No words

So much is in my heart and yet the words escape me

for one who followed her mother around chatting up a storm to the point where my mother very absently started uttering "mmm-hmm" and "yes dear" this is not usual

and it hurts and its hard and its empty and it scars

for my heart is full

but im empty

hmmm

So today was highand games. Now if any of you are familiar with Scots, there is a traditional way that men wear their kilts and lets just say that its commando. This fact is pertinent. So the day started off decently, the x went ahead to set up the tent while i finished with the dancers. At about 11 ish a mutual friend came by wearing his kilt. I was there and so was the x, his gf and this mutual friend. This mutual friend, like me, is Scottish. Well the x proceeds to inform Jamie (who is 7) that boys and men wear their kilts traditionally, and he proceeds to explain to Jamie what exactly that entails. Keep in mind, that Jamie is 7 and therefore this information is completely inappropriate and not needed. So I asked the x to mind his conversation as this was inappropriate. Well, I got it. In the middle of thousands of people, with a friend and the gf their, the x decides to lay into me that I have no business telling him what he can say to his kids etc etc. Bearing in mind, his conversation is inappropriate and I asked not told. I was shaking out of reaction on the verge of tears, and of course the others were left in an awkward silence.

My response was that if he is going to carry on like this, I will take the kids and leave as it is my weekend with them not theirs. So trying to be the tough guy and god almight himself, x throws a patronizing wave at me. So I pulled Jamie over to me, took a step back and waited until the next call for the kids' dance came at which point, I gathered the kids to me and left. I then proceeded to sit in front of the stage and take my pics as usual all the while the x kept throwing glares my way and i refused to respond.

Stupid thing is I still react. I freak, I get scared and I fear he will hurt me.......and one level I wish to God he would so I could end his influence on my kids. I wish that he would lose it to the point where he doesn't think, and instead acts with the result that he seals his own coffin.

Stay my hand.......right?

It was just a week ago that I did this once with him, and now not one week later, it happens again. Looks like he may be escalating. Good thing and bad thing, if he escalated to the point of not thinking and acts out violently he loses the kids, however, they may end up being at risk. If it were me, I can deal. I'm used to it, I'm an adult, no big deal. It's nothing new for me whats one more.

I wish and pray to God that he is digging his own grave and that not far off he seals his own coffin, and how horrid is that that I wish for that.

And I pray to God that I can stop reacting.

I'm a mess, aren't I?

On another note, here's a response to my highland days today:

Scotland's Sons

In the highland hills of Scotland
The price for freedom paid
Took may lives, much bloodshed
Scotsmen died at England's blade

The cost was much to bear
For this nation under siege
Each scottish drop of blood
The English bribed its leige

Many battles fought and won
Many a tear was shed
The anguished Scottish cries rang out
As the fields were turned to red

But freedom was their war cry
They would not call retreat
Both their daughters and their sons
Would not admit deafeat

Ch
Freedom was their war cry
Each clan called to unite
Freedom was their war cry
The Scottish sons birthright

Three years ago today..........

I left my husband. I think to be honest, I may have "left" him earlier but three years ago today we separated. Its bittersweet today. I think back to my marraige and I think back to the hell we escaped....me and the kids....i see it being played out in his current relationship.....and im relieved we got out.

I think of hte hell we have lived, the not knowing how to feed my babies, the fear of not meeting bills, the overwhelming incapacity with not knowing how to make decisions and the fear of potential repercussions as their well being lies solely on my shoulders. I think of the pain they have suffered and not really knowing why. I immediately go to "it's my fault," " i did this to my children," "if only I had.......," and it takes a very strong force of my will to remember that maybe it wasn't me. I think of hte many times I have held them as they cry for the longing in their hearts that will never be realized. I think of the times still to this day, where I hear the blame in their words and its directed at me.

I hear the anger is Jeff's voice and beahviour and I think, would that have been? I see Jamie needing to sleep with me for safety cuz of teh abuse he has suffered and I wonder would that have been? I hold a little girl in my arms who doesnt know how to make sense of her world and her daddy right now.........would that have been? I see anxiety in my children.......would that have been?

and yet, I see the beginnings of freedom in Jeff, I see a boy come man, standing up to his father for the protection of his siblings, and I wonder would that have been? I see Jeff holding his little sister in her grief and comforting her and letting her cry and I wonder would that have been? i see a bouncy Jamie, who never ceases to have energy and a smile....would that have been? I see relaxation in Jeff.......would that have been? i see delight in missy in her femininity.......would that have been? i see jamie always ready to bring a smile to someone.........would that have been?

answers to these questions I may never know.....

what I do know.......I must be everything to my children that they need right now, I must be mother and father and I dont know how to do that. I must be protecter and nurturer and I dont know how to do that. I must be comfort and wisdom and I dont always know how to do that. i must be emotion and logic and i dont always know how to do that.

