So its 12:20 and I am still awake. Not a good thing, but likely the result of the rockstart I drank with dinner. And I got to thinking.......never a good thing at this hour. I recalled a conversation I had earlier today with a dear friend of mine who inspires me daily. She was discussing how brilliant her finace is and how that blows her mind each and every day. On a scale of 1-10 she would consider herself to be an 8 and he and 10 or maybe 11. And we were discussing the benefits and pitfalls of being matched with such an intellectual. Her question was why would he pick me when he is surrounded by brilliant women who are lawyers. Bottom line is she felt she couldn't measure up. My point to her was that there is always someone who has more skill than us and there isnt much use in comparing oursleves to that. Keep in mind, this is a woman who has undergone mental illness and fights it continually, she has not had an easy upbringing nor has she had relationships made in heaven, far be it to be exact. AND she won the SHRC award which is quite a prestigious award based on a 4.0 GPA. She inspires me.

I came home and got to thinking (told you not good), and I did the inevitable comparison and the what if's and the why's. Why aren't I smart like that. Why does what I struggle with beat me. Why don't I have the ability to push through and come out on top. Why why why.....

And then I did a reframe......considering the hell I have lived, I have succeeded. I came from an upbringing that was filled with evil of the vilest kind. I came from a background that was confusing and full of manipulation and lies and deciet. In fact, my therapist sits in awe of me when we meet for what I have been able to accomplish considering my hell. I am a single parent of three beautiful dual exceptional children that have undergone horrific trauma in their young lives. I escaped (by the grace of God) a marriage which would have killed me of that I have no doubt. I went back to school, completed a BA and got accepted into the only MA program I applied for. I did an undergrad thesis and my hypothesis showed statistical significance. I had a horrid first year in the MA program, for those who know the events, and I still succeeded to pull off A's in my grades. I have undergone slander, reputation destruction, career destruction, i constantly face the fear of having my children yanked from me and I cry over them constantly. I have big big dreams, which I believe will come to fruition. I have been told I touch more lives than I am aware. I am not bitter, I am not resentful, I am not full of anger. Do I experience those? Yes, I am human, but I do not sit there, I do not stay there.

I have become more authentic, I have become more vulnerable, i have a softer heart which sits in awe of those around me and I know that I have done none of this of my own accord. The glory certainly does not belong to me.

So am I as brilliant as my g/f? Not likely. Could I be more talented and gifted in many areas? Yup! In fact, I don't even know what my gifts are. But you know what? All this is ok. Because at the end of my day, I can look into three beautiful pairs of eyes knowing I did well by them. I can look my God in the face, knowing I did ok, despite all the things I do wrong, I at least strive to walk honourably and I know that when I look at myself I can rest and know I did ok. and I am ok. and although I am not what I want to be, although I wish I were smarter etc, I am still ok.

For me.........thats amazing

thanks for listening

Always, Forever

Ch
Always and forever
My heart beats just for you
Always and forever
I am in love with you

V1
I woke this morning all alone
For you were not with me
but over morning coffee
I made this discovery

V2
It matters not just what you do
Or what you say to me
For you have taken my whole heart
In your love I’m free

CH

Although our time may cease to love
My heart will remain true
No matter where our paths may go
My love you’ll never lose

V3
Our future sits in silent mute
For nothings guaranteed
Except that i will love you
And that will set you free

Br
Always
You
Forever
Me
Baby baby
Can’t you see

2, 3, 4

Two, three, four

I sat down to write this letter
To say what’s in my heart
I put the pen to paper
But had no where to start
so

CH.
Breathe 2, 3, 4
Sigh, 2, 3, 4
Breathe 2, 3, 4
And cry

The times we sit together
You put your hand in mine
Time stands still, just you and me
Life becomes defined
And

CH.

But this is just our fairytale
Its never guaranteed
I live for just this moment
And hold you close to me
Go

The night robs us of our love
And you’re no longer mine
Ill hate and hurt and love and cry
But i have you for this time
Remember

CH.

Br.
But Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
Que sera sera
so breathe
Still

CH.

Hello. My name is Kristie and I.....

