lot of people that love to have a soft touch, maybe a gentle massage or the like but for me that drives me absolutely insane. If someone were to rub my arm, I NEED it to be with a good strong amount of firmness. If it isn't firm, if it is too gentle, then it drives me mental, almost to the point of hurting. I can't deal with it. It makes me antsy.

Another way I have noticed it is with exercise. In therapy, exercise is recommended as a way to combat depression. It releases endorphins and seratonin which is your "happy hormone." This then causes a lift in mood. So, as therapists, we recommend daily walks or hitting the gym for a half hour. And yet for me that doesn't work. For me, only exercise in the extreme causes a lift in mood. So for me, that means intense exercise for anywhere from 60-90 minutes. Then and only then, can I notice a life in mood.

Those are only a few examples that I have randomly noticed. If pressed I could likely come up with some more. So it made me wonder as to the extremes that trauma causes in people and how it impacts our preferences in things. I know for myself, I need things in extremes in order for it to register....

My Son

Today, I write to honor my son. My firstborn. One of the joys of my life! When he was born, I fell in love immediately. How could you not, when presented with such gorgeous curls?

My son, (all my children, in fact), but my son has had a rough life. Life has not been kind to him. Today I will speak of only two life eperiences. I use these two because the relate. When my son was in elementary school, he was bullied. I don't mean the school yard teasing that goes on. I mean hard core bullying. A couple of the "bigger" things come to mind.

1) Having multiple pink erasers thrown at you when the teacher turned their back
2) Walking up to a group of your "friends" in the schoolyard to have them turn and walk away
3) Having your clothes flushed

and the worst of it:
4) Being encircled by a group of boys who stand shoulder to shoulder, put you in the middle and beat on you.

Three years.

Three years

Three heart wrenching horrible pain staking humiliating embarrassing torturous nausea inducing, crying angry years we lived.

THREE!

And then Jeffrey graduated and went to high school.

And then grade 10 hit and Jeff met a wonderful friend, his best friend! We LOVE him. My son's best friend is an amazing lovable kind and compassionate friend. I also recently just met two more friends of my son's and they all seem to be of the same mold. And they are all lovely.

And that's where my son was last night. In the middle of the hell he walked last night, he was at least, praise God, with his friends.

For you see, last night, my son went for a walk with all of the aforementioned boys. Jeff in grade 10 and the rest in grade 11. They walked to the corner store. Travel in numbers we are told. And so, doing their due diligence, they traveled in numbers. And as they were walking back, a kid from school approached them. And he was drunk! And he was high!

And he proceeded to assault my son. He had a baton, thankfully he didn't use it. He attempted to rob my son. And he close fisted beat my son in the head 10 times.

My son was staying overnight at his friend's house. Thankfully, she immediately phoned the police. They showed up, too the statement of all four boys and went to talk to the other child. Yet can such a monster be called a child?

And after all that I took my son to ER. After waiting a ton of time, we found out that he has post concussive syndrome. Essentially, he very well could have suffered a minor concussion and has to watch the himself over the course of the following few days. He may have nausea, headaches and blank spaces.

Sure, that's the easy part. What is not seen is that all of this will have triggered into his bullying eperiences and my son very well may start showing PTSD symptoms. SO what have I done? Well, just like after the robbery, I have lined up trauma therapy for him. And we talk. And we hug. And we love on each other. And Mommy prays, that instead of destruction, God brings good things out of my son's eperiences.

And so this blog is to my son. It is too honor him. And to esteem him. And to show him that no matter what the world at large things, one mom and many people are pleased and proud of who he is. And, HE IS LOVED!

NO JABBING

K so I have been involved in a group trauma processing group for a long time now. And one thing we have learned is something that I think that every person would absolutely benefit from.

It's called the JAB principle. And it goes like this. In group we are forbidden to JAB. It's THE cardinal rule. And it's a good one for a variety of reasons. First, it ensures that everyone lives more authentically. Second, it disallows hurtful things. And thirdly, it enriches everyone's experience. So what is this no JAB principle?