I was unpacking/cleaning today and I found something i wrote three years ago as I formulated my decision to leave.

and so with a confused and burdened heart, that is catching glimpses of the abundant life my children and I will have i share with you:

what i must do

ch
How can i do what i must do
coldly destroy your life
with the knowledte that i hold
plunge you into strife

v1
nightfall steals in silently
i watch you while you sleep
the moonlight bathes your tiny face
while angels round you keep

v2
sweet innocence surrounds you
protects you, keeps you warm,
you love without the knowlede of
the evil of life's storms

ch

v3
overwhelming pain will strike
heart, body, soul, and mind
hold fast to me, trust my love
we'll leave the past behind

v4
i pray you see the wisdom
know my motives and intent
were driven soley by my love
to bring you peace, not torment

bridge
freedom we will find, will find
the lies we leave behind, behind
our freedom we will find


Did i destroy their innocence? did I take from them? are we finding our freedom?

Graduation

I didnt write yesterday, it was the day Jeffrey graduated from middle school into high school, but you had already gotten that post. However, today is the last day of school for Jeffrey in the safe arms of Hope Lutheran Elementary School. I attended chapel this morning and to be truthful I havent stopped crying since last night at Jeff's ceremony. However, today my reflections turned to the school and staff and how they have been to my family. Many of you who know me, know a fair amount of my life and what that has entailed in the past four years or so. And you know that my life has not been easy to say the least. However, very few if any of you know what my early years were like. Well let me tell you the bit that you have glimpsed of my life would be easy to deal with but I have a past like we all have a past and it still has its moments of haunting me. Based on that and the events of the more recent years I can with all confidence say, I have walked into the pits of hell, I have seen it, I have lived it and I have walked out of it. My brother told me not that long ago that he was questionned about this faith by some who knew us as children. They were amazed that he (we) still had a faith basis. His response? "How can I not? We as children walked with and held hands with evil and we know what it is and we know its extent. We know there is a living breathing satan who is hell bent on our destruction. It's almost as if we have no other choice."

In reflecting on this, it stood out to me today, just how far our little school has gone for me and my children. We would not be where we are if it weren't for all those loving hearts that are turned toward us. So I scurried home and wrote this for the school, I am engraving it on a plaque that they will recieve in the next day or two;

So to all the dedicated teachers (those present and those no longer with the school), staff and principal of Hope Lutheran School, I honour you:

You Stand In

When life spins me on its tail
I know not where to turn
When I feel like I’m derailed
And my kids feel much concern
You Stand In

When I cannot lead them forward
And teach God’s love and truth
When they’re lost and ignored
You show them what they’re worth
You Stand In

When Godly wisdom can’t be found
And I cannot see His light
When I see the enemy abound
And his lies obscure my sight
You Stand In

When my children’s heart are heavy
With sorrow that’s not theirs
When no one hears their plea
You offer up your prayers
You stand in

As a family, when we’re lost
When we’ve stumbled, fallen down
No matter what your cost
Your love lies all around
You stand in

Thank you for standing in for my children and guarding their hearts, minds, lives and souls.

Fathers Day

I have been laying low today, giving myself a much needed rest. In doing so, though, my brain has space to go. (If someone knows of the off switch do let me know). So I have been thinking. Today I don't see my dad, he lives in Alberta. I will phone him later and talk with him. So I start to think on what I would have done in previous years. Well, inevitably I would have celebrated with the kids and their dad. They are with him now. So if I wasnt doing that, I would go to my extended family's and see my grampa. He passed away last fall. And so here I sit.

I got a text message today, wishing me a happy Father's Day. Then a g/f wished me the same. Yes my children have a relationship with their father but anyone who knows of my life, knows I am mom and dad to my kids. Here's the kicker, I don't know how to be dad. I don't know what a dad would want to instill in his children. My own relationship with my dad is NOT one to be emulated. My children's dad, well I don't think he should have the title. So the question remains, what do I, their mom, need to teach my children, in place of a dad?

