provision

So after having undergone some financial constraints this week, I have come full circle to have been fully blessed. I look back and I know that I will have food for the next month and a half and so won't have to worry about how to feed the kids, I was alos helped in such a way that enabled my bills to be paid and given a bit extra to help buy school supplies for the kids. God provided many miracles for me this week and I am astounded at this.

I know God provides, I know He has our needs in mind. And yet I think this week I have needed to learn it again. This week was filled with anxiety for me...a lot of anxiety. And when I get that anxious and panicked that I cannot pay my bills or feed my kids, my own head is my own worst enemy. Desperation is a horrible thing for it makes reasonable that are never reasonable. And I must say I failed my God in my desperation.

So, I took a step back, tried to at least, and I tried to turn my eyes to Jesus, not to the problem. I made some purposeful efforts to focus on Him and His goodness and not fall to fear. Fear is something that I know well. I grew up in it, fu;ly emmeshed. Two years ago now, I had a very grueling prayer time that freed me from fear but it still does nip at my heels and I have to work actively to fight it. This week was one of those for me. A time when I needed to work actively to fight it. I think God honoured my attempts for He certainly blessed me. And though I look back and think I failed here and here, I know I had small success here...

So why, my head always goes to the why. I know that the two better questions to ask are what does this mean and what must i do and in the moment I did try to stay with those two questions but now my head desires reason.

So this is what I have come up with, feel free to weigh in. God showed me a lot, he showed me His provision in a situation where all looked lost, He stretched my faith and trust in Him. Recently I was given a propehcy that God has not forgotten the promises that He gave to me. He and I have been wrestling over my singlehood for a long time now. Because to be honest, I am sick of it and done with it. And He did promise me that this would not be, so I was given a word that He has not forgotten that. And then this happened, and I wonder if the two are tied together, if God wanted to show me tangibly that He has me in his hands.

Does that mean that God orchestrated this event? No! But he did use a situation that was meant for evil against me to bring good out of it. And He used the situation in such a way that stretched and grew my faith and my trust in Him. So now to hold on to those dreams of mine.......