Well it goes like this:

J= Judging (either good or bad)
A= Advice
B= Blame

So let's pick this apart. J=Judging either good or bad. So what is that exactly. Well a judgment would be a "you are _______" or a "you aren't _________" And frankly speaking it doesn't matter is the word that you insert is positive or negative. Judging another person is simply not tolerated. Why not good, positive affirmations? I'll explain that in a minute. A=Advice. Why isn't advice allowed? Well, let's be honest. Who really likes unsolicited advice? Sure there are times when we are seeking it but when that happens it is on our agenda, our terms and with whom we trust. So no advice. Because that insinuates that the person who is receiving the advice is stupid or inept or a combination thereof. An B=Blame. This one should be straight forward but in case it's not. In a trauma processing group, early trauma often will be triggered in a group setting. Now the important thing to understand here is that what is being triggered is early stuff and therefore, the person that triggers it is not responsible for it. So blaming them can be detrimental to people.

So what on earth do we do instead of JABbing? Well we use "I feel..." statements. Now we have all heard that effective communication is about "I feel..." statements and let's be honest. It get's old, really old. So how is this different? Well part of it would be the willingness to go deep and be authentic in your "I feel...." statements but let me give you an example. Read this sentence aloud, and allow it to sink into you.

"Wow, you are really brave!"

Overall, its a nice compliment. A positive statement. And it may make the recipient smile. All good things. Now read aloud the following sentence and notice the difference.

"Wow! You're vulnerability to go deep and face your pain has given me hope and courage that I might do the same!"

TOTALLY different! So in group, when we relate to one another, it becomes speaking how one person's work or story or pain impacts us personally. One is a nice statement. The other is a completely empowering and edifying encouragement.

So in group, we stick to NO JABbing and instead operate in transparency, authenticity and deep "I feel...." statements.

I wonder what would happen if all the world did that?

High and Hard Road

Quite some time back, maybe in the early beginnings of this blog, I remember writing a post about taking the high road and how difficult it was to do that, especially in light of seeing no measurable results. I'm not going to kid you, it still is rather difficult to rein in your flesh, put aside your desires for vengeance and take the road less traveled. In my case the truth. A bit more about truth in a minute.

What I have discovered, is if done long enough the high road does reap its rewards. Many times I have looked over my life and wondered what the purpose was in refraining from natural human instinct to get vengeance. It feels very justified in doing so. But time and again, I would force myself to adhere to the truth, not strike back, and nurse my wounds.

Lately (roughly about a month) I have been the target of extreme maliciousness and viscousness. Many personal attacks and many lies are once again getting bandied about regarding who I am, my character, and my integrity.

And I simply refused to engage. Was that easy? No! Every inclination in me wanted to strike back, but I didn't. Instead, I found the people that I needed to, the people who know me, the people who provide a safe space for me to cry and vent, and then they help put me back together.

I had a conversation with some of these other parties recently. I had done my processing to the point that I was able to simply quietly distill the arguments with the truth. Many accusations were thrown at me during the course of that conversation and I was able to simply reiterate the truth. And then I was able to bless. I'm pretty sure that the other party will not see it as a blessing but I know that my motives and intentions are true and pure and right. And I know that my heart is to bless. And furthermore, God knows that as well.

So hard road? YES! Worth it? I see it now, though I didn't see it then!. So what is it? Well, I think that its a few things. I think that the biggest thing that I am living in right now, is peace in my heart regarding the situation. I can think back on it and be ok. It doesn't wrack my innards. I also know my children are seeing a good godly example. Now don't get me wrong, they see me fall apart and be sad and be hurt, but they also have seen God heal that and for me to be peaceful.

And the other funny thing that happened? In the discussions I had held. Once the truth was presented, they had nothing to say, no responses. Sure there were attempts and arguments, but the truth held out and shut it down. Someone once told me that those who have weak positions will leave their positions and make it personal. And it's something that I have seen. Positions have been faulty and weak so character gets attacked instead.