I know two general things: for my boys, I aim to teach them to be gentlemen, hold doors open for women be chivalrous. This one I know is working. My little man Jamie always holds the doors open for me and for women and in fact the other day scooted out of the car and ran around to the drivers side door and opened it for me. I melted as do all women for whom jamie holds or opens the door (although he is very quick to remind me that I need to remember to thank him!). With Jeff this lesson is a little harder and neither of the boys do that for their sister. I know this lesson is more than holding a door open, it is about treating women with respect.

Missy: this one is harder I think to teach, I need to teach her to choose a man, but I need to show her not to find one that is like her father for that is what us girls do. We seek in a mate a relationship that emulates one with our dad. So for this one, I need to teach her against that, and teach her that she is a woman and she deserves to be treated iwth utmost respect and dignity and that her voice deserves to be heard and listened to.

Lastly: I need to teach my boys how to be a spiritual head of their household and I need to teach them that that does NOT mean that they demand control through God's word but rather that they lay themselves down for their spouses and families just as Christ did for his Bride. I need to teach these boys that it is not earthly wisdom spun through Christian verbiage that dictates how they lead their homes, but rather it is a living breathing intimate relationship with their Saviour and the wisdom that comes as a result that will be how they lead their homes.
For Missy: I need to teach her that a wife supports her husband and encourages him and is his strength. However, in this manner I also need to teach her that that does NOT mean that she becomes a door mat but rather that if she is opposed to the thoughts of her spouse that she too gently seeks wisdom for her intimate relationship with her Saviour and gently challenges her husband on his thoughts.

I'm stuck.....first off, is this all? What else does a dad teach his children that I am missing here? Sure there are the more practical things like changing a tire and changing oil and killing bugs etc etc but what more am I missing? There must be more that I don't see cuz Im a girl not a guy and not a dad although i have to be dad.

It's a hard place to be, teaching my children things a dad should when i am not a dad and don't have a good relatioinship with my own dad to fall back on.

Not sure what I will do.........how will I manage to be mom and dad?

So for dads or those of you who know dads who would answer this question, I have posed it in my notes on FB. What is it that a dad teaches his sons, and teaches his daughters.......for now I must be mom and dad.......

happy fathers day to me?????

more high road....really????

Today I write to you with a headache the size of Manhattan and in a state of shock, questioning the position God has entrusted me, not sure if I am worthy of such a trust..... Some very serious concerns arose last night. In order to keep my children and some others safe, it became necessary for me to phone 911. As a result of this, some things have now become entrusted to me. These things give me the power to take vengeance and get back and seek to destroy. If In continue to hold onto the pain, if I think of all the damage that has been done to me, if I think of the evil and sheer torture that I have survived, a force rises up in me that seeks to destroy. Today I was given that power.

Its a hard battle, a hard line to walk and a hard decision to make. It shouldn't be, the answer is easy. Vengeance is not mine to take, but it is so tempting to dispense the punishment that I deem suitable. Forgive me for this but there are certain parties that at times, I want to see suffer, I want to see it now, and I want to see it on my terms. On one level, I feel I deserve the revenge for what I have gone through.

From what has most recently occurred, I am still in shock. As I write I am sitting under two blankets shivering. My body doesn't like being on high alert for the past 24 hours and its telling me that.

These are reasons I want revenge.

But I'm called to something different. I am called to extend mercy and grace and forgiveness. I am called to love. OUCH thats a hard one. Love those who have caused me such pain? OUCH!!!!

And yet that is what I am called to do. My flesh doesn't want to and I will be honest at times, my heart doesn't want to. But this is what I am to do.

So how do I do this? How do I set aside my right to destroy....well, I beg I scream I cry and yell I rage against God who sees me fit to entrust to me this. I remain puzzled as to how He thinks, I am worthy of such a prospect?

Matthew 25:23

His Master replied "well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your Master's happiness!"

This is the verse that comes to mind, but it certainly doesn't feel like it fits. I certainly do not feel worthy of what I have been entrusted with.

Odd thing is, to date I have stayed my hand. I have not sought vengeance, I have not sought revenge, and I have not sought to seek and destroy.

(But I did fall asleep writing this so now I continue....)

I find myself very tempted to destroy....at times......at times I don't care.....

There are two paths open to me with the knowledge that has been entrusted me. I can seek vengeance and yet there is a chance that innocents would be hurt

Or I can stay my hand and be supportive and hope and pray the damage is minimal......

