So today I sit. Me and my chidren have successfully navigated another Thanksgiving, somewhat family less. I am grateful for my brother and my lovely sister in law who welcomed us into their home to celebrate. It made it easier on my kids to have family around. More like a holiday. My brother and sister in law got a glimpse of what it is like to live my life with my children and I think that they got a good sense of it. They spent a good portion of our time giggling at my kids. It was a good bonding experience for the kids thats for sure!
And so now back to the grind. I am becoming adept at managing a professional life on the go as I go about holidays etc etc. It was an interesting experience and one that realy showed me that as I move more into the professional world my boundaries are going to need to be stricter about work time and off time. The amount of information that was poured into me this weekend simply via email is crazy.
However, there was an incident which sturck home deep in my heart this morning. Whilst allowing the members to remian nameless, it once again became apparent that I am the black sheep. It was a hard pill to swallow for it became obvious that in the eyes of specific people I am the downfall of my family. I am the unloved one for lack of better terminology. For whatever, reason, my family has turned against me and chosen a position of not loving me. And if they claim to love me, their actions belie their words. I find it a bit of a conundrum for my position in my family was the helper. I could be counted on to do what was needed. Maybe thats the key. I was loved on a performance basis. I was loved because of what I did in my family or origin, not for who I am. And as I reflect on my marriage, much was the same, as long as his needs and wants were met then all was good and I was accepted. If not, then I wasn't.
Then I reflect on some other relationships and some fell apart for reasons i simply cannot fathom. Lying and deception were involved however. That seems to be par for the course. Most of these relationships involved lying, deceit and manipulation.
I mentioned to my life coach that it seems to be that my thorn in the flesh is to live a loveless life. Not sure how and/or if that is manageable. And the logical part of my mind sits here and says 'don't be ridiculous, you were made to love and be loved. God made you to be in relationship with others and Himself.' And the other part of me that feels gives up hope that having someone who will love me for me will ever happen.
And so I sit, and I ponder and I wonder. Not sure which way to go and how to facilitate movment, in this. What I do know is that I have acumulated many defense mechanisms that will enable me defend against this but as we all know, that is nto a healthy way to go. That is simply ensuring I have more of my own work to do. Not a smart option.
So the question remains how do I ensure that I heal form this without building up stronger defences?
Hi Kristie,
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of sounding crass or heartless, which is not my intention at all but to give you something to ponder with this post. You are loved more than you see or feel. We all are. Your family may seem not to love you BUT they are still family and maybe offering an olive branch is what is required. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, as you know, is to swallow your pride and just do it. Your family might just be feeling that you turned your back on them, just as you feel they have done that to you. The nice thing is no matter what relationships you develope over the course of your life, your family remains constant. I think about what it must be like for you to not be able to just call up your mom or sister to share your accomplishments, maybe though you can, maybe they are waiting for you to come back to them maybe they see you as the "prodigal son" as it were and they are waiting for your return. It takes two to fight, but one to make peace. You are at a good place right now, and maybe it's time to "make your peace" to forgive and forget to put past hurts behind you so you can forge a strong future, with your families support. Whatever has transpired recently that has lead you to feel so alone and dejected can be exactly what brings you back into the fold. It's how you choose to react. If for example, if you make it known that you are unhappy about not being included in this particular situation, you are approching it with all the negativity you can muster. However, if you take a step back, a deep breath (always remember to breath) and say to yourself, I will not take this personally, I will be positive and I will let them know I am in a good place and am going to remain that way regardless of what they try to put on me. Sometimes, being happy is all it takes, but keep in mind, you control how you let actions of others affect you. One of my favorite mantras is this, "It is not the responsibilty of others to make me happy, my emotions are mine and only I can determine what makes me happy or unhappy. The choice is mine and mine alone." We have the capacity to make decisions and how you feel about certain situations is soley your decision. Relying on others to dictate how you feel or how to react is giving them control and empowering them, but you already know this. My suggestion, if you don't want to offer the olive branch for fear of having your hand bitten off, be happy on your terms, be happy for others regardless of their behaviour, and let them know that their behaviour towards you does not affect your happiness because you have chosen to be happy in spite of them, but not in a way that might be hurtful. Just be happy for you, and you will have happieness returned to you tenfold. You will find your true love, but first love yourself for all your fears or weaknesses. Love without the expectation of being loved in return, love as God loves you and you will see you are loved, it's there for you to receive. You know this, I know you know this, but sometimes we need to step back to really see it.
Big hugs, and loads of love.
Tammy.