Hi My name is Kristie and I am a senser-feeler aka a burden bearer. Let me explain. I pick up other people's stuff. I sense and feel what other people are struggling with and I carry it as my own. And I don't always know when or how I do this. But I do. It's very useful and it sucks. But it's all in the handling of it. But that first means you have to be aware of it. And that makese it hard. Take for instance my home. I can leave my home and be in a glorious mood. I can have a great day and be full of life and zest but when I return to my home, my mood drastically changes and I get pissy and grumpy and I can get head-achy and just plain miserable. The thing is nothing has caused it that I can tag. So there, I burden beared. My home though right? What is in my home that I would pick up? Well I think there are a few things. My kids also burden bear and so when they come home from their dads, its stuff that they could have picked up there, or it could be residual stuff from the prior tenants. The previous tenant was a prostitute who saw around 20 men a day. Lot of residual crap can remain in this house from her and her clients. Prior to that the house was a grow op. Again, lots of stuff there. At some point, there was someone in here that worked with mental illness, could be stuff there. So theoretically in this house alone there are may opportunities for yuck to be in here that I am picking up.

So I have a few options which I need to become disciplined in doing. And there's the key, at this point, its a discipline, its sacrifice to do any of the things that I know I should do. I have no interest in doing them, I have no desire. I want to lay down and not do.

One of the spiritual principles is that thanksgiving and praise are the gateway. In other words, when we praise and give thanks, it releases something in the kingdom. "But I don't want to!" I know I sound like a kid.....but I don't. It's like i'm frozen in this inability to. And therein lies the sacrifice, my spirit is not oriented to praising right now. I feel low and pissy and grumpy and I plain don't want to. But for there to be a release of blessings and abundance the entrance gate is praise and thanksgiving.

God knows. He understands that as humans we don't always WANT to praise, and that our spirits don't always FEEL like praising. In face, my spirit right now feels very burdened and very heavy and it feels very hard to do. And that is the sacrifice that is honourable and pleasing to
God.

So about the rest of the stuff? About the potentiality that there is residual crap that resides in this house that I pick up on? Praying through the house, annointing the doors and windows and washing off prayers should take care of that. Again, I don't want to, I have no energy to and I just want to lie and waste my day away. I am completely sucked of energy. But I know that if I start with the praise and thanksgiving, the strength for the rest will come. In fact, in talking about praising, there is a small lift in my spirit so now to be disciplined....

My nameis Kristie and I am a burden bearer........

love

I'm starting to wonder if there is a second chance for me. I think I have near given up hope of my knight coming to to steal my heart after fighting off dragons. It seems to me that this, and any ensuing children that my heart so desperately has longed for, is not to be for me. Time to give up the fairytale and reconcile myself to a life alone.

Ponderings on fear

fear is a nasty creature, I remember when I lived under him, he is a subtle liar and he presents his schemes in a sparkling pretty wrapped package to entice you into his clutches. when fear is present we cannot and do not think rationally, we do not see clearly and we do not operate logiccally

i remember one specific time years ago, when I was wracked with fear, I made some very irrational decisions (don't worry no one was harmed or jeapordized in any way). Yet at the time, my choice seeemd utterly logical, healthy even. thank goodness my head cleared and i saw the folly of my ways

a friend of mine is going to a split. His x has made some interesting choices. she's a mom, im a mom. i know the root of her choices is based on fear of what may happen to her kids. so she clamps down on something that appears to be reasonable (remember the pretty and sparklingly wrapped present?) And at first glance this may seem like a reasonable decision. however in her attempt to control, she gave up her control and now is at more risk than she thought she was previously ( the subtle manoeverings).

fear is an interesting animal....

and yet hes a nasty beast, that one........

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I know I keep referencing my year my life etc etc and how hard it is but that's the truth and then when I manage to accomplish things, it astounds me. I was working on thesis last night and a g/f last night popped online and told me our grades for the Spring Semester were up. My response? Oh Dear. And to tell the truth, I dreaded this. I didn't want to check and I have refused checking to see if they were posted. I was scared that I would get booted out of the program because my grades were not up to par. See, I have to maintain a B average minimum and some of these courses have been darn hard and put on top of that, ny year. I have been quite anxious.

So I sucked it up and I checked and its time to celebrate very soon...for you see. I got an A+, an A, and two A-. And then I cried and cried and cried and sat in shock and still sit in shock. I found my brother and told him and guess what? I think I finally have the brother who is protective of me and proud of me, the one that I have wanted since I was a little girl. It doe make me wonder what I would be capable of if I didn't have to struggle all the time.....

And then I did one more thing, I revealed my blog to my brother and sister in law. This is a huge risk for I try to be authentic here and that means he has insight into my heart, which means he has the potential to take this information to the other parts of my family where it will be used against me. Hard thing to do and yet if want the relationship wth my brother should I not be authentic with him? He has a beautiful wife whom I am falling more and more in love with as I get to know her. He picked a good'un (although I think she did the picking here....). Thank you Janice.

And Michelle, my bro loves the blog pic, it reminds him of when I was a little girl, kudos to you and I thought I would pass that on.....