It's interesting as I finish writing this, two days have passed, (I started yesterday at the end of the worst of it), and in reflecting back on my actions, whats interesting is the vengeance that I spoke of included me spitefully manouvering an outcome that I saw fit and that I wanted for I knew it would hurt some of the parties in question seems to be occurring.

I wonder if i actively but subconciously forced the hand

I hope not, I really do.

However, the outcome that appears to be ocurring does need to happen, for safety sake.

Yet it comes down to motive of the heart Ithink. When this initially occurred, I saw an opportunity to exact my revenge. And yet as this has unfolded, compassion in my heart took over, adn I believe that I have supported and advised out of that, and yet, the outcome looks as if it will be the same. God, forgive me if my evil intent got in the way here. I did try adn stem taht tide, I did try and watch my interactions to ensure that that did not occur and so Lord, I beg you if at all I was too sorely tempted and acted out of seeking revenge instead of actiong out of support and compassion, I beg you to forgive me.

But the outcomes appear to be the same.

I only hope i acted godly in this all.

It's funny, as I reflect back on my journey, many times, I have been tempted to act out of vengeance, seek revenge for the hell inflicted on me, but I have stayed my hand each time. And heres the wierd thing, as i look back and reflect, God has allowed the noose to close and I have done nothign to facilitate that although at times I have been frustrated by God's timing. But sitting back I can see wisdom in that timing and I can rest in knowing that staying my hand served his ultimate purpose.

And so now, I fight to act out of a pure motive of my heart, I fight to resist taking my own vengeance and............I stay my hand.......

graduation-dedicated to Jeffrey, Rick and Steph

So, I took my kids out for a picnic dinner by the river in a VERY secluded spot tonight. We played cards, I snapped some pictures and I got to thinking. Not necessarily my best course of action. I have a 14 year old and on tues he graduates from middle school and moves into the dreaded high school. I am nervous and scared and I sit on tenterhooks wondering if he is going to make it.

Let me tell you a little about my son. Last March, 14 years ago, he was born to a very naive 20 year old. He was my pride and joy and he was a beautiful baby. I remember the grueling 11 hours of labour, the 45 minutes of pushing and snapping at his dad when I wanted my nurse and his dad refused to get her. Despite what I thought was a grueling labour everything went well wiht no complications and mom and baby were fine.

I remember not letting him go to sleep in the nursery, rather I held my baby and he slept with me and I nursed my baby. I remember teh excitement of taking my beautiful son home. I woke that morning full of exciting anticipation. Yet I woke to horror untold, one of my journeys into hell.

In order to properly understand this, I urge you, before you read on, try and remember what you were doing when you were 20, trying and remember where your head was at.

I woke that morning, it was a sunny morning. I looked at my beautiful son and knew something was wrong. On the crown of his head, were boils, seeping a puss that was the colour of mustard, I was covered in it, he was convered in it and our bedding was covered in it. I immediately called the nurse and she came in adn took a look and my son and took him away. They got my doctor on the phone immediately and he rushed down to the hospital, His dad comes in with a huge smile, we were going to bring our baby home and I was left to tell him "We aren't going home" but that's all I could say because no one knew anything. My GP finally came in to see me, without my son. They have put him in the special care nursery because he is now a very sick little boy. BUT............we don't get to be with the other babies, we are terribly ill and no one, not my GP, not one nurse in the hospital and not two of the best pediatricians, know what is wrong with my son. Because they don't know what's wrong with him, they don't know what to tell me, and they don't know what to do. Not only that NO ONE could tell me if my beautiful baby would even LIVE!!!! And so I hustled it down to the isolation room. I needed to be wiht my son, for it might be the last few hours I spend with him and he needed to know that he was loved and that he was loved passionately and desperately. He needed to know that he was a gift and joy and I was going to pour into him as much as I humanly could in the what might very possibly be remaining minutes I had with him.

Then they kicked me out of his room. They were going to do a spinal tap for the dreaded M word---Meningitis. While they did that, they did a full medical work up on him, although he had passed all his baby tests with flying colors. I feel compelled to remind you at this point, I am 20 years old. So after all their tests, which to me was time away from my baby who might die any minute, they let me back in, to kick me out again as they realize the first spinal tap didn't take and now they have to do a second. I was loathe to leave. I needed to be by my baby. He needed his Mommy and i may only have those remaining few minutes with him, no one could tell me otherwise, they didnt know why he was so very very sick.