Now that other bit about the truth. Two other observations: we have all heard the adage, you cannot change another person, you can only change you! But paired with that is this: often when you change what you do, or how you operate it forces a change on the other. And for me this last little bit rang true. My actions and words in this situation were based on what is true and what is right. And I did that regardless of how opposing parties chose to conduct themselves. And what happened? Their behavior changed. Long-term? I don't know. Does it matter? Nope! Because I have done the right thing and my heart is at peace and God is pleased. I could very easily have played the tit for tat game but frankly although it may feel justified in the moment, there is nothing gained. I would rather take the hard road, do the right thing and have peace reign. Don't get me wrong, I expect that this will be tested, at which point, I pray God reminds me of this victory which will then prompt me to do the same again.

The other thing about right and true actions? When you don't buy into the games and the vengeance seeking, manipulation and deception, the words in Proverbs come true:

Proverbs 25:21-22 (New King James Version)

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat;
And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;
22 For so you will heap coals of fire on his head,
And the LORD will reward you.


I think the point to this verse is to not return evil for evil but rather return good for evil. It's an interesting point, because I think a lot of people see this as a verse that "allows" the shenanigans of those against you. But having experienced this in the last month, it is so not about the other party. It is about your own freedom, your own heart, and your own peace. I was able to see this and walk this out. I saw how my good and just actions impacted the other parties. Let's just say that its not fun to be the other parties.

I don't know the future and I don't know if this will last. But I do know that I have come to a different place right now. It's been a hard month through one thing and another. But for right now? I am ok. I came out swimming after what felt like drowning and I hope that I can hang onto this lesson, let bygones be bygones and carry my life and conduct myself in a manner that continues to honor God. I hope I remember this lesson and should there be a next time, I will already have my actions (purposeful and determined, logical and rational and prethought) already worked out so that I don't react ( behaviours based on intense emotions).

Thanks for listening....

Not quite as easy as I thought

So this whole roberry thing.....recovering is not quite as easy as I thought. I figured that once I got the kids sorted out and safe, life would go back to normal. I'd replace their lost items piece by piece as I could and we could go on living. I am re-doing the kids rooms, and I am going to scrub this place down like mad. I have worked with some of the kids and will continue working with them to use this opportunity to purge things they no longer want. Give ourselves a living space makeover so to speak.

Then on a more personal note, take the kids to as much therapy as they need. Get them de-traumatized so they can remove this violation from their psyche and continue to live in peace and safety. That was my plan. And it's a good one!

And so we started. All three kids rooms have be cleaned and the mess the thieves did is straightened up. One of the rooms has been purged. All Missy's little girl stuff is gone. She is growing up after all, and its time to put a rest to her barbies etc... Missy's room has been repainted so that its a "new" room for her, not the one that she lived in when she was robbed. I will work with the boys on purging their rooms, Jeff won't need much if any but Jamie will...And then I will paint their rooms how they want them.

SO here I thought, in all my naievity that things were going well, as much as can be expected. I was being a good mom, doing the right things. Taking care of the kids safety needs, re-establishing our sense of safety and not letting the thieves win further by keeping us afraid.

And then I went to bed last night. And I fell asleep really quickly. We finished at about 930 and I was asleep before 1030 which for me is huge. And then I woke up, haunted byt the nightmares. Haunted by nightmares of more robberies, more break ins, more violations.

I should have seen this coming. I am a trauma therapist after all. I guess just somehow, I figured I wouldn't be as affected. Sure I was initially. I did a lot of crying and then through blogging and talking, and plans to re-establish ourselves, I seemed to have gotten a hold on things. Until...

I fall asleep, and I am alone and I am vulnerable......then they start....the nightmares creep in and the thieves continue to rob me. This time of my sleep. In my dreams they come back and force me to relive the violations we already once suffered. In my dreams.....they win.......