And so began our course of meds. Seven antibiotics through his system four times a day per med. Round the call meds at this point. And the heart monitors and my midnight watches. And on top of this they made me leave with no guarantee, my son would be alive the next morning when I got there. I would not leave til 1 or 2 am and i did wahtever I could to make them let me stay. But they refused me. But I was back around 5 in the morning and they didn't like that but what the hell did they expect? No one could tell me my son woudl live.

Next came the photographer. He carried with him a camera I had never seen before. It had a ring flash. He asked me to hold Jeffrey against my chest with his face in my chest and he proceeded to focus the camera. Once this was done, he asked me to look away for the flash woudl blind me. And he took many pictures of Jeffrey's head.

Also at this time, was my nursing insanity. Any moment that I was not holding Jeffrey or nursing Jeffrey, i was pumping milk for him, for he was not goign to have formula, He needed breast milk to aid in fighting whatever it was that he had, I had so much milk stored for my bud that we didnt use it all but i was NOT going to allow him to have formula if I could help it. I think the nurses thought I was insane but I knew I needed to give him every chance of survival I could. I was not going to let him die if I could help it.

Jeffrey was admitted to the NICU on a thursday. Days passed, still no word. Friday came and went, sat and sun came and went and still nothing. They have not ruled anything out and they do not know anything more than they did before. Monday came and went....nada. Tuesday dawned and we have news....its not meningitis. And here's the kicker. Jeffrey was so very sick because of me. Unbeknownst to anyone, I carried the strep/staff infection in my birth canal and during Jeffrey's 45 minutes of sitting there, he got sick. I made my child so very very sick. This was my fault. The weight of that crushed me. I did this. What the hell kind of mother am I going to be, I DID IT!

But now we know, now we can treat. On Thursday, one week after he was supposed to go home, I took my son home, overjoyed and yet laden with guilt. Jeffrey was since written up in the medical books and as a result all women now get tested in the third trimester of pregnancy to see if htey are carriers. If they are, they get a shot of antibiotics and then IV antibiotics during labour and delivery.

My son became healthy and was a joy to everyone whereever we go, He was a charismatic little soul that attracted everyone whereever he went. But I wouldnt let him out my sight. I nearly lost him once it was not goign to happen again. Where he went, I went. Where I went, he went.

Then I had Missy and Jeffrey turned, He was four when he became a different child, I fought for him and always will. I fight the hardest for this one. Why? Because I will not let him suffer anymore. He nearly died, and upon that time, an instinct kicked in me to fight for all i am worth for this one. It is something that I still do. And I don't see that ever changing......EVER! So that boy has undergone many things, two years of being bullied, a loss of his stability of family, witnessing the abuse of his brother, the antagonism of his father to his mother, bullying from his father and the dismissal of his faith from his father, so so many things that a child should never be put through. And I lost my son. I lost that beautiful beautiful child who brought joy whereever he went.

I entereed graduate school and stumbled upon a new therapy. And I put Jeffrey in it, three times so far. And now I owe so much to one of the founders, Rick Bradshaw. I also owe so much to his therapist, Steph Moyen, Jeffrey has been to this therapy three times. THREE TIMES!!!! As a result, I have my son back. The beautiful, joyous happy boy who attracted people to himself is re-emerging. My long lost son is back!!!!

And so Jeffrey, as you graduate, I want to tell you this. I am so so very proud of you. I love you dearly and there is nothing on the face fo heaven or earth that I would not do for you my beautiful boy turning man. I will fight hell for you dear dear Jeffrey. You are the best hting that happened to me, and I cannot begin to find the words to tell you just how much I love you, just how much I want nothing but good for you and just how much I am proud of you. You are here, you are alive and you are the most precious gift that God saw fit to give me. I would give up everything and anything for you my son. YOu have done your mother so so proud. You have been handed a hell of a life and you have walked it the best that you can and as you continue to walk it, you shall become a strong strong man of great character. Satan will curse in the morning for you are getting out of bed and you will be a force to be reckoned with. In all the gentleness of your heart and spirit, satan has underestimated his match.

I bless you dear son, and i congradulate you for a job well done. I pray that you have an ever seeking heart for the one who loves you more than I, Jesus.

And know this my beloved.....there is nothing in heaven, in hell or on earth taht could make me stop fighting for you or make me stop loving you, for you my precious son are worth every drop of my blood that may spill and every stream of tears that trials down my cheeks, I could not ask for a better son and I could nto be more proud of you than I am.

Thank you Jeffrey.

PS-Thank you Rick and thank you Steph..........you gave me the gift of